Badfic Slaughterhouse #26 · 5:48pm Dec 10th, 2015
The doors of the Badfic Slaughterhouse have opened once more, and six stories now stand in front of the Badfic Grinder 3000™ (revision 6). Continue reading to find out which ones should go onto your reading lists and which will be thrown into the grinder for your twisted amusement.
Also, an important (to me, at least) message is waiting at the end.
In this edition of Badfic Slaughterhouse:
—Celestia OP. Nerf plz.
—An action scene is re-envisioned with creepy groping.
—Proof that it only takes two to have a threesome.
—Celestia banishes a bureaucrat for being, y’know, a bureaucrat.
—Rarity risks jail time for sexual assault.
—Twilight gets trolled by Lauren Faust, and I honestly can’t think of a way to make it sound weirder than it already is.
Rating: Teen
Tags: Sex, Comedy, Equestria Girls, Romance
Length: 6,750 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: The Twilight Sparkles of both worlds confess their love to Sunset Shimmer on the same day.
Review: One question I asked myself almost immediately after starting this fic is why the author didn’t do a quick edit to make it compatible with canon. The only bit that doesn’t mesh properly is right here:
Twilight Sparkle’s transfer to Canterlot High had caused quite the stir. The poor girl had had no idea she was walking into a building where everyone already knew her, that she was already seen as a hero, and that she had six best friends ready and waiting.
To say it was overwhelming would be a bit of an understatement, but once the initial furor and confusion had died down, and Twilight had her many, many questions answered, Sunset and her friends had done their best to befriend the human counterpart of the pony princess they knew. Though this Twilight had started out significantly more abrasive than Sunset had expected, friendship had eventually bloomed, and soon every day was just like any other with Twilight becoming as natural a part of the group as if she had been there all along.
Other than that, I didn’t notice anything that seemed out of place, despite this fic being written and released before Friendship Games. It wouldn’t take more than a few minutes to adjust, after all, and that little hiccup wouldn’t be able to distract from the story anymore.
That little nitpick aside, I enjoyed this story. It delivered plenty of laughs and a scenario I hadn’t seen before. Yeah, I’m sure there are probably other stories out there with similar themes, but I haven’t seen them, so I’m giving this one credit for it.
Still, it isn’t perfect. The pacing is uneven, and the slow start might turn away less patient readers before it picks up. Also, the tagging is a little deceptive. While it does deliver comedy, it doesn’t commit to it fully. The gestures toward the romance genre are token at best, though. They usually serve more to set up jokes than make any emotional connection with the reader, so if you’re looking for something even remotely sentimental, you won’t find it here. Overall, I think it would have been stronger if it had fully committed to the comedy, focusing solely on the absurdity of the scenario, instead of dipping its toes in more serious waters from time to time.
Verdict: While I think it could have been better, this was still an enjoyable read with a good payoff. If you’re in the market for something short and a little silly, this is a good bet.
Why No One Messes With Celestia, by scion
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Sci-Fi
Length: 4,255 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Celestia effortlessly kills one of the Reapers from Mass Effect.
Review: This story really managed to keep me guessing, just not in the right way. When I saw the childish title, I expected to find a complete mess when I clicked on the chapter, only to discover that the prose is actually pretty good. Then the plot turned out to be a mess.
She took another sip of tea. The possibilities were endless. And life, in her experience, was hardy, and always found a way. Personally, she had no doubt that life existed, somewhere, out there. Now, with the faster than light travel possibilities afforded by the discovery of Element Zero, as it had become known over the past century, there was a real possibility that she would one day meet a creature not of Equestria.
What would they be like? she idly wondered. Perhaps quadrupeds, like her ponies, and most of the species on Equus? Could they fly, like pegasi? Would they instead stand upright like the Minotaurs, muscular and bold? Would they be a proud warrior race, much like the Griffons? Or would they be social, desiring friendship like her little ponies? She was content to wait and find out. The present was exciting enough as it was.
So the author either didn’t see or chose to ignore The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone. That episode should have thoroughly squashed every headcanon about Griffons being warriors. In canon, they’re more like Ferengi than Klingons.
