Paul's Thursday Reviews III · 7:46pm Aug 13th, 2015
Before we begin, let me just take this opportunity to thank the six people currently supporting me on Patreon, and the one individual who chose to donate via PayPal instead. You guys are all awesome. If you intend to claim a reward (Patreon's not giving me any info on that, or I just don't know how to access it), shoot me a PM and we'll get that set up.
Also in the news today: yesterday was my birthday, and because I try to be a good son I aim to head home to my parents' place this weekend for a visit as a small celebratory thing. This should have no effect whatsoever on the coming updates, but I will likely be of limited communication during that time. Parents can be so distracting, y'know?
Alright, on to the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Our Weary Daughter, Rest by HoofBitingActionOverload
Swan Lake by 314
That Wondrously Painful Feeling by SorenPixels (Requested by SorenPixels)
Subconscious Desires by LuminoZero (Re-Read)
An Affliction of the Heart: Volume Two by Anonymous Pegasus (Sequel to An Affliction of the Heart)
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 4
None: 0
I’m not sure how to summarize this story, so I won’t bother to try. It is laced with what I assume to be metaphor and allusion, and when it began I thought I was reading some post-apocalypse, last-pony-living story. Now I think the whole thing is one big metaphor for life itself.
I really had trouble getting into this one. There’s nothing wrong with it, per se, it just isn’t my kind of material. There’s nothing tangible, no facts, just a constant stream of (occasionally repeating) thoughts about things that once were and would be. There are tons and tons of questions left in the wake of this slow and heavy tale and not a single one of them will ever be answered. I understand that the facts aren’t meant to be important here, and for some people this constant stream of vagueness is okay, but I personally would have liked to have seen at least some facts. Granted, we can infer some things, but then those things are contradicted by other elements of the story.
Which makes me wonder if AJ hasn’t simply gone nuts and none of what we are seeing is real.
Our Weary Daughter, Rest is undoubtedly meant to be a thought-provoker. It achieves that job, but I doubt it led me where the author intended. I think something a bit more focused would have been appropriate. That having been said, this is by no means a bad story.
I just don’t think I’m the target audience.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Swan Lake is exactly what I expected, but in some ways it isn’t. The story is fairly obvious; Rainbow discovers that Scootaloo is a ballet dancer and decides to sneak into one of her performances in Manehattan. Rainbow immediately accepts this new truth and the two share a small moment of fluff and D’awww.
The concept is pretty solid, but I take issue with the delivery. For starters, the opening feels rushed. We jump right into Rainbow being in Manehattan for a weather conference, introducing everything with a bunch of exposition that I don’t think is needed. There are better ways to explain why Rainbow had to be in Manehattan that day.
Next, we get to the explanations the Cutie Mark Crusaders have for Scootaloo having been practicing all her life. It all felt rather… weak. I’m expected to believe that these three have been travelling all across Equestria – alone and unchaperoned – and their excuses of being at one anothers’ homes hasn’t been caught by their respective sisters/parents yet? It only takes one off-hand comment from any of the said adults for their cover to be blown. And what about the fact that Scootaloo is considered one of the best ballet dancers of the age and famous all across Equestria? You can’t tell me that can happen and someone in Ponyville – like the celebrity-loving Rarity or the ballet-loving Fluttershy – don’t know what’s up.
Then there’s the big meet where Scootaloo learns that Rainbow Dash knows. It’s not a big mess of fluff as I’d hoped but a simple, straightforward conversation. Oh, sure, there’s a little D’awww, but this moment – what unquestionably should have been the defining moment of the entire story – flew by in a flash. This is the scene the readers are waiting for! Why jump right past it for the (unsatisfactory) explanations? I am disappointed.
So yeah, while I like the idea of the story and think it could have worked well, I feel it had a few too many missteps. Swan Lake felt less about the fluff and more about saying “this is a fact.” For failing to stand up to the story’s potential, I have to knock its score down a bit.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
That Wondrously Painful Feeling
SorenPixels provided no cover art. Point and laugh.
