The Aisle of Truth
Bullet impacts shook the small concrete shack you had taken cover in. The roaring sound of automatic gun fire echoed in your eardrums, while you contemplated whether you should peek from the small window above you and lay some lead to the general direction of the oncoming fire, or just leg it through the back entrance.
Ending up with the latter option, you bolt from the safety of your haven. In the depths of your simple mind, a plan to flank your enemy is coming to being. You sprint through the rubble of the junkyard, heading for your destination. Arriving to your vantage point, a partly collapsed bridge, you start scanning the area below for your nemesis. You spot a blue spot in the middle of the rubble.
'You should've worn something more camouflaging after all.'
Gripping your R-31N tightly in your hooves, you put your enemy behind the reticle. Slowly, you start squuezing the trigger. You see a flash through the scope on your gun, when something impacts your chest. The world around you goes blurry, when you draw your last breath.
”Another glorious victory!”
The sheer volume of the excited squeal of victory makes your head ache. Well, it sounded more like a foghorn than a squeal. Turning your head to your right, you see the face of the one and only, Princess Moonbum, wearing the smuggest grin you've ever seen. And stupidest.
Sighing, you give a pitiful wave of your hand to signal the clearly superior moon pony your approval to her to savor her victory. With amusement you watch her doing a little victory dance, finishing it with a raspberry at your face.
”So mature.”
”You shall never beat Us in Call of Cutie, not as long as We draw breath!”
”Of course, your highness. You clearly are superior to me and my species, o' great Moonbum.” You state with a roll of your eyes, sarcasm dripping from your voice.
Either your sarcasm fell to deaf ears, or she just ignored you, as she happily danced her way to the TrotBox, which oddly looked similar to Xbox, turning it off. What's with these ponies naming everything after pony related stuff, seriously? That's like if humans called Xbox a JogBox. Or Ponytendo Wii a Persontendo Wii. Or PlayStallion a PlayMale. That last's a bit indecent. How can they not see it!
You'd gotten fairly used to the vocabulary, during the 14 months you've spent in Equestria. You still wouldn't give up on 'someONE' or 'everyONE', etc. Got to keep your PERSONality, after all. Atleast they dont call that 'ponynality'...
You stood up from the comfy sofa, popping your neck and back. Princess Moonbum, a.k.a Princess Luna, though you preferred 'Moonbum', turned to face you, grimacing at the sound your back and neck made. You never really liked to pop your back, neck or anything else for that matter, but when you noticed how much Luna disliked it, you took it as a hobby. You took every possible opportunity to bother the often irritating Mistress of the Moon.
Although the rivalry between the two of you, you two were inseparable. Like peas and carrots. Like the master and the padawan. Like the sun and the moon. Ok, the sun was already taken by her sister, but whatever.
Talking about her sister...
Celestia, or as she nowadays preferred, Molly, was a... complicated case. One morning her mane was just bland pink. All the vivid colors gone from her ever flowing mane. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Her behaviour took a step, or more like a leap, towards the gates of Crazy Mansion. One could hear her cries of pleasure at night, either by her own hoof, or some unfortunate soul who she got her hooves onto. It always made you shudder.
That was before you were flung to the land of ponies. The first time you tried to make contact with the natives, you were knocked unconscious and brought to the two diarchs of the nation. Explaining your case, the royal sisters felt sympathy towards you and offered you a place to stay in the castle during your stay in Equestria. Well, atleast the midnight one felt sympathy. What you could see in the eyes of the radiant white one, was more like lust for exotic meat.
Later Celestia's, or Molly's motives became ominously clear to you. Trying to coax you into activities you were definately not interested with ponies. When that didn't work, she took to habit to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible, whenever possible. In an intimate way.
One night you were running away from the coaxing white bundle of lust, wearing a corset, when you stumbled to a door with a crescent of the moon plastered on it. Without giving it a thought, you barked in and jumped behind the huge bed laying in the room. After a few fearful minutes, you had built up the courage to take a peek, only to be met with teal eyes staring right back at you. After a few minutes of manly screaming, two destroyed flower pots, and a failed attempt to jump off the balcony, you came to a realization, that in fact the bearer of the eyes was Luna, not the white succubus desiring your flesh.
Few totally manly tears, shared life stories and a cup of hot chocolate later the two of you realized how much you had in common, and a beginning of a blooming friendship had sprought to life.
After Luna taking you under her wing, Celestia' attempts to coax you to mature activities had significantly decreased. It seems that she respects her sister too much to try to woo her 'coltfriend' from her, as she states. From since then, she's been more focused on harassing both of you about your 'relationship'.
Now, there's nothing intimate between you and Luna. The only intimate moment you two shared was during the last Heart's Warming eve, when Luna, in a slightly tipsy state, kissed you under a mistletoe.
Snapping out of your musing, you plopped back on to the ever so soft sofa.
”We dislike it, when you do that.” Luna announced plainly.
”We know.” You answered.
”Are you making fun of Us again?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.
”Nay, We're not.”
