Saturday Night Featured #3: Just As Bad The Third Time Around · 2:37am Sep 14th, 2014
Hey there folks, it's Bobington of the Rainbows here with your favorite time of the week! It's Saturday night, there's a site called fimfic, there's a featured box, and then there's me, the poor bastard who has deemed it his destiny to enact untold of cruelties on his mental state by reviewing all those fics in the ye olden box.
Anyway, you probably already know the sales pitch by now. No need to continue this charade any longer. Let's get to reviewing, because hot damn is this gonna be a good one (that's a horrible, horrible lie, by the way)!
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND MILD DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS SHALL BE AT HAND!
Stab! Stab the badfics until they're dead! DEEEEEEEEAD!
First off, mad respect to JohnPerry for his own featured box reviews, which you can find here. He's been in the business much longer than I have, and is therefore much less sane. Go and follow the ol' boy, because if you like suffering in the featured variety, he'll be your dealer. But for now, let's get to #7!
After a promising breakthrough with an experimental spell backfires in the worst way possible, Twilight finds herself in a cubed world where she must learn how to use the world around her to survive.
This is Minecraft, placed blocks are locked in place, broken blocks shrink in size to be carried, and mass has no meaning. The monsters are real, rotting zombies, terrifying hairy black spiders, tall lanky creepers are everywhere, and death is not an option.
Will Twilight learn to survive, or will she become something more?
Okay... so it's a Minecraft crossover then. I don't know anything about the game and hate playing it, but hey, might as well as give it a chance and see if its merits can stand alone as a good crossover. Pfft, I can't believe I just said that. But still, let's give this story a look and—
Wow! featured 9/11/14! Thanks everyone!
MOTHERFUCKER!
CAN'T I JUST GO ONE DAY WITHOUT SEEING THAT GODDAMN MESSAGE IN A STORY'S DESCRIPTION?! JUST ONE GODDAMN DAY?!
Ugh... okay, other than that annoying as fuck nuisance that just won't die, the story is about as straightforward as can be. Twilight's in Minecraft, which apparently has a thing for cubes. Grammar is decent enough and no major complaints, and thankfully Twilight is in character, or as much as she can be in this freaky world. I'm not a big Minecraft fan so the story itself just doesn't appeal to me. I mean, in a way, the fic is specifically tailored for Minecraft fans, with the MLP stuff also correlating to a point. This means that non-Minecraft people may not go with this. This isn't necessarily bad, but it just goes to a moot point and doesn't do anything new. It's meh. It doesn't do anything to break the boundaries of the typical crossover and instead runs with the entire shebang of taking a pony and putting them into the crossovered world. Like I said, this isn't what I would call a bad idea or storytelling, but the overall effect leaves me just bored with it. A hook or something else different really could have made the story more than what it is now, but at the end of the day, I'm just thankful this author knew how to spell Twilight's name right. And with that high point of the evening so far, let's move on to #6!
Spy.
Potions Teacher.
Traitor.
Murderer.
Severus Snape was known as many things. But right now, he was just confused.
"And just...what are you all supposed to be?"
Anyone else think those paragraph spaces between the words are unneeded? I mean, this could have looked much better in one paragraph. Eh, that could just be me. And what's up with the last line? I think that's Snape talking to the ponies, yet everything prior was just description, so... bleh, it's confusing. Maybe just to me. I'dunno, I'm not a Harry Potter fan either. Unlike the previous fic which took a pony and threw it into a crossovered world, this is taking a crossovered world's character and throwing it into the pony world. Another bland cliche, but hey, it's been done decently before, so let's just see how this—
Chapter Three (featured!) · 11th Sep 2014
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN IT WAS IN THE DESCRIPTION, BUT NOW AS A GODDAMN CHAPTER TITLE?! A FUCKING CHAPTER TITLE?!
