Sisterly Bonding

by Russell

Sisterly Bonding

It was a normal day in Ponyville and the young blank-flank filly, named Sweetie Belle decided to visit her sister. Everytime she got to see her older sister she got even happier then she already was, she loved her. Rarity was the best sister ever too Sweetie Belle and she was happy she had someone to do activities with, like go to stores and go shopping or even go to the park, which is what she hoped to do today. The sun was shining and the birds where chirping. They glided across the sky singing wonderful songs made out of chirps. Sweetie Belle skipped her way towards her sister's boutique. Sweetie Belle thought her sister made the most wonderful and spectacular dresses ever. She thought her sister was very talented. Sweetie Belle opened the door and was not surprised too see her sister working on another spectacular dress. It was white and pink and had blue sapphires encrusted on it. All Rarity was doing was deciding if she should put ribbon on it or not.

"Hey sis!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. She must have startled her sister, but that was a little bit awkward because Rarity was expecting her sister to come over. Rarity dropped the perfectly tied ribbon on the floor and turned to face the door, and her smiling sister at the door.

"Oh Sweetie, you startled me! Do you like my new dress I have been working on? I have been using all of these jewels me and Spike collected to make more dresses for my clients and they absolutely love them! But, I need your opinion. Should I put on this ribbon or not? Once I decide we will be heading off to what you want to do." Rarity told her sister, also asking a question to benefit her dress.

Sweetie Belle thought for a moment or two and answered, "If you put it on, it will look adorable! I think you should, also sis, it's really pretty and sparkly. I wanted to go to the park today; maybe I can meet up with my friends, and maybe even Apple Jack." So the siblings headed out the door as Rarity turned the sign on her door to say 'CLOSED' that way people won't go in and wondering where she was. The two trotted down the sideway as Sweetie Belle waved to some of her classmates as she passed them. It wasn't exactly a long walk, but they where there. Sweetie Belle got out her pink and purple ball that matched her mane and started tossing it around, until she was startled by a familiar voice. Of course it was one of her friends!

"Hi Sweetie Belle an' Rarity. I never knew you would be here like me an' Apple Jack. This is ah nice surprise!" The young filly's friend, Apple Bloom said in a pleased tone. They glanced over and saw Apple Jack following behind her. Rarity waved at the two of them. Sweetie Belle showed Apple Bloom her new ball, Sweetie Belle tossed it towards Apple Bloom who tossed it back. Rarity saw how much fun her sister and friend where having so she joined in. She would of normally not of joined in, but it looked like so much fun. Especially if she got to play with her awesome little sister!

"C'mon Apple Jack. Join in!" Apple bloom said too her sister. Her sister nodded and joined in. The four spent quite a bit of time playing and tossing the ball. It was all just some fun sisterly bonding. After many fun minutes of playing Rarity and Sweetie Belle decided to go home. They decided to do something else fun when they got back; they waved to the other two ponies and started to walk home.

When the two happy sisters got home they looked around for something fun to do. Rarity remembered she had something special to show Sweetie Belle. "Sweetie, darling I have something for you." The unicorn told her sister as she walked slowly towards her room. Sweetie Belle chased after her, and saw something she would of never expected... A BEAUTIFUL DRESS HER SIZE! Sweetie Belle felt the heart in her chest almost bursting out. She would have never expected something as nice as this.

"Rarity! I love it!" The small unicorn said as she wrapped her legs around her sister's neck. Rarity smiled as the pressure of her sister's hug was exerted on her. After what felt like hours, she finally let go. Rarity used her magic and brought the dress her sisters way. The dress was silky and had emeralds around its collar. At the bottom it poofed out mildly and was a light baby blue. It was very beautiful. Sweetie Belle loved every bit of it, and Rarity was enjoying seeing her sister so happy.

"Well, I'm glad I spent the time to make it for somebody like you. Now dear, please go try it on." Rarity whispered to her sister. Sweetie Belle happily nodded and put her head through the opening of the pretty dress, Rarity helped her get her legs through the leg holes. After some trying on Sweetie rushed to the mirror to take a look at her and the dress. The colours went well with her mane, and it fit her perfectly.

