Chapter One
**********
Drex hated having to wake up. He loved to sleep. All he wanted to do was lie there in bed, ignore the buzzing sound of his alarm clock, pull the covers over his eyes to block out the sunlight. And he would have, but for some reason Drex couldn't find his covers or hear his alram clock. He was warm, but he couln't find the covers. And as he thought of it longer in his dreary half-asleep state, he was trying to figure out why his bed wasn't comfortable and felt cold. A shame that his need to know far outweighed his want to sleep.
He blinks one eye open, fluttering it to get accustomed to the sunlight. Things begin to get even weirder, for some reason it was so bright in his room, he knew he turned the light off. He sits up in the most awkward of ways, for some reason he couldn't sit up normally, but it wasn't uncomfortable so he didn't mind so much. He puts his hand over his face to block the brightness from his eyes and for some reason his arm felt heavier, and very different.
His vision soon adjusts and the sight shocks him. He's in some old building, like, really old. A castle from the renaissance that's crumbled away over time.
'Oh god, please don't tell me my friends snuck into my room and carried me some place where I have no clue as to where I am again.' He thinks remembering how is closest friend and roommate, and a few of his buddies dragged him to the curb of a street he didn't know the name to when he was drunk. He goes to face-palm himself, but when his hand connects with his face, something was terribly off.
His hand was warm and fuzzy, he pulled it away thinking that his friends dressed him in snow gear. But he wasn't wearing snow gear. In fact, he wasn't wearing anything. On his hand was a furry paw. It was orange and he had a black stripe, in the center of his forearm. A patch of a beige colour fur on his elbow, the same patches of fur were over his chest and kept expanding up to what he presumed went as far as his face. Before he could inspect any more of his body, he hears a scream from a connecting room and recognizes the it instantly.
"Allison?" He sprints into the next room, surprisingly easy on four paws. He was expecting to see his close friend Allison in the next room. Half of her hair blonde in it's natural color, the other half dyed black. But what he didn't expect was to see a Pokémon! He stops in his tracks and lets his mouth hang open. Drex doesn't say anything for a while, he just stares at it for, completely entranced. And the strangest thing, it stared back.
"What?" It says. That snapped Drex's attention back to reality.
"Ally?" He takes a step forward, recognizing the voice.
"Drex? Drex is that you?"
"Either that or one of us is tripping major balls right now." He replies in his idiotic fashion.
"Oh my god, Drex it is you! Where are we? And why are you a pokémon?"
That one caught his attention. "I'm a pokémon? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You're a freaking Ninetales!" It's true, in front of him was not the body of the friend Drex knew. Instead it was a fox like creature with golden fur, ruby red eyes, and nine tails. The ends of all the tails tipped in red fur instead of the regular gold. "Say, what pokémon am I?"
"Arcanine." She says plainly.
"Bitchin'!" Allison has calmed down, knowing that a friend is with her puts her slightly at ease.
"Drex, what's going on? How is it that we're pokémon and where are we? How is any of this possible?"
"Good question. Best guess is that A) We've been turned into pokemon and possibly somewhere in Ireland B) we're in the Pokémon world, given that we're both gen 1 I'd say Kanto region, or C) we are on some pretty strong drug."
"Get serious!" She barks at him.
"I am serious! Unless you have a better explanation." She didn't say anything. Anything that she thought of was either too unrealistic, or too stupid. She'd hate to admit it, but his choices were the best.
"Okay, so we're possibly in either the pokémon world seeing as though we're pokemon, or somewhere, probably half way around the world and thrown in a castle. Or we were slipped some sort of hallucinogen. So what do we do now?"
"I say we play along and figure out where we are, if this is some hallucination I want to spend every minute enjoying it!" Drex answers with a stupid looking grin and moved towards another room. "But if this is the Poké-world, well we'll find a way home. Come on, let's get out of this castle and find wherever it is we are."
"What if this is all in our heads?" She asks worried that she very well might walk through the streets on all fours, seeing things for what they aren't.