Just... Jesus Christ, people, this has GOT to end one day. Seriously, putting "FEATURED DUR HUR DUR" in a chapter title? God... okay, forget it, moving onto the story. Anyway, as for the story itself, thus far it's just Snape acting like a dick to everyone with an underlying layer of pent-up teenage angst. Now, I'm not sure if this is how he acted in the movies/books, since I read those long ago and pretty much forgot them, but so far he's just an unlikeable character. He's a dick, is what I'm trying to say. Which, unsurprisingly, most crossovers with the crossovered world's character ending up in ponyland end up being. Just colossal dicks that are unlikeable but everyone reads about anyway because "hur dur dur hur dur" that's the favorite character from my book/movie/video game and he's interacting with ponies OMG! I mean, I guess Snape is supposed to be an asshole, but didn't he die in the books because he wasn't one in the end? I'dunno, but here he's just boring. The only draw here is for Harry Potter fans, who would just eat it up, so... yeah, enjoy that, I guess. Really, in the end, it's just meh with no horribly bad qualities I can see, mostly for the fact I just don't know Harry Potter. So now that we're done with that, time for #5!
Absolute Power by Zamairiac
This story is a sequel to The Royal Break Up Chronicles
A What-If to Celestia's Royal Break Up Chronicle, because Luna's not a greedy pony!
When Tobias breaks up with Celestia, he does so without truly understanding the consequences of such an act, that he had unknowingly brought about a dark side of her to the surface.
A dark side still so terribly hurt from her thousand years of solitude that her need and love for the young man is unbearably powerful.
A dark side that is all too willing to reveal that she would do ANYTHING to have him back in her hooves once more.
Anything, anything at all. Even if she has to wreck his life to do so.
And for a mare with absolute power and absolute authority. For a mare so beloved by all of her subjects, such a thing is very possible...and very easy.
As Tobias will learn, one cannot steal the heart of such a individual, shatter it into a thousand pieces and expect to walk away unscathed.
Not when the recipient still very much sees you as hers...
Oh Jesus. Oh sweet baby Jesus. That could quite possibly be the most fucking stupid description I've ever seen. You don't need to put a new paragraph for every goddamn new sentence. You don't need to drag on a fucking description to no end. You don't NEED to bold and color change the last fucking word. Oh, but why should I be surprised? It's a Zamairiac fic. And it's a sequel—OH WAIT NO IT ISN'T! This is a fucking alternate ending of an already shitty OOC nightmare. Like... seriously, how did this even get approved? There's nothing new here, it's just milking for the sake of milking. It could've been added to the original story without much trouble. Oh, but nooooooo, the author wouldn't get all that delicious milk to suck. Fuck... I'm really gonna have to read it, I guess. I mean, how bad could it possibly be?
Brief Warning - This fic contains a darker version of Celestia, one that really will do ANYTHING to get what she wants. If that bothers you then this fic isn't for you.
Oh, that bad...
I need moooooooooooooore!
Okay, I won't beat around the bush. Just... just look at the author's notes put at the very beginning.
I strongly advise you read Celestia's chronicle before this, else it might not make much sense.
In any case, here it is.
The What-If to Celestia's original chronicle. Please note that the splitting up scene has been changed to suit this particular story. Said story will be divided into a few chapters, as opposed to a one shot. This is done to create suspense and build tension, instead of wrapping it all off in a six thousand word story.
So...the chronicle I myself am surprised wasn't done sooner. For this chronicle sees the return of a Celestia not seen since Come Back To Me.
No over the top comedy, no seriously out of character ponies. Just a mare desperate to make our protagonist love her again.
I hope you like this particular dark side to Celestia, because it's been well over a year and I'm going to try my damndest to write her again.
Begin!