She looked in Rarity's way and gasped, "I love it even more on!" Sweetie looked once again at the mirror. Rarity chuckled, reminding her of when she was just a little filly. Those days she admired the dresses she saw in stores, saw on models. She longed forever to make one, and she did. This one though, was probably favorite. Due to the reaction she got from her sister.

"What are sisters for?" Rarity smiled and Sweetie Belle nodded.

Sweetie Belle grinned and replied, "Everything. I love you sister."

Author's Note:

This is my first story, hope you enjoyed!

Comments

[IceQB]

I.. don't know how I should feel about this fic. I chanced it, seeing the views and no ratings, and sure enough... I don't know how to rate it. The writing's okay, but there wasn't a plot at all... like... next time, seeing this as your first fic, you should aim to have some sort of beginning, middle and end. Climax somewhere in there. It all makes for a good story.

Also,

It was a normal day in Ponyville and the young blank-flank filly, named Sweetie Belle decided to visit her sister. Everytime she got to see her older sister she got even happier then she already was, she loved her. Rarity was the best sister ever too Sweetie Belle and she was happy she had someone to do activities with, like go to stores and go shopping or even go to the park, which is what she hoped to do today. The sun was shining and the birds where chirping. They glided across the sky singing wonderful songs made out of chirps. Sweetie Belle skipped her way towards her sister's boutique. Sweetie Belle thought her sister made the most wonderful and spectacular dresses ever. She thought her sister was very talented. Sweetie Belle opened the door and was not surprised too see her sister working on another spectacular dress. It was white and pink and had blue sapphires encrusted on it. All Rarity was doing was deciding if she should put ribbon on it or not.

If you're narrating a scene you want us to picture in your head, less sentences would be nice. It wouldn't break the flow more often. Some of these sentences could be combined / merged. For example, "The sun shone as the birds glided across the sky, chirping sweet melodies that filled the sky." (P.S. I thought they meant Rarity and Sweetie Belle, and that got me confused for a second.)

And the next line can also be rephrased as, "Sweetie Belle thought her sister was very talented, making the most wonderful and spectacular dresses ever."

Also, as a tip, refrain from repeating an adjective, or verb that often only means one thing. Common verbs like "walked" and "felt" can ignore this rule, as you wouldn't want to read something like "The bright light shone. The light pierced my eyes, as I cowered at the bright light." (Of course, you can use it the first time, but you don't want to see too much repetitive wordings. Vary up the words a bit.)

On top of all of this, your pacing was quite abrupt at some points, like this:

Sweetie Belle thought for a moment or two and answered, "If you put it on, it will look adorable! I think you should, also sis, it's really pretty and sparkly. I wanted to go to the park today; maybe I can meet up with my friends, and maybe even Apple Jack." So the siblings headed out the door as Rarity turned the sign on her door to say 'CLOSED' that way people won't go in and wondering where she was.

Boy, that escalated quickly. Working hard on dress, then OKAY LEGGO TO LE PARK.

By that I meant, you kinda forgot all about the dress and focused on the park. If you mentioned a dress she worked on, finish that idea, place that ribbon, and THEN let Rarity gracefully leave her boutique after ensuring the dress in what she wanted in the first place. Take your time. The story won't go anywhere without you.

With that said, I ain't voting, but I wish you the best in your future writings. Also, don't be easily discouraged. Keep writing :) One day, you'll do good xD

[SilentBelle]

Hiya, I'm SilentBelle, and I make it a point to read any new Sweetie Belle fics that come out and give my honest thoughts on it, but it seems yoitzhiok beat me to the punch. So pretty much everything that was said in that post above me. and I'll add a few things too.

There's no conflict in this story to make us invested in the characters. It's Applejack not 'Apple Jack'. Be careful about word choice for certain characters:

I have been using all of these jewels me and Spike collected to make more dresses for my clients and they absolutely love them!

Rarity would never be caught saying 'me and Spike' she would have said 'Spike and I', where as AJ would be more than likely to use that particular word choice.

For a first fic though, it does have some decent writing, there were only a couple of grammatical errors. Still it wasn't compelling enough to warrant me giving it a thumbs up. Don't feel disheartened though, we all start off small. If you feel as though you'd like an opinion on the next story you want to write, give me a PM and I can discuss it with you. I'd love to give a helping hand.

Thanks for writing,
SilentBelle