Your words wound me, Lulu!
Celestia hummed quietly to herself as she walked down one of the many hallways in the castle; although she was technically supposed to be working right now, a little break now and then wouldn't hurt anypony. Best case scenario would be having her study catch on fire while she was away, burning some of those weird proposal Blueblood made while mysteriously keeping the 'good' ones safe. Unfortunately, that probably wasn't going to happen anytime soon, but a mare, especially an alicorn, could dream, right? Besides, she could always dump any leftover work on Luna; some revenge for the brown paper bag incident wouldn't be uncalled for, and Luna was probably playing checkers with one of her advisers anyway.
Along her unguided path around the castle, she met ponies, be they guards, servants, nobility, Blueblood (who had somehow managed to freeze a small portion of the hallway he was in, and was ice skating), and a few tourists. All had looked upon her with awe, and more than a few commented on her mane; if there was one thing that Celestia was vain about, it was her mane. She stopped right in front of Luna's room; the guards shifted a bit uncomfortably, but otherwise ignored the solar princess standing just outside the lunar princess' room.
Now, the general story behind the mane that many ponies believed was that Celestia's mane had changed color after using the Elements of Harmony, causing her formerly pink mane to turn into the vibrant, flowing thing it was today. Some ponies argued that she could change her hair color at a whim, and merely prefered the many hues of the rainbow than her former pink. Interestingly enough, it was a combination of the two that leads to her current mane color of rainbow.
Her little flashback was interrupted by Luna's door opening up, and she watched as Luna came outside of her quarters with a yawn, which was quickly stifled when she saw her sister just outside the door.
"Hello, Tia." Celestia smiled at her sister, and stepped forward to nuzzle her affectionately.
"Hello, Lulu. Sleep well?"
Luna backed away from the nuzzling, and nodded, a tired smile reaching at her lips. "I'm a bit tired, sister, but I feel fine other than that."
"I'm glad to hear it, Lulu; I'm sorry, I stopped here unconsciously, I suppose, while having a bit of a flashback."
"Oh? Do tell?" Flashbacks were slightly related to dreams and nightmares, which was Luna's domain, and she could make sense of it if her sister had problems with it. " You have me interested now; is it bothersome, and what is it about, Tia?" Celestia waved a hoof carelessly, with a slight smile on her face as she casually dismissed her sister.
"I'm fine, Lulu, and my flashback was related to my mane."
"Your mane, huh..." Luna took a sidelong look at Celestia's mane, and nodded slowly; she could understand having flashbacks to something horrible; heck, she still had flashbacks to the things she did as Nightmare Moon, such as eating apples...How could she do such a thing?! It only made sense that having a mane such as that would cause reoccurring flashbacks.
"I'm sorry that you have such horrible flashbacks, then, Tia."
"...Excuse me? Horrible flashbacks of what, exactly?"
"...Your mane? The thing that looks like Discord barfed rainbows on, and then smeared around to create that thing you dare call a mane? I can understand why you'd have flashbacks about that, Tia. I know I would." Celestia did not take kindly to what Luna thought was the reason of her flashbacks, and began to retort.
"T-That's rude, Lulu! I don't say that your mane looks like...Like..." Celestia fumbled around for words frantically, trying to give a retort about Luna's mane that was worse than 'rainbow barf'. Both princesses stood there for about three minutes when Luna sighed; sometimes, Celestia could take forever to think about something, never mind actually doing anything.
"...You can't think of anything, can you, sister?"
It took a fair while before Celestia finally sighed, and hung her head in defeat. "...No."
"You always were terrible at making comebacks; anyway, sister; what is the story behind your mane? I think I liked it pink better than that...Thing; you honestly like that?"
"Yes, I do, and, well, you see, Lulu, in the 'battle' against you...Nightmare Moon," (Celestia had not dared lift her hooves to strike back at her sister, and instead, merely defended herself while she retreated to the Elements of Harmony, so it wasn't technically a 'battle') "I was so tired from defending myself and from using the raw power of the Elements that no less than five minutes after I banished you...Nightmare Moon to the moon, I collapsed and fell asleep; unfortunately, or fortunately, in my case, I had fallen asleep on a patch of poison joke, the dreaded flower that many a pony takes great pains to avoid.