No, fuck you. Fuuuuuuuck yooooooooou! This is perhaps one of the most unoriginal shitstories I've ever seen on the site. You wanna know what I feel about this story? Celestia isn't even goddamn Celestia. She's a psychopathic asshole and a wangsty dumbass moron, and the author calls her Celly. I'm not fucking kidding, he ALWAYS refers to her as Celly when writing her. Is the author seriously so lazy he can't spell out her full name? Oh, but past that, there's this fucking uninteresting, boring, annoying, asshole human OC who doesn't even attempt to be anything other than the author's self-insert. That's what this fucking story is. A wangst-filled, alternate ending, piece of shit self-insert OC human, OOC ponies, and overall poorly written and extremely contrived garbage story. Oh, but why should I be surprised? It isn't like the author has changed up the formula to his—I shudder to call it—verse. But hey, if you like OOC ponies, blatant milking of a shitty story, a self-insert, jackass human that clues me in on how awful this story is right off the bat, and a story set-up that's the most wangst-filled, fake drama over a fucking breakup every conceived, this is the story for you! Choke on it. Oh, and don't bother trying to tell the author to write something new or improve himself. I've seen that attempt fail way too many times to count. Now, before I slam my head against the desk any harder over reading that garbage, let's move onto #4!
A Unique College Experience by Twi-Fi Network
[Set in the Equestria Girls universe.]
All of Twilight's human friends have finally graduated from Canterlot High and have made their way into the nearby Canterlot University. Even Celestia has moved up from being a high school principal to a faculty adviser and admissions officer.
Halfway through their freshman year, a familiar face joins them, but not from Equestria. However, as they get to know Twilight Sparkle's human counterpart, they'll discover that she has an interesting secret. One that will intrigue and delight all of her new friends.
Uggggggggggggh. Wait, no, let me repeat myself. UGGGGGGGGGGGGH. Another human futa EqG clopfic. And yes, I know it's futa, because no author ever makes it subtle. Oh hey, an interesting secret, I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD BE?! But at least it doesn't have a fucking "featured on XX/XX/20XX" thing on it, so there's a small light of hope in the darkness that is this world.
Yeah, it makes me think a fic in the featured box can actually be good.
Huh... okay, so it's a clopfic with an actual story behind it. Whowouldathunk? Also, turns out that Twilight is a hermaphrodite instead of the typical magical penis you see in most futa fics. So points there for originality. And really, the entire story itself is more original than what you'd typically expect. Twilight is written decently in character, Celestia as well, and Pinkie so far wasn't too shabby. The story might be built up for the futa sexy times, but hey, past that it's actually intriguing. The clop parts themselves are kinda technical and could use more pizazz to lighten them up to be more engaging, but no major complaints there. Overall, a better attempt at the futa EqG clopfic than I would have ever thought possible, so props to the author for that. An okay fic for anyone who wants an interesting story for their clop, so go at it. And while I'm in the good mood, time for #3!
Solar Sovereignty by Dream Bolt
A visit from Applejack ends up bringing up some pretty tough questions for Spike, and unfortunately, he and Twilight disagree. Very strongly.
Spike must find a way to restore his faith in ponykind, and Twilight must find out the truth, and if possible, restore her faith in the solar sovereign of Equestria.
This is a sequel to Leading the Herds.
First off, someone should tell the author that there's a sequel function button on this site. Like, it's in the editing part for when you make your story. Not that hard to miss. Secondly, I hope that Celestia isn't a tyrant here. Dear god does that happen all the fucking time. It just gets tiring, ya'know? Anywhores, let's dig right into the story and—
(This story is meant to have a positive undertone, despite the "Sad" tag. So I warn you now, any fighting or antagonistic comments, hate against a character, or other non-friendly comments will be deleted. Also, no political debates, be they real or fictitious, or anything like that. I don't want a bunch of debating here. That's what Youtube is for.)
Ahaha, wooooooow. Dunno if you know this, authorperson, but the comments on fimfic are MUCH worse than anything Youtube could ever produce. But hey, if you don't like criticism and delete it, good thing you can't delete this blog!
Well, I thought it was funny...
