When 15-year-old teenager Zeke McCabe dies from malaria, he thinks that his life is over.
If he only knew.
A new threat has come to Equestria, and when the unthinkable happens, Zeke has to step up and face the challenge.
"But this isn't the story of how I died.
This is the story of how I saved the world."
A/N: This is my first fic and story. So, PLEASE, don't freak out if I have made a comma error. Our any error for that matter. Enjoy! Rated Teen for some language.
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I got out of bed, put on some clothes, and walked out of the room. Then, I fell over and died.
Well that escalated quickly.
2448536 couldn't have said it any better
You know that there is a cure for malaria right?
Nicely done! I want Moar chapters!
NO. Celestia is running out of space for burying their corpses.
He is correct, as a matter of fact. People die when they are killed.
Dear god, not again.
Another one. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE. GUARDS!!! GUAAAAAAARDS!!!
A dollar for every time I've heard this excuse.
Well. Congratulations, you just wrote one of those fics. Now, delete this stuff, sit down, and read some decent fics (you can find those in my favs). See how people write, try to do the same.
Kthnxbye.
As other said, most of the downvotes you are getting is because... well, things are escalating too quick.
Also you really aren't the first one to write a "I die, then I wake at Equestria" story. There is no problem in redoing an idea, as long as you add a twist to it. Sadly your introduction is too cliche to cause interest on the reader.
May I give you a suggestion? I never suggest people to delete their works, so please consider rewriting your introduction. Try to avoid the cliches that most of our community hates.
GENERIC HIE ALERT *VWOOP VWOOP VWOOP*
I haven't done these in a while, so bear with me.
Prologue:
It wasn't supposed to be what way?
3.bp.blogspot.com/-EgdzWC23fQE/UP77Mz3APBI/AAAAAAAAEQk/KdG2TmoxZHE/s1600/50_shades_of_grey_fifty_gray*280.JPG
I know them feels.
Because horny-ass bitches, that's why.
Boy, this sounds like something someone would say when they're dying or are dead. But I have no idea where the hell your character even is. Is he lying in the street? Is he in the afterlife? I can't discern this from just his random thoughts. As a writer, you need to establish a setting for the character to live in and interact with. Without it, no one can understand your fic.
Still nothing. Not a very good sign when you're not even fifty words in a story and you're already confused.
And we're already getting into the plot. I know nothing of your character nor the fucking world around him, and you're already starting the plot.
So, he is in the afterlife? Or is his vision fading into this? But enough with stupid shit like setting...
1. You CLEARLY don't know the work and style of Pablo Picasso.
2. Hey, your character may be dead, but at least he can still crack a joke! Hurdy hurr hurr!
si0.twimg.com/profile_images/815093330/633492346461806528-no-one-cares.jpg
No. You do NOT introduce a character like this. When you just break narration and directly talk to the audience like you are, you throw the readers out of your story, as in Comedian-from-Watchmen thrown out of the story.
morethings.com/fan/watchmen/comedian-edward-blake-watchmen-125.jpg
Seriously, when you expose a character like this, you're basically shouting out, "Hey, I have no creativity or concept of story flow!"
WOW! You survived a very treatable and curable disease.
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Well, gosh and golly gee! That sure would have been nice to know at the beginning of the goddamned story!
I know so little that's worthwhile about your character that I can't be bothered to give a shit.
fc04.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/270/b/8/Mary_Sue_alert_by_Stultuscaudex.jpg
There's nothing to be enjoyed from this...
Oh, Jesus, dude, that's rough...
Trust me, I plan to.
Sorry, sonny. This isn't a land of asskissers and brown-nosers. If you want to write on this site, then expect fair and constructive criticism. If the criticism is less than positive, then just remember, "If at first you don't succeed..."
I wouldn't care either way.
Chapter 1:
Or read this story. The experience is pretty much the same.
After JAMMING the SHIFT key OVER and OVER again, I decided that this was an acceptable writing technique.
Well, what kind of field? Football field? A hilly field? Descriptions. Use them!
This is such a problem! Now let me talk about how this is totally not a problem.
Or perhaps you should not think like a psychotic shithead.
*weren't*
Gee, that sure sounds like a lifeform.
memecreator.eu/media/created/1yiojf.jpg
And how, pray tell, did you know the genders of both animals? I could probably see a horse snatch from a safe distance, but a rabbit dick? You'd have to shove your eyeball into his crotch to be able to tell something like that.
That's totally not vague!
How the hell do you connect this...
pumpups.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/vfitness-boxing-classes-nyc.jpg
with this?
internationalangelday.com/Welcome_files/Angel%20with%20world.png
Just stop. You're not clever.
[img]Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzvjey0zo41qgxqujo1_500.gif[/img]
Bland, unoriginal villain with cliche motives and no description under the thin guise of being mysterious?
4.bp.blogspot.com/-LZ5uGxwQXhM/UOpVUV_bYFI/AAAAAAAAIog/QrQSu14SG08/s1600/skyfallvillain.jpg
Move over, Silva. This guy's got you beat!
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/5/51/Rarity_%26_Rainbow_Dash_can%27t_believe_S2E25.png
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Did... Twilight... the level headed and rational pony of the Mane 6... just ask a stranger, that's an alien from another world, mind you... if he was a pedophile? Pedophilia is just a thing in Equestria? She just asks ponies this because they scare Fluttershy, one of the most excitable animated characters ever?
Um...
Okay, I'd expect this shit from Pinkie Pie, but Twilight (whom I do agree would be excited about the prospect of an alien creature), would not act like this, especially ask ponies if they were
MOTHERFUCKING PEDOPHILES!!