Requested by SorenPixels
SorenPixels has been helping me for a little while with my brainstorming process, and in our conversations he has often remarked to me his utter disdain for all things romance. So when he marked this story in the description as “It encompasses all my feelings,” warning bells started going off in my head. Turns out they were correct.
That Wondrously Painful Feeling tells of how Celestia, after thousands of years of questioning the nature of ‘true love,’ begins to wonder whether or not she has finally found the romantic partner of her dreams. Turns out those funny feelings she has aren’t quite what she hoped for.
I think this story could best be described as a trollfic aimed at shippers like me. It’s designed to lead you on until slamming the door in your face. That’s not to say I wasn’t amused (slightly), I’m just not particularly fond of trollfics. At least this one has the advantage of making sense in terms of the plot.
Yet in terms of the writing style, this story left a painful feeling in my gut. Awkward page breaks of questionable use; not sticking to the past or present tense when appropraite; a disconnected quality that keeps the reader from the immersion; almost 100% exposition. It’s that last one that most hurts my view of the story. SorenPixels would have been far better served to have put us directly into Celestia’s mind rather than having us view everything as an outsider. Then we would have been far more invested in her search, and the crushing conclusion would have been all the more so for it.
As Soren’s first published story, however, I’m kinda impressed. He went on and on to me about being a terrible writer, but this shows much more promise than most starters out there. I think Soren would improve if he would get out of his motivation rut and start writing more practice pieces like this. He’s never going to get to those epic adventures he’s jabbered on about until he does so.
For now? This is kind of a miss for me, but not a bad first try.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Subconscious Desires
By LuminoZero
Re-read
Previous Rating: Pretty Good
Having read a number of Sparity fics, I honestly couldn’t recall which one this was. As soon as I got through the first paragraph, however, it all came back in a flash. Subconscious Desires, told from Rarity’s perspective, tells of how Spike wakes up one morning to discover himself having grown overnight to be three times the size of a pony. Twilight, Rarity and Spike frantically try to figure out why, and the truth is a bit more pleasant than expected.
Then Spike asks Rarity out.
The story suffers a lot in terms of the writing style. LuminoZero makes a habit of using telly lines and excessive exposition throughout the entire story. There’s no attempt whatsoever to let the reader interpret the scene. Despite this, I still enjoyed the story overall. The characters are accurate, their reactions and ‘solution’ to the situation appropriate. Oh, and LuminoZero’s rhyming for Zecora was just about perfect, which is hard for anyone to manage. Bonus points there.
The only major regret I have is that we don’t get to see the aftermath. I suppose there’s no need to see how the actual date went, but it’s still a shame; you know 90% of the shippers reading this eagerly anticipated such a scene. I can hear the collective groan of disappointment still floating in the stratosphere somewhere.
Still, for being a nice bit of Sparity fluff, I thought this worth my while.
Bookshelf: Worth It
An Affliction of the Heart was a decent, if predictable, story about the changeling Kuno and the Reserve Guard named Warden who fell for her. Although certain aspects of the writing were seriously flawed, the story was entertaining enough that I decided to go ahead and read the sequel.
The good news? Anonymous Pegasus’s writing improved a little from one story to the next. Unfortunately, some of the most apparent issues still remain. In particular, the author still tends to explain everything the reader already knows from the dialogue in the narrative, wasting time and ruining immersion. It’s not so bad near the end of the story, suggesting an author learning from mistakes. As such, I’m willing to forgive.
I think my only real complaint involving this story is that it sort of… meanders. There are a lot of different things that happen, all very loosely tied together by Kuno’s longing for a foal. The beginning made little sense when taken in context with everything we know about the original story – particularly Warden happily giving up a lifelong dream on a whim. Then we have Kuno and Warden being excessively gushy about one another in a continuous state of ‘puppy love.’ I’m all for a little fluff, but I can’t help thinking Anonymous Pegasus laid it on too thick this time.
Then we have the Chrysalis subplot, which is completely out of left field and leads to a revelation that, somehow, the author manages to make sense out of even while turning the entire first book into one big lie. While I approve of the plot arrangement, I don’t care for being told that everything that’s meant to be true isn’t. It makes me wonder what else the author will be retconning in the coming books.