Come to think of it, there never was anything to justify that headcanon in the first place, was there? I mean, the only griffons we saw before that episode were a bitch with no backstory other than being Rainbow Dash’s friend, a pastry chef, and the ones competing in the Equestria Games.
Anyway, the prose has a few issues, but it’s better than most of what I see. Unfortunately, the quality of the writing is not mirrored in the quality of the story it tells.
This is a nothing but a juvenile power fantasy. There is no struggle. There is no tension. There is no question about the outcome. If you read the title, you already know how it ends, and you won’t find a single surprise between the two points. There is no merit at all in this story unless you find a cheap sort of satisfaction in reading about displays of overwhelming power.
And when you scratch the surface of the scenario, the paint starts to peel away from the underlying rust. Where did Celestia’s attack originate from? Did the pillar of fire come from a nearby star, all the way from her home system, or did it just appear in space with no point of origin? Why does the Reaper conveniently monologue at her instead of attacking? Why does Celestia’s power only have two settings: weaksauce and armageddon?
And along the way to that anticlimactic conclusion, there are at least a thousand words wasted on trivial details that amount to nothing. In fact, the whole thing seems like it would be better if it were played as a brief joke.
Celestia was flying through space in her convertible, enjoying the feel of vacuum in her mane, when a Reaper suddenly pulled in front of her. She jammed on the brakes and yelled, “Hey, what’s the big idea?”
The Reaper flexed its huge, metal tentacles at her and said, “Organics suck. We’re gonna brainwash you, melt your whole species into goo, and use the goo to make another one of us!”
Celestia blew her mane away from her eyes. “Bitch, please,” she said as she used her magic to pull a nearby star out of orbit.
“Oh shi—!” the Reaper said as the flying star bitch slapped it. After putting the dented sun (don’t worry; it was insured) back in place, she blew on the Reaper, and it exploded into a cloud of ash.
“You should get out of the kitchen”—she paused to put on a pair of sunglasses—” if you can’t take the heat.”
YEEEEEEAAAAAAH!
Verdict: I hated this story. It’s juvenile, bloated, pointless, and exists purely because the author thinks Celestia should be more powerful than she is in canon. Still, most people seemed to enjoy it, so if the basic idea sounds cool to you, there’s a good chance you’ll appreciate it more than I did.
My version is totally better, though.
The Mane Makes the Mare, by Dubs Rewatcher
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 5,541 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Twilight wants a flowy magical mane, but in order to get it, she has to deal with a trollish alicorn named Faust.
Review: If you saw the last Royal Guard sitepost, you might remember what I had to say about this story.
It's hard to find something meaningful to say about an absurd comedy. Sometimes it's enough for a story to just be funny, and this one delivers plenty of laughs. It's also the only fanfic I've seen that manages to use Fausticorn without making me want to throw my eyeballs into traffic.
Alas, that’s not enough for you jerks, is it? No, I’ve spoiled you, and you want more. Okay, fine…
“Faust is the Author of All Beings,” Celestia said, her voice grave. “Faust is more powerful than any alicorn. She is the one true Creator. She makes the rules.”
“Okay…?” Twilight murmured. “If she’s so important, how come I’ve never heard of her?”
“Because few ponies even know she exists,” Celestia said. “When Equestria was first founded, everyone knew her. She was always out and about, milling with her creations. But sometime after the first millennia, she decided to leave. She’s been hiding away ever since.” Celestia placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Faust is the one who will grant you the ethereal wind you desire. She gifted it to me, and she gifted it to Luna.”
Twilight blinked. “What about Cadance?”
Celestia flinched at the name. Rubbing the back of her neck, she turned away. “Cadance, ah… Cadance didn’t follow the rules. Alicorns that don’t follow the rules don’t get magic manes.”
As you can see, the meta is damn strong with this one, but the subtle allegories in some of the jokes surprised me. I actually didn’t catch a lot of them on my first reading. That’s a rare thing in an absurd comedy.
But since it’s a comedy, the question has to be asked: is it funny? The short answer is “yes.” The long answer is “Stop being an ass and accept the short answer.”
