The Ponyville Party Prandial

by Featherprop

Squeeze the Charmin Softly

Earlier that morning, Applejack had risen at her usual time, and her apple slices were sizzling in the pan as Celestia’s Sun climbed above the horizon. Unlike her brother and sister, the dawn was one of her favorite times, partly because of the promise each day held, but mostly because nopony else tended to be up, which gave her a rare chance to relax and think.

When Applejack noticed the dawn shadows shortening, she realized she’d been doing a little too much thinking. She wrapped her tongue around the remaining slice of fried apple, gulped down the last of her coffee, and chastised herself for being a slowpoke: “Yer burnin’ daylight, AJ, an’ there’s no excuse for wastin’ a good day. Them apples ain’t gonna sell themselves.” Pausing to don her Stetson, she stepped out the door and trotted towards the barn.

The barn door was ajar. Applejack frowned, for there were no good reasons for it to be so. She knew Big Mac couldn’t have left it open this morning; even from the barn, she could hear him snoring away. Apple Bloom could be ruled out as well – the absence of flames or any awful sounds of destructive creation meant the filly almost certainly wasn’t inside.

There was one other possible culprit, though, and she tipped her hat forward, for it never hurt to be prepared when confronting a Princess of the Night. Luna had recently discovered the joy of Sweet Apple Cider, and more than once Applejack had caught her doing what seemed an awful lot like casing the joint, looking for the Apples' Secret Cider Cellar.

Not that the Cellar existed. Especially not under the floorboards of Applejack's room.

Cautiously, she poked her head around the door. There was no Night Alicorn inside. In fact, there was nothing.

Her hat flew off her head in surprise. In the middle of the barn, where she had left the salescart after stocking up the previous night, was nothing except emtpy space.

“Mah... mah cart! Mah cart’s gone! What in tarnation’s goin’ on here?”

Then she noticed the space was not quite empty: On the floor lay a pile of apples and apple-eating accessories. “Mah... mah apples!” Her muzzle twisted in a snarl. “What sorta no-good, two-bit, flea-bitten, mangy-coated good-fer-nothin’ cart-napper would turn their nose up at mah apples?”

Applejack squinted, her hooves shaking in frustration, and through clenched teeth muttered, “Carrot Top!”

She ran back through the farmhouse, shouting, “Mac, Apple Bloom, sound th' alarm! Raise th’ levies! Cart-theft! Mayhem! Apple-disrespectin’! Ah’ve got ta get th’ Sheriff out here! Hold down th’ fort, Ah’ll head ‘em off at the pass!” And then she was out the front door, galloping towards Ponyville for all she was worth, her words trailing behind her. “Ain’t no carrot-munchin’ rascal gonna git away with this caper!”

As she clattered past his room, Big Mac rolled over and buried his head in the pillow. “Ah’m gonna have t’ check the ‘chug-by’ date on th’ breakfast cider. Again.”

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

As Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity stood in front of the fruit cart, an awkward silence fell over them, only broken by the occasional raspy outburst from down the street. Rarity smiled and blinked at Twilight, and Twilight grinned nervously in return and tried to looked anywhere but at Rarity’s eyes. Fluttershy began backing away slowly from the uneasy standoff, but let out a startled “Eep!” when Twilight used her magic to pick her up and bring her back.

“Fluttershy! I was... just about to ask for your help! I was having a hard time picking out the right fruit. Which do you think would be good?”

Fluttershy blushed and tried to hide behind her mane. “Oh, Twilight, I’m sorry, but I don’t know. I, um, I don’t know, erm, that much about fruit? Sorry?”

Rarity saw a chance to smooth over the uncomfortable moment and jumped in with enthusiasm. “M-m-maybe I could offer some assistance, my dear! I may not be an expert on fruit like Applejack, but I believe I can offer some the advantage of a more discerning palate.”

Twilight eagerly accepted her offer with a giggle and levitated the basket containing Rainbow Dash’s selections. “Well, sure, Rarity, thanks!”

Rarity tossed her head and took on a business-like air. “Now, let’s see what you ha– oh my pleats and plackets!” Rarity looked up at Twilight in horror. “Twilight, surely you didn’t intend these to be used for Pony consumption?”

From behind the fruitcart, there was the sound of a moustache-muffled “Hey!”

Twilight lifted the fruit, letting the basket fall to the ground, and looked at them critically. “Really? I didn’t actually look at them. Rainbow–“

“Rainbow Dash??”

