Fanfiction Review: Past Sins · 11:10pm Feb 14th, 2013
Blogger: http://blogofpony.blogspot.com/2013/02/fanfiction-review-past-sins.html
...Okay, I have nothing better to do. So let's look at one of the most popular pony fics into the totality of existence. One that's already been discussed to death and I have absolutely no reason to bring up again. Let's do something that much more talented fanfiction critic already did and look at Past Sins and get this over with.
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SYNOPSIS:
A thwarted attempt to resurrect Nightmare Moon creates a small Alicorn filly, who Twilight finds and takes into her care. Now named Nyx, the little filly must hide her true nature from those around her while dealing with school and her social life...until she gets found and turns into Nightmare Moon, upon which she...um, conquers Equestria and then mopes for about six chapters before finally...um...
Look, you know this story already. Let's not get into brass tacks here.
REVIEW:
EVERYONE has some idea what Past Sins is. Even if you haven't read it, there's really no escaping its influence. Back in 2011, this was the pony fic for the first drought, and so many people just worshiped this thing to a horrifying degree that it only drove others to utterly despise it. And thus, Past Sins became the first truly huge non-episode Base Breaker in the fandom's history, eclipsing even Cupcakes and its vile spawn.
So, we know that Past Sins is important. The question now is, is it a good story? And the answer is a resounding, unquestioning...meh.
Let me get this out of the way first: when Past Sins is good, it is very good. The overall story has a lot of potential, Nyx's predicament is a theme well worth exploring, and there is some very good buildup leading up to Nightmare Nyx's coup. The first half actually kept me enthralled for the most part, and I was really looking forward to seeing where this story would go. The writing isn't anything spectacular, but it's serviceable and gets the point across well enough.
But then the revisions came, and with them a lot of problems.
Let's start with one particular instance that pretty much got wrecked in the transition. The biggest source of tension and fear in the first half is what Celestia would do if she found out about Nyx. After all, she's basically Nightmare Moon, but without her sister attached. The first version of the story had Celestia ready and willing to murder a young filly if she turned out to actually be Nightmare Moon. This was a hideously out-of-character decision, but at the same time it made the scene where Nyx is taken away against Twilight's will actually fairly powerful. But when the revisions came, Celestia was suddenly ready to just let her go if she proved to not be a threat at all, all references to executions and death were dropped, and Twilight seemed a whole lot less hostile...until she suddenly freaks out at Celestia taking her. Without that dramatic edge to the previous events, the scene loses all its power and just becomes an uninteresting mess.
Characters are all over the map. Twilight is probably the only one who I can say is written consistently well, while the others basically exist to provide exposition or enact tired fan memes. Trixie's role in the story feels totally forced, and even if it's just a minor point, it's still a distraction in an already fairly poor chapter. Celestia, even after the revisions, is rendered horribly, becoming an incompetent moron who basically gives the Big Bad the keys to the principality. And Luna...was a total non-presence until the revisions, where she was more or less turned into Celestia 2.0, shoved into scenes she had no purpose being in, and getting banished in the dumbest way possible.
(By the way, how is Nightmare Nyx able to so easily banish the princesses? If it took the most powerful magic in Equestria to send her to the moon, how can she more or less do it just by looking at them?)
But all of that pales in comparison to the biggest problem in this story: Nyx herself. We have two versions to work with, and neither one works at all. Filly Nyx's only defining characteristics are that she's cute and she cries about everything. It's the same problem I have with Dinky from the Lunaverse, only she at least does something productive once in a while. Filly Nyx is ultimately a flat character, and Pen Stroke's attempts to remedy this situation only made it worse.
When she becomes Nightmare Nyx, she gets a few trace elements of a personality, but she still spends more time moping and moaning than actually doing something about her situation. Even after she's realized what's actually going on, turns good again, and starts fixing the mess, she refuses to actually release the princesses until she's spent weeks being a weeping mess, gets called out by Zecora, and almost dies in an utterly contrived monster fight.
