Moises lived a fairly average life. A few mistakes, okay alot of mistakes here and there and all of that will change when an all too familiar creature arrives in his apartment asking for his help. So, in order to save lives, he must leave what little he has behind, forever.
-Rated teen for sexual humor, light gore, and indirect scenes of intimacy.
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Awsom i should make a sequel with docter who my oc and your oc.
2051118
maybe bro
Holy crap!! That was a lot different from what I remember!! 250% improvement!!!
2052495
Thanks if only I wrote it his way in the first place. Then more people would have liked it
Ok. So, did I ever tell you about that amnesiac Mary-sue alicorn who woke up in the Everfree? Yes, the one that got raped to death with a baseball bat? By Celestia? No? Nevermind then.
Similar fate awaits your OC, my dear author. I'm not gonna go into details, for those details are quite gruesome. Suffice to say that it won't be pretty.
Celly is sick of this, all right? Those shitty OC's... It was kinda amusing when the first one showed up in Equestria. Alicorn, red and black color scheme, and all that. Poor Tia had no idea what was coming. So, so many of them. I mean, every time you mention a character with a description similar to yours in her presence, it makes her eye twitch.
Well, not any more. Good thing she has us now. You won't get through. We won't let you. Begone.
2063570
Listen I respect your opinion and I don't know what story you're talking about and I don't know who Celly is so please unless it makes sense don't say anything.
Thank You
2063578
I'm talking about every shitty generic OC being sent to Equestria by authors such as yourself. Celly is Princess Celestia. Imagine how she'd feel if every self-insert OC actually went there?
HAH! No.
2063586
Well there would no longer be a shortage on stallions.
You still have a lot to learn. Love and tolerance. What don't you get?
So many things wrong with that description. Let's fix it. Changes marked in red.
Don't use love and tolerance as a shield. It isn't meant to be a method to avoid criticisms. In fact it used to be a troll tactic. :T
2063603
So far you've got like 30 dislikes and no criticism in comments. I'm giving you feedback. Well, negative feedback, but it still counts.
Also, I'm well beyond love and tolerance for stuff like this at this point.
2063603
i.imgur.com/PRYpk.jpg
What I don't get is why there's so many hug-boxers in this fandom and how everyone seems to think that's our motto for some shitty reason. It started on /co/ when the fandom first began as a kind of way of saying "don't feed the trolls, dumbass", and evolved from that point on. Anyone who adheres to that phrase deserves to be shot. I simply watch the show, I don't have to instantly love everyone because of it.
2063657
Niether do I and I know It's not a motto but I just use it for an excuse to be nicer to everypony
2063596
No what?
2063675
Gosh, that made me facepalm really hard.
Go here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue
After being done with it, read this:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SoYouWantTo/AvoidWritingAMarySue
Read the article, get as much info as you can and rewrite your character and story. You CANT go wrong.
Oy dust back off thats my wifes ass your darting at blitz said
Blitz get out of hear you have kids to tack care of and rainbow i fixed every thing in my story and rainbow and soarin and dust and fluttershy and dust are marryed and have a filly named week its up to you.
O hai, RainbowDash314.
I just happened to be in the area to see that you've updated and edited your story. Let me see how much you have improved....
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Slow down. You are giving us WAY too much information for the first paragraph. As I've told many budding authors, the "Hi, my name is..." approach to introducing your character is not very inventive and it comes off as a writer's cop-out from having to describe their characters and settings in interesting ways. You see, if you explained your physical features like, for example:
As I got out of the shower, I ran a brush through my long, black hair. Long hair would probably bother most people, but it makes me feel free.
or
I don't want to come off as vain, but I love the way water reflects off my tan skin.
It's just that normal people (or characters this case) don't talk like this in real life. Also, addressing the reader like you are breaks the fourth wall and thus, story flow. You could argue that Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall all the time, but the thing is, when she does it, it's done cleverly, not to mention, she's a very abstract pony who's capable of a lot of impossible things. You are a human teenager from the suburbs, so you have no excuse.