"For some reason, instead of cursing me with some kind of sick, twisted joke, the only effect it had on me was to dye my mane in multiple colors; I can tell you, when I woke up and saw my reflection on an nearby piece of shattered glass, I was amazed and I wondered why my mane was suddenly such a vibrant hue of colors, when I was then suddenly rushed by a crowd of ponies cheering my name, admiring my new mane, and running through the very patch of poison joke I had slept on as I tried to make sense of all that was going on, in vain. I tell you, Lulu, it was a very confusing morning, which only turned into sadness as I realized that you'd be gone for a...Very long time.
"The morning after that was pretty funny, considering the day before it, and I still remember it very clearly today; when my mane was back to its normal pink and all the ponies that had praised me yesterday had hilarious curses placed on them, it didn't take long for me to put two and two together. Now, instead of rolling around in a patch of poison joke, however, I have it specially processed into a shampoo, which I now lather into my mane with everyday in the shower. That, Lulu, is the story of my mane."
A skeptical Luna mulled over Celestia's words for awhile before flatly frowning at her.
"...This is a joke, right? A really, really bad joke? Has Discord been teaching you how to make really long and bad jokes that have a punchline weaker than your stomach when it comes to cake?"
"...Discord has nothing to do with this, or me, my stomach is not that weak when it comes to cake, and why would I be joking about this, Lulu?"
Luna rolled her eyes; she couldn't honestly take her sister's story seriously. "That story seems really, really dumb, no offense..." Celestia winced, and looked away from her sister.
"Wow, that makes me feel so, so much better, Lulu."
"Hey, you're the one that told me the dumb story."
Celestia made a melodramatic sigh, and fell over on a conveniently placed sofa, scoring more dramatic points than Rarity ever could. "Your words wound me, Lulu! The only way to ease this pain you have caused me is a nice, moist, mouth watering slice of cake!"
She decided to humor her sister; after all, she needed her breakfast anyway. "Sure, let's go to the kitchens, sister." The sofa disappeared, and Celestia got back up on her hooves.
The two sisters then walked off towards the royal kitchens, ready to ravage whatever they could find to fill the empty void in their stomachs, much to the chefs' near horror.
Oh gosh, poison joke shampoo? I need some of that!!
You are a very silly pony. Or, as Luna might say, THOU HAST AMUSED US!
(Inside voice, Luna, remember? We talked about this.)
("WHAT DOES THOU MEAN? THIS IS OUR INSIDE VOICE!")
(*sigh* Never mind... )
Aaaaanyway, at the risk of channeling my inner Miss Cheerilee again...
I can't help noticing you do this a lot, so... tip of the day when it comes to parenthetical statements. Don't capitalize the first word in a parenthetical statement when it's enclosed within a larger sentence. A parenthetical statement enclosed within a sentence is considered a part of that sentence, so the normal rules still apply; the only time you capitalize the first word after the ( is if that word is a name, or the pronoun "I", and so on. In other words:
Along her unguided path around the castle, she met ponies, be they guards, servants, nobility, Blueblood (who had somehow managed to freeze a small portion of the hallway he was in, and was ice skating), and a few tourists.
Now, if the parenthetical statement is outside of another sentence, and complete unto itself, then you capitalize:
Along her unguided path around the castle, she met ponies: guards, servants, nobility, and a few tourists. (And Blueblood, who had somehow managed to freeze a small portion of the hallway he was in, and was ice skating.)
Also:
Needs to be:
"Yes, I do, and, well, you see, Lulu, in the 'battle' against you...Nightmare Moon," (Celestia had not dared lift her hooves to strike back at her sister, and instead, merely defended herself while she retreated to the Elements of Harmony, so it wasn't technically a 'battle') "I was so tired from defending myself
i.e. put the parenthetical statement outside of the quote marks. Otherwise it reads like "Celestia had not dared to lift her hooves", etc. is being spoken aloud by Celestia as part of her dialogue, rather than being an author's parenthetical aside to the audience. (Unless Celestia has somehow acquired Trixie's strange habit of referring to herself in third person, anyway! )
(The Great and Powerful Trixie does not know what you mean! Trixie speaks perfectly normally!)
(Ugh... never mind. Again. )
Second tip:
Match actions to the person speaking (or about to speak); when a character stops speaking and the attention shifts to the other character, make a new line. Like this:
"...Discord has nothing to do with this, or me, my stomach is not that weak when it comes to cake, and why would I be joking about this, Lulu?"