That leads to the ending. There's really not much I can say about it other than that it's boring, horrifying in ways Pen Stroke probably never intended, and barely resolves much of anything. There are a couple sequels (both written and not written by Pen Stroke), but none of them really matter all that much, nor do they really resolve much of anything.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I know a lot of you love this story, so I'm honestly sorry when I say that I am not a fan. This was a good enough story back in the day, but that's it. Once the show fired back up, we got bigger and better stories. Going back to Past Sins makes its flaws all the more apparent, and the constant attempts to update it and keep it relevant just make things worse. While there are some good elements here, this really feels several chapters too long and Nyx was in desperate need of more character.
Overall, this story wasn't terrible like a lot of its anti-fans would say, but it's still very meh overall.
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- 2 Days Remain -
Eh, fair enough. I like Past Sins, but it definitely has some issues.
**removing myself from the equation before i have the man equivelent of a PMS breakdown and burn dwon half of my town while eating pickle flavored icecream**
At least... at least you didn't rip into it like the anti-fans have done... though they seem to do it because of Nyx.
I agree with the meh verdict. I feel the stories by RealityCheck are good thought. I feel he has a better idea on what different characters should feel.
My biggest problem with the shit-storm that came about because of the story was the cries of "Mary-Sue!" at Nyx. I've read Mary-Sue characters before, and I didn't pick up that vibe at all from her.
I only read the first version though, and I've never gone and read the revisions. I definitely enjoyed what I read. Had a few issues, but nothing all that big.
827961
Pickle flavor? Can I have some?
I've only really read the two most recent revisions, but still have to agree with you on a few attempts to keep it up to canon. Shining's being taken over during the castle infiltration really only comes into play during the little Hearth's Warming Eve sequel he has going on right now, and Cadance's rebellion is barely even mentioned in the latest revision.
It will still stay one of my favorites, though. While I disagree with some of your conclusions regarding some of the slower-paced sections, everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat some cookies.
828037
Wait, were those things in Past Sins? They mustn't have been there for the original, because I don't remember those at all. In fact, I don't think Cadence or Shining Armor were even in the original.
I'm getting a vibe that Pen Stokes tried to keep the story up with the times, but instead of improving the original, it was more like duct taping patchwork stuff on.
Could you review Anthropology? I really enjoy this reviews.
I think the first and most fundamental thing someone has to get over when reading Past Sins is: "Are you alright with its very basic premise?"
That is, it's a story about an alicorn OC who is also Nightmare Moon reincarnated trying to find her place in the world. She'll be Twilight's daughter, and she'll take over Equestria for a bit, before finally landing on the side of good.
Getting past that is the first major hurdle. Once you do...
...well, interestingly, there seems to be more than the two versions that you mentioned floating around, IAH. The version I read basically has Celestia 2.0 as you described, though the fact that she was willing to kill Nyx if necessary was apparant. Zecora is nowhere to be found at all (nor are Cadance nor Shining Armor, whom I'm given to understand were added in the final update), and the ending didn't seem horrifying (Nyx is a filly again and has her own memories, and she also recalls all the stuff she did as Nightmare Nyx but in a way that's akin to remembering something you've seen on TV, i.e., not a personal memory). Is the final update different?
I dunno. Personally, my one major complaint with what I read, was how short the pre-Nightmare Nyx timeframe was. Two months just doesn't seem like enough time for the level of emotional bond that Twilight and Nyx had to develop. I like the reign of Nightmare Nyx mostly because of how much of her thought processes we get to see, although I'll admit there was a bit of "are we still on Namek?" to it. For me that only kills a re-read, though, not an initial read.
I think what this story needed was...
- More time with filly Nyx, or rather, more time between the existing scenea with filly Nyx (the same stuff happens but with more time happening between them - maybe six months instead of two)
- Filly Nyx should have had some more obvious elements of Nightmare Moon's personality; a little more willful and assertive, a little less likely to cry.