Twilight and Rarity both looked at Fluttershy in confusion – while such an outburst from Rarity would not have been surprising, Fluttershy’s exclamation had stunned both of them. Now that the attention was focused on her, though, Fluttershy ducked her head and was trying her best to disappear behind her pink mane. “Oh, um, I mean, I’m sure the ones she chose are very, um, interesting, but, um, you might want to look at them closely.” If possible, her soft voice got even softer, and Twilight and Rarity strained to hear her. “Rainbow, um, well, the last time she cooked, well, um, I had... I...” Fluttershy trailed off in utter embarrassment.

Rarity, ever observant, jumped in to help her friend. “Oh, my dear, I understand completely! I was wondering why you had a bumper crop of flowers behind your cottage. Say no more!”

Rarity, ever observant, jumped in to help her friend. “Oh, my dear, I understand completely. I allowed her to assist Sweetie Belle in making hay sandwiches the other day, and the results were, shall I say, digestively challenging? Thanks to her, my afternoon was quite unlady-like. I had to cancel several fittings, lest I gave an impression of barbarity!” With a smile, she leaned in and whispered, “However, on the bright side, I was able to tell Sweetie Belle that hers were the best sandwiches I’d eaten all day!”

The three friends shared a laugh, and Rarity turned to the floating fruit. Suppressing a shudder, she plucked one from Twilight’s aura with her own, and brought it close for inspection. She donned her glasses, and looked at it critically. “Bruised, and with a slight discoloration from overexposure to sunlight.” With a casual toss of her horn, the citrus dropped into the empty basket.

The salesPony’s moustache twitched, and sh–he lifted a hoof to scratch it, though the motion looked remarkably similar to somepony re-affixing a slipping fake soupstrainer.

With a ruthless efficiency, Rarity began appraising the other fruit Rainbow Dash had chosen, quickly dismissing them all: “Cut... Smudged... Used as a miniature hoofball... Gnawed by fruitbats.” She proceeded to work her way through a portion of the pile on the cart, prompting the proprietor to postulate a perfunctory proposal: “How ‘bout you do less squeezin’ an’ more buyin’? Y’all have been jawin’ in front a’ mah stand fer near a quarter hour! ”

Rarity paused and looked at the little proprietor, whose two-gallon hat was about one gallon too big for his head. “I’m sorry, but you don’t really expect customers to accept substandard merchandise, do you?” She placed a hoof on her chest and continued, “I, too, operate a business establishment, a quite successful one I might add, and I cannot stand the thought of delivering a dress that does not dazzle the customer!”

The salesPony was unimpressed. Holding up a lemon that matched the shade of his coat, he shot back, “See this? It’s a lemon. It don’t matter if there’s a scuff or two, most Ponies squeeze ‘em inta lemonade. 'Cept maybe for Sour Puss over there.”

Across the square, a stallion with a wrinkled face smiled and waved back, then pulled a lemon from a sack and bit into it. He whinnied in ecstasy as his muzzle scrunched up even more, then tossed the rest of the fruit in the air and swallowed it in one gulp.

“Dunno what’s wrong with him, but he’s mah best customer, so Ah figure it don’t pay to ask too many questions.”

The three mares shuddered as they watched, their own muzzles curling involunarily. Fluttershy squeaked and Rarity frowned in disapproval as the stallion swallowed the lemon.

Turning back to the salesPony, Rarity lifted her nose in the air. “Regardless of the, er, eccentric tastes of some of your customers, I’m sorry to say I cannot accept any of these examples of your wares.”

The diminutive cartmonger gave Rarity an appraising look. “We-e-elll, I weren’t gonna say nothin’, but you look like a right selective sort, if’n y’all know what I mean.” Leaning forward, he lowered his voice, eyes shifting about as he spoke into Rarity’s shoulder. “Ah don’t like to advertise it, but Ah do have a more private stock, Ah keep it on hand for Ponies what have a more discrimin–”

He broke off as the thunder of galloping hooves rose about the general bustle of the market. At the far end of the market, a cloud of dust was rising, and at the head of it was an orange mare, her blonde mane streaming behind her.

“Aw, horseapp– horsequmquats!”

