Slumber Party Disaster?
It was a normal day in Ponyville. The sky's were clear as they can be courtesy from our very own Rainbow Dash. The fasted pegasus in all of Equestria! The forests are chirping with happy little critters thanks to Fluttershy. The apples seem ripe and ready to be bucked but no problem for Apple Jack. There are a few sad ponies out there but Pinkie will turn those frowns upside down for them. And Rarity has just blessed a, now happy, mare a new beautiful dress in a low price. Lets not forget our very own Twilight Sparkle and Spike.
"Yes this is the limited edition. I just got it yesterday." Twilight explained and smiled.
Cheerilee squealed. "Thank you Twilight! i'll return it by Friday! Oh, Hay Bradberry is my favorite author!"
Twilight nodded and did a fan filly scream. "Oh I know! I love his work 'Nightmare Tree'. It was amazing!"
Cheerilee nodded and waved while walking out of the store.
"Goodbye, Twilight! Thank you again!"
"No problem!" Twilight called back while waving a hoof. "Have a nice day!"
Spike yawned as he walked down the stairs.
"Peace and quiet at last-"
CRASH!
"TWILIGHT!OHMYGOSHMARREEIHAVENTSEENYOUINLIEFOREVERHOWAREYOU!"
"PINKIE PIE! FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE SPEAK LIKE A PONY!"
"Oh right! Sorry!"
Twilight sighed face hoofed. "What is it, Pinkie?"
Pinkie smiled. "Let's have a...wait for it." Pinkie jumped in the air while confetti popped out of nowhere. "SLUMBER PARTY!"
Spike looked confused. "Where did the confetti come from?"
Twilight shook her head. "Don't question her, Spike. It'll only confuse you even more."
Pinkie pie grinned. "So, what do ya say?" She whispered energetically.
Twilight smiled and said. "Sure! That sounds like fun! What do you think Spike?"
"I don't know-"
"Rarity will be there."
"I'm in!"
Pinkie smiled. "Great! We'll have it here! I'll invite Rainbow Dash, Apple Jack, and Fluttershy. Sweetie Belle can sleep at Apple Jack's barn!" she stated in a matter of seconds. Twilight was used to Pinkies ramblings so she understood each word.
Twilight nodded and said. "Great! You do that! I'll get this place ready!"
"Okay!" Pinkie called as she exited the library.
Twilight sudenly had a confident and determined look in her eyes. Which, on Spike's note, could only mean!
"Spike! Cleaning time!"
Great.
Pinkie skipped-er...galloped across the streets of Ponyville waving hi to anyone she could.
First stop: Apple Jack!
As she walked toward the barn she saw Big Mac helping fluttershy with her groceries.
Teehee...I am so gonna tease her about this later
Since Fluttershy was closer, she decided to calmly call her and Big Mac over.
"HEY FLUTTERSHY! FLUTTERSHY! WOO HOO! OVER HERE, SHY! HELLO~!
"Oh dear." Fluttershy muttered. She turned to Big Mac and smiled.
"Thank you for your help Macintosh. It was nice of you." She said while nuzzling him
Big Mac couldn't help but blush as her mane tickled his neck.
"E-Eyup!" he squeaked out.
Fluttershy hesitated before she galloped to Pinkie.
'Maybe someday, Big Mac.' He thought to himself.
" Oh, Uh...Yes, Pinkie Pie?" Fluttershy asked the pink maned pony timidly.
Pinkie Pie jumped and skipped around Fluttershy. "Fluttershy~! Thank goodness! I thought for a second you didn't hear me. Whew!"
Fluttershy looked a bit shocked at that statement. Is she serious? Princess Luna probably heard her!
"Um what did you want to talk to me about?"
Pinkie smiled. "Would you like to come to a slumber PARTY!?!"
Fluttershy smiled. "That sounds like fun. I'll be there. Are we having it at Sugar Cube Corner?"
"Oh no! it's at Twi's library!" Pinkie exclaimed. Fluttershy smiled and nodded. "Let's go tell the others." she said.
"APPLE JACK!"
"OOF!"
"Oh-Oh my, Apple Jack. Are you alright?"
Apple Jack got off of the ground after having her head hit by an apple.
"Yeah a'm fine." She said while rubbing her head. "Pinkie! Why'd ya scream like that!?"
Pinkie giggled. "Sorry!"
Apple jack sighed and smiled. "So, whats up?"
"Well...uh-"
"SLUMBER PARTY AT TWILIGHT'S HOUSE! YOU COMING!?" Pinkie exclaimed cut Fluttershy off.
Apple Jack at to put her composure back after that. "Uh...sure?"