Dammit, I can’t think of much more to say about it.
Verdict: If your sense of humor isn’t broken, read this.
Temptation, by Titanium Dragon
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Romance
Length: 2,999 words (Status: Complete – 2/2 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: While sharing a bed at a sleepover, Rarity considers stealing a kiss from Applejack.
Review: Fun fact: Depending on the jurisdiction, an alternate version of that synopsis could be “Rarity considers committing sexual assault.”
This is a simple story, tightly focused yet carefully paced to allow adequate time for the scenario to build toward its payoff. It may seem a bit slow, but drawing it out a little is necessary to communicate the sense of unease and hesitation Rarity feels.
Perhaps Applejack was unsure of Rarity's intentions herself and had deliberately placed herself in a position of trust. Perhaps Applejack was hoping that Rarity would show some sign, make some move while they lay in bed together to avoid mutual embarrassment. Nothing untoward, of course; Applejack may have lacked the social grace of the nobility, but Rarity had no doubt her friend would find the idea of anything improper as abhorrent as she did, especially with Twilight sleeping in the room with them. But facing her as she was, it was a friendly gesture. A welcoming gesture. It did not have to mean anything, but if Rarity chose, she could lean over to touch her snout to that of her friend, to give her a nuzzle.
Or a kiss.
Rarity shook herself. How could she think of such a thing? The slow walk of her eyes over her friend's face gave her the answer: how could she not? Applejack was beautiful, and unlike many, she didn't need anypony else to make her so. Her work on the farm gave her the glow of health, and allowed the bones and musculature of her face to speak for itself. While some might see the freckles on her cheeks as a flaw, such ponies could not tell silk from toile. Her jaw was well-defined, but not in the lantern-jawed sort of way that some ponies had. No, Applejack's was perfect. And her lips…
The prose is nice, effectively conveying Rarity’s dilemma without a single line of dialogue. It lacks a strong hook, though, so it took me a few paragraphs to really get into it. Thankfully, it ends on a stronger note than it begins and delivers a satisfying conclusion.
Not so thankfully, it’s immediately followed by an alternate ending chapter, which is inconsistent with the style of the main story and seemingly exists to deliver a cheap, unfunny joke.
Verdict: This was pretty cute, and I can imagine much worse ways to spend a few minutes. If you enjoy fluff pieces with interesting stylistic choices, have a look. I’d recommend staying away from the second chapter, but with it being only 347 words long, no one’s going to listen.
Five Seconds of Everything You’ve Ever Wanted, by Whirring Gears
Rating: Everyone
Tags: 2nd Person, Romance
Length: 1,584 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Night Glider has a crush on Double Diamond.
Review: Let me state right up front that I do not like second-person perspective. There is only one instance I have ever seen of it being used in a way I liked, and this story is most definitely not it. More on this topic in a second.
This story is tagged as a romance, but it really has more in common with the slice of life genre. Remember that scene when Night Glider picked up Double Diamond and carried him for a few seconds in pursuit of Starlight Glimmer? This entire story takes place during those few seconds, detailing NG’s feelings about carrying him, as well as detailing the entire history of her crush. Or since it’s in second person, your crush.
Here he is now in your arms in his cute helmet and scarf. You wonder if the scent of fresh chill is coming just from the air or from the bits of his mane poking out. Despite the added weight, holding him so close makes you feel as if you were being lifted up. It swirled in your head and chest, runs up your spine, and sends more shivers down your wings than the cold itself. With both his and your cutie marks back again, it doesn’t just feel like a simple embrace. Such thoughts from before, seeing this pony as different was perhaps the spark that kept you going. Now, with not just him but both of your cutie marks restored, it’s as if two ponies are finally truly meeting for the first time igniting a fire in your heart and mind.
If that passage seems perfectly interesting to you, feel free to disregard everything I’m about to say.
As I see it, second person can serve two purposes. The first is to allow a reader to insert him-or-herself into the story. The second is to (attempt to) evoke the emotions—perhaps even the general mentality—of a defined character in the reader. The first generally results in bland characters and risks disconnecting the reader every time the character does something they wouldn’t personally do. The latter is a risky proposition because if you get it wrong, the use of the perspective not only fails to connect with the reader but also shatters their immersion.
