Check out some of my proposed (totally fictional) personal action levels of (not going to happen) Patreon sponsorship! · 5:28pm Nov 2nd, 2015
As per the actual site, all amounts are considered as being on a per-month basis.
$0.01. I will officially change my bio and call myself a professional writer because after taking out any transaction fee required by the site, I will have fulfilled the primary requirement: perpetually operating at a loss.
$0.02. Every time I find a nickel resting against the curb, I will think of you by name, darkly.
$0.10. I will fix that typo which has been nagging you for the past month.
$0.25. I will deliberately replace it with another typo to annoy someone you don't like.
$1.00. I will not review your story.
$1.50. Seriously. Not going to do it.
$2.00. Masochist.
$2.50. You pick the next chapter to go up.
$2.51. You get to read the next chapter before anyone else.
$2.52. You post the chapter on your own account. (Congratulations! You are the new Pony Hitler!)
$4.00. Look, the last time I reviewed a story, electrons committed suicide.
$5.00. After performing any necessary major edits which basically amount to a Suectomy, I will write your OC into the 'verse, in a role of my choosing.
$10.00. You dictate what appears on my bio line for one month, within "I may not try to kill you" limits.
$15.00. Seriously. Atoms were splitting themselves to get away from my review. Is that the sort of thing you really want to deal with?
$50.00. I will write a sex scene.
$55.00. I will explain one 'verse secret to you, in a way that makes a tiny degree of sense, at least to me.
$75.00. Look, I did the whole review thing. There are still three states I'm not allowed to enter if there's any chance I might express an opinion.
$90.00. I post a list of story ideas and you decide which one I work on next.
$91.00. You may give any or all of the ideas to someone competent. Except (insert writer here), who hates me.
$92.00. ...okay, fine...
$100.00. I will briefly consider showing you the sex scene.
$150.00. Your OC gets to date Flitter.
$175.00. Your OC will live through the date.
$200.00. One day, your OC may consider dating again. And walk, too!
$250.00. I marry off your waifu.
$251.00. It was just a dream sequence! Calm down!
$500.00. The 'verse secret is now of your choice, whether I want to tell you or not.
$1000. I will burn the sex scene.
$2000. Most of what I said in telling you the 'verse secret was not a lie.
$3000. Your OC may now date Ratchette.
$3500. Twice.
$4000. Rainbow Dash is replaced by a Harrier jump jet.
$5000. I stop using the word "field" to describe the aura of pony magic.
$7500. I stop using "gigglesparks" and go back to "field" again.
$9000. I write a time loop story.
$9000. I write a time loop story.
$9000. I write a time loop story.
$15,000. I will travel to Equestria and personally kill the Displaced self-insert of your choice. (Available at a special discount rate due to the charitable nature of the work.)
FREE: You get their severed head.
Additional $0.01 processing fee: You don't.
$22,000. The canon episode of your choice never happened. Never. Happened. (It's really best if you don't inquire about the details on this one.)
$30,000. The secret Hasbro blind bag distribution chart is in your hands three months before anyone else gets it.
$33,000. Or you could just raid the factory after I break you in...
$40,000. I settle on "Ditzy".
$40,000. Or "Derpy".
$40,000. Diego?
$9,000. I write a time loop story.
$50,000. Did I mention that the last time I wrote reviews, I personally destroyed an entire genre of fiction? Ever hear of quaraxing? No? That's why!
$60,000. Your OC will not be edited, no matter how desperately they need it. (Please note that there are no promises of OC lifespan express or implied.)
$75,000. I submit one story of your choice to Equestria Daily, by snail mail, sent to the wrong address, in a dead language, within a box rigged to implode.
$75,000+: Live with it: that's the only way it's happening.
$100,000. Nice try, but I will not sleep with you.
$200,000. ...we're just talking sleeping, right?
$400,000. Gawdsdammit, you snore.
$500,000. I hire a team of animators, editors, voice actors, and everything else required to turn the 'verse into a series of actual video productions. (Minimum twelve-month commitment required. 85% of this is for legal fees.)
$1,000,000. I will review your story.
$1,003,000. ...fine. And pay for the funeral afterwards.
Suggestions for additional levels, prices, and actions welcome. (I'm new at this.)
Dang, now I wish I had an extra 5000 bucks a month. Plus whatever it would take to get you to edit gigglesparks into your already finished stories.
