This is the story of 47
No no no, not the 47 everyone thinks. This guy is a lot different
He's a news reporter until things went very bad. Now he's out for revenge and with the help of some misfits and er... Nightmare Moon(?) he will lead a revolution, save some folks and who knows, maybe pass out in few ditches along the way.
Also murder. Because why the buck not!? :D
And a lot thanks goes to Chaos Eclipsed for the wonderful OCD editing he did to the story in our shop class. Hey if it was not for him you would barely be able to read it
Chapters (2)
It's a good Idea I really like it cant wait to see were this is going
*Head Explodes* somepony liked my story malfunction error error nawh im just playing with ya thanks for fave and like and that follow i knew i could spell that eventually
well anyway welcome to my own little fucked up world i call my stories 
Thought this was a pretty good beginning. Wish you had a cover page for the story though. You've got potential, and don't worry about the downvotes. Just recently got my first panned story just because people didn't like the cover pic and pretty certain didn't bother to check it out. Keep it going kid.
2114287
Thanks a bunch im trying to find cover as type this comment but i cant find one i like yet but if have any suggestions feel free to message me link i would be happy to look them over
2114312 If you can work MS Paint, what I suggest for a cover is a white background and you see the back of a pony's neck with a bar code.
2114355
You know what i will take a crack at it and once again thanks for input and everything. Every bit helps
2114383 No prob. Had a rough day with my story. Just trying to help someone out with theirs.
2114395
do you mind if i give it read idk why i am asking but i am lol
2114404 Sure. It's the most recent story on my profile. It was created for someone as a Valentine's Day gift and included their OC's as the main characters. I'm fairly certain they hate it just because her character was originally designed to have hair like Rainbow Dash's. Hay, I even came up with a neat story to explain how that happened! She's definitely not a Mary Sue with the way I write her.
gasps*
You gives me credits?
Also, barely*
Barley, as you put it, is a member of the grass family and a major cereal grain. Big difference, ya know. There are some other things I REALLY want to point out in that last part of the description, but I'll leave it alone.
And I am not OCD.
2117520
heh fair enough and you may not be OCD happy now
UPDATE! IF YOU EVER HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR COMPLAINTS FEEL FREE TO VOICE THEM!.....If that's (mumbles) alright with you
Howdy, there! WRITE's FoughtDragon01 is here to give you a helping hand with this story of yours. Let's not waste any time and dive right in.
The Front Page:
Since this is undoubtedly going to be the first thing your readers will see, it's incredibly important to have a front page that excels at capturing their attention, otherwise, what reason will they have to read it? The cover art seems to check out just fine, but that's not what I'm really concerned about here. No, I'm looking at the description. While it's not the worst I've seen, it could still be better. Put simply, it's just boring, and I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing. Let me take a moment to explain.
First off, I hope that you're not just calling him 47 just so you could make a Hitman reference. As someone who hasn't read the story yet, that's how it comes across to me. Secondly, even after reading the description, I barely have a clue what this story is even supposed to be about.
So, this pony, a news reporter, leads a revolution with Nightmare Moon (I’d spend half of the review questioning how that’s even possible, but I think this has something do with a universe I know nothing about), because… why? What exactly is his motivation for this? Is it for revenge, or just shits and giggles? You say that things went bad for him, but bad how? Did he get laid off? Was an interview interrupted by an assassination attempt? What exactly was ‘bad’ about what happened? I’m not saying to give me the entire story, but you have to clue me in, a reader who is unfamiliar with your work, somehow.
Also, emoticons. Big no-no. That’s the sort of thing that will have people reaching for the thumbs down button before they even read the first chapter. If you don’t want that to happen, then get rid of the emoticon.
Now, that’s enough with the front page. Let’s move on to the story.
Punctuation & Grammar:
Before I get started, I just want to say how I appreciate your honesty in saying how this story would’ve been unreadable if you didn’t get help. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t get more help. Just looking at the first few lines of the first chapter, I see punctuation errors, grammar errors, and several tense changes. If you only had one editor help you, I’d advise you get more. After all, the more eyes you have look at your work, the more mistakes you’ll find. With that said, let’s focus on fixing what needs to be fixed, starting with the big one: tense changes.
Now, the very first paragraph is in the present tense (she goes, he says, etc.). Since I and other readers are generally used to the past tense (she went, he said, etc.), it was a bit jarring, but I let it slide. Then I see it shift back and forth between past and present tense. Take this littlie snippet for example.
Do you see the issue? You switched between the past and present tense frequently in this little exchange alone. That would be enough to make any reader stop reading right then and there, myself included. It's not only jarring, but it also hints that the author didn't care enough to even bother reading over his own work, so why should we care enough to read it? From what I've seen after skimming through the rest of this chapter, you primarily stick to the past tense, so do that. Stick to the past tense. Re-read over everything you've written and make sure it's all in the past-tense. Your story is bound to flow much more smoothly if you do.
Onto the punctuation. Now, not exactly being an English teacher, I can't necessarily explain in great detail why you need commas where you do, but just know that you do need them, but don't have them. Let's look at that snippet from above (this time, with it in the past tense).
I find that the easiest way to figure out when and where to put commas is to read what you have out loud to yourself. If it sounds like you have to pause at a certain point, you most likely need a comma at that point. It also helps you to spot any awkward phrasings or sentence structures. Trust me, it does you wonders. You already had the help of one editor, so why not get another? After all, you can never have too much help.
The Story:
Now, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage here. After all, I get the feeling that this takes place within the canon of a universe I'm unfamiliar with, so I can't exactly call you out on any canon inconsistencies, such as Celestia killing POWs left and right. However, I can tell you this much: your pacing is faster than Sonic on crack.