Comments

[Cloudy Skies]

I am not entirely sure I deserve mention, all I did was ask a rather simple question--I may be putting too much into that, but I know that personally, to know I've potentially inspired in any capacity is amazing, flattering, and all kinds of awesome. And I'm very glad to see this posted up! Not just because I personally am not terribly interested in stories that deal with full OC casts, but because I was right in that you know how to write!

So, I did read this, and I'm going to try (and fail) to be brief. Please note that my formal education and training is lacking and much of this is regurgitated advice that I've come to accept, sometimes without knowing why.

First, a few sentence structure things, and first among those, passive voice. You don't do it a whole lot, but consider "was humming" vs. "hummed". You also use a couple of -ly verbs (I forget concrete examples), and I find that when they are used ("He said, happily" essentially), there are usually more show-y and less tell-y ways to get the points across. There seems to be some crossed-out notes in chapter 3, too. I'm not sure if that's an oversight or if I'm simply failing to grasp a joke there, sorry!

Oh, and there seems to be some odd capitalization going on. I understand that in some cases it's for effect--"the Cellar" is fine because there's a reason for it, but "Stetson" is capitalized, and most, if not all instances of "Pony", too.

I would comment on your choice of narrative voice/style/perspective and whatever, but fact of the matter is, I write almost exclusively with close 3rd person limited as my ideal. You write more omniscient 3rd in that there's no single pony's perspective, but rather, you switch active. That's completely fine and a legitimate choice, but sometimes it feels like there's a narrative tone what with the little quips like "sh-he lifted a hoof."

Some might appreciate those a lot, and it's very appropriate for a humor-heavy fic sometimes, but it just feels a little inconsistent. I am not sure if it helps to say "there may be some inconsistencies" without knowing how to fix it, and I apologize for that. I just wanted to mention it.

That all said, the language you use itself is clear and readable, and there are lots of lovely comparisons and metaphors. I laughed out loud at bits, particularly some parts of Ch3. Applejack's "Raise th’ levies! Cart-theft! Mayhem! Apple-disrespectin’!" -- I love it. I am still wondering what the hay an "apple-eating accessory" could possibly be, and the whole suggestion that Luna was scoping out AJ's farm should be ridiculous and silly, but it works. The fic's funny enough that things like that just fit, even though the story hasn't gone full absurd. I say bravo to that!

Characterization seems fine, too. Rarity in particular is amazing in some of the scenes, and it reminds me of exactly how different interpretations can be without being wrong.

My final concerns relate to some of the angles. Two specific things I noticed was that the Davenport angle felt like it got harped on a bit. Some scenes seemed a bit extended and wordy past what is necessary. Now, I'm not advocate for word efficiency or economy, and I love throwing more words at any scene or problem, but the third outcry of "Davenport!" felt a bit much, and Twi, Flutters and Rarity spent half a page re-establishing the scene in Ch3.

That one gave me pause also because having AJ's segment before that gave the illusion of a day having passed, but I may've missed something.

Hm. Yep. I failed at being Not Wordy. Sorry for the spam here, I just took a few notes while writing, and when I transcribe notes, they get even longer. If there's any doubt, I really enjoyed reading this, make no mistake! I'm very eager to see where you take this fic. It seems more ambitious than many comedies with the multiple threads, and I'm both confident you'll pull it off, and certain I'm going to gobble up each chapter as it comes along!

[Featherprop]

2373341

This? This is not spam, kind sir, this is a wonderfully huge bit of feedback! There's lots and lots here, and I don't think I have time to address it all, but everything you've highlighted is helpful and will be taken to heart... or at least seriously considered before I give in to my ego and break more rules.

I do have a problem with passive vs active voice, and it's mostly because I'll come up with a particular phrasing I like and then use it, even if it clashes. I'm working on being more consistent in my writing voice, and critique like that is exactly what I need to clean up my writing.

I can't say where I picked it up, but I've always felt 'Pony' should be capitalized in the same way we'd capitalize 'Italian,' 'European,' or perhaps even 'Gryphon.' It may not be correct, but I can't shake the feeling that it should be that way. And I capitalized Stetson because it is, in fact, the name of a brand and not just a hat style.

Using a consistent writing voice is one of my next challenges, after overcoming wordiness and cleverness. I have tried writing in 3rd limited, but I haven't applied myself enough to do it consistently - I find that I always slip out into using a more omniscient voice because I like the freedom to slip in details. In particular, the "he-she" quips were because I wanted to avoid confusion about who was running the fruit cart.

