Crimson Fire was just a homeschooled alicorn, but after countless hours of begging his mother, she finally allowed him to go to normal school. He was accepted into ponyville high (with most of the other ponies too). So with facing bullies, crushes, an embarrassing mother, dubstep and more. It looks like Crimson is in for a crazy ride. Rated Teen for a few scenes and moments.
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Hmmm, O.C alicorn, bad start. Now lets see what else about your story that is going to piss people off...
Geez dude, they are called exclamation marks for a reason. You don't need to caps lock excited dialogue.
One thing that is also bugging me... The mom keeps calling him son, give him a pet name and her dialogue and character will be more believable.
Oops ya forgot a line here
... Well, as long as you keep up the pace I really don't see quite the typical character here. In fact, this is pretty awesome. There are a few kinks that you would need a proofreader to help you with, for instance there are some grammar errors and stuff like that, but I mean, I like the premise. It's the first time I've read and O.C alicorn story that actually works, there is so much to work off of. That point given, there are some mean and truthful things about this story. It is an O.C alicorn... Often these get passed over pretty quickly, but because I am impressed by this story I might actually help you out a bit. Send me a message if you want a review or proofreader, I am more than willing to help. Shoot, if you keep writing like this I might even promote your story.
To explain why this works as an Alicorn O.C, the character is rather believable. I can believe that maybe there could have been a closeted Alicorn somewhere in Equestria, and the way you wrote it, it made it very believable. The only thing i don't like, you need to make the mother's dialogue and character a little more defined. The one thing, that baffles me is the fact no other pony was even remotely shocked that there was an alicorn walking their streets. But praise the gods, you have to be pretty good at writing to impress me with your first fic. I'm a hard boiled asshole critic who poke holes in stories just to be mean. Which I did that in this story, but this is the first one that is rather original when it comes to O.C alicorns.
Final Verdict: Ugh Fucking O.C alicorn great... wait this is great... Oh fuck Imma catch flak for this one...
Reads like a massive pile of self-insertion. That's bad.
Things to work on:
Your OC's name. Seriously, who names their kid "Red Fire"? Not even ponies, man.
"homeschooled alicorn". Well, at least you're not angsty royalty. PLAUSIBLE
"wing boners, dubstep and more". Very cliché. Tell me why your story is different from the other dozens of high school fics.
being home schooled is not fun at all, trust me, I'm home schooled and I have to work everyday
Not bad! Your OC is likeable, and you've avoided making some of the more common beginner mistakes. In particular you've got the pacing down well - it doesn't feel like your story rushes to the end, which is a common problem for beginners.
The relationship between Crimson and his mother feels a little strange. On the one hoof she's a loving mother, and on the other, she's kept him in the house for almost his entire life? It seems to me like that would totally mess a child up. But, that aside, I liked the school scenes, especially given the interesting character choices.
A few criticisms:
You use 'your' in several places where you need 'you're'.
Technically, ponies have a coat; the skin is underneath that. Also, you might want to avoid descriptors like 'nice' - they don't actually add anything to the description except the author's opinion.
It's unusual to have a capital letter in the middle of a name, even for ponies; 'Mr Stronghoof' is fine.
Your speech often feels flat because you don't use correct punctuation - in particular, question marks. This is a question so it needs a question mark. It makes a difference to the way readers hear the voice.
It's called a timetable. :)
Aside from that, it's not bad, keep going!
You do a good chop man hold it that way Brohoove
Crimson has a crush on Vinyl!
Awsome part man. hold the good work
Hey Axius read part 3 then u know it to 200%. I like part 3 its good how do i found it if u read