Pinkie squealed. "Great! Let's go get Rarity!" After that she skipped toward Rarity's boutique.
Apple Jack leaned towards Fluttershy. "Has she been havin' those darn sugar loaded cakes again?"
Fluttershy looked worried. "Oh, I hope not. Last time that happened...well...I don't even want to say it." She muttered.
Apple Jack nodded in agreement. "A'm with ya mare."
"C'MON MARES! WE GOT TO HURRY UP IF WE WANNA REACH RAINBOW'S HOUSE IN TIME!"
Both mares sighed at the same time and followed the pink dynamite to Rarity's boutique.
"Oh no no no! This piece should be there! Ugh! This is all wrong! Ah! Perfect!" Rarity rambled as she tested out different pieces of clothes on the working progress of a new dress.
"RARITY!"
"AH!"
Pinkie busted in the boutique screaming causing Rarity to bump into her shelf and have all of the fabric fall on her.
Apple Jack busted out laughing with Pinkie Pie giggling.
"Oh dear! Rarity! Are you alright?" Fluttershy asked helping Rarity up.
Rarity smiled at her. "Thank you, dear." She then glared at the other two. "At least some of us have manners." The other two just snickered and acted innocent.
"Gee, sorry Rare." Pinkie said giggling but sincerely.
Rarity laughed a bit. "It's alright Pinkie. Well, what was so important that you had to barge in here." She said.
Apple Jack smirked. "Well! Pinkie Pie, invited us to Twi's house for a slumber party. Wanna come?" She asked in her normal country accent.
Rarity nodded. "Definitely! Just let me pack a few things. Oh i might need this, heh. Can't have a slumber party without a good facial treatment. Oh! These pajamas are fabulous!" Rarity rambled on. The others looked at each other and nodded.
2 minutes of struggling later
"AH! WAIT! I WASN'T DONE PACKING! GALSS!"
"SHUT UP PRIMA DONNA!"
Pinkie giggled. "NEXT STOP; RAINBOW DASH!"
whew!
The wind past threw rainbow dash's rainbow mane as she soared through the sky.
She smiled 'Soarin...'
Rainbow shook her head. 'No! Bad, Rainbow Dash! No thinking about him! Focus on your goal! Besides...! It's not like he notices you anyway...
"RAINBOW DASH! DOWN HERE!" Pinkie screamed causing Rainbow to snap out of her thoughts.
"Pinkie Pie?" She asked herself curiously as she landed.
"Hey gals! Whats up?"
Rarity smiled. "Well Twilight's having a slumber party and we wanted to know if you'd like to join us." She stated.
Rainbow nodded. "Sure! Sounds like fun!"
Pinkie jumped for the 100th time. "Great! C'mon!"
Rainbow smiled but gasped soon after. "Oh shit!"
"Rainbow Dash! Language!" Rarity scolded but Rainbow ignored her.
"Derpy's in charge today! I need to make sure she doesn't do anything that will mess up the weather!"
"Aww..." Pinkie whined.
Apple jack interrupted. "Now wait a sec, Sugar cube. It sounds like ya'll are worried about Derpy here. But you don't gotta worry! She's gonna do mighty fine! After all, she is a pegasus after all. And you showed her exactly what you could. No need ta' worry."
Fluttershy nodded. "That is true, Rainbow. Also, it's not like you have to be there. It's your day off. And there are a lot of others that are working with Derpy. She'll be fine."
Pinkie smiled. "Yeah! Come on! PUHLEAASEEE! OH WE CAN HAVE A TEA PARTY WITH EACH OTHER! OH OH OH! LET'S NOT FORGET THE TRADITIONAL PILLOW FIGHT! AHHH! HOW! ABOUT! BAKING!"
Rainbow sighed. Maybe they were right.
"Alright. I'll go!"
Rarity smiled. "Great! Cause I have a new dress that needs a model~"
Dash winced. "What did i get myself into!"
"There all done! Good job, Spike!" Twilight praised.
Spike pushed his chest out a bit. "Thanks! So when will the rest be here?"
"Oh any minute-"
"TWILIGHT I GOT THEM~"
"Or now." she muttered.
"Hey, Twi!"
"He-Hello, Twilight."
"Oh hello, Twilight!"
"Howdy Twi!"
"Twilight~ I got them~"
Twilight sighed. "I can see that, Pinky."
"Hi Rarity." Spike said in a dreamy voice. Rarity smiled and patted his head. "Hello, Spike!"
Rainbow coughed. "Well! I came here for a party and I expect one!"
Twilight and Pinkie smirked.