- Celestia should probably have remained antagonistic towards Nyx, but at the same time conflicted about the fact that Nyx is, basically, just a filly, and Twilight's vouching for her.
- Luna...just needs more scenes. This is a story about her literal darkest desires made manifest. Hell, I'd almost suggest eliminating much of Celestia's scenes and giving them to Luna instead.
- Condense Nightmare Nyx's reign a bit - the same amount of time passes, but let's have less happen in it. There's gotta be some chuffa that can go.
- Having said that, I'm actually okay with there being an extended period of time between Nyx basically becoming good (when she decides to raise the sun again) and her actually releasing Celestia and Luna. After all, as far as she's aware that means her death or imprisonment. Even if she acknowledges that what she did was wrong, there's a large psychological step to make to then be okay with suicide. Still, rather than moping in her castle, time might be better spent using this time to try and convince the ponies that she's just as good, before finally relenting after the Everfree attack (heck, maybe make the Everfree attack be the impetus - she's not in any state to rule physically, mentally, or emotionally, and so finally realizes that maybe she shouldn't)
There is a good fic in Past Sins, somewhere. But the version I read, I give a 6/10.
Think I've said it before, Past Sins isn't your cup of tea, and that's fine, we all have our own tastes. I'll even admit the story does drag out a little too long at several points where it might have been better served just getting to the point.
One thing I will note, however, is that I first read it only after the initial revised version. I've heard about the original though, and feel the story better for the revision. I certainly never found the scene where Nyx is taken from Twilight any less heart wrenchingly pungent just because Celestia wasn't an OOC monster, honestly I think the princess's determination over top her own hesitant reluctance only make it stronger.
All that said, I do find myself with a point I want to refute but find myself unable to -- the idea that Nyx is a boring flat character. I certainly was enamored with her when I first read the fic, and no less so on a second read. Then came the official sequels by PenStroke himself, which I've read each in turn with giddy gusto only to feel mounting "meh-ness" with each. I'm left asking myself if Nyx really was always just a blandly flat character and it was only ever her circumstances that gave the illusion of any interesting depth. So much of the problem seems to be that she's pretty much exclusively a reactionary character, leaving all those surrounding her to do the more interesting stuff. Still, I hold up hope that there is something there yet to be tapped, that will breathe life back in her.
Mostly, I really enjoyed what Past Sins could have been. It dared to go places that few other stories at the time could even attempt with any degree of success, and it seemed to be gearing itself up for a darker conclusion instead of the utterly predictable ending we got. But then, as you say, along came the revisions. And once we'd been stripped of the best and darkest scenes, as well as any possible moral ambiguity from Nyx, what we had left was... well, boring. Seriously, the reason I was attracted to the story was that I genuinely didn't know whether or not Nyx was the Nightmare, and even though the ending was clear and inevitable, there was good potential for her character as she made her way there. Now, she's blatantly good all the way through, and it's like they're trying to reassure the reader all the way through that everything's going to turn out all right. The original got a good four stars from me right up until the end, but now I can't stand to touch it because I don't want to see how they've Lucas'd it up any further.
I like Past Sins, although it's definitely aged.
Then again, it seems like most MLP fics over a year old have aged badly.
....
Review Xenophilia, please?
828075
Cadence and Shining couldn't have been in the original, it was written in S1.
I have yet to read it and I worry that when I finally get around to it (audio book style, after FOE is done) I will find it...lacking. Dotn get me wrong, the idea that Twi adopts a young reincarnation of NM is a good one. I like the idea of redemption and I love the idea of a good nature vs nurture fight. I alos enjoy nyx from "nyx's family' and the Twixie blog. Despite all of that, I fear it might come up short for me and that might come from all of the great fics I have been reading
Last of the Dragonlords- Fluttershy becomes a dragon warrior and goes off to save the world
Immortal Game- A story of war, friends, and keeping yourself through hardships.
