After a thousand years of living under a Dictator, those who know the true ruler of Equestria are getting more and more violent.
The story follows a young resistance member, who after a tragic accident becomes leader of the resistance against Celestia
Lunar Republic novel with some Modern Warfare stuff mixed in, MW3 fans will love the ending
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Sweet MS paint skills, bro.
396626
IKR I tried to make it look like real amateur graffiti
396656 Because amateurs totally spray giant pixels
EPIC :D LONG LIVE LUNA
Sequal coming soon enough my subjects
To be completely honest, I don't think I would have come across such a story if I hadn't met you through Omegle. I like where this story is going, but for future reference, two main commentaries I have.
1.) Try to indent the paragraphs. I think there's an indent all button when you're editing the story, but it'll make it easier to read to a typical reader. Even just a line of space between paragraphs should work just like first paragraph.
2.) Each change in character dialogue should be a different paragraph. I was able to tell the difference between Winter Drift and Arrow (first spot of dialogue for example), but someone might not. Along these lines, the 'sign' should be it's own paragraph.
Other than small grammatical mistakes toward the end (Their/there/they're)&(sentence spacing), you've got an interesting story [even if I may not get the MW3 references] and I look forward to reading the rest of it. Maybe I'm just nitpicky, the story is splendid. *more comprehensive commentary when I reach the end unless I have other points*
(Also, I'm sorry if you already received that criticism or corrected it in later chapters)
No offense, but there were two things specifically about this chapter that bugged me. One of them was this line:
You do remember this is a world of ponies, right? But I admit, that's more of a nitpicking point
My main one is that you should try introducing the flashback and expanding upon every change of scenes (or at least where you can). While I understand that this chapter is a flashback, I felt the backstory behind it was lacking and the story passed by too quick:
You kinda just mentioned how the scene changed location without really explaining the scene. Explaining scenes, even those earlier in the story could be better (for example in Ch2, the "censored lines by Celestia" could be more thouroughly explained as a plan that was kept secret from Celestia, but again, I got one more chapter to go)
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lve26zo0br1r3k1m8o1_500.png
) improve from here.
Overall, I enjoyed the story. mentioned what I had to earlier, but I know you will (or have, I know this was from a while ago