Within the first chapter, we go from 47 waking up to his kind family, to him going to work, to him getting knocked out and dragged away to Celestia's dungeon where he and his family face execution. All in less than a thousand words, mind you. I probably don't have to explain why I'm having a bit of difficulty following the plot, but I'm going to anyway.
To begin with, you spend almost no time whatsoever establishing 47's character. Yes, I know he's a news reporter. Yes, I know he's the loving father/husband of a loving family. But do I know much else besides that? Not really. What are his likes? What are his dislikes? Does he have any hobbies outside of work and home? Hell, does he even like his job. That's be interesting, don't ya think? Having a cutie mark that represents something you hate? But now I'm just getting side tracked.
Because you spent no time establishing his character, I have no time to relate to him, and as a result, I simply don't care about what happens to him. This is a writing no-no. If I don't care for the character, if I don't feel engrossed in the conflicts he's facing, if I'm not interested, then what reason do I have to keep reading?
And before you go off to fix this, no, I don't mean explain his entire character to me through a huge info dump at the start of the first chapter. That'd actually be worse. Instead, before all of the crap hits the fan, take your time. Have a few peaceful scenes of him with his family, not just one. Take the time to have a few scenes that establish his likes and dislikes. Does he like to drink? Then have a scene of him having a good old time at the local bar. Is he more of a musician in his spare time? Have a scene of him teaching his kid how to play the violin, trombone, or the tuba, or something. These scenes may not sound very important, but they are. They establish things. They allow me to relate to the character, and maybe even grow attached to him. That way, when something bad does finally happen to him, I'll actually care. As it is now, I don't care, and as I've already said, that's a problem that you need to fix.
If you need something for reference, you've literally got thousands of fantastic stories to choose from on the site alone. Read them. Note what the authors do and don't do in order to make their stories great. Hell, get a co-writer if you think that'll help you, just don't call it quits just because your start was rough, because guess what? It's rough for everybody.
Goodbye, and best of luck to you.
~FoughtDragon01– WRITE's Pet Grammar Nazi
2167681 tl;dr Kidding, I read it.
Firstly, I wasn't jarred by the tense changes too badly, but I was focused on punctuation, spelling, capitalization and general understandability when I helped him edit it.
Second, this guy straight does not care about likes or dislikes. he will post whatever the
he wants, regardless of consequences. Check his real life for an example of this. I know the guy. I'm friends with him. He is a brony, a bisexual, an open satanist 
, for a brief time he was a furry artist and he is, to this day, a known not-giver-of-
s. That emoticon is debatable as to whether it stays or goes. Very few -- if any -- 
s will be given by the author either way.
Thirdly, he totally did 47 just to reference hitman.
Other than the name, though, there's no connection. Besides, he's told me that he's horrible with original names.
However, 2129109, your pacing is shite. Yeah. Not shit, shite. I read that mess. I know, because this makes me feel better about my story. Thanks, by the way. ...And you changed the barley into barely. *nods* You're learning.
Back to FoughtDragon01, there is no canon. There is no fanon. There's not even head-canon involved in this. This is being made up as he goes. The time, the setting, how everyone/pony is behaving, everything. Expect nothing, because the unexpected is this story. No matter what you try to expect, you will not expect this story. That complaint about the front page? That's all he knows about this thing, so how can we get anything else?
Lastly, that is an awesome avatar.
Don't mind me i'm just running around like sonic on crack
and thanks man i guess i have no clue how to feel about comment but chapter 3 is ready and the usual fucks i had to give were thrown out of the window
and they were lost forever maybe my might do something with chapter 4 fucks that's is constructive but why start now besides giving fuck makes me sick sometimes 
okay most of the time well that's it for me DO A BARREL ROLL!! *Preforms barrel roll* whoa man that was close! by the was i dropped some eridum and it hit lone wander in the head and a dog ate his corpse and dragon born rode that dog across civil war battle grounds and then got shot in the head by master chief and the master chief was stabbed by ezio who was stabbed by Morgan freeman who was befriended by Gordon freeman and then they fell through orange portal into water temple that Morgan freeman (god) solved in ten seconds flat and then they both went and banged Zelda Link cried end of story. (no grammar i know once again i threw the fucks out the window 
)
with lots of love and tolerance your friendly Brony Satanist
2181079 Do I need to start editing your comments, too? This. Is. Shameful.
Everyone, this is what I, as his editor, have to deal with. Imagine this story, written with that grammar. Yeah. And I'm doing this because I'm friends with this guy, WHO STILL HASN'T BROUGHT ME EDITOR COOKIES!
I didn't even ask for the cookies; those were his idea.
Also, I managed to understand every word of that minor short story in that comment, so let's do this shit. *Cracks neck and knuckles*
I dropped some eridium and it hit the Lone Wanderer on the head. It killed him, then a dog ate his corpse and the Dragonborn (Dohvakiin) rode that dog across a few civil war battlegrounds. They then got shot in the head by Master Chief right before Master Chief was stabbed by Ezio who was then stabbed by Morgan freeman (stabception). Morgan Freeman was befriended by Gordon freeman and then they fell through an orange portal and out of a blue potal into the water temple. Morgan freeman (god, if that wasn't obvious) solved the temple's puzzles in ten seconds flat. With that done, they both went and banged Zelda. Link cried. The end.
(In order: Borderlands 2, Fallout 3, Skyrim, Halo, Assassin's creed, Half-life, Portal, Legend of Zelda.
Plus: Morgan Freeman, an mlp reference, civil war battlegrounds and a dog that likes to eat human corpses.
Added by me: a meme, grammar and a lack of sanity. Oh wait, that was already there.)
*Disclaimer for ALL of the above.*
The shit I have to put up with...