”We- I hate you sometimes, you know.” She slumped back on to the couch, adorably crossing her forelegs and turning her head away from you with an adorable pout on her face. She looks so adorable when she pouts! Did I mention she's adorable? No? Well, she's definitely adorable.
You swing your right arm around her shoulder while talking in a childish manner.
”Aww, c'mon, replace that frown with a smile.”
The only answer you got, was Luna trying to wiggle out of your grasp. You answered by holding her tighter.
”Fine, I'm sorry I made fun of your choice of words.”
A mere 'humph' was all she let out.
”I've got something right here in my pocket, that might change your mind.”
That sparked her interest.
”You have... them?” She whispered.
”Right here in my pocket.” You said, while patting your pocket with your free hand, grinning vigorously while doing so.
Turning her head towards you, you could see the passion in her eyes. Passion towards gummybears. Those little rubbery delights from Germane were her greatest weakness. And you definitely knew how to use that to your advantage.
Pulling the small bag filled with the said sweets, you swung it slowly in front of the moon princess, her gaze never faltering from the bag.
”You'll get this little baby here if you stop pouting.” You said in a matter of factly tone.
You could see the conflict in her eyes. Choosing between the sugar filled treats and pouting at her best friend. Marginally, sugar won.
Grabbing the bag from your grasp with her magic, she pried it open and started devouring the innocent little bears. Fluttershy would've gotten a stroke.
You wathed her wolf down the sweets, when a thought crossed your mind. A thought that had bothered you for the longest of times. You never really had the will to ask anyone about it. It had kept you awake for countless of nights, or days, as you had altered your sleep schedule to match that of your best friend. The thought of that had gotten unbearable lately. Maybe it was time to take it out on the table. You were sure Luna would have some answers.
”So, Luna. I- I've been wondering something for quite a while.”
She halted her mission of eliminating gummybears and looked up to you.
”What is it you wish to speak about?”
”Uhm, it's something that I've thought a lot of. I've never really told anyone about this.”
Now a little bit of worried of her friend, Luna plaaced the bag of sweets on the coffee table filled with chips and Colt Cola, (Seriously, the hell ponies?) and motioned to you with her hoof, that you had her full attention.
”It's about your sister. Would you happen to know if...” You spaced out.
”Yes?”
”If your sister... does that?” You let out, while turning your head away from the princess, now sitting in the other end of the sofa.
”What exactly do you mean by 'that'? She asked, cocking her eyebrow.
”You know, that.” You say, motioning with your hands and leaning forward, trying to emphasize your point.
Luna's eyes widen when the realization hits her.
”O- oh, you mean that. I- I'm not exactly sure, to be honest.” She says, putting her hoof to her chin in contemplation.
The two of you sit on the sofa, both looking down at your feet/hooves, as a minute of awkward silence slowly passes. You raise your head when Luna starts speaking.
”Maybe... we should try to find out?” She asks tentatively.
”Are you sure? I mean, it's that, after all.”
”Yes, We- I'm quite sure. And now that you mentioned it, I want to find out.” She states, a thirst for adventure in her eyes.
Sighing, you rub your eyes.
”Fine, let's do it then. She should still be awake.”
You rise up from the sofa, heading towards the door, when a blue aura yans you backwards.
”Not so fast, we need something to camouflage us.” Luna states, grinning.
You wonder what she means with that for a moment, when a grin matching that of the princess' finds it's way on to your face.
You both bolt towards Luna's wardrobe.
The white, shady, marble halls of the Canterlot Castle were silent, as two figures sneaked through them. Their eyes searcing their prey, their ears at alert.
A horrible scream, followed by whispered cussing, filled the halls.
”You clumsy ape!” You hear Luna whisper-shout from behind you.
”It's not my fault your camouflage uniforms are not fitted for me!” You answer, mathing her tone of voice.
The berating you're getting is interrupted by a gruff shout coming down the hall, followed by clopping of hooves.
”Who's there?”
”Crap, let's leg it.” You whisper-shout again, as you feel Luna's magic pulling you up from the not-so-comfy floor.
”In here!” you hear Luna call further down the hall.
You start running towards the door that Luna helds open for you. Sparing a glance behind you, you can see the shadows of the two guards coming towards you from behind the corner, their spears pointing threateningly towards anything that might jump on them from the shadows.
You reach the door Luna is holding open, and see a glance of a banana plastered on it. Not giving it a thought worth of a single brain cell, you jump into the dark room, followed by camo-cloaked Luna. As the clopping of hooves approaches from the corridor, you feel the hair on your neck rise. The guards have stopped in front of the door and you can hear them talking.
”Do you think somepony went in there?” You hear the same gruff one that shouted after you, asking his partner.
”I'm not even sure if you actually heard anypony. You sure it's not your imagination running wild again?” Answered a slightly high pitched voice, that of a female.
Hey, I'm quite sure my it wasn't any of my imaginary friends. Besides, they wouldn't be allowed in the castle anyway.
A slight chuckle comes from the other side of the door.
”I think our princess wouldn't mind getting to know your imaginary friends.”
You shudder at that statement, and feel Luna do the same, huddling herself beside you as the two of you had taken cover behind what seemed to be a wooden box. Hard to tell in the dark. You hear the mare continue.
