Chapter 1
“We have achieved stable orbit above Earth now captain.” The AI of the UNSC Liberation said in a dull and monotonous voice.
“Thanks Katya.” Captain Sebastian said while he looked down at Earth from the ship’s bridge.
“Ain't she beautiful? It was along time ago i saw her last.” He said, thinking of the last year being out at the outer colonies fighting The Covenant.
“Captain.” Katya said.
“Yes Katya?” The captain asked.
“Incoming Message from the Surface,” Katya said.
“Bring it up on the big screen then.” Captain Sebastian said while waiting for the message to play
“Playing message now.”
“Alert! Alert! The Equestrian barrier is expanding, we are unable to contact Celestia in any way. The ponies are ponfiying the people by force. Requesting backup immediately. Evacuation of civilians have begun.” They hear a man saying over the radio while gunshots are heard in the background.
“Katya, send down troops at once, we need to stop this.” Captain Sebastian said while he tried to fully figure out what was happening
“Yes sir.” She said.
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Celestia's POV
“Are you sure about this sister?” Luna asked Celestia in a questioning tone.
“Yes Luna the humans are evil beings that needs to be destroyed or converted to ponies so they can be cleansed of their evil.” Celestia stated.
“I just think that its not fair to attack them now when they have a war to deal with.” Luna said, giving her sister a concerned and disappointed look.
“Captain Shining Armor, prepare the soldiers to attack the city of New Mombasa”. Celestia ordered the Captain of the Royal Guard.
“Yes your majesty.” Shining Armor said and ran towards the soldier barracks.
“Let’s get rid of the humans.” Celestia said.
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On board the UNSC Liberation Captain Sebastian prepared the troops before deploying them over New Mombasa, preparing a small speech for the Marines;
“Marines, we may have a war with the Covenant, but today we’re not going to fight the Covenant. Today we are going to fight ponies. Celestia may think she can just stumble in here and say the human race is dirty. “We may be dirty but as Gandhi said some centuries ago;
‘You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean: if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean doesn’t become dirty.'”
And with that statement he wished the Marines good luck and farewell. Back on the surface of the planet at New Mombasa, the police of the city tried to keep the civilians safe from the newfoals trying to throw potions at them, doing their best from the school they were holding up in.
“Open fire on the ponies if they get too close!” The police officer in command said to the other police officers.
“Attention, if anyone needs medical attention please attend to the gymnastic hall, if you can’t find your relatives, please get to the principal's office.” A voice said over the loudspeakers.
“Sir!” One of the police officers named Rick said to the police officer in command.
“What is it Rick?” The police officer in command asked.
“When is the Marines going to get to us we are in need of backup and that is fast!” Rick said while shooting at the Newfoals.
“They should be here any moment now.” He said
“I sure hope so at least.” He said to himself. Just as he said that explosions were heard on the pony side.
“Did you miss us?” A pilot of a Hornet asked rhetorically over the radio while firing at the newfoals.
“You cannot believe how happy i am to see you!” The police officer in command radioed back to the pilot.
“What is the status down there?” The pilot asked.
“We have about 500 civilians in need of evac can you guys help us with that?” The police officer asked
“Sure, we can, just wait a second, we’re going deploy some Marines to help you win this fight.” The pilot said.
“Roger that, we will hold this position as long as we can.” The police officer said while firing shots towards the now rushing waves of newfoals.
Marines started being deployed all over the area surrounding the newfoals and started to fire upon them. Some Pelicans dropped Warthogs and tanks, soon ODST's were dropped from orbit to get behind enemy lines.
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On board the UNSC Liberation Captain Sebastian prepared for a final strike.
“Katya, what is the status on the surface?” Sebastian asked while overlooking the battlefield map.
“Our troops have soon secured the area, but it seems like an Equestrian fleet is on its way towards New Mombasa,” She said while she showed the Equestrian fleet's ongoing towards the Coast of Africa.”
“Alright, deploy some pelicans Falcons and Hornets to deal with the Equestrian fleet we need to have more time to evacuate civilians Sebastian said.
“We can only hope that we can stop this before its too late.”
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Celestia’s POV
In the Canterlot Castle Princess Celestia planned the attack on New Mombasa with Captain Shining Armor.
“We need to have the element of surprise if we want to win this battle“ Celestia said while overlooking the map on the table over the coast of Africa.
“But princess our scouts have seen some of their flying machines coming towards our fleet.”
Captain Shining Armor said.
“How long until they reach the fleet, Captain?“ Celestia asked.
“They should reach our fleet in 20 minutes.” Shining Armor said while trying to figure out how they would need to do to win the battle at sea.
“And how long are the ships away from the shore of New Mombasa captain?“ Celestia asks
“They should arrive at the shores of New Mombasa in about 40 Minutes, we need to hold them off for 20 minutes if we want our soldiers to get onto the shores,” he said.
“Shining Armor, don’t we got those newly developed bombs?“ Celestia asked.
“Yes we do, but we don’t know if they will work on their flying machines.” Shining said.
“Use them” Celestia said.
“Are you sure about this Princess?“ Shining asked even though he knew what the answer would be.
“Yes, I’m sure Shining Armor, use them and try not to kill them try to turn them into ponies.” Celestia ordered her captain.
“Yes your highness.” He said and ran towards the pegasi control center.
Aww yes. This is epic.
2275221 Thanks :D
i.imgur.com/Xd8Ox.jpg
If you're going to have something happen, show it happening. This could easily have been a couple chapters to itself.
Furthermore, your characters just feel... bland. I get no sense of them being anything other than mouthpieces for you as an author, which doesn't make for good fiction. What prompted Celestia to want to wipe out humanity? Why should I care about anything that's happening here? It reads like the fifth hour of a history professor's lecture, to put it bluntly .
Then there's the grammar errors, which really just suggests you need to get someone to preread this. Or Microsoft Word (or any text editor beyond Wordpad, really)
It need lot of work everything is done two quick and the characters are just bad they also need a lot of work this story need some big improvement or it will just be bad
2275265 Im not good on details that's a problem for me
2275280 You should really get a per reader and an editor
- First off, you need to learn how to do dialogue correctly. Tn these instances, that period needs to be a comma.
- *need
Lastly, I would like to tell you that your story is rushed, feel free to take the time to fully describe what's happening. If your reader can't visualize what's happening, they aren't being engaged in the text, and that is a failure on the author's part.
Secondly, it looks like the ACB group has once again created a grossly OOC version of ponies as a whole race. How about having pony villains and pony heroes? Kind of like how there are human heroes and human villains in real life? Otherwise, this is just... forgive me for not making this sound nicer, gun porn, and rather dry gun porn at that. The description is very lacking.
2275280 Then work on it, seek advice, or, you know, read other stories so you can get a feel for what you should try and attempt.
Idk if I can ask this but may I know who wins in advance I prefer reading humanity wins stories so I don't want to be let down.
2275462 Thanks fo the advice man im going to give the next chapter more of my time
Interesting story. Make the ponies burn
2275775 I think you should re write it you just start over add more background some depth to it
2275775 I am inclined to agree with 2275918 In fact you might very well want to reconsider this whole thing and make a few pony protagonists. There's a reason why "Cupcakes" is infamous as opposed to famous. People come here because they like ponies, the last thing they want to see is the entire collective lot being painted in one color of villainy. I know I don't. Consider giving... a realistic account of why conversion would be made, rather than handwaving it under the fact that it is "alternate universe".
2275981 I agree