A tail of two Pegasai

by MRSDRAGONFIRE911

The Form

A Tale of two Pegasi

Chapter 2: The form

By: MRSDRAGONFIRE911

Rainbow Dash walked inside and looked at the Cirrocumulus cloud room, they clearly used it to keep the walls from hurting the children, but it didn’t look very stable. The desk was made from Stratus clouds and a full grown purple mare was behind the counter with a white little Pegasi colt in her arms. Rainbow was so small that even when she stood on her back hooves she couldn’t reach the top of the desk, “Excuse me, I’d like to admit myself and my sister!” she said in the loudest voice she could muster, barely reaching the mare’s ears with her tiny voice. “Hm? Is someone there?” The mare asked. “ME!” She said.

The mare got up holding the colt with her wing, she looked down “You would like to what?” She said with an unsure face on. “I’d like to admit myself and my sister.” she said, turning around to show the mare her little sister. “Um do you have a parent with you?” the mare asked a little cynically “my dad said my mom was gone…..and he told us to get out…..”She said trailing off sadly. “Oh…well….I suppose we can work something out….” She said a bit unsure again, her mane was a light yellow and her cutie mark was a filly bottle with a smiley face on it.

She walked back around the table and grabbed a paper, “Now then, what is your name and who are your parents?” she said. “My name is Rainbow Dash, my mother’s name was Summer Sun Blitz and my dad’s name is Raging Ocean.” She replied uncharacteristically shy. “What is your sister’s name?” The mare asked. “Uhh….I don’t know……..” Rainbow Dash said awkwardly. “You mean you don’t know what her name is?” she asked. “Well then how about we make one….She has big wing for such a little filly, and her mane makes her look like she’s on fire……”

The mare trailed off. “So she will probably be really fast!” Rainbow dash said in a matter-of-fact way. “HAHaha, you're right, so how about….Smoke Wing?” “No…that sounds stupid.” Rainbow Dash said bluntly “How about……Flash Fire!” The young blue filly said excitedly. “Better than mine…….Very well, her name is Flash Fire!” The scribbled the name down on the paper.

“Next question, how old are you?” the mare asked “I am 4 years old, and She is 4 hours old.” Rainbow Dash said. “4 HOURS?!” oh my, we need to get her into the nursery!” Quickly she scribbled down they’re ages and coloring then scooped Flash Fire up from Rainbow Dash’s back. “Follow me, OH and my name is Lily Bloom, This little colt here is Super Sonic. Rainbow dash looked at the young colt for the first time since she’d walked in, his fur was a pure white while his mane was blueish-purple with a couple little streaks of red. He giggled, when he saw her looking at him, she gave him a weak smile, her long run finally catching up with her. The mare was talking but Rainbow Dash was to tired to listen, she merely nodded every now and again.

“AAAANNNNNNDDDDD, finally this is your room!” the mare said to Rainbow Dash loud enough to snap her out of her drowsiness. she stood straighter and tried to look cooler, epically failing in the process. “How about you take a nap, I’ll take care of your sister.

“Okay” Rainbow dash said, she climbed into a small bed without looking at the room at all, falling asleep only seconds after laying down. The mare twisted her neck to look at flash fire “Now, what to do with you....” she said to the filly, walking down the hall to the nursery.

Author's Note:

nEXT UPDATE IS TO COME SOON!

Comments

[Impress Me]

I'm giving this a thumbs up because I'm curious to see where this goes. BUT you need to work on that word count! You have to work on building up on that dialogue and that detail! The grammar isn't bad but a few of the paragraphs could have used spaces and the two chapters could have worked better as one whole chapter.

[Emerald Ray]

You spelt 'Pegasi' wrong.

[MRSDRAGONFIRE911]

2298848 oh yeah...... is it pegasai? i was confused there...........

[MRSDRAGONFIRE911]

2298527 i know of this........im working on it, the size doesn't matter though because im trying to update every 2 days, though im not accomplishing that right now but im probs gonna update today and maybe tomorrow to make up for it....

[Warren Peace]

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

[Warren Peace]

I've said it a million times: don't go cheap on word count. Aim for a twelve hundred minimum or prepare to see insta-downvotes.

Now, onto the description...

Rainbow Dash's past blah blah and a bit of the future, blah blah blah after the whole series blah life goes on as normal.

This sounds so much like a trollfic that I almost didn't do the review, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt as it is mostly since this is so short and it won't waste too much of my time if this is a trollfic. This far more than the previous issue will also earn insta-downvotes. Good writing requires patience, if you aren't willing to put in the time to come up with a legitimate description for your story, then people probably aren't going to put in the time to actually see if you are or aren't a trollfic writer (in the case that you are a trollfic writer, feel free to ignore this review entirely).

Continuing with the description...and cover art...

art Art done by general zois General Zois'/Zoi's pony creator.

People really, and I mean REALLY hate writers who use Ponycreator images as their cover art. I've personally got no qualms with it, but it does scream something unoriginal and somewhat lazy. If you're going to have cover art (and you should), then there's a group for that on this site.

Now, onto the actual story.

Tale of two Pegasai
By MRSDRAGONFIRE911

Thank you, Captain Obvious, but this stuff isn't needed at all. We aren't so stupid that we forget the story's title the second we start the first chapter and we can see that you're the author on the front page. Get rid of this.

...rang clear without the town.

[New paragraph/indent]“Momma? What was that?” a young filly with a rainbow mane called out into the empty room.

As a rule of thumb, always start a new paragraph when there's a new speaker. It looks nicer and is more professional.

soft cumulus cloud that made the bottom of her 3 three story house.

How long does it take to write out the word: three? Answer: not long at all. Solution: don't just flop the number: 3 onto the page, take the nanosecond that it takes to write out the word: three. Like before, it's more professional and it looks nicer to read.

he said, clearly drunk and upset

Instead of being boring here, try showing us that daddy Dash is drunk and upset. Try suing something like the smell of his breath or maybe the fact that there's an empty bottle of booze nearby. Either way, it's more interesting when we're shown something instead of being told it. Oh, and remember to give each new speaker their own new paragraph.

Clouds-dale Cloudsdale

Cloudsdale is one word.

Now, onto the next chapter...

[Second paragraph]

One: new speaker, new paragraph. Two: I don't think that that's how the system works. The mare in charge wouldn't just be like: "okay, you've been accepted." I'm pretty sure it's a lot more complicated than that. They would need to get their parent involved and maybe if said parent was an asshole, they would be taken by children protective services, but as it is I doubt it makes any sense.

Okay, scratch that first point, the entire second chapter isn't realistic and Flash Fire, to me at least, is pretty dang stupid.

Author's Note:
nEXT UPDATE IS TO COME SOON!

CAPSLOCK much?

So, in short, you've got issues with the realism and some formatting errors. Grammar seemed fine, but the story really wasn't all that enjoyable since it was so out of character for the real world. Non-adults, little kids much less, have next to zero power in the real world, pretending that they can admit themselves to an orphanage is absurd, you could get more words and a better story if you slowed down and made this all more realistic.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise, good luck and farewell.
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