Honestly, the ability to harness nuclear forces just by expressing an opinion sounds like a highly marketable skill. Think how much you could charge to stay mum!
LMAO!
How much to make a glorious bonfire of the lot of them?
I can spare $50.00.
$2,000,000. Delete your account and retire from writing forever, because you suckered an idiot out of his money and now you're rich.
Hmm, so how much for a sex scene with Flitter? Writing, showing, PTSD therapy after reading it?
3515808
Somewhere in this statement lies a Donald Trump joke waiting to be born.
3515805
*trademarks "gigglesparks"*
I now remember the Penny Arcade kickstarter for... something... which had as one of its tier rewards that one of the creators would yell your name while chasing a duck.
They held him to it. They did it for an hour before giving up.
So you have a way to travel to Equestria, that costs no more than 15 000, and you're not using it to become a millionaire? Wait... is the CDA nonfiction?
Inquiring minds are now very eager to know if this review actually exists or is just an elaborate running joke.
3515821 Somewhere in *every* statement lies a Donald Trump joke waiting to be born.
Darnit, I didn't check on Sizzler's rental rates before I wrote him into Royal Exam. Now I'm going to have to see if the wife will let me borrow the checkbook.
3515818
Hang on. I have to go through my discarded drafts and find out how much I would have charged for a Brown Note story which would have induced suicide in your chosen target. Since it's pretty much the same effect, it's fair to make it the same price...
this is a thing of beauty
3515840
I guess posting it in public would be against Geneva Convention...
3515826
Don't make promises you're not willing to keep. Unless you're a politician. Professional athlete. Weather forecaster. Pundit. Celebrity. Human being...
The truth is that I have tried writing reviews before this. Movies, mostly. Some of them came across as being pretty abrasive. When I don't like something, I'm not shy about saying so, and I have a tendency to spray acid around the edge of plot holes. Apply that to a community which I'm supposedly some small part of, and... well, I'm already Pony Hitler, okay? I really don't want to find out what the level immediately beyond that is.
Double Pony Hitler with Cheese.
3515865
Only if you were planning on showing it to prisoners of war. Otherwise, it's in the same category as Human Centipede films. Everyone knows they only exist to create torture, but no one has yet to legally prove it.
!!!!!WARNING: IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE FRANCHISE, IN THE NAME OF ALL YOU PERSONALLY HOLD HOLY, DO NOT LOOK IT UP!!!!!
Oh, look. I understated.
3515814
Honestly, I'd have to do some extra research first. I have no idea how much it would cost to have every fire department in Equestria standing by to keep the entire continent from going up.
$9,000. I write a time loop story.
3515876
Did you know that in France, they call that a Double Sombra With Cheese?
3515817
No, I wouldn't do that. Because given current inflation rates, it's gonna take at least $10,000,000.
3515884
This is my favorite running gag, as I do enjoy time loop stories. I really would like to see your take on one.
Also, we need more Ratchette and something needs to go right for her.
And more Flitter, but not in the same story. I don't think Ratchette can handle Flitter.
But seriously do you have a PayPal account and if so what is the email address for it. Baron mind that if you lie about that email address,
Ipeople could send money to strangers.3515896
Worst DC supervillain ever.
I have no idea how Patreon actually operates. I don't know what kind of percentage they keep, the service they use to send money and their percentage, whether it's a physical check or bank transfer... etc. And will not be finding out any time soon.
As a serious aside, I would genuinely subscribe to your patreon if you had one.
3515816
"A sex scene."
I accept cash or cash.
3515882
Though I think your sex scenes can't be that bad...
Human Centipede? Who haven't heard of that?
3515893
Hrm. Estee's press corps would make for a hilarious take on Groundhog Day.
Seems like the kind of thing Luna would inflict on somepony...
3515908
Note that there is a huge difference between "a sex scene" and "porn". Or between "a sex scene" and "a scene that is actually sexy in any way or by any stretch of the imagination".
3515918
Quite honestly, if 3515908 actually wrote a sex scene, I'd anticipate laughing a few times, then feel dissapointed, and likely end up depressed.
Especially if Flitter is involved in any way whatsoever.
3515931
And now I'm depressed.
So, how much for a story where each of the Mane Six (plus Rachette) set up their own Patreon accounts?
...in a time loop?