Okay, let's begin, shall we? Pacing was wonky as fuck between transitions. Author needs to clear that up a bit. As for the story itself, it attempts to be a "deep thinking" and philosophical story that's supposed to get the reader to think, but really, this story dropped the ball. The characters were much too OOC (Celestia especially) for me to take it seriously, some Sparity comes out of fucking nowhere and really has no place in the story, Spike's question itself and his spitefulness were cliche as fuck and altogether not very interesting. I mean, I give the author props for attempting a story that tried to go all philosophical and shit, but the story just barely skirts canon without getting the AU tag and doesn't hold the characters up to really be used for anything other than mouthboxes. It gets a meh score from me because I appreciated the attempt but was disappointed in the overall piece. Hopefully whatever else the author can write can be better than this. But hey, let's not keep ourselves down, there's still #2!
Diamond Tiara Gets Filthy by The Elusive Badgerpony
Diamond Tiara has always been able to get what she wants out of her father. For years, this involved slamming in the door and kicking and screaming her way until he finally conceded just to shut her up.
(Un?)fortunately, Filthy Rich got wise to these tactics as she grew older, and it was only a matter of years before it stopped working. So she changed her approach. Rather drastically.
And time after time, Filthy Rich has tried to resist, but much to his chagrin, giving in always turns out to not be so bad...
Man, this fic has everything. Anthro, incest, but not foalcon, so I was lying in that regard. It's just straight-up legal age Diamond getting Filthy with her pops. Shouldn't be too bad, right? I sure hope so, since I'm taking a bite into this incest pie right now!
The Game of Thrones gif and the incest mentioning is oddly appropriate here...
Oh boy, oh boy, did we hit the motherload here. This fic is like watching porn... live. You want to tear your eyes away, look at something else, ANYTHING else, because of what is happening in front of you. Filthy getting it on with his daughter is what I like to call "erotica fatal." It's anything but cute and beat around the bush. The story goes really in depth on the entire incest part of the story, so much so that I found myself more interested in that than the actual clop itself. And really, that's the amazing part. The disturbing look into what incest really is with no lies trying to fabricate what the truth that incest can be took my attention away from the two characters grinding sexual bits. You'll feel oddly enticed to read it while asking yourself just why is it so damn sexy, all the while trying to cover up your shame but still unable to stop reading every sentence that flows forth. And really, that's what the author nailed perfectly here. The pacing. Holy fuck, the pacing. The flow drags you in and doesn't let go as your taken down this wild ride with two characters who are as broken as they are interesting to read about. Even if you're not a fan of incest, this fic truly is what I would call good incest writing. Going past the clop and fetish to dig into what truly makes the appeal of incest all the more an enticing taboo to read about. As for the noir-esque writing style the author says he attempted in the description, I'm a bit jiffy on that end because it feels like the author tried too hard, but it doesn't really take away from the story. Overall, good read and rightly deserves its spot in the box. Now time for the moment we've all been waiting for, #1!
Blank Slate is the greatest thief of his generation. He has robbed countless nigh-impossible marks, and his talents as a master of disguise are beyond par - truly, nopony knows who he is.
And now he's preparing the greatest heist in mortal memory: the treasure vaults of the Princesses themselves.
But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past the pony who defines when ‘early in the morning’ is…
Slice of life, Celestia, OC pony, interesting and original story foretold in the description? By Jove, I think I've found the promised land! After all the shit and horrible writing I had to wade through, finally, FINALLY, at the very end comes my just reward. There's a happy ending after all, thank god!
Anyone else think this guy looks like Steve Harvey with a wig?
Okay, holy fuck, did this story have one of the best twist endings or what. Goddamn, I didn't see it coming, and it left me with a good chuckle. And that's the best way I can describe this story. Good. Not exactly great, but boy was it well worth the read. While the main character himself I'm a bit miffed about being kinda uninteresting, the story's set up was a damn excellent job at bringing the readers in and then throwing them on their heads with a great build up. Actually, I'm surprised this story doesn't have a comedy tag, because holy hell is it funny. Now, the story can get a bit wordy here and there, but it doesn't really derail from the reading experience. Give it a go if you want an ending you won't see coming with a story that's a step or two above the rest in terms of enjoyment and originality.
