Welcome to the Family

From the day his mother left him, Pranceton has been looking for a family in cloudsdale to call his own and comes across an unlikely option.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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ShyHeart

ShyHeart #1 · May 8th, 2013 · 1 · 1 ·

A good improvement over your last story, but the pacing is a little odd, and could use some commas here and there.

Just remember to elaborate things, and you'll be fine!

Normal

Normal #2 · May 9th, 2013 · · ·

The story is a bit fast paced. I feel like that first paragraph even could be a chapter by itself. Same goes for the cutie mark crusader bit, easily another two chapters. That puts you already at three chapters. You can do it! ~Yay
Also the phrase is hard brained.

La Barata

La Barata #3 · May 9th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Alright, let's take a quick look at this.

The plot's decent enough, but it's far, far too short. You're trying to fit so much into such a small space, there's no time for any characterization at all. We don't know anything about these ponies except for you saying 'this is this because I said so'.

To be honest, the entire thing's solid exposition. It just tells us everything, we don't see any of it for ourselves. We don't experience the story because there's nothing to experience.

To fix it, it needs to be longer. Much longer. This is kids' picture book length, but with none of the substance.

Explore the characters, let us see what happens to them, make us care.

Also,

Due to his outstanding ability he earned his name Pranceton.

Uh... How does this make any sense? 1. Did they just not name him until then? 2. He could see well, so they named him Pranceton?

Thunder Blur

Thunder Blur #4 · May 9th, 2013 · · ·

2549566 answers to your questions they decided to name him late because they didn't know if he would live as long as he did. he had the qualities of a prince.

EricKilla