3515913
I couldn't do it in-'verse. So far, I've confirmed three time-affecting spells: Star Swirl's (limitations known) and two lost ones, to temporarily accelerate and slow relative rate flow. The latter two are also mark spells: it's possible for other casters to learn them, but having the right mark/talent is just about a prerequisite for making them operate at all. (Said here for the first time: in both cases, there's also a pretty nasty slamback effect when you re-match the normal rate again.) One very faint rumor insists there was once a spell to rewind time by roughly three seconds, starting at the split-second before you began the casting. This is generally considered by magical researchers to be A. absolute nonsense and B. a really great idea. However, no one's actually been able to make it function, and so the working is generally found in Canon #8 of the Daring Do cycle.
And not even Discord can change the past.
3515976
You laugh, but there's a Random Comedy story waiting within the idea of the cast setting up Patreon accounts on Earth where total (or specific) donations dictate what will happen in the actual episodes.
ETA: And naturally the title would have to be Patreon Saints.
3515893
I do have a Ratchette idea on hold, but it has to stay there for a while. One other event has to happen first.
3515988
Oh, it wouldn't be an -actual- time loop. Just a dream that seems like one.
You know with a dozen people and $250,000 dollars you should be able to recreate the fire sale from live free die hard. Why limit yourself to animation?
I don't even think Live action shows cost more than $20,000 an episode.
3515990
"Ugh... Rarity? Somebody paid the joke tier I set up. Now I have to kiss you..."
"A kiss doesn't sound so bad."
"...in front of Spike..."
"Rainbow, you know how the little dear feels about me. That's not very nice."
"I'll... I'll split the proceeds with him."
"Well, alright."
"Um, turn around, and lift your tail..."
"How much was this tier, darling?
This is hilarious.
3516010
*nods* Pretty much. The fun part is having it get worse from there.
Much, much worse.
How much do you think it should be to Buy A New Cutie Mark?
How about I just promise to send you whatever change I find in my couch cushions on a monthly basis? Postage due on receipt, of course. Which will most likely end up costing more than you receive... kind of like playing the lottery!
3515990
Is this another "the sun is an egg" thing or is it a "for this story to work the way I want it too there has to be a major event in the canon of my verse" thing?
Because either is fine, I really enjoyed the "sun is an egg" story, and the story you told us to tell us that story. I'm just curious as to which it is this time.
And I'm looking forward to more Ratchette. Always more Ratchette. She's just so huggable.
3516091
Which of us covers the massive fine and jail time for sending cash through the postal system?
3516097
The latter. It's one of those things I can't bring out too early, or at least feels that way.
Man, Estee, all jokes aside, I'd pay you some money every month. But I guess I can get why you wouldn't want one. For me, at least, it'd stress me out too much for me to actually make anything. Idk if you're any way similar, though.
--
Category idea: 10M dollars for you to write a dozen scathing fanfic reviews of the biggest monster-sized fics on this site and mail it to the authors in person. Pay for own postage.
3516050 Considering some of the members of this fandom, and the disposable income they have... Rainbow, Rarity and Spike got off kind of lightly. (Poor choice of words there, but I'm leaving it.)
I gotta wonder why you have such a negative view of the concept.
3516105
It's not actually illegal to send cash via the U.S. postal service; http://www.snopes.com/legal/postal/sendcash.asp
Also, perfectly understandable, there are story events that need to happen in a certain order and there are events that need to happen at certain times, that's how stories work. If you feel that what ever needs to happen first happens first then that's how you do it.
I'll just be looking forward to see more Ratchette when we do get more of her.
3516231
In addition to the legally dubious status of being paid for fanfic and the established fact that the world will end if it locally happens, I'm not sure I'm emotionally up for the Internet equivalent of sitting in the call-in room during a one-year PBS donation drive while every phone remains merrily silent.
(The preceding sentence will make no sense to anyone under twelve.)
3516287
It's not legally dubious, and the latter mostly consists of putting a link on your profile and continuing to do what you've been doing anyway.
3516006
You cunning bastard.
3515973
IF it makes you feel better, there's a fifty percent chance I'd enjoy having sex with you.
3516141
Heck, if you're giving money away, I'll rag on Kkat for free as a public service.
Hey, I'd contribute at the $50. Because I can, because I like good writing, because I'm probably madder than a ferret sausage, and because I want to hear that PBS phone ring...
3516345
Biggest letdown of the day: that wasn't a unique Google result.
... do, uh... do you take chocolate coins?