And with that, gents and gals, is another night done. I was worried at the beginning my fears would come true of a truly terrible night, and then my fears were correct later on, but then we arrived at a well enough finish that leaves me with a warmth in my heart (which could actually be heartburn, actually). This Saturday was one where I ate some really shitty chicken wings, but in the end got a delicious burger that left me full. A few hours later I'll regret all of this, as I'm sure you all well know, but hey, at least I have some Pepto-Bismol and a full bottle of bourbon to get me through the night. Now, if the box changes, I don't care, so leave your complaints by the door. Also, if you disagree with anything I have said here, I'll be in my corner drinking if you need me. Me and my easily breakable-on-a-skull bottle.
Apple Bloom is very careful with her grammar when she writes her suicide note. Good on her!
I'm going to listen to this on loop while reading:
I decided to take a look at Little Deceptions, and I have to say that I enjoyed reading it. Anyway, thanks for continuing to do these weekly reviews of the Feature Box. They're always enjoyable to read.
I'm in one of those troll the feature box things. Neat.
Woo! For a clopfic with a big dose of fetish fuel that's pretty high praise indeed. I'll take it.
Eh. I wasn't going for subtle. I mean, I have Twilight spill the premise in the first 1K words or so. No one better than Twi to deliver a completely transparent twist in a perfectly frank, no-nonsense manner.
2453296
I guess it's just that whenever I here "secret" mentioned in the description of a clopfic I know 100% it'll be futa. Though that could just be because I've read a lot of clopfics...
2453301
Yeah, that'll do it.
I was disappointed that we ended on a good note and there was no hilarious venting about a totally trash feature box.
2453263 Eww, disco.
Hmm... now that you mention it, there really isn't a point to put if your fiction was featured or not in the past in the description since its meaningless with how much terrible stuff actually gets in there. This post also makes me glad I have mature disabled on this site.
I just kinda put it on my own cause I thought it was a thing everyone did. You can lie about being featured too, so I think I'll just let the view counts and ratings speak for the work.
*Removes Featured blurb from fiction description*
I'll still put it in blog posts though. Maybe I'll put FEATURED in giant bold text on the post then send em to you if I need to put you in a bad mood for some reason.
2453318
... but I like the Bee Gees...
2453318 I agree, but I like this song for some reason. Don't worry, disco isn't my guilty pleasure. Lady Gaga is.
(has anyone written a Lady Gaga in Equestria story yet?)
2453324
Googled it, got nothin'. But I'll leave this for consideration.
inb4 people dissin' me for posting dubstep but hating disco2453323
That's what blog posts are for. Yes. That is good. Make a blog post about it.
2453331
I see your dubstep and counter with one of the genres that I listen to regularly!
Eat Smooth Jazz!
2453346
Well I did. You were there... and you were there, and I was there, but Toto wasn't there. Jerk dogface always skipping out on references.
Just...
...
*Stealthily removes featured notice from story description.*
You saw nothing
Bob, may I interest you in a Twix?
Or perhaps a Snickers?
2453360
I SEE EVERYTHING!
You mean... that isn't Steve Harvey with a wig?
Aw, I really thought my ripoff of Red Dawn would make it in time for your lovely rage-lists.
Next time, Gadget. Next time.
2453348 I counter again with some rock n' roll! This will shield me from the Smooth Jazz Attack and reflect it right back with the power of soul!
(not sure what subgenre this is but BRMC does like almost every kind of rock, mostly alt rock and alt folk tho)
2453378
DAMN IT ALL TO HORSE HELL
Here we go again...
2453348
IT'S SO SMOOTH I CAN'T TAKE IT!
2453394 I see your Rock and raise you indie orchestral electronica!
2453463 Aaaah! Sufjan Stevens! You've brought out the big guns!
Well, I'll break out the big lungs! James Brown, I choose you!
The blues are on the march!
33.media.tumblr.com/3c1b39202940f1a05c29061b4098a88b/tumblr_mmf3nh8dDh1qg4blro1_r1_400.gif
2453468 That's funked up man!
But can the late great king of soul content with a musical genius a hundred years ahead of his time?
2453468 2453463
I'm coming back into the fray with some Gaelic Storm!