Luna rolled her eyes; she couldn't honestly take her sister's story seriously. "That story seems really, really dumb, no offense..."
Celestia winced, and looked away from her sister. "Wow, that makes me feel so, so much better, Lulu."
"Hey, you're the one that told me the dumb story."
Celestia made a melodramatic sigh, and fell over on a conveniently placed sofa, scoring more dramatic points than Rarity ever could. "Your words wound me, Lulu! The only way to ease this pain you have caused me is a nice, moist, mouth watering slice of cake!"
"Sure, let's go to the kitchens, sister."
The sofa disappeared, and Celestia got back up on her hooves.
Think of it like switching camera shots in a TV show. Character 'A' speaks, so the camera is on them -- but when they stop speaking, we cut away to Character 'B' to see their reaction and hear their response. Putting B's reaction right after A's line of dialogue keeps the reader's mental "camera" on A, and makes it unclear who is speaking and who is reacting.
And that concludes today's lesson. Class dismissed. Except for you, Scootaloo, you get to stay and write "I will not shoot Diamond Tiara in the flanks with a paintball gun" one hundred times. (Aw, nuts!)
2605534
Again, I must thank you for correcting my mistakes after Tia and Luna bashed me over the head with a stop sign, saying that I should be more careful about my writing! Things have been edited around now. English is not my first language, so it is hard to grasp at the rules of writing here (I have no proofreader to scream at me to fix this, fix that, fix everything).
Also, it's quite a coincidence, your comment, I mean, because it's actually hinting a bit at the next chapter. (Hi Trixie!)
2606316
Ahh, fair enough then, I didn't realize you weren't a native English speaker... especially since you speak (or write) it better than quite a few people I know who do (supposedly!) have English as their first language! You certainly manage to avoid most of the major screwups I see people doing these days, like confusing "lose" with "loose" , "it's" with "its" , and using apostrophe-S to pluralize words.
("I mean, come on! Cows refers to more than one cow; cow's refers to something belonging to the cow, and cows' means it belongs to more than one cow. What's so hard about that? )
(Um, Twilight, you're kinda going "Lesson Zero" on us again. Do the breathing trick, remember? If you wouldn't mind, that is... )
(Oh. Right. Sorry. )
English can be a strange language sometimes. We have rules, and then we have exceptions to the rules, and then we have exceptions to the exceptions...
2606460
Yes, English does have a lot of rules in its writing, though I've learned the best I can from my English professor! Hopefully I'll be able to spot the more easily made mistake quicker, and then maybe, just maybe, Celestia will stop stealing my cake when I'm not looking.
Speaking English is an entirely different thing altogether for me, heh.
2607757
(Never!! It's cake! Glorious cake! And it's mine, I tell you! All mine! Mine mine mine mine mine!!)
(Didsomeonementioncake? Whatkindofcake? Isitasuperduperspecialmarzipanmarscaponemadnesscake? WithfrostingandsprinklesandthoselittleroundsilverthingsthatIdon'tknowwhatthey'recalledbutthey'resweetandrunchyandreallyneatolooking? Oooharewegonnahaveapartywithcakeandicecreamandstreamersandplaypinthetailontheponyand...)
(The Great and Powerful Trixie... thinks that she should slowly back away now...)
(Argh. Spike, go get the tranquilizer darts, Pinkie's off her medication again.)
(Um, okay, but what about the Princess?)
(Twilight glances over to where Princess Celestia is cradling an entire pineapple upside-down cake in her hooves, crooning "my precious... my precious...", and sighs.)
(They aren't paying me enough for this.)
*AHEM*. Yes, well, anyway. Technical nits aside, the stories themselves are hilarious, and I've been enjoying the heck out of them. If you'd like to have a proofreader to look these over before posting, we might be able to work out something; these are short enough that I could probably go through one over breakfast...
(Breakfast? Whatkindofbreakfast? Donuts? Muffins? OooIhopeit'smuffinsIreallyreallylovemuffins'causethey'resosweetandnummyandOWIEthat...really...hurt...)
(Pinkie's eyes glaze over and she falls over on her side, stunned. Behind her is Spike, with a blow-dart gun.)
(Bulls-eye, got her right in the cutie mark. Just call me "Sharpshooter Spike.")
Everything finally makes sense
The idea of Blueblood spending his free time randomly skating in the castle makes me chortle.
Cya
Raziel-chan