”Besides, I'm not going in there, nuh-uh, no way that's going to happen. That's where she keeps them.”
What's 'them'?, you think to yourself.
”You're right.” The gruff one says. ”Let's go continue our round, I don't want to be here any longer than necessary.”
The sound of hooves against marble is getting further away, as you rise from your cover.
”Hey Moonbum, some light?”
A faint blue glow illuminated the area around you, revealing several crates around you, and the object you were looking for, a light switch.
”Why does it look like a banana? And why is it so sticky?” You think to yourself, while clicking the switch.
Light flooded the room the two of you took shelter in, revealing a stack after stack of wooden crates. There was a faint stench to the air, it smelled just like banana and... fish.
You walk to one of the crates and pry it open. As you guessed, the interior was filled with bananas.
”That explains the light switch. This is where she keeps her bananas.”
At this point Luna had catched up with you, glaring at the content of the crate.
”Ugh, 'Tia's hoard of bananas. I despise these fruits from Tartarus.” She says face full of disgust.
”They're not my favourite either, but I wouldn't go as far as despising them.”
”You don't want to know what different kind of uses she has for these.”
”I've got some sort of an idea...” You say, shuddering at the memory.
Your conversation about the yellow fruits comes to a halt when you once again hear the clopping of hooves from the corridor. You see Luna storming behind a stack of crates and follow suit. From behind the crates you can hear the door opening and someone entering the room. The pony you were looking for.
”It's my sister.” You hear Luna whispering.
”Shut up or she'll find us. We may have a chance to witness that.” You snap at Luna.
Sweat starts to form on your face, as you hear the goddess of the sun getting closer to your little hiding place. She starts to whistle a happy tune, while searching the room for something. At the other end of the room there's a straight aisle leading through the crates filled with bananas. You see Celestia heading towards the aisle, that has a sign hanging above the entrance, reading 'Highway to Heaven'
”Ponies don't even have highways...”
Celestia enters the aisle, glancing the crates when passing by. Now, the aisle is very narrow, narrow enough that a pony couldn't turn around in it. But as a human, you could.
Humans – 1, Ponies – 0
You leer from behind the crate, seeing the glorious posterior of the diarch. You don't really want to watch it wiggle, but this is for the research, god damn it!
You hear a faint 'A-ha!' from her as she gets to the end of the aisle. She picks something up with her mouth, presumably a banana.
”Oh my god, is it really happening?” You ask, voice quivering.
”I- I think it is.” Luna whispers besides you.
”After all these months, I'm finally getting the answer.” You state as if you had found a cure to cancer.
You see Luna's ear twitch.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
”Do you hear something?” You ask, your voice full of hope.
”I- I'm not sure. Maybe?”
BEEP BEEP BEEP
”I think I hear something now.” She states.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
”I think I hear something too.” You state, eyes widening.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
”There it is again!” Your camouflaged companion shouts, forgetting that you were supposed to stay undercover.
”Keep it down, you'll blow us!” You angrily snap at her. ”You'd be the worst agent ever. Or ninja. Or agent-ninja.”
”Well excuse me if atleast somepony's excited about this.” You hear her snap back at you, but you ignore her as you resume to listen to the sound that's getting gradually louder.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP
”She's soon here, get a move on that flank of yours!” You tell your companion, while bolting to the door to relative safety. You see the door getting enveloped in a blue aura just before opening, and you're outside the room.
You hear the sound coming to an abrupt stop, while sprinting towards Luna's quarters.
”Huh, I could've sweared I heard Lulu and her coltfriend. Oh well, they were probably just having some fun. Maybe I should punish them for doing it in my banana chamber.” Mused the white alicorn to herself in the middle of her beloved bananas.
You were sweaty, drained and wearing an extremely uncomfortable uniform made for ponies. But you had completed your mission with success. That's all that mattered at this point. Although, a little bit of you felt hollow inside. Getting the answer to your question after of so many months. It felt... conflicting. Laying next to you on the dark blue satin bed was your faithful companion, wearing a camo-cloak, which by the way, made her look adorable. Well, you thought that any kind of clothing on any pony looked adorable. Except what Celestia usually wore, when she wore clothing.
”I can't believe she actually does that.” You manage to say after finally catching your breath.
”Me neither. We just witnessed something that the ponykind has pondered on for centuries.” You hear Moonbutt reply, still slightly panting.
”We just rewrote the history.”
”That's why we may never talk about this to anypony. I don't know how the citizens would react.” Luna says, emphasizing the point. You were clever enough to keep this to yourself.
”Yeah, I can't believe Celestia actually beeps when she backs up.”
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LOLWUT
BEEP
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HONKHONKHONKHONK
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*plops over, dies laughing*
i totally saw this on 'askprincessmolestia'
great story too
you earned yourself a follow! it'd be awesome if you could make a few other short stories about those tumblr posts
2125789 Thanks!
Maybe I will in the future if inspiration bites me again. 
Are they referring princess celestia FAT?!!
, dan great story, and moarrr
A few mistakes, but it was good for a laugh. Loved the punchline.