Fallout Equestria- its awesome.
Moonstone cup, Empty room, My little Alicorn, that one fanfic involving Dashie and Shining investigating a plot to kill Luna wich I cant remember the title right now, Brotherhood of the moon, live the creed, and some of the Lunaverse fics all seem to have something that puts them over 'Past sins' to me in terms of quality, character, story, scale, and depth. I want to see if I can enjoy this, but then I worry if the time I have spent reading so many BETTER fics have basically ruined it for me. Its like if you had seen Avengers, Iron man, and Thor all before watching Superman (1979). You know its special, you know that it is a good movie, but then you end up comparing it to all of the other great things you have seen and all you can think of is "Eh". Thats what I worry about when I think of reading it. and your awesome reviews kinds of help with my thinking
Review 'The Immortal Game'!
Thank you for writing this. Seriously.
828075 *claps* THANK YOU! That's basically how you sum up half of the problems with the story!
This story does have a very hilarious MST3k version of it. I'd suggest reading it whether you like the story or don't like the story.
It's actually kinda too bad that this is the story that Pen Stroke is best known for. And it's really too bad that he seems to be so hung up on it, constantly revising it and adding sequels and such.Because once he gets beyond Nyx and this story... he's actually not too bad a writer.
He's a little bit hit and miss at times. Stories like Haunting Nightmare and Little Sugar Shop of Horrors range from downright bad to mediocre, but when he hits the mark, he REALLY hits the mark. For example, "A Drop of Moonshine" and its sequel, "A Mug of Hard Cider" are both great one-shot comedies as is "Bureaucracy is Magic."
"Changing Octaves" is a good Slice of Life story, and if you like video game crossovers, you can't go wrong with "Better Living through Science and Ponies" or "Creeping Darkness" (though I'd suggest you actually play the games Portal 2 and Alan Wake respectively before you try and read them).
Ultimately, it's just a shame that Past Sins is the thing that everybody knows him for, because aside from maybe Haunting Nightmare, it's by far his worst story.
828075
I originally read it before he slapped the S2 stuff in. I can understand his reasons for doing it, and can't personally provide a better way to fit them in, but I still feel it could've been done a bit better. When I re-read it, it was actually a small game of mine to see if I could catch the stuff he edited in.
When i first read past sins , i liked it. It had some flaws, but it was overall very enjoyable. It has also endabled me to read the spinoff stories written by realitycheck which are pretty awesome and tops even pen strokes own sequels.
It is also part of what i consider to be "ponyfiction essentials" along with cupcakes, my little dashie, anthropology and sunny skies all day long.
Well, at least I don't have to pretend to hate Past Sins anymore, but that still doesn't mean I'm going to read the story. It's hard to like it or even start to read it when some people try to force it down your throat. To be honest, that's the only reason why I don't like Past Sins. It's not the story or its premise that I don't like, but it's the hardcore fans that keep saying it's good without a legitimate reason (most of the time).
The comment above was irrelevant to the review.
The comment below isn't.
InsertAuthorHere, you know how to make a high quality blog/review.
And I thought I was the only one. Seriously, Past Sins was a huge letdown for me, and I hate feeling that way because I was so excited to read it, and for it to turn out the way it did... I was just seriously disapointed.
I've never read it, but this is probably the most positive review I've ever heard for it...
*sigh* Readers keep telling me they like my OC 'almost as much as Nyx.' Now I don't know how to feel.
828449
media-cache-ec4.pinterest.com/upload/97812623126549020_JuhF9org_b.jpg
I got mine called a mary sue before the story was posted.
I liked it. I haven't read it since it's update for Season 2, but what I read a while back, I enjoyed. It did get a bit over the top at times and it did drag on when Nyx took over, but I walked away feeling satisfied after it was all over.
Oh, and I'm really digging Nyx's Family right now.