And that last thing is exactly what Five Seconds did to me. I couldn’t connect with anything going on because I couldn’t connect with Night Glider on any level. I coasted through it, reading about thoughts and actions that were supposedly mine, yet that only served to distance me from it.
Verdict: The perspective problem ruined this fic for me and made me feel like my time was wasted. Still, the underlying idea is a little cute, and it’s a short fic, so if you like the concept and can tolerate the utterly worthless second-person perspective, you might enjoy it.
The One Who Got Away, by Georg
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 22,773 words (Status: Complete – 7/7 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: A Canterlot bean counter becomes a Baron, but his “lands” are underwater and populated by seaponies. Self-discovery ensues.
Review: In most cases, I want the stories I read to have some sort of conflict, and I want the characters to struggle and grow. This is the rare exception to the rule.
It’s a simple story with a basic structure and a message we’ve all seen a thousand times before—finding happiness in being yourself—but the message is a timeless one. The stakes aren’t particularly high. There’s no villain to be fought or disaster to be overcome. It’s just the day-to-day activities of a character whose life is changing.
The main character, Gaberdine, is a solid character in his own right, but he’s also an avatar for everyone spending their lives trying to measure up to the expectations of others instead of finding their own fulfillment in life. The characters he meets are all charming and well-defined, breathing life and beauty into the tale.
Gaberdine opened both eyes and yawned, looking at a young unicorn filly who had just barely gotten her head over the edge of the ship by tucking it under the rail. Her dark violet mane was still damp, most probably from swimming around in the lagoon, and she had a little sprig of waterweed tucked behind one ear, but most of her yellowish-green coat had dried already. Both eager young eyes sparkled with that overly-energetic wakefulness that the freshly-risen despised to the bottomless depths of a coffee cup, and her bright and cheerful smile only added to Gaberdine’s grouchy morning nature.
“No, I’m Mister… I mean Baron Gaberdine. What’re you doin’ on my boat?” he grumbled with a yawn.
“Mister Baron Miller always called it a castle,” said the little filly with a splash from her hind legs, most probably still in the dirty river water. “He used to read to me. B’fore he went to the Heavenly Pastures, that is. Since then, only Mister Sen will read to me, and he doesn’t make the funny faces and quacky noises like Mister Miller.”
Grunting again as he stirred stiff limbs from their positions against the unyielding wooden deck, Gaberdine reopened the maintenance manual and tried to look busy. “I’m sorry about Mister Miller, but I really don’t have time to read to you because I’m trying to get the boat… I mean ship ready to go to Baltimare.”
The way the story is written often reminded me of Terry Pratchett, although the tone feels more like one of Studio Ghibli’s films. It flows nicely, although there are a few spots where an extra paragraph could be added to slow the pacing a smidge and allow the passage of time to sink in. If I really wanted to complain about something in the prose, I guess I’d point at the plethora of redundant saidisms, but they didn’t amount to anything more than a niggling annoyance.
There is one thing, however, that drove me bonkers. Gaberdine, the story’s main character, is not described at all. The only piece of him that ever gets described is his cutie mark, and that detail doesn’t appear until chapter 4. Also, the quotes from The Aeneid at the start of each chapter left me scratching my head because they serve no purpose and clash with the narrative style.
Even so...
Verdict: This story is simple, charming, and effortlessly pleasant, and I absolutely loved it. Unless the lack of dramatic weight bothers you, I highly recommend checking it out.
You know, once you start slipping away from something, it can be hard to get back into it. During all the troubles I’ve experienced in the last six months, I found it much easier to lose myself in things that required next to no time commitment, things like certain indie games, youtube videos, etc. My activity here naturally suffered as a result.
And let me tell you, that made me feel like crap.
It’s not that I’ve lost interest; I’ve just gotten used to the instant gratification I can get elsewhere. I’m making an effort to fix that now. I’m cutting back on everything else and focusing on writing reviews right after reading stories, writing new stories, editing the ones nearly ready for publication, and being a useful member of The Royal Guard.
