• Member Since 24th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen May 24th

302Death


E

They came in peace but that peace was just a trick to take out Earth

Halo/MLP crossover

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 22 )

Aww yes. This is epic.

Celestia's POV

:ajbemused:

Marines started being deployed all over the area surrounding the newfoals and started to fire upon them. Some Pelicans dropped Warthogs and tanks, soon ODST's were dropped from orbit to get behind enemy lines.

i.imgur.com/Xd8Ox.jpg

If you're going to have something happen, show it happening. This could easily have been a couple chapters to itself.

Furthermore, your characters just feel... bland. I get no sense of them being anything other than mouthpieces for you as an author, which doesn't make for good fiction. What prompted Celestia to want to wipe out humanity? Why should I care about anything that's happening here? It reads like the fifth hour of a history professor's lecture, to put it bluntly :facehoof:.

Then there's the grammar errors, which really just suggests you need to get someone to preread this. Or Microsoft Word (or any text editor beyond Wordpad, really)

It need lot of work everything is done two quick and the characters are just bad they also need a lot of work this story need some big improvement or it will just be bad

2275265 Im not good on details that's a problem for me

2275280 You should really get a per reader and an editor

“Captain.” Katya said.

- First off, you need to learn how to do dialogue correctly. Tn these instances, that period needs to be a comma.

“Yes Luna the humans are evil beings that needs to be destroyed or converted to ponies so they can be cleansed of their evil.” Celestia stated.

- *need

“Whenare the Marines going to get to us? We are in need of backup and need it fast!” Rick said while shooting at the Newfoals.

Lastly, I would like to tell you that your story is rushed, feel free to take the time to fully describe what's happening. If your reader can't visualize what's happening, they aren't being engaged in the text, and that is a failure on the author's part.

Secondly, it looks like the ACB group has once again created a grossly OOC version of ponies as a whole race. How about having pony villains and pony heroes? Kind of like how there are human heroes and human villains in real life? Otherwise, this is just... forgive me for not making this sound nicer, gun porn, and rather dry gun porn at that. The description is very lacking.

2275280 Then work on it, seek advice, or, you know, read other stories so you can get a feel for what you should try and attempt.

Idk if I can ask this but may I know who wins in advance I prefer reading humanity wins stories so I don't want to be let down.

2275462 Thanks fo the advice man im going to give the next chapter more of my time

Interesting story. Make the ponies burn :rainbowdetermined2:

2275775 I think you should re write it you just start over add more background some depth to it

2275775 I am inclined to agree with 2275918 In fact you might very well want to reconsider this whole thing and make a few pony protagonists. There's a reason why "Cupcakes" is infamous as opposed to famous. People come here because they like ponies, the last thing they want to see is the entire collective lot being painted in one color of villainy. I know I don't. Consider giving... a realistic account of why conversion would be made, rather than handwaving it under the fact that it is "alternate universe".

2275987 Ok im going to rewrite the whole story in the future but not right now im to tired to figure more things out anyway so yeah

Pity, I liked it the way it was. Hope it'll be even cooler this time.
Wanna check out my own TCB story?

2276133 Sure il check it out

2276139 Awsum. You can't miss it :ajsmug:

Comment posted by Mcayon deleted Apr 1st, 2013

Ok before I read this I can tell who is going to win. The UNSC, if they don't then this is not a halo/mlp crossover it is a lie. The Master Chief is so lucky that he wins at everything. So equestria prepare for a thorough ads kicking.

Don't really understand all these Conversion Bureau themed stories. Ponies have no chance against humans!

“Captain Shining Armor, prepare the soldiers to attack the city of New Mombasa”. Celestia ordered the Captain of the Royal Guard.

Five words, assholes. Orbital Drop Shock Trooper Rookie

Am I the only one that wants to see how the ponies would fare against the Flood?

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