Oh, and then there’s the huge, gaping plot hole that is the Crystal Empire. So the Empire is back – which the author weakly uses as an excuse to move the couple back to Canterlot – and Sombra even makes a cameo. And then?
Nothing.
The return of the Empire is even mentioned in the story description, and this is all we get? Talk about a let down. The saving of the Empire is 100% skipped (sorry, all you folks hoping for a Mane 6 cameo). Then, what does Anonymous Pegasus do? He depicts Cadance and Shining Armor as still living in Canterlot. I think we can all agree that Cadance and Shining are the rulers of the Empire at this point, so why the heck would they still be holding court in Canterlot? For that matter, why is Cadance holding the night court with Princess Luna instead of perhaps having her own court in between Celestia’s and Luna’s or something of that nature?
The setting with Cadance and Shining Armor makes very little sense, but there’s something else that makes even less sense: when Warden and Kuno learn of a plan by Chrysalis targeting Shining, Warden actually considers letting it happen, claiming a desire for revenge after Shining beat him so brutally in the last story. Excuse me, but we’re talking about the conquest of Equestria. Even if his lover is a changeling, am I expected to believe that Warden would let the country fall, see Celestia, Luna and Cadance defeated and watch the changelings split up all the families into love farms all over something that happened a year ago and for a fairly good reason?
And then Shining asks why Warden didn’t actually take that route.
Yeah, not buying it. Cadance, I propose you inspect your husband for any mind-controlling magic. You too, Kuno.
An Affliction of the Heart: Volume Two isn’t half as good as its predecessor. Although the writing itself is improving, the plot is all kinds of nonsense. Even so, I intend to read the third story in the group so I can see if Anonymous Pegasus gets better in the area of plot development.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Stories for Next Week:
Pros and Cons by Steel Resolve
Blur by lunabrony
Sisters are Awful by scootaloo96 (Requested by Sleepy Panda)
Time Well Spent by Smexy Sombra (Re-Read)
The Best Kind of Surprise by Bluegrass Brooke (Sequel to What Changes May Come)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Monday Reviews XV
Paul's Monday Reviews XVI
Paul's Monday Reviews XVII
Paul's Monday Reviews XVIII
Paul's tuesday Reviews II – "Where did the Time Go?" Edition
Paul's Monday Reviews XIX
Paul's Monday Reviews XX
Paul's Monday Reviews XXI – "Final" Edition
Paul's Thursday Reviews The Ist!
Paul's Thursday Reviews II
A happy birthday to you good sir
Thanks for the review!
A note on Affliction and the Crystal Empire. One of the problems with writing a story around the time a certain event takes place is the itching desire to include the story in the event. (Been there, done that, learned my lesson) I really think it made sense plotwise (not in that way) for the scene to move from the northern Crystal Berry farm back to Canterlot as things 'heated up' as they say, particularly in terms of action. (After all, other than Sombra, the action is all around Canterlot)
Day 257: Still growing Crystal Berries.
Day 258: Still growing Crystal Berries. Sprayed for Crystal Moths.
Day 259: ...
Somehow I missed this being posted! Guess I was caught up in college prep. I remember reading An Affliction of the Heart when it first came out. I don't remember why I never got around to the sequel.
Nothing has really sounded good to read lately, not even fics that I've been following for awhile. Hrm.
Enough of that though, happy birthday! Cherish that time with your parents.
I had a feeling it would turn out this way. Although I'm glad for the approval and critique, it's always appreciated. At least you enjoyed it some, that's all I can ask for in the end.
Easy, Fluttershy did know and just didn't get around to telling anypony about it. Or, it maybe it's just as crazy as kingdom-wide hero and newly crowned royalty (and possibly ascended semi-divinity) not being able to get even a polite response when trying to get a cab in Manehatten.
Also, maybe their parents/siblings figured it out and figured it was a good excuse to relax. As long as the CMC weren't burning down cities it's all good in their book.