By the way, the Guard could really use some new blood. We’re also running short on good romances, comedies, and stories involving humans, so if you have any of those, please consider submitting them to us. Just don’t submit someone else’s story.
Anyway, I’m trying to get things back to the way they used to be. With any luck, you’ll see an immediate change. If not, feel free to poke me and make sure I’m not slipping back into bad habits.
Want to call my wrath down on a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—You can request a story of any length.
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read or review it. These are requests, not orders.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one (really picky) guy's opinion, and I'll *probably* recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
Eh, I generally don't like making any changes to stories beyond typo fixing once they're already published. Though it might still be a small change worth making, especially as I start work on the sequel.
Of course, if I were fully committed to making it EQG3 compatible, then Science Twilight's motivation and rant in the third act would also have to change, since the events of the movie would have heavily informed her attraction to Sunset.
I understand this hilariously phrased feeling all too well.
On that note, what's the one second-person fic you like?
3608043 I get where you're coming from, but my mentality is the complete opposite. I'm willing to revisit a story months (even years) after publication just to make sure new readers get the best experience I can provide. Maybe I'm just pedantic, though.
Anyway, I think it would be worth making an adjustment just because it would be so simple. 5-10 minutes of work, by my estimation. Either way, it was still good enough for me to approve it on behalf of The Royal Guard.
3608066 It wasn't a fanfic. It was a novel I read 10-15 years ago. I can't even remember the name of it now, but it made limited use of second-person (it was mostly third-person) to create a bond between the reader and a specific character. It went to great lengths to ensure the reader could understand, and even sympathize with, the choices that character made later in the book.
3608066 Cold wrote one that was amazing, but I can't remember the name offhand (darned phone)
Thanks for the wonderful review. The One was a lot of fun to write and to keep that casual touch as I went along. I'll try to keep the same air to the sequel.
Good to see you back, mate.
Looks like most of the ones you found at least intrigued, with the exception of a few. Always good to take a break from the cesspool of crap and find fics that genuinely do well.
There were two fics in this list that caught my interest. One for a general read and laugh. The other for taking a hammer and smashing it until something good comes from it. The Mane Makes the Mare in the former and Why No One Messes with Celestia in the latter.
While I do enjoy Celestia as a character, I've never seen her as an all powerful god. Powerful, yes, but hardly something that is unstoppable. Chrysalis managed to defeat her, Nightmare Moon only lost to her because of the Elements of Harmony and Tirek was too powerful for her, even without Alicorn magic. Haven't seen Season 5 yet, so wouldn't know if she get trampled there either.
Well, because you asked, I submitted my currently highest-rated comedy, Name Rater, to The Royal Guard. Not sure if it'll go through though, considering that it got rejected by EQD.
3608713 Well, you can never tell. While there is a lot of overlap between us, the differences in our standards mean we approve a lot of things they reject and reject a lot of things they approve.
3608790
Makes sense. And either way, I got some good feedback to apply to my future projects.
It is amazing how much more you can get done by cutting out crap from your life.
Admittedly, part of why I started doing reviews in the first place was to give myself a reward for finishing a story by posting content.
I find it interesting how little you always have to say about my story! I guess that's what happens when you write a story with no overarching message or theme other than "JOKEZ."
Either way, I'm glad you continue to like it. I hope I can write something else for you to like in the future.
3608091
Ahh. My usual thought (here pulling in 3608191 ) is Magello's To Love the Sun. It's a very different kind of second-person from your average self-insert shipfic.
How does the group feel about snarky parodies that mock an entire sub-genre of ponyfic?
3609007
Heh. There are just some things I can't find words for.
3609967
Depends on the PRs, I guess, but if it's well-written and funny (not to mention inoffensive enough to put in a site post) there's a good chance.
Please, rewiew my story! I want to be a vampire
3609464 Found it. Cold in Gardez For Whom We Are Hungry. The odd second person POV makes the changeling seem even more real.
3966500
Well that took a while o.O
Also, they were both from the same contest, imagine that. :)
Oh hey, I found this from the city of doors spreadsheet. Following. Was looking for a review of The One That Got Away