The scenery of nature is truly magical. The wildlife, the forest, the vegetation and the ground only touched by nature itself. Harmony...
Harmony?... Well, the residents of this world are thinking a bit different about this place.
What's sure, one thing isn't the same. A creature, not created for this world, but finds himself quite familiar in this environment. Walking on his journey to find his way back home.
Carrying in his hand something, neither his nor this world ever saw before.
Chapters (2)
pretty good so far, work on spelling errors. other than that it's fine.
this chapter got me to track this, but you really need to work on spelling and grammar mistakes. especially when you switch between tenses in the same sentence.
Végre vannak magyarok is ezen az oldalon
great story mate i really wana see how it unfurls
pretty good, moar!
Csak így tovább
The idea is great and all, but you really really REALLY need to work on the grammar.
Greetings, Magyar! I hope 'Magyar' wasn't offense, I'm just trying to sound arrogant for comical effect.
Being that this is your first fic never ask people to 'go easy on you.' I purposefully encourage ruthless criticism. As it stands allow me to help you with some grammatical errors.
First of all you use far to many elipses or ' ... '. It can be fine when used sparingly but you overdo it. Try this The feeling of the warm sun shining at my back, the sound of birds and the wind among the trees, the touch of grass between my fingers makes me sleepy again,' my thoughts slowed. 'I just don't want,' I mentally hesitated, 'to wake' and finally realization hit me, 'up?' Elipses are just akward, especially when in thought. It can be forgiven in dialogue to a limited extent, however. Try to avoid them whenever you can, please.
"Well...from this amount I could at least buy a Twix bar from a wending machine-" It's 'vending' machine, not wending.
Me and my sister could even felt it here, in Canterlot - In English it's grammticaly incorrect to reference yourself before another. One would talk about themselves as 'I' and after all other individuals have been named. It sould be "My sister and I could even felt it here, in Canterlot"
Lastly, you seem to create new paragraphs when there's no need. Unless it's an entirely new paragraph there's no need to press 'enter' and create a new line.
This is going in an interesting direction, however I must attempt you assit you in your grammer.
"-feel was my own hearth beat and the cold." It's 'heart,' not 'hearth.' A hearth is a fireplace
"1 feet..." - 'feet' is plural, the word should be 'foot.' As it is only one. It's curious that you would use an imperial measurement.
"O-okay..." "Yippee. That place is so much FUN." said Fluttershy silently and then Pinkie excitedly. - No. Never have two people speaking in the same sentence. What you have here is a mahor no-no. Also, put commas at the end of your sentences if you're gonig ot descirbe how they talked. The period implies that the description is unrelated to the setence.
I lighted my zippo to see if there is any obstacle on the way. - word 'lighted' should be 'lite.' There are two instances where you use 'lighted,' you should probably fix those. Also, note the incorrect word tense of 'is,' it should be 'was' as this story odviously is in the past tense. I know, English is wierd langauge. Your biggest problem is that you tense you words it the present every so often, instead of that past. Makes things slightly confusing to read.
Hope my wall of text helps.
Interesting - ponies, an OC, a mysterious shiny black gem... and Doctor Who?
Well, I'll give it a chance.
In addition to what Crudric has said:
"If that's what ya want Twi'." said Applejack and adjusted his hat. - "his" is for males. As the mane 6 are clearly female, it should be replaced with "her".
said Fluttershy silently - You can't say something silently. Silent is no sound at all. This should probably be "quietly".
Thanks for the comments and the ratings
4.3... Not Bad *Obama face*
Hmmm, I was hoping for less errors in there.
Thx Crushric and ~Poke~ ;)
('Magyar' is okay by the way. LOL)
But, damn... I really need someone to help me edit.
OK, lets do some changes.
With music... of course:D
YEAH!
MOAR!