Next off, something like a tragic past should be explained later on in the story. Right now, I just read the cliffnotes of some guy's life where he lost his parents at a young age and became an orphan. When you, the author, bring stuff like that up, the reader's question may very well be, "How does he deal with it?"
Seeing as how you don't go into it, I assume that this is just another case of "Sad-Backstory-to-Make-Reader-Feel-Sorry-for-my-Character-itis." You can gladly say that your parents are no longer alive, or even not around (because the sad thing is, some people don't have parents), but spare us the details. Those should come around when we get to know your character more and get to like him. That way, when your character reveals his sad past, we get to feel sorry for him.
I guarantee you that if you watched Bambi, you'd feel much differently if you watched the film from the beginning as opposed to jumping in right when Bambi's mom dies.
You see, THIS is the stuff I'm talking about. Right now, I can identify that Moises is a cheeky teenager with an artistic side. THIS is what builds character. More of this, please.
However, I want to say that before we continue the story and plot, and yes, I peeked ahead...
thegamingliberty.com/wp-content/uploads/linklaugh.jpg
...I want to know WHY Moises likes MLP. Does he like the animation of the show? Does he use it to cope with this parents not being around? Does he like the writing?
I don't know. It's never explained. Again, things like this could tell a lot about a character.
1. Right now, there is WAY too little I know about your character to want to follow him. And the fact that the plot starts off right here, shows that you are more concerned about living your fantasies vicariously through this character than trying to tell a cohesive story.
2. I'm quite intrigued to know why this random person is in need of Princess Celestia's assistance (and not in a particularly good way).
Wait, why would Moises smoking impair Carlos' vision?
That still doesn't make the statement any less nonsensical.
How exactly did you flip out? Did you begin hyperventilating? Were you weak at the knees? Did you turn into Woody Woodpecker while cartwheeling on the ceiling while playing Dance of Eternity on the kazoo? Again, descriptions and timing: use them. I see that you're trying to take my criticism to heart, and I appreciate it, but I read this part in about five seconds, so if it weren't for the "after about a half hour" bit, I would have a assumed he screamed for like two seconds and then immediately regained his composure.
BTW, how does one freak out for a "half hour?" And better yet, what were Celestia and Carlos doing for a half hour while you freaked out? I assume their patience would have been severely strained by minute three.
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/d/d7/Twilight_unsure_S2E26.png
So this is just a retelling of the first two episodes of MLP...
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Still calling it!
Are you sure about that, Celly? Because they look really god damned experienced to me.
Yes, let me just point out that one part in this story where Moises was brave and cunning.
And furthermore, if the only reason for Celestia not to help Twilight and her friends is that she'll be sent into the sun upon returning from Moise's world, then why is she going to Moise's world in the first place? Intelligence. It's not just for scientists anymore!
Here's the thing about that though. In Edgar Rice Burroughs' A Princess of Mars, when John Carter arrived on Mars, he found that he was less massive on earth, making him stronger, faster, and lighter. The problem with this was that if he took as much of a step off the ground, he'd begin floating around like a balloon with a small weight tied to the string before lightly floating back down. In the book, this took a while for him to get used to before he could walk around normally.
If such a change in mass would require the assistance of a human from another world, then it would be likely that Moises would encounter the same problems as John Carter. I doubt that it will affect Moises though because getting used to a change in mass would cut into your time with hanging with the Mane 6. We'll see how right I am.
What. The. Literal. Hell! Your pacing for this story is about as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog after snorting a city made of blow. Celestia just shows up, she JUST tells them about this task which can STILL be refused so he can be with his "brother," and they immediately start crying as if Moises is going to accept IMMEDIATELY.
Well, goodbye, guardian whom I've considered to be a brother that I've never had. I'm off to go to Equestria because Princess Celestia offered it to me.