Ehh, I enjoyed it. Pretty sure I read version 2 and version 3.
Yeah, it's a fantastic concept, but the execution fell down badly in some places. I generally enjoyed it, but I'm certainly not prepared to declare it the Best Fanfic Ever or anything.
That said, filly Nyx is super-cute.
Stop making me hear that NOISE!
828384
Felt that way about For want of a Dawn
Past Sins holds a special place in my heart for being the first story of that scope I had read for this fandom (though NOT my first MLP fanfic)
I did love it to pieces at the time, but yeah, since then, I have read a great deal that was better. Still, I liked it, and Nyx, well enough that when I saw that story by Reality Check, I was all over that. (It helps that in Nightmare Night and Nyx, she manages to not be a Wesley, which she kind of was in the first portion of Past Sins. The Tug of War scene made me cringe even then.) The Slice of Life portions in the beginning were easily my favorite parts though.
I don't think Past Sins is a great story, but I do find it a rather enjoyable read.
Ill be honest I only read the "Happy Ending" revision, but I did like it. (Btw, how exactly this ending horrifying?)
-Nyx I do think is in need of more character, but I often find myself thinking of the intended character. That and I have a bit of a sofft side for all things cute and vulnerable.
-definiteely needed more Luna (as the show does) and i as much as I would love Celestia willing to murder a possible major threat, it doesn't sound like the motherly sovereign that she is
-it needed more of the Mane 6, and they needed to be written better (By the way that Trixie cameo sucked
-I would like it more is it was at least 3 chapters shorter. Itoo can only stand a characters "brooding" period for so long.
But Past Sins was one of THE first really famous ponyfic I ever read and I enjoyed it regardless. I do admit its not THAT good. Somewhere in the story is a great one, but for what it is I like it just fine. And the fan-sequels and Pen Stroke sequels aren't too bad either.
So there's my 2 cents
I liked Past Sins, but I can definitely agree with most of what you had to say. The middle to end was pretty, I don't think QUITE, boring and the characters were a little all over the place.
sounds like it needed a remake instead of updates , probably would have been more interesting if there was like an fim season 1 past sins and then after season 2 they made a new version taking in to account that season......
828899
Was planning on getting to that one soon, though I can't say I'm as stoked for it as I was for Past Sins, so if doesn't turn out to be as good as I hope, at least I won't be as bummed out.
I got to Past Sins after the first revision and my impression was that the story hit the emotional tone (for me) and I did find it pretty good at the time. Now, thinking back, I do agree that Nyx actually isn't very memorable but I did liked her characterization as a Woobie, which I personally believe this is what most of her fans liked about her. I mean, who wouldn't see her circumstances and just want to give her a hug and tell her everything's going to be fine? ... Well, except those who found her annoying.
What was really more memorable was the circumstance surrounding her. When I read Past Sin and the sequels, it was more "Oh, those bastards are going to do X on her again!
" than "What is Nyx going to do about it?". Well, except for Nightmare or Nyx?, since it was done from Spike's POV instead of Nyx's. I believe this is one of the pitfalls of writing a Woobie character and one Pen Stroke fell into. I mean, there's nothing wrong with attracting emotional investment in a character from the readers (in fact, that is very important) but when this is the only thing going for the character, the character becomes unmemorable and this is pretty much what I remember about Nyx.
Well, at least the unofficial sequels by RealityCheck did flesh his version of Nyx out more and she was more lively (or she could at least stand on her own).
829287
It starts out good, but just crashes and burns towards the end.
I think the worst part was that I could see the crash a long way off, but could do nothing to prevent it.
Overall, I agree, i feel as if id been saying this all along except with...worse vocabulary... more syntax errors... more vulgar wordings... and in general more animosity than objectiveness...
So! anyway. the most I hate about nyx was, of course her personality and...you know what, i just despised everything about nyx!
My reaction to her bitching, and moaning, and crying, and overall trying to shift the blame and pussy out on almost everything as Nightmare Nyx was practically just like the begining of Angry Joe's review for Assassin's Creed 3.
