• Member Since 16th May, 2013
  • offline last seen April 12th

Vv_-Carnelian-_vV


I like stories involving slice of life, some alternate universe (depends on the concept), and the story concept of playing inside a game or trapped inside one.

T
Source

Rarity is ruined. After 5 years of designing outfits and costumes that make even the most snobbish of ponies envious, every pony has lost interest in her fashion style... no pony in Equestria wants to do with anything "old" or "strange" and Rarity is losing all of her clients. With bills piling up and Rarity unable to find any amount of work, even making cheesy costumes for school plays, Rarity is forced to sell her home and belongings; and file bankruptcy... Applejack, seeing her lifelong crush in finical ruin, decides to let Rarity and Sweetie Bell live on the farm to help out until they get back on their hooves.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 43 )

The story has an interesting concept, but the story seems a bit rushed. You need to put a bit more description in it, seriously you wrote off Rarity's and Sweetie Belle's parents in like one sentence. The last paragraph was the worse, you didn't even make a new paragraph when Rarity replied to Applejack. Also you tend to forget to space your paragraphs. If you're not going to space your paragraphs, then at least indent the new paragraph so we know someone else is talking.

Is your story bad? No, I rather like it, and it's okay considering it's your first fanfiction. The first chapter needs a bit of cleaning up and you need to pace yourself more, but I'm rather interested in where this is going.

I like it! I agree with Mattricole a bit, but those are only improvements!
Also, isn't her name supposed to be Sweetie BELLE, not Sweetie Bell?

Liking it so far!

2623892
Thank you! I will work on that when I work on the next chapter tonight! thank you for the critizism! :rainbowkiss:

P.S.- PLEASE DON'T TAKE THAT AS SARCASM!!! :fluttercry:

Sounds interesting, added to my Read It Later pile (even though it's large enough as-is). And hoping it'll address in a believable way just HOW Rarity falls out of want in the fashion world, short of in the summary. :twilightoops: Even if it is rushed with the intro/prologue to the true story, supposedly.

Sorry to waste comment space, but... I just wanted to say that I do have hopes for this, even if Rarijack isn't a top pairing of mine, but I still enjoy it, as with most ships with being flexible pretty much. :twilightblush: And the concept does seem unique at least. :scootangel:

2623931

... I do believe you are correct... I shall fix it at once!

Allow me to add that it does seem rushed. The concept is interesting, I most definately want to know more about how Rarity came to her fall.

The old saw about show, don't tell? When we are simply told that aj has a crush, rather than shown, it lessens the impact.

So this is not me just criticising a story I did like, you did a good job with AJ's 'voice', and I do in fact want to see where you take this next. Good luck!

Maybe a few flashbacks about how Applejack first meet Rarity, learned she had a sister Applebloom's age, maybe the first time she noticed how beautiful she is when she's not paying attention to herself, things like that could show Applejack's crush without just laying it out in the open.
Slow things down a bit. Like others mentioned, give us more detail about their parents death; when, how, it could be a plot twist revealing bits and pieces now and then.
You used scene breaks well, so kudos to that. Oh, and thank you for mentioning why Sweetie Belle lives with Rarity instead of just saying she does. Apparently most writers (including the show's) presume sisters always live together.
That's all I got for now.

You're doing very well. Though you may want to use "appreciated" for appraised.

This looks good.... Keep going :raritywink:
Can't wait to find out what happened:pinkiesmile:

2636804

Thank you, and I am entertaining a few ideas but I have to do some fashion research before I start. :ajsleepy: I don't wanna... oh well, anything to improve the story! :yay:

This was much better compared to the first, or I suppose prologue. One thing I noticed is that you sometimes indent for a new paragraph and sometimes you don't, kinda need to make up your mind about that :raritywink:.

2637386

haha... well, YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BADGES TO TRAIN MY PARAGRAPHS! :rainbowdetermined2:

2638121 O.o

D-do I know you? Seriously someone on skype said almost the exact same thing.

2638164

Not unless they are nearly bipolar in fear with a side a courage, no... no I do not...

Definitely favoriting this. Pretty good so far

2694111
I second this! I very much like where this is going.

There was some parts that needed some more description, like-

"Yeah, you should've seen Applejack when it stopped working," snickered Applebloom, "she was in such a panic that she was in tears! 'Ah broke it! Ah broke it! What am ah gonna do once Rar'- ' Ow! That hurt!"

never said anything about AB actually getting hit. But all in all it was okay.

2821973

I shall work on this and edit it whenever possible. Thank you. :twilightsmile:

YAY UPDATE!!!
Great story so far!
It was a little rushed, but other than that, I thought it was great!
Can't wait for the next chapter!
Oh! And btw...
YAY RARIJACK
:duck::ajsmug:

2830496

:raritystarry:
*hangs comment over fireplace*
... I'll shall cherish the joy this brings me always...

I've just read the intro and will get to rest later but what I have read so far looks very nice. :twilightsmile: I look forward to continuing in reading this soon.

2945312:pinkiegasp: Someone commented! *reads comment*

:pinkiehappy: You little rascal... I think it's nice too but personally I prefer maybe both one and two.
P.S.- feel free to comment!

SWEET CELESTIA! 139 VIEWS!?!? Did I not post a blog about this!?
:fluttercry: I'm not good I tell you!

2946314

BTW I meant the total views in the stats area.

I will read this later, but for now, I have to go and create a group, then I will make a new story, then I will read this! (not an entire story just a first chapter)

2946347

Oh? A new group you say? Maybe I will join...

2946369 yes it is called late night collaborations. for bronies that sometimes need ideas for what to do next.

2946377

Yep, I'll be joining that... that sounds like my biography...

I liked it, and I'll continue reading, but something in this chapter bugged me:

"You think I'm... pretty? Applejack darling... do you have a crush on me?"

After one compliment about her mane, Rarity immediately assumed her good friend of many years had a crush on her? Just like that? What, has she never been complimented before?

It seemed rather sudden for her to ask that, especially since in the last chapter she was at one point described as "oblivious" (I think it was to do with AJ stuttering, or something) and all of the sudden here they're looking into each other's eyes. I think going into more detail would've prevented all this.

2946467

Hmm... I guess I should've added in her reasoning for her asking that in hindsight... Alright! Allow me to explain before I go to the corner of endless shame!

The reason that Rarity asked if Applejack had a crush on her was because it was sudden and unexpected. She really wasn't paying that much attention to Applejack's stuttering because she was so relieved that she wouldn't have to move from Ponyville or lose custody of Sweetie Belle. Please remember that Rarity also had a crush on Applejack as said in her five-year flashback, so she was also asking in hope. I do note that I should've added this to that part of the story and I thank you for bringing up that point! ... Do you have a OC by chance that I could put in this story as a thank you for that? :pinkiesad2:

2950558

I know, but is it not funner to try to write something that you weren't prepared for and then see it be liked? It gives me a sense of "If I can write this and it was accepted and loved, then I can do anything!"... It's one of those things in life I find absolute joy in! :pinkiehappy:

Why was this cancelled?

5387706 I couldn't remember where i was heading with the story, but i am leaving it out for people to see, and if they want, adopt the story.

5387714 At least mark it as cancelled, don't leave it hanging open as being "in progress"

Login or register to comment