Sisterly Bonding

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Sweetie Belle and Rarity go to the park as sisters and meet up with Apple Jack and Apple Bloom.
-my first story-
Includes sisterly bonding, as the title suggests!

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IceQB

IceQB #1 · May 18th, 2013 · 2 · 1 ·

I.. don't know how I should feel about this fic. I chanced it, seeing the views and no ratings, and sure enough... I don't know how to rate it. The writing's okay, but there wasn't a plot at all... like... next time, seeing this as your first fic, you should aim to have some sort of beginning, middle and end. Climax somewhere in there. It all makes for a good story.

Also,

It was a normal day in Ponyville and the young blank-flank filly, named Sweetie Belle decided to visit her sister. Everytime she got to see her older sister she got even happier then she already was, she loved her. Rarity was the best sister ever too Sweetie Belle and she was happy she had someone to do activities with, like go to stores and go shopping or even go to the park, which is what she hoped to do today. The sun was shining and the birds where chirping. They glided across the sky singing wonderful songs made out of chirps. Sweetie Belle skipped her way towards her sister's boutique. Sweetie Belle thought her sister made the most wonderful and spectacular dresses ever. She thought her sister was very talented. Sweetie Belle opened the door and was not surprised too see her sister working on another spectacular dress. It was white and pink and had blue sapphires encrusted on it. All Rarity was doing was deciding if she should put ribbon on it or not.

If you're narrating a scene you want us to picture in your head, less sentences would be nice. It wouldn't break the flow more often. Some of these sentences could be combined / merged. For example, "The sun shone as the birds glided across the sky, chirping sweet melodies that filled the sky." (P.S. I thought they meant Rarity and Sweetie Belle, and that got me confused for a second.)

And the next line can also be rephrased as, "Sweetie Belle thought her sister was very talented, making the most wonderful and spectacular dresses ever."

Also, as a tip, refrain from repeating an adjective, or verb that often only means one thing. Common verbs like "walked" and "felt" can ignore this rule, as you wouldn't want to read something like "The bright light shone. The light pierced my eyes, as I cowered at the bright light." (Of course, you can use it the first time, but you don't want to see too much repetitive wordings. Vary up the words a bit.)

On top of all of this, your pacing was quite abrupt at some points, like this:

Sweetie Belle thought for a moment or two and answered, "If you put it on, it will look adorable! I think you should, also sis, it's really pretty and sparkly. I wanted to go to the park today; maybe I can meet up with my friends, and maybe even Apple Jack." So the siblings headed out the door as Rarity turned the sign on her door to say 'CLOSED' that way people won't go in and wondering where she was.

Boy, that escalated quickly. Working hard on dress, then OKAY LEGGO TO LE PARK.

By that I meant, you kinda forgot all about the dress and focused on the park. If you mentioned a dress she worked on, finish that idea, place that ribbon, and THEN let Rarity gracefully leave her boutique after ensuring the dress in what she wanted in the first place. Take your time. The story won't go anywhere without you.

With that said, I ain't voting, but I wish you the best in your future writings. Also, don't be easily discouraged. Keep writing :) One day, you'll do good xD

SilentBelle

SilentBelle #2 · May 20th, 2013 · · 1 ·

Hiya, I'm SilentBelle, and I make it a point to read any new Sweetie Belle fics that come out and give my honest thoughts on it, but it seems yoitzhiok beat me to the punch. So pretty much everything that was said in that post above me. and I'll add a few things too.

There's no conflict in this story to make us invested in the characters. It's Applejack not 'Apple Jack'. Be careful about word choice for certain characters:

I have been using all of these jewels me and Spike collected to make more dresses for my clients and they absolutely love them!

Rarity would never be caught saying 'me and Spike' she would have said 'Spike and I', where as AJ would be more than likely to use that particular word choice.

For a first fic though, it does have some decent writing, there were only a couple of grammatical errors. Still it wasn't compelling enough to warrant me giving it a thumbs up. Don't feel disheartened though, we all start off small. If you feel as though you'd like an opinion on the next story you want to write, give me a PM and I can discuss it with you. I'd love to give a helping hand.

Thanks for writing,
SilentBelle

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