"Alright!" Twilight started.
"LET'S PARTY!" Pinkie screamed following a row of cheers.
"Derpy! Be careful! I need you to push the wind moderator and put a bit enchantment sparkles! You think you can do that?" Thunder Lane called.
Derpy walked towards the machine. "Dur, OKAY!"
By mistake she put the lever on high and knocked the all the enchantment sparkles in.
"Uh oh."
"Hey guys...Hasn't it gotten a bit windy?" Twilight asked. The mares nodded in agreement.
Apple Jack looked outside the window and gasped.
"IT'S A TWISTER! AND A MIGHTY BIG ONE AT THAT!"
Rainbow Dash's eyes widened.
"Oh no..."
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it was pretty good i want to see what happens next
Okay as the president of the Alicorn Rainbow fanclub and seeing as this has allusion that she will become one I felt it was my duty to read this fic, this is what I thought.
1) Describe everything in more depth, (use more adjectives) and slow down the passing. Not much happened true, but it still felt rushed somehow.
2) Why does it has a human tag, that is a big turn off?
3) What happened here kind of felt relevant. You may think it is necessary as a back-story for what happens next, but trust me it's not. Try in media res it is a good solid technique that takes us right to the interesting part of the story and leave the readers with the question on their lips of "how did this happen" and trust me that is a good thing. That's why back-stories are unnecessary. You need to make your readers want more and honestly I didn't.
4) I want to say that this is an interesting story that has potential but honestly I can't see any. Yet I don't want you to stop writing stories just because your fist attempt sucks, people always suck the first time they try something. Just practice practice practice and this is a good place to practice in.
2139522
well thank you for the feed back but for the flashbacks I was going to give more in the slumber parties. Also the human tag was actually an accident I took that off. But thanks for it. I'm only thirteen so im not sure I think I need to retype it on word since I'm more comfortable in it. I write my best works on it.
2143142
1) The human tag is not off yet.
2) 13 that's young. And with in media res I was just suggesting that you started at the transformation scene and went forward from there. Remember less is more, don't tell your readers everything.
2145804
Actually that's a really good idea!thank you
....Interesting. I'll favorite it to see what happens.
Looking forward to what's next.
2154215
What he said
The premise seems.....familiar.
You really want avoid sentences or phrases like this. This isn't an anime where you get visual cues nor does everyone who read know exactly what this means. Just say that Fluttershy looked nervous or embarrassed. Whichever fits best.
2176702
Ha! You're right! I'm just so used to writing like that! Thank you
2179512 No problem. The easiest way to avoid that is reread as you write them. Some find saying them out loud helpful, but basically reread and make sure it fits in with the theme of the story being written. Helps keep things from getting weird. Like having Shakespearian English being used along side gangsta style talking.
Oh and at the risk of sounding like a ponce, remember criticism is your friend. I've seen several people on here who can't bear to hear bad things said about their works and stuff their fingers in their ears, ignoring the fact that you can't get better without having the flaws in your stories pointed out.
That said, don't let them act like absolute jackasses even if they are giving constructive criticism.
More please!
One word. MOOOOOAAAAAARRRR!!!!!
That... was... AWESOME!!!! You better write more
When's the next one? Rainbow Dash being a princess would totally be so awesome!
AWESOME!!! So, what's next?
Found quite a few errors, which I think I'll point out for you. I'm not trying to be a hater, I'm just trying to help, don't be made at me
!
I believe you mean skies.
Applejack's name is Applejack, not Apple Jack.
Let's, I believe that's what you mean?
May want to slip one of these ' in there, (I believe you meant Pinkie's?)
Capitalization… it is a friend.
Missing a " (quotation mark).
May need a period there…
This sentence felt… really… awkward.
You a word accidentally and I believe your good friend Capitalization is feeling a little lonely.
You'll want to capitalize that lonely I. And just fyi, there are many lonely I's that would like to visit your friend Capitalization.
I believe Thunder Lane is supposed to be Thunderlane…?
And overall, if this is your first fic, I recommend the Writer's Guide. It helps! Oh God, this comment is really long, I'm sorry
And one more thing… MOAR!!!
MOARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
Uhhhhh I've been waiting forever for the new chapter when is it COMING OUT!!!!!
I need more of this! When is the next chapter coming out? It's driving me crazy!
Is this story still alive?
Moreee
MORE
4866682 OMG thank you so much! God I haven't even continued this story in so long! I'll definitely re write it when I have the time! Thanks so much sweetie! :3 You bae.
Is this still alive?
Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnddddddddd? Is this thing still going or what?
Is this still alive because I want read more to see what happens next.