darkness
Joined 10th Dec, 2012 ·
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This honestly needs to be given to an editor before you post the chapter, it was resally hard to read, not bad though, I kept being reminded of The Darkness one and two while reading for some reason, I liked the plot and even though you have many errors, they can be fixed....shall read on
Strangely, the description was harder to read than the actual story.
I have one question, and one question alone.
Why is the Romance tag here?
Remember when Cupcakes ripoffs were good? Yeah, me neither.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwfymvLEOm1r3ovdbo1_500.gif
Man, after reading that I don't think I can finish this, but I did. Okay so it isn't a cupcakes sequal, but it still feels like cupcakes. If ya wanna know something, not a lot of people enjoyed that story. It was different which is why it was praised by many. Now it has become a rather large nuisance to people wanting to use the character Pinkameana. I think I've only seen one cupcakes rip off that actually worked pretty well, and even then it isn't to the caliber of some stories. As for anything, Proofread, proofread, proofread. It's something that I learned the importance of from this site. Even then, sometimes you need an extra pair of eyes, so if you want to try again and write something else, do it. This however, probably isn't going to get anymore popular. As for anything I will offer my eyes to help you with another fic if you request. Send me a message if you would like, otherwise start reading some books, because the mistakes in this also extended to the fact you needed to write a lot more. Oh well, keep it up, practice makes perfect.
Final Verdict: Ever read the story inspired by Cupcakes? Yeah me too...
i thought i have gotten most of the errors and had two people look at it and myself thanks for saying so. this was inpired by hannbal lector and little bit of dexter and i intend to finish it and improve it. thanks for coments and the romace and gore will come later. darkness
well i see it now , but im not one for graphic stories like this....
Well, I was expecting a lot worse given the upvote:downvote ratio.
But I was actually pretty surprised; although your english is very subpar, many clauses are redundent, punctuation misuse, awkward tense changes, completely wrong tense changes, and the plot is still very murky (it's not made any better by the fact that you state it's not a cupcakes sequel, but make it very unclear how it differs).
However, I actually rather enjoyed the story. It was interesting, and I actually think you're a much better writer than others I've seen. You have spent quite a lot of words on only a few scenes, which means you managed to go into quite an amount of detail. I've read too many fics where eight scenes are written in only a thousand words. This was actually quite refreshing.
Another thing I enjoyed was Pinkie and Spike's relationship, and the way that she is intent on sparing his life because he saved hers. I can imagine this could come into play quite a lot in the fic.
So, in conclusion to this short comment, I think you should definitely grab an editor to write your errors. Take, for example, your description:
First of all, stating that it is not a cupcake sequel should be something you include after the description. The start of the description is supposed to catch the reader's eye and hold their attention.
Second of all, names (and titles) are proper nouns, and proper nouns should be capitalized.
Thirdly, you should always spell check all your words, and this is absolutely CRUCIAL in a story's description. Make a single error in the description, and readers judge it. Harshly.
Fourthly, sentences need to make sense. I read this out loud and reached Dr. Twilight before I literally couldn't even continue because it just didn't make sense, and I have no idea what it means.
So, I'm going to guess.
That was just a guess. I really don't know what you were actually trying to write at the end, so I'll have another rewrite.
Your flow is bad. The lack of Sentence Spacing, and comma's just messes up the readability factor. It's confusing the bananas and marbles out of me. You gotta find a new way to tell readers what you wanna say. Think, ''Same Goal, Different Road''. Yours is made of dirt. Just pave it. You might like the results. See, you have really good ideas, but it's hard to understand what your trying to communicate to your readers. Nice 'Plot Foundation'. Very good.
6534414 Amen, brother.
(By the way, he stole the idea from silence of the lambs)
6587963
I think that would be 'sister'. But, Thankx.
6593398 oops... Lol
6593970
It's kay.