Rainbow Dash's past blah blah and a bit of the future,blah blah blah after the whole series blah life goes on as normal
art done by general zois pony creator
Chapters (2)
MRSDRAGONFIRE911
Joined 22nd Jul, 2012 ·
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I'm giving this a thumbs up because I'm curious to see where this goes. BUT you need to work on that word count! You have to work on building up on that dialogue and that detail! The grammar isn't bad but a few of the paragraphs could have used spaces and the two chapters could have worked better as one whole chapter.
You spelt 'Pegasi' wrong.
2298848 oh yeah...... is it pegasai? i was confused there...........
2298527 i know of this........im working on it, the size doesn't matter though because im trying to update every 2 days, though im not accomplishing that right now but im probs gonna update today and maybe tomorrow to make up for it....
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
I've said it a million times: don't go cheap on word count. Aim for a twelve hundred minimum or prepare to see insta-downvotes.
Now, onto the description...
This sounds so much like a trollfic that I almost didn't do the review, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt as it is mostly since this is so short and it won't waste too much of my time if this is a trollfic. This far more than the previous issue will also earn insta-downvotes. Good writing requires patience, if you aren't willing to put in the time to come up with a legitimate description for your story, then people probably aren't going to put in the time to actually see if you are or aren't a trollfic writer (in the case that you are a trollfic writer, feel free to ignore this review entirely).
Continuing with the description...and cover art...
People really, and I mean REALLY hate writers who use Ponycreator images as their cover art. I've personally got no qualms with it, but it does scream something unoriginal and somewhat lazy. If you're going to have cover art (and you should), then there's a group for that on this site.
Now, onto the actual story.
Thank you, Captain Obvious, but this stuff isn't needed at all. We aren't so stupid that we forget the story's title the second we start the first chapter and we can see that you're the author on the front page. Get rid of this.
As a rule of thumb, always start a new paragraph when there's a new speaker. It looks nicer and is more professional.
How long does it take to write out the word: three? Answer: not long at all. Solution: don't just flop the number: 3 onto the page, take the nanosecond that it takes to write out the word: three. Like before, it's more professional and it looks nicer to read.
Instead of being boring here, try showing us that daddy Dash is drunk and upset. Try suing something like the smell of his breath or maybe the fact that there's an empty bottle of booze nearby. Either way, it's more interesting when we're shown something instead of being told it. Oh, and remember to give each new speaker their own new paragraph.
Cloudsdale is one word.
Now, onto the next chapter...
One: new speaker, new paragraph. Two: I don't think that that's how the system works. The mare in charge wouldn't just be like: "okay, you've been accepted." I'm pretty sure it's a lot more complicated than that. They would need to get their parent involved and maybe if said parent was an asshole, they would be taken by children protective services, but as it is I doubt it makes any sense.
Okay, scratch that first point, the entire second chapter isn't realistic and Flash Fire, to me at least, is pretty dang stupid.
CAPSLOCK much?
So, in short, you've got issues with the realism and some formatting errors. Grammar seemed fine, but the story really wasn't all that enjoyable since it was so out of character for the real world. Non-adults, little kids much less, have next to zero power in the real world, pretending that they can admit themselves to an orphanage is absurd, you could get more words and a better story if you slowed down and made this all more realistic.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise, good luck and farewell.
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