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Welcome to the Family

Twelve years ago in Cloudsdale a mother left a small foal alone near the weather factory. He was soon taken in by a mare that ran an adoption center in northern Cloudsdale during the first year the tiny Pegasus never opened his eyes he would fly around only for a little while and then lay down and when his eyes finally opened they showed white irises a sign of blindness but to the mare surprise he could see perfectly if not better than the average Pegasus. Due to his outstanding ability he earned his name Pranceton. After another year Pranceton had been doing what appeared to be aerial stunts and learning to speak.

When he turned five he admitted to a preschool in Ponyville with Mrs. Cheerilee being his teacher during the night time. When he got into elementary school he befriended the cutie mark crusaders because he also lacked a cutie mark. Through all their crazy adventures Pranceton would always come out flying and proud of his new friends for giving it their all. One day at school the crusaders had challenged diamond tiara and silver spoon to a hoof race where Pranceton would do the running because he was the fastest in his class. When the race started Pranceton was being beat by the two fillies and was at a loss for words and sped up to them, he had gained a lot of speed out of nowhere and passed the finish line leaving a cloud of dust behind him. After the cloud cleared his cutie mark had appeared. It was two racing flags crossing each other and it defined him well.

The cutie mark crusaders had finally got their cutie marks and still did their normal hair brained adventures. Eventually Pranceton had to leave his friends and go back to the adoption center to look for his new family. A couple of weeks later a pegasus came to inspect the adoption center he had a red and black mane with a dark blue coat to go with his crimson red eyes. The inspector found Pranceton hiding in room while the other pegasus were outside playing. The stallion gave a quick smile to pranceton and said.

"How would you like to be apart our family?"

Pranceton's eyes glowed with excitement and he could barely speak. The colt nodded his head and ran to the stallion. The stallion called his wife and kids into the building. After a little bit a mare with a ruby red mane and eyes to match walked into the building and cried at the sight of the colt.

"He's so precious!" the mare screamed.

"Mom, What's wrong?" said a navy blue colt.

"Oh, my dear son this is gonna be your new brother."

The colt turned to another and smiled.

"Hi, I'm Thunder Blur what's your name?" said the other colt.

Pranceton muttered his name. Thunder Blur heard it perfectly and introduced his twin brother to Pranceton

The colts bonded instantly as if they were born to be together as a family, as the parents filled out the adoption forms they noticed that Pranceton had the exact same birthdate as their twins did and were remember the twins the day the twins were born and remember a mare crying in the room next to them and the shreiking pain of the cries they heard.

"He can't be blind!"

These words echoed in Ruby's head she picked up the quill and signed the forms and from that day forward Pranceton was part of the "Blur" family.

After seeing his new home Pranceton was in awe because of the size of the house he will soon live in. It turns out that they more than enough room for him and his new brothers. Thunder Blur showed him everything in the house and gave a few ways to prank Lightning Grinder.

Afterwards Pranceton galloped to his new mother and hugged her and told her thank you. This made Ruby Cry a little but it was for joy not because she was sad. Sapphire called his new son down through the hallway for the best view of Equestria anypony could ever see. He told him that the very room they're in was where king of the pegasi ruled over Cloudsdale and the rest of Equestria with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. At that moment Pranceton felt like he was useful to somepony other than the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Ocasionally he would go visit his friends in Ponyville and hang out and introduced his newfound brothers.

When Pranceton turned sixteen he left join the royal guards of Equestria and when he left he gave his brothers a letter it read,

"Dear Blur and Grinder
I left to join the royal guards with Prince Shining Armour, I know I'll be gone for a long time but i will send you letters everytime i learn something, and if i don't write back don't worry it'll get to it later but anyway tell mom and dad i love them and miss them very much. Guys by the way i met a mare who is really into me maybe i'll bring her by while I have a break and you guys stay out of trouble."

Pranceton was happy to hear that his brothers were racing through Canterlot to see him but waws sad to find out that Lightning Grinder had severly injured Princess Celestia and had to be banished immediately. The twist came when he had to carry his brother to the room where Luna would banish him into space away from anypony. After the deed was done he told Thunder Blur that they had to wait six years to see their brother and so began their new mission.

From that point on the two brothers had made it their mission to save their brother.

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ShyHeart

ShyHeart #1 · May 8th, 2013 · 1 · 1 ·

A good improvement over your last story, but the pacing is a little odd, and could use some commas here and there.

Just remember to elaborate things, and you'll be fine!

Normal

Normal #2 · May 9th, 2013 · · ·

The story is a bit fast paced. I feel like that first paragraph even could be a chapter by itself. Same goes for the cutie mark crusader bit, easily another two chapters. That puts you already at three chapters. You can do it! ~Yay
Also the phrase is hard brained.

La Barata

La Barata #3 · May 9th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Alright, let's take a quick look at this.

The plot's decent enough, but it's far, far too short. You're trying to fit so much into such a small space, there's no time for any characterization at all. We don't know anything about these ponies except for you saying 'this is this because I said so'.

To be honest, the entire thing's solid exposition. It just tells us everything, we don't see any of it for ourselves. We don't experience the story because there's nothing to experience.

To fix it, it needs to be longer. Much longer. This is kids' picture book length, but with none of the substance.

Explore the characters, let us see what happens to them, make us care.

Also,

Due to his outstanding ability he earned his name Pranceton.

Uh... How does this make any sense? 1. Did they just not name him until then? 2. He could see well, so they named him Pranceton?

Thunder Blur

Thunder Blur #4 · May 9th, 2013 · · ·

2549566 answers to your questions they decided to name him late because they didn't know if he would live as long as he did. he had the qualities of a prince.

EricKilla