Eat folk music!
2453468
Unf. James Brown is my waifu.
2453496 Ah, get that fake Protestant folky crap out of here! Eat some Cheiftains!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch/yaS3vaNUYgs]
2453309
2453301
I really hate those kinds of stories.
Usually, a secret futa penis irl becoming unsecret in the bedroom would mean a small article in the news the next morning that says "dead transsexual found in dumpster". It's hard to find that secret dick stuff hot when I know people who have been assaulted for being transgender.
One day I'll see you ripping on my stories.
One day...
2453581
Sad, but true. For a few hours each day, I like to let myself believe in a utopia of weaponized friendship, where gender is only as much an issue as is say hair color.
But I can certainly respect someone for not indulging in a fantasy that reminds them of an all too prevalent reality.
Someday... I'll review every single fic on this site.
Every.
Last.
One.
It's like you re-enacted the Divine Comedy in going through the box, Rainbowbob.
#4 - you know, I didn't even need the description. That smirk EG Twilight has just screams "I have dick".
I'm sooo tempted... if I ever get in the box again, to put FEATURED AT... just to piss you off, Bob.
I'm in agreement with your views about you-know-who's stories. He's the epitome of a toolbag.
2453473
One of the best movies ever.
Damn Prarie Dog burrows...
You are very funny man
2453686 Actually, that's as of 13:45 GMT +1 time... Damnit, they changed the thingy again so you can't see what page you're on when going through the stories...
Anyways, you have somewhere about... 36,000 stories to read in that case.
2453913 You, sir, have excellent taste.
It had a twist?
I'll put you right next to Present Perfect in the 'I don't know what they mean by comedy' corner.
Absurd McGuffins of ultimate dullness aside, how did you not cringe and pass comment on all that 'taking heads'?
2454244
I mostly overlooked it. Looking back on it now, the story lost some of it's lustor since I am no longer buzzed and just finally glad I didn't have to read another shitty HiEfuckingapony fic. But overall I still think it wasn't half bad ending for the night.
2454272 sigh, you know what, I'd read Bentley Little's "University" and "The Resort" (read them, now, NOW! This author is awesome!) both horror novels with tons of explicit smut, so I take back what I said.
I completely understand now why people would like the incest story as taboo orientated stories can drag you in, I guess because I see the same old anthro smut fic featured every day that I did not give it a chance. So I might take a look at it, and try to dig for a new level of hell while I read it.
It might actually be well made as you described, at least the author is not Discorded Flare.
Also I'm glad FINALLY agrees with me on how unoriginal Zamairiac is.
2453318 ok, I gave you story a chance, but your treading that thin ice if you bring that sort of shit here!
STAYING ALIVE STAYING ALIVE!
lh5.googleusercontent.com/-U3Oiiw7fwYw/UYRNuLxUQtI/AAAAAAAAgH4/9inJ9C3Hxek/s1600/FreewaveBefriendsEurobeatBronyDiscord.png
May the Disco(rd) Era never end!
Tell me I'm not the only one who has never understood the appeal of futa. That just seems like something from my nightmares. Imagine: you're talking with this girl, you guys are getting along really well, you manage to take it to the bedroom, and then she's all "SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER" and pulls a dick out.
Saturday Night Featured, you come for the reviews but you stay to watch Rainbob's reactions.
No seriously I mainly read this to see how you react to the stories man, it like watching someone try to chew tinfoil. You sure as hell don't want to be the person...but god is it fun to watch them squirm. Either way glad your dive into the dumpster that is the feature box let you find a few...well not gems but err...pretty stones that were okay enough stories?
2453686
You can start with mine if you want
2454362
Well, on the other hand, the idea of a chick with a dick is pretty hot. It's just that most people suck at writing it without resorting to boring, used-up cliches.
2454288
I love you. No, seriously; you get all my respect. I will be following you just because we have a mutual disdain for him (or at least his shitty, repetitive writing). “The enemy of my enemy is my friend" rings true here.
2454037
Challenge accepted.