The lives of Applejack and Rainbow Dash get tossed around when a human arrives in Equestria
The human in a genderless character with a unisex name and this is my first fanfic so constructive criticism is welcomed
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 22nd Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 11th, 2016
Killabyte
Gamer - Loves games especially the MGS series. Brony - Loves MLP:FIM Tekkie - Fixes PC's
Killabyte
Joined 22nd Nov, 2012 ·
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Nice, story, I want more!
this story brings me to tears
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3884-Sad_rarity.png
The biggest problem I have with this is that everything is moving so fast that there doesn't seem to be any real conflict, which really makes a story interesting.
2390702 I will try to slow the story down a bit as well as write it during the day and not @ midnight
2390223 Soon
2390465 Is that good or bad?
2391525 i rightly don't know
I agree with lovinlife, everything is going very fast and there isn't any real conflict. One of the main problems is everyone is acting so nonchalantly about a human randomly appearing...somewhere in Equestria. We also have no idea what this human looks like or what his/hers name is. I understand this is hard to do with a genderless character, but its not impossible. Another problem I noticed is that Applejack and Rainbow Dash are...a couple...and the human has no reaction to it. (If only I could use emoticons on mobile)
A few things I must point out.
Firstly, I agree with the people who said it was moving too fast. There isn't really much detail either. No background history, no lead up; it's basically thrown at our faces.
Second. One person speaking per paragraph, NO exceptions. You also need some sort of punctuation at the end of every speaking line.
Last thing I'll point out. It seems to switch from second person to first person. That's pretty confusing.
Overall, I think the plot could work. Just use the constructive criticism you have and find an editor or two. x3
2391539
Azel is just a generic unisex name that I found in a name generator, as for looks and appearance it is meant to be based around the reader. Azel's reaction to Applejack and Rainbow will be stated somewhere in the diary entry.
2392212
I will be trying to create more detail and history in my later chapters, as well as trying to give Azel more of a background. As for the one character per paragraph I will try to keep this in mind for future chapters. Sorry about the perspective changes, I mainly write between 12am and 3am so my brain isn't fully functioning. As for editing and editors, I know that I require to find one or two.
As I said though this is my first fic and the constructive criticism is welcomed
2771186
Glad you liked it
2391539
I have no idea where I am going with this and currently have writers block ._.