For a mare named Harmony her life, in general, was hell. Her father was an abusive drunk, everyone her age group treated her like trash, and nobody seemed to care that she exist. If it wasn't for her 'imaginary' friend and a caring changeling, she would have little reason to live. Now, certain events have forced Harmony to leave her old life in search for a new one. As she searched for a place to call her own she found new friends more then willing to help her, but will Harmony's reality make it impossible to find peace, happiness, and, above all, harmony?
Chapters (1)
The description for this is not very good. First, there's a few bad typo's in it. 'that she exist' -> 'that she existed', last line should be in future tense. Also you gave away about three chapters worth of information right there. The description should just be enough to draw the readers interest.
As for the story itself, it's a decent read so far. It's pretty cliche, but as long as you make an effort to add some interesting touches at some point it should shape up fine. You know how to write well enough to create sympathy for the protagonist. The style and pacing of the story feels natural.
I am concerned that you are using an outside source to interrupt Harmony's crappy life. You haven't written it yet, but you say a changing will come to help her somehow. That sounds unlikely, and it also robs your character of growth by taking actions into her own hooves. I don't know what you're going to do before you do it, but look out for stuff like that. I wrote that because you also specify that she makes new friends, which is probably something that shouldn't be in the description because it feels like coddling to know things are going to get better in advance. There's also the logic to consider that if none of the ponies she knew before liked her, why would a new bunch be different? It's partially believable, but it's a bit unlikely everyone at her school is jerks.
Name of Story: What is Harmony
Grammar score out of 10: 6
Pros:
Premise - You have an interesting premise that might not be original but it still is familiar. We've all had hell in school and the reader can understand what Harmony is going through with bullies and bad grades. It does feel like you're beating the reader over the head with how shitty her life is, but I think it's still logical and understandable. A bad home situation follows you to school, where a person either becomes a bully or becomes easy prey for a bully. Given the lack of confidence she shows at home, it makes perfect sense she'd show no confidence at school. And if she's a blank flank, which you should state clearly, that will just add to her misery. I think the formula you have for this character is pretty sound.
Pacing - I thought the pacing was pretty good in this story. It's a little slow in some areas, but that is better than rushing through events or descriptions. I like reading something that doesn't feel rushed.
Dialogue - The dialogue from Harmony and her friend are good fits for their characters. I always find dialogue to be hard to write, but you do a good job of writing out Harmony's voice to match the kind of pony she is.
Cons:
Characterization - Your characters could use a bit more fleshing out. Harmony herself seems okay as the focus of the story, but it's the ponies she interacts with that need more depth. You never mention her father's name or cutie mark, or any reason why he drinks. Harmony should have an idea as to why he's a drunk, and from that reason would explain her interactions with him. I caught that you mentioned the lack of things in her home, which is a good way to hint at why he might be a drunk, but it's okay to explain to the reader a little bit of the reasons for why things are the way they are for Harmony. The teacher was another example of needing to flesh out your characters more - he goes from being considering and nice to Harmony, and then shifts to cold and seemingly uncaring when he hands her back her test.
Grammar - You could use a little help with the grammar and sentence structure. Some sentences are a little choppy, and I would recommend seeking out a proofreader to give your stories a look over and catch small mistakes. I noticed only one typo, which is not a big thing at all, but getting a proofreader would help out.
Description - So first off, I don't agree with FakeScienceMonthly about giving away information - you can write your story description however you want to write it. They aren't easy to write, but there is no real wrong way to write them. The only thing to take into account is what you want the reader to know going into the story. What they know means you don't have to hold somethings back as you write your story. Sistine is clearly Harmony's 'imaginary friend' and it's fine to let the reader see that (see it through actions, not directly tell the reader). You seem to skirt around that issue and there's no reason for it because you've already told the reader what to expect. By touching on the subject, you create a point of interest to keep the reader interested. You don't have to give up all the details about Sistine, but it's okay to make it clear that maybe only Harmony can see or hear her, or that she herself doesn't totally understand what Sistine is, or if she really considers Sistine a friend or not. Their relationship can be a great point of conflict, but I guess it depends on the plans you have for her.
Notes Section:
This story has promise. It's rough right now, but the idea is interesting. I would recommend ending this chapter a little differently though. Something needs to happen that leads to a second chapter. This can be introducing a new conflict, like the Changeling who befriends her, or something else. This doesn't mean you need a cliffhanger ending, you just need a lead in, something to suggest or tease at events to come that the reader will want to come back to read once you publish chapter 2.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Friendship has a Generous Heart.