I saw her there her mane as black as the night. she was crying
so i want to say i'm sorry beforhand for the bad story if its bad
1 this was a spur of the moment thing
2 I don't have an editer
3 i've never taken a writing class so i was just winging it
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First off. I wing it alot too
Please don't hate me.
But i'm a bit more successful at it then you
First off the story line has a lot of potential, but it wasn't executed properly.
Okay, the first thing storywise is that there's no setting. yes you mention that it's on the moon, but what it it like? for all i know there is a constant barrage of candy filled jelly balls. Tell me what it's like, is it cold, hot, dark, scary. Are there flesh eating monsters that are trying to give you ballons filled with cream paste? i need to know becouse the setting is partly the way the reader connects with the story.
Also, not to be rude, but your description of Luna kind of sucked, and who is Starfisher? where is she from? why was she on the moon? what does she look like?
it's questions like this, that you need to ask yourself. Do you know the character as well as you do yourself? if not than it's not good enough.
I'm sorry if i'm being long winded but if you want i can take the story into a word doc and really dig into it, correcting grammar mistakes cuz there were alot and making it so that the story makes sense. you have a good story, it just needs a little push
Thanks
I don't know why this has so many damn dislikes, but this is amazing in its own way. I happened to find this and I was surprised. Utterly shocked at the way it was written, and the grammatical errors don't matter; it was beautiful. The feelings put into this were strong and beautiful. And Starfisherー I loved the way she/he was written. I don't know why people should be disappointed at her lack of background, but I love the mysterious aura of her. I could almost feel the tightness of the bond between Luna and Starfisher. When I read a story, I try to imagine how it would feel to be the main character, in this case, Starfisher. The pain of losing someone you love gets to you, and I could see and feel that string pain. Ignore whatever espreeses1 said; just the fact that Luna said "I'm lonely" brought the setting of the moon and the descriptions of it to life (sorry, espreeses1). Also, ignore what they say about not liking Luna's character in the story; it's a fanfiction, and thus it shouldn't matter, because she is how you see her. You are you, and there's nothing that can change that. And no, I'm nowhere NEAR done. This story completely changes my perspective of Luna's banishment. As I mentioned before, I feel the pain that Starfisher felt at losing Luna, though she/he knew that it was only best. Then to see Luna bring havoc to Equestria, after all the years that she was imprisoned, must have really been terrible, because Starfisher knew that it wasn't who she really was. I LOVE the ending, their reunion, the way it just ended and allowed the reader to continue to their liking ("you decide what happens next"). I really, really hate the fact that there are so many dislikes. I see only grammar getting in the way of this story's publicity (and it could use some cover art, too). If you'd like, I'd be extremely happy to edit this for you. I see much, much potential in you, and if you continue in the path you're going, you're sure to become one hell of a writer.
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I'm really, really sorry about this, and it's nothing personal, but, come on, really? Use some common sense.
I'm sorry again, but, it's up to the writer to decide how they see a certain character; the reader is the one who interprets the writer's perspective. Also, Starfisher. If you didn't notice by the name, "star fisher." By the story (the part where Starfisher is asked by Luna to pull the stars to the moon, initiating the portal for her escape) and my own knowledge, I'm guessing a starfisher is some sort of magical figure that has the ability to mobilize or move stars.
I'm very sorry to contradict your comment, and I very well see the basis for you concerns, and though it's not my place to criticize or judge comments, I did, and I hope you understand that it's nothing personal. You're a great writer, and it's not up to someone like me to look down on you.