Sunset Shimmer was suppose to be the next Alicorn.
Now she's mad at Celestia, Twilight, and at herself for letting this happen. The only way to reverse this is to make Twilight give up her wings, and she has a plan that will rock their worlds for a long time.
-First fic. Criticism is welcomed.
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Wow, so far this is pretty good. I like where you're going, but you may want to proofread-I found a few spelling and punctuation errors. Also, try to be consistent with your italics.
Other than that, I LIKE THIS CHAPTER. ANOTHER!
Interesting- MOAR!!
Okay, if you want some criticism...
1) Get a proofreader. Just have someone who knows English skim over your new chapters and point out very common, careless mistakes with spelling, grammar, and usage.
2) Write longer chapters. It's a bit jarring having only a few hundred words to each chapter. Flesh them out a bit and slow your pacing down. Things are flying by way too quickly. In the prologue, for example, things go from situation normal to Sunset Shimmer staging a coup and then back to normal again in just a few paragraphs. You could even just combine your three prologue chapters--I've never actually seen a prologue split up in the first place.
3) Stick as close to canon as possible. I'd recommend you give this an Alternate Universe tag anyways, but in any case we've never seen walkie talkies in canon. Try and eliminate any references to modern technology the likes of which would be unlikely to be found in Equestria.
Which brings me to 4) SLOW DOWN. All three shortcomings I mentioned previously are almost certainly related to the fact that you've been belting out one or two chapters an hour. Take your time and polish your work before you rush out there with it. It'll be of much higher caliber.
Is there anyway I combine chapters? Anyone who can help thank you.
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2321476
Basically, you just copy the content, save the expanded chapter, and trash the old one. This might require some editing on your part, but it'll be worth it. Also, try to be a bit more romantic in detail. Instead of "she pinched her neck and it worked," you could say something more like "she followed the technique as she remembered it, and immediately she saw that the shy pegasus wouldn't trouble her for at least a few more hours"
Mine isn't perfect, but it extends the chapter in a way that feels nice. When you use details like this, you can surprise yourself with how much you can write. (One time I hit 2000 words. Crazy stuff!)
The idea you've got here is very interesting. Another powerful unicorn before Twilight who would have become a princess if it weren't for her corruptness. That's pretty believable and you've got an awesome plot. Like, the story kind, of course!
Okay, now I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm a new writer like you, and I know I would a) welcome any constructive criticism and b) not want to read any meanie comments that bash my story w/o reasons.
So constructive criticism, here goes:
1. You've got issues with grammar - often confusing your and you're, missing punctuation, confusing to and too
2. Don't switch tenses! Unless you've got a TARDIS, you shouldn't be travelling between past, present, and future.
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS3QHhW1INnwIk9OwComi7NC5MZ2y49s0AnGaE_uzjeIeAVtlcw9A
Should be:
Although, imho, it'd be better to rewrite the sentence like so:
3. A comma should always follow a direct address:
Should be:
4. Sunset Shimmer seems a little "Mary-Sueish" to me.
I'm totally fine with her being Celestia's apprentice prior to Twilight. That's a pretty reasonable assumption. Then there was the lightning that hit Celestia, the spell-stealing, and her pretty much completely over taking Equestria in ten seconds flat. I do like the idea of her shape-shifting, but even that seems a little overpowered.
BUT.
Don't you stop writing. Ever.
EVER.
If writing is what you love, keep on doing it. I'm just suggesting that you get an editor (if you like, I'd be happy to do it for you!
) to look your chapters over.
Seriously though, this was fun to read and I hope you'll update soon.
Woah, this comment is wayyy longer than I ever meant for it to be.
Anyways, happy writing and best of luck to ya, fellow author!
/)
I eagerly await the next half. As always, I'm open most times of the day for you to shoot me a message for proofreading. Still a great fic!
Hey guys.
I want to clear one thing up. Sunset Shimmer is not my creation. She is the upcoming toy,
media.tumblr.com/02ca635fa00c9d55e761ccf330413aac/tumblr_inline_miw7yvtloV1qz4rgp.jpg and says on the back of the box She is one of Celestia's former students.
Honestly, I think the water predicament was too easy. Perhaps pinkie could have woken fluttershy and there was a short struggle to catch water in their mouths? Eh I dunno. Anyways I still love the story :3
25.media.tumblr.com/a3dbaf106fb819abfae71cb7195ce4d6/tumblr_mk8301XMip1rhgl8co1_400.png
Saw this. Pretty cool, yes? :3
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/082/f/1/sunset_shimmer_by_sprinklespegasister-d5yyl2t.png
Well what have we here?
2345295
Yea, I'm basing her off the upcoming toy that is coming out later this year. Look up Sunset Shimmer toy, and it will pop up. Thanks for the support by the way!
2345314
I did haha, and I'm totally fangirling about it :3 and no problem! I really like this story.
Wow, 200 views. Thanks guys!
/)
Hey,
I just rewrote her whole backstory, plus the prologue, and added them into one big prologue. Sorry if it messes anypony up.
/)
2355013
Time to reread!
2321140
I WAS going to say the same, except she already said it,
BTW, I haven't seen you in a while since the great flame war of The Element of Time. How are you doing on this fine April Fools?
2358333
I am doing fine. Thank you for asking. How about you fellow brony?
2358429
I wasn't taking to you. Sorry.
I was talking to TheTwelthDoctor.
Finally finished up the whole story.
You're doing pretty well on this! The concept and storyline are great so far. You just have a lot of spelling errors, mostly. Keep going with this, I wanna read the next chapter!
2412401
Oh, I already have a whole new chapter put together this week! Sorry, I've had a lot of work, and have not had time.
I will go back and fix the errors. Thanks for telling me!
/)
2412660
Sure, no problem! Can't wait to read the next chapter!
SUNSET SHIMMER IS IN THE MLP MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!derpibooru.org/323445?scope=scpe0af7d57400753e7db58b00e5d8b57ab821b34ae2
Good story, but Ah think you're rushin' it way to much. You should take it nice 'n slow in a story, or else it's gon' be rather borin'. Also, might wanna fix some o' your spelling errors.
Hey guys!
I'm so sorry about not posting any new chapters. I've been swamped with work, but expect a whole lot of new material this summer. I have so many good ideas, and currently writing a short animation video.
New chapter should be posted in a couple of day.
/)