Including the ones that make me not ask alien strangers if they are
MOTHERFUCKING PEDOPHILES!!
That was intense.
Yeah, how dare they be quizzical about an alien creature appearing on their world?
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a4/BernardMadoff.jpg/220px-BernardMadoff.jpg
I know this guy's name. Should I trust him too?
And I'm cool with that... for some reason.
Such original villains! Such interesting dialogue! And I know so little about them! That must mean they're really mysterious, huh? Gee whillikers, this is such good characterization!
I guess not. I mean, where can you really go after Twilight calls a stranger a
MOTHERFUCKING PEDOPHILE!!
Well, me pointing out the glaring flaws in your story to help you become a better writer certainly sounds like something good to say, but I'm guessing that's not the good you're looking for. You're probably referring to good as "any comment that sings high praises to me even when I don't deserve them."
Sorry, but I, along with every rational human being, don't play by those rules. If you want to have your ass kissed with no negative criticism involved, then print this story out and hang it on your fridge, because that's the only way that you're going to escape "bad" comments. Until then, take the criticism. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear.
#1stAmendment
2450434
Oh don't worry.
There will be twists.
2459977
Hmm... I see.
Give me a shout when you make them. And please consider rewriting your introduction and adding more details to your chapters.
Lol, downvoting my criticism isn't going to make your story any better.
PonyBrony,
You sir are in need of an editor and possibly a sounding board for ideas. Personally I'm not a big fan of HiE stories, but you read my fic when I started it, so i thought I'd return the favor.
Please don't take this the wrong way, as doing any kind of creative writing and putting it out for the world to see takes courage, but you need to do some reworking. What you have here is a basic outline of a story.
When I write, I try to listen to music that fits the tone of the chapter. I also sketch out some scenes to get myself in the mood to write.
My two cents of advice are to make a framework to build on. Make yourself some index cards with the important events of the story, character back-stories, and anything else you may find useful written on them. Be more descriptive (How did it feel? Make us feel like we are there). Put yourself in your character's shoes. Make sure you do research on anything you decide to include in your story. If you feel stuck, go read. There are some great authors on this site for you to get an idea about story construction.
Finally, don't give up. As you practice you'll get better. Writing can be fun! Don't write for anyone but yourself.
To get you started:
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/41596/past-sins
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5170/project-sunflower
Sirs, detractors, and trolls.
There is a difference between criticism, constructive criticism, and making fun of someone's first attempt at writing to make yourself feel superior.
That's all I really have to say about that. I assume if you self important "critics" read this you'll now go down-vote my story into oblivion. This is the anonymous internet after all. Fact is, my fic isn't bad. However, I'd never put it anywhere near the quality of some of the ones in my top 5.
Fact is, I really don't care, and neither should you PonyBrony.
2483743
I give respect to thee.
2461076 it's already better than most of the shit you write
2454729
2483743
Ok, PonyBrony. I really want to give some constructive criticism, but I'm too damned tired and I need some sleep, so I'll wait to actually speak intelligibly on your story.
However, there is something disturbing I noticed outside of your story. You said you don't want any bad comments pointing out flaws in your story, particularly because it is your first story. My feelings can be summed up as thus:
This attitude is literally the worst possible attitude to have as a writer. Forgive me if this turns harsh, but I have to make this clear now. If you take this attitude, you should drop your pen and walk away now, because if you completely tune out everything, you will never become a better writer. The only way to grow as a writer is to get advice/feedback and then apply it in further practice. You only want to hear people declare your work good, even if you have to shut everything else away, and that is the height of narcissism and delusion to only want to see yourself in a good light and remain blind to your faults.
As writers- as human beings in anything we do- we have two choices to our path: The easy way and the right way.
You are choosing the easy way, the path of least resistance. You don't want to work any harder on improving your story or skills and you want sycophantic, spineless sheep to praise you as the next Hemingway because you can (barely) write a grammatically correct sentence. But the subtle truth, the truth everyone who chooses the easy path tries to run from, is that because they choose the easy way- to lay down and surrender- they will never be great.
The other path is the right path. I won't sugarcoat it. The right path is filled with pain and work, and not all of it always pays off. Many times your work will be spat on and unfairly judged. But in the end, working to constantly improve based on the feedback you receive will not only make you a better writer, but a better man. Those who are great choose the right path. They choose to get up and keep on fighting and working hard to better themselves.
I can understand having attachment to what you write. If you went on my story right now and tore the hell out of it- which you or anyone reading this is free to do in the name of fairness- it would hurt a little to know someone didn't like it. The difference is that I'll rub some dirt on it, walk it off, and really try to fix what they pointed out. I understand there is a line to be drawn with trusting your own creativity over others, but saying, "Don't point out anything bad," says that you have utterly given up on being a better writer, and frankly, it infuriates me to think someone would give up before they even started; having a bad story is something I can easily forgive, especially if you work to make it better, but taking this defeatist attitude is beyond my capacity for pity or remorse.
Ok. I should stop ranting and get off my soap box now. I still plan on reviewing your story, but I already don't expect much from a story that even the creator doesn't have enough faith in to stand behind.
3669886
3670024 i lol'd at your attempt at lol-ing
3676597 And I lol'ed at your attempt of NOT sounding like a retarded fucking faggot.
3676601 clearly you're the type of person wh wasn't loved as a child, poor you
3679704 Nah, I was plenty loved as a child. If I wasn't, I would have become a fucking faggot just like you.