A year after Granny Smith dies, Big Mac dies in an accident on the farm. Torn by his death, Applejack decided to visit the special cherry tree they planted together. At the cherry tree, she thinks about all the good times they had, but the incident may have affected her mental health...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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THIS IS A TROLL FIC
You are trying too hard to make it a feels story. It's about caring about the characters first, and then applying the feels.
I'm not a grammar guy, so I'll let the others do that.
"Oh Big Mac, why did you have to leave so soon?.."
Why in the world would they say this before he actually dies?
"Big Mac, please don't die...."
Would be much more appropriate
"All his friends were there..."
Don't list out all his friends on a short chapter. It's padding, and it bores the readers.
"It was such an emotional day that to go into detail what happened there would be the most depressing thing ever read. So I'll spare you the details, however...."
This is your job as a writer. I never, ever want to see this. You should always want to clarify things for the reader. The 'I'll spare you the details' implies a author's perspective when you write this. Don't change perspectives like this. It makes no sense.
"Not just any cherry tree, but a very special cherry tree that she and Big Mac had planted together when she was just a toddler, and he had just got his cutie mark."
Why would Big Mac get an apple cutie mark for planting a cherry tree? If the cherry tree is symbolic for something,, drop the whole cutie mark angle (which may be the reason why you chose that over an apple tree).
"As it fell to the ground cherry syrup spilled out of it like blood. (You did know Equestrian cherry trees were filled with cherry syrup, right?)"
The last line would make sense if this was a joke. It's a cheeky one-liner. For this scene where AJ is affected by Big Mac's loss, why would you do this? It's call mood whiplash. It kills readers like you and me.
"Applejack picked up the ax, and before Apple Bloom had a chance to speak, Applejack chopped off her own left arm."
Whoa. Way too far. You go all sentimental and stuff, and then you have APPLEJACK CHOP OF HER ARM. That is too dark of a tone. You were aiming for a sad tone. Chopping off an arm jumps it over to a dark tone.
"Applejack swung the ax at her sister until it knocked her out."
Stop. Please stop.
"Isn't this exciting?" said Pinkie Pie, "You get a really cute new nickname! Torsogirl!"
What.
"And that's how it happened. Apple Bloom's life sucked, but what are you going to do? Especially when I, Discord am narrating.
The End."
If this is not a troll fic:
Make me like the characters first before applying the feels, and don't change the mood every five seconds. Figure out what you want to do with the story, and go full steam at that.
If this is a troll fic:
You good sir, have pulled a ruse on me. I applaud you on trolling me good sir, and I bid you adieu.
I'm putting this as a comment because I don't know how to add author's notes. This fic is a dream I had last night, that's why it's really weird. In the dream it was a bedtime story Discord was reading me. I kept everything the way it happened in the dream because it felt like something Discord would tell.
It seemed decent In the beginning but you got lazy and just rushed the end
2340741
There's this box below the typing interface. You can't format anything in there, but that's where it goes. It's labeled "Author's notes."
2340741 If you are in your story in edit mode, you should be able to scroll to the bottom of it and type in the Author's Note box.
2340741
No. Do not, I repeat, do not ever turn a dream into a story. I've seen it done a few times on this site and none of them were well received. As a rule of thumb, the dream part of your brain ain't worth shit for making a likable story.
A few things I must point out... Firstly, I completely agree with freebeer. The events are rushed, in no specific order, and make no real sense.
Secondly, I disagree with freebeer on one part and one part only: turning dreams into stories. If you just write the story exactly how the dream was, it'll turn out not so good, kind of like this one. But, if you delve deeper into things, adding more that wasn't part of your dreams, originality and expansion of the story, it can turn out as good as any story.
Thirdly, since there is only one chapter and the story status is "Complete", I do not support the fact you titled the only chapter "Chapter One". You should title it the same as the actual story title. It makes more sense that way.
Fourthly, you should try to explain the events more. Like when Applejack chopped down the cherry tree. Why did she do it? Out of pain, sadness, what??
Lastly, I noticed an excessive amount of typos and grammar issues. I highly recommend you find yourself some proofreaders and possibly editors.
This is pretty good for your first fanfic, I guess. Better than most people's. For that I'll applaud you.
COMEDY?! REALLY?! WHEN SOMPONY DIES YOU THINK THAT'S A COMEDY?!@?@?@?@?@?@?@?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
YOU LITTLE... I'M NOT GONNA FINISH THAT SENTENCE!
*Takes deep breath so I can start pointing stuff out* *Reads comments* I agree with everyone. This is an, what?, okay first fic, but seriously, now that you have read the comments, better luck next time.
A bit too dark if you ask me. A cutie mark with a limbless pony?
Well, I think I speak for Dusty when I write so...
1. My sweet Applejack wouldn't do that! She loves her family too much to even think about harming them like she did in the story.
2. How dare you even think of hurting Apple Bloom the way you did! Dusty would disembowel you just so he can pour a pint of Changeling goo into your stomach and watch your dire pain of being infected.
3. Applejack respects her brother too much to chop down something that meant so much to the both of them...
HOW DARE YOU!
I will have your head on a silver platter sent to Queen Chrysalis with a note that says 'Don't make the same mistake'.
2376105
global3.memecdn.com/calm-your-tits_o_1131354.jpg
2376143
He's worse than VANCE!
2376157
*than
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110911202811/meme/images/8/80/The_grammar_nazi_party_141265.png
HEIL!
Well the ending made me laugh. Is that normal
just gotta breath
Okay, okay I admit it! It wasn't a dream. My dreams never have that much structure. Especially when they are nearly that long. It was just an idea that came to me one morning. And I just had to write it. Even though the first part sounds like a genuine sad fict, this was meant as comedy. I don't care if it makes me a freak, but I have an extremely dark and twisted sense of humor. To me this fict is beyond comedy gold. And even more so is Salad Fingers. I can't help it. I'm not a bad person. I just have an ultra dark and twist sense of humor. I'm sorry.