I shall have to use a poor excuse for some of the inconsistencies and wordiness issues you've touched on. I've treated this as a writing challenge in a few ways: One, to write with canon characters and get a feel for working with pre-existing characters, and second to write quickly. My long story has been in process since October. OCTOBER. And while I love it, and want to make it perfect before publishing it (a terrible pipe dream if there ever was one!), I needed to work on breaking through writing blocks and just getting on with a story.

I try to write each chapter in under two hours. When I've come to an impasse, I've forced myself to just run with the best idea that's at hand and work through it. That's why there's a lot of wasted verbiage re-establishing a scene- I couldn't find a satisfactory bridge, so I went with the least unsatisfactory one just to keep things moving. Additionally, I've limited myself to two editorial passes: One for gross grammatical and punctuation errors, and a second final read-through.

I'm afraid that my cleverness has led to a confused tone and a few ineffective or 'off' parts. Some of them were put in because they made me feel clever, and some were put in because I knew a few particular readers would get a kick out of them: The repeated "Davenport!" is a reference to Seinfeld ("Newman!"), the "hay-eating accessories" is reference to King of the Hill (for Helicity, my darling wife!), and the crossed-out text is a really inappropriate reference to an infamous tweet by Lauren Faust on the subject of bathrooms in Ponyville (Thanks, Helicity!).

They're all in there because I couldn't decide whether I just wanted to have fun writing or I wanted to make something polished. The overarching goal of 'fast' overrode polish nearly every time. I'm still unhappy with the transition from Sweet Apple Acres back to the market square, but I couldn't find a quick way to resolve it, and went with my 'least worst' principle. Now I really want to fix it.

The bit with Luna is something that gives me pause- one of the goals here was to write in character, but early on I leaned towards the 'Lush Luna' fanon stereotype. It can be funny, it provides opportunities for comedy, but partly it's a cover for not having a good feel for her character or how to fit a serious anachronistic misfit into a lighthearted near-random fic.

But more is on the way, and I'll try very hard to avoid some of the issues you've raised. Thanks so much for taking the time to give this a review and for bringing all of these up! Crud, I need to run, so I'm going to post this in a rather raw and unrefined form- appropriate for this story!!

And you most certainly do deserve a mention- it was our discussion about writing for existing characters and your slyly worded question that spurred me to try to do this, and I've enjoyed it very, very much.

Also, I have discovered that Rarity is Best Pony To Write For.

[Cloudy Skies]

Calling it spam may've been tongue in cheek, but I do try to leave people an out--you may've asked for my thoughts (or at least not protested when I said I'd read and comment), but not everyone actively wants feedback of this type. More to the point, that's a 100% defensible stance, too.

Anyway! The voice thing, I still say most people will consider a problem, but I'm also very aware of how the process of falling in love with a phrase works. I frequently ignore corrections when and if I feel I really want to go with something. Besides, it's not like passive voice is always the wrong choice, it's just a problem when it's noticeably common.

On the capitalization, it's interesting to see you actually have a solid reason for them every time--I shouldn't have doubted that--all I know is that "Pony" looks weird to me. "It looks weird." There's class A feedback. I thought Stetson was a thing that had transcended being a brand name and was now considered a thing, much like pop tarts, though.

I don't think it's very purposeful to dissect everything here though. Rather, I shall await more chapters and comment then! If you've cranked these chapters out in two hours a piece, that's bloody impressive. I can easily keep my comments more story- pacing- and characterization-related if nitpicking is pointless for this reason.

[Featherprop]

2385003

I have a few little ideas for the next chapter, but nothing after that. I hope to get them roughed out tomorrow, and ready to pub on Tuesday at the latest (crazy work schedule here).

As for the critique, any and all is welcome, down to nit-picking if something catches your eye! I've learned not to trust my own when it comes to editing and reviewing...

[DMDash71]

Horsequmquats! I LOVE this! Way to ponify an explicative and make it even more emphatic!

Sorry, you just rustled my literary jimmies in a good way and I'm loving it.

[Featherprop]

3366677 I... I never caught that you commented on this one.

THIRTY-TWO WEEKS AGO. I feel bad now...

Thanks for looking through and taking the time to leave a couple comments- it makes my day, seven months later. :)

Also, ponifying things is one of my favorite parts of writing. I think, sometimes, that I write stories TO ponify, rather than ponify to write stories...