(In case you don't know, it goes. Why No U shutty your face huh? You talkey all the time-eh witha your mouth. You a Shuta up! you shutta up! NO one like'a Desmond. Oh you blamey me, huh? Why No he shutta his face?)
NOw, moving on,i, in genral felt no apathy for her situation, she chose to do what she did, Noone forced her. And before you go and say spell condom did, NO. HE may have egged her into doing it, but she was the one to do the dirty work.
And then that brings us to Filly nyx. I did NOT find her cute, mainly because Penstroke really tried to over do it. He took a concept and it just so happened that half the people that read it went and thre won their beer goggles and fell in love with her. in reality, it was almost like hooked up an IV to my arm that was pumping syrup into my bloodstream, eventually i just got suraged out and lost interest.
And finally, The revisions..... Worst thing i see about the story so far, (besides maybe the first one if you wanted to include Luna).
If youare going to revise a story, you do it BEFORE you publish it. Not after the damn thing is done! what I see is that the story especially to this magnatude, needs to be done when its done. The revisions overall have no worth besides a few sentances or character name changes. Lets say with Star wars7, we all find out that Boba fett is gay. Do you think all the people who wrote books on Boba Fett are going to go back and change the story to acept the new cannon? NO! Its our responsiblility as the reader to understand that the author was working with what resources he had at the time.
Fucking A. I am writing a story that i started before season 3 came around, and i made Cadence the Princess of "Istallia". Do you think im going back to change the tiny details that contain little worth to a +150K story to say "Princess of Istalia and rightul heir to the lost Chrystal empire"? NO! get over it!
and lastly, this is just a little rant i was sitting on ever since i started reading reviews and looked into the coments.
<Rant>Luna fanboys.....GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES! All they ever do is dislike a story if Luna isnt give a spotlight role, and also praised as the wrongfully accused saint who is bieng prescuted by the society as a whole. Open your fucking eyes and stop throwing a massive fit if things dont go your way! just becasue someone doesent bow down to your demands doesent mean the story they are telling is garbage. Shit, you never know, you may actually learn somthing! I know that I used to be a giant Luna fan, but after i realized how cliche and poorly done the fandom was making her, i jumped ship over disgust.</Rant>
Meh, it doesent matter, people arnt going to read this.
829900
Ouch, dude... Ouch.
Princess Celestia herself needed the Elements to banish Nightmare Moon. Maybe the writer took that to mean she pretty seriously outclasses Celestia
831291
where? i had a lot on my mind at the time.
831379
...There's no way I could possibly answer you without coming off as rude. It was a little risky to comment that way in the first place.
If you really want to know, you may ask again, but you might get your jimmies rustled 1,000 times for what I say.
Just a fair warning.
I try to be polite, but I tick people off anyway.
You sure you wanna know?
831420
Im grumpy, opinionated, rude, crass and don't play well with others, women are also not fond of me.
Trust me, im not light skinned. But i warn you, Even though i may use simple vocabulary, I back my opinions with facts, so don't go fanboy on me or else i will be very dissapointed.
831567
It's bittersweet that you acknowledge what I was going to accuse you of.
831597
i know, im a bastard.
But, a wise man said "you can't lie to yourself"
828016 Yeah, the knee jerk cries of Mary Sue are bloody annoying. To me, I find false accusations of Mary Sues more annoying when it's obvious the people accusing the story is doing it mostly because they don't like said character instead sad character actually having characteristics commonly found in MSs.
Quick question, IAH: Are you planning on reviewing Through the eyes of another pony by Cardslafter?
844625
Not sure just yet.
844714 It'd follow in the theme of the last few reviews. i mean both Cupcakes and Past Sins where stories that were grossly blown out of proportion by the fandom and that story is no different. Well a little different in that I haven't seen many if any detractors against it.
Bravo!