Please don't slip back into THAT Moises; I'm actually kind of liking him.
I'm glad to see that Carlos took the whole "my 'brother' just turned into a winged pony" thing so well.
While I will say that your fic has improved, namely making your character more likable, the overly fast pacing of this story and a lack of descriptions is still a massive turnoff. I may be back to read the second chapter, but I have other business to attend to.
Ciao.
Oh and don't forget to add my oc to.
2063800
Wow i Brock the fourth wall
Chapter 2:
In all honesty, you bring up some very good points. Also, kudos on not making your Moises a good flyer from the get go. You wouldn't BELIEVE how much that rubs me the wrong way when reading fics.
So he hits his face, but he breaks his wrist. This part must have been written by the guy who wrote the end to the final action scene in The Dark Knight Rises.
I just realized something. If your character has all traces of this show wiped from his memory, what was the point in making him a brony? Why couldn't he be just some regular schmuck?
And I'm totally cool with this... for some reason.
So, Celestia erases your memory to prevent the ponies knowing about your knowledge of Equestria and the ponies in fear of altering their destines, but she allows you to wear an alien piece of clothing that would rightfully cause some confusion and alarm? Okay, I just want to be sure I'm following your crazy-ass story.
And not only that, but the stranger's alien article of clothing has an image of Rainbow Dash on it. That's not suspicious at all!
So much for staying inconspicuous.
You know, its not offensive to look at the side of the pony's flank when she's intentionally showing it to you. If you were staring at her snatch without permission, then that's reason for offense. BTW, is no one going to question how the stranger who fell from the sky and has no knowledge of where he is who these ponies are, yet has their cutie marks tattooed on his body? I know that it wouldn't be your problem per se, seeing as you have no knowledge yourself, but dammit, I expect at least one of these ponies to wise up and think, "Hey, does anyone else but me think this might be a little fucked up?"
Twilight, I highly doubt that a pony who doesn't know what a cutie mark is is going to know the term "somepony?" Celestia is a fucking idiot in this story.
That doesn't answer her question!
Really? No one wants to know why the stranger with no knowledge of these ponies has their cutie marks tattooed on his body? Oh, okay then.
.
Did he really just ask that last question? How old are you again, Moises? 20, or 5?
Okay, so ignore the fact that without the sun, no plants could be able to grow, thus killing off all life in Equestria. It's the seemingly unrelated fact that Celestia is trapped in the sun (which she obviously isn't, seeing as she was able to get you (that fucking bitch)), that sways you over. So much sense this fic makes!
Weird, or whatever watered down impression these ponies will make of the stranger with their cutie marks as tattoos.
I rest my case.
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Gee. How riveting.
I'm bored. Bye!
2068313
Chill!!! Yes I accidentaly neglected to give the mane 6 their personalities and I won't over use those phrases and I'll fix all that stuff soon. I apologize. I was kind of in a rush when writing this chapter and I'll fix it.
2084973
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2085012
Thank You.
Good chapter, bro. Can't wait to see more!
Hey, just wondering when you gonna post next chapter!
2188787
Sorry it's taking so long my laptop's getting hacked by the Russian Mafia at the moment(no lie)!
2202249 Huh...
Well then...
2203112
Yeah plus I have 2 huge projects due this week and I have to work at the library!!!
2230510 Oh! You changed your name! That's why I was so confused...
Well, can't wait to see the rest of the stories!
Well ok then, this story could use quite a bit of tiding up. After reading the other comments I can see other readers took the time to point out things that could use improvements so i'm not going to wast time re pointing out those things. Now if you want I could go over your story word by word and explain what you should improve and why. On the other hoof (see what I did there) I suggest you get an competent editor who, I would even be willing to send you a link to a site where you find some. As I said in my message (which you never responded to
) I will continue reading your story regardless of how many improvements it needs but I hope you take the time to get an editor.