Drex stops at the doorway of the room. "Screw it, I say. I'm going to enjoy every bit of my dream. If I make a fool of myself, then a fool I am." That made Allison grin a bit. Drex wasn't an idiot, his humor just involved him acting like one and he always kew what stupid thing to say or do. Allison knew that, it was just like the time when her boyfriend broke up with her. She was depressed for days and refused to see anyone, until Drex forced his way to her room, and no matter how she acted or what she said he never left her side once. Through all the time they were together, Drex acted like the joof he would pretend to be and she forget everything about the man who broke her heart. She smiles rememebring it all and gives in, catching up to him quickly.
They walk through corridor after corridor until they come to a spiralling staircase and find their way to the main entrance hall. Two incredibly old doors stood in front of them, barely in one piece. Drex pushed one open and it creeked from old age as it is swung open. Outside was a forest, it looked both creepy and beautiful at the same time, with the lush green trees and plants, but there was an ominous dark vibe that it gave off. Only one thought came across Drex's mind.
"I don't think this is Ireland." Allison just roles her new ruby eyes and walks towards the woods. But she doesn't get far when she reaches her first obstacle.
"You have got to be joking." She says aloud as Drex catches up. In front was a large gap of earth, much too far to jump, and the only way across was a less-than supportive rope bridge. Drex looks over the edge and kicks a rock down, and they wait to hear it hit the bottom. They never hear it.
"Welp, no time like the present." Drex walks over to the bridge, oblivious to the danger.
"Wait, what?" Allison stops him. "You aren't seriously going across that bridge are you? I mean look at it, it probably can't support our weight, maybe there's another way across."
"Oh I see, Ally's chicken shit."
"Am not!" She blurts.
"Oh really? Then prove it. After all, ladies do go first." He steps aside for her, wanting to be shown that he's wrong. She slowly walks up to the bridge, hesitant at first. She puts one paw on the first wooden plank, it creeks under her weight, but doesn't break. She proceeds to another plank, and another. Her confidence slowly rising as everything went fine.
"Ha! Proved you wrong!" She shouts from the other side of the gap. Drex simply walks over calmly, not a care in the world. He finally got to the same side, a smug look over his face.
"Yeah, you sure showed me that I was right about the bridge." He said and kept walking on. Allison stood there, realizing that she was just suckered. She was still alive, safe, and on the other side; but she still felt like she had to yell at him. She got one more glance at the castle, it was in worse condition than she had thought it was. But something was familiar about it, like she's seen it before somewhere. She just threw her thoughts in the back of her mind thinking that she's just imagining it.
***
There wasn't anything else interesting along the walk, so they talked. Drex kept wondering if they were really pokémon, and by this point they were both positive that they were, then they might be able to use the moves. Drex started naming some of the ones he was really hoping to do: Agility, Roar, Take Down, Extremespeed, Flamethrower. Allison recommended that he not try that one, or any move relating to fire while they were in an easily flammable forest.
"Hey, I think we're just about out of the forest." Drex says spoting how the trees and bushes began to thin out. They could see the edge of the forest not too far off and more light shining down from the dense foliage. The trees had been so close together that they formed a thick canopy that blocked all light from seeping past them. It certainly upped the forest's creep-o-meter for the both of them. But there was always enough light for them to see what was close by, but never enough to tell what shadows were lying in the dark.
Happy to be almost be out, Drex jogs over to the border more hastely than Allison. He pulls back a bushes to get a better look, and for a second, he doesn't believe what he sees. "What is it?" Allison asks making it to border along side him. The bushes were too tall for her to see past.
"Okay, two things are certain." He begins her with a huge grin on his face. "One: we are not on earth. And two: we are not hallucinating any of this."
"How can you be sure?" She asks wondering what he saw on the other side. Thankfully her prayers were answered as Drex pulls the bushes back so she could see what he meant by that.
"Because there's no way a drug could make me imagine this!" In front of them was a town they were both familiar with. The most recognizable town that can be found in only one place ever.
"Ponyville?" They say at the same time.
FIRST!!!
2049127Kind of a dick move seeing as though you're my editor.
Yay! Ireland RULES!
Instant Fav!
I think I'll stick around and see where you're going with this. It's interesting so far, but there are a whole load of errors, and I'm going to be that annoying guy that points them out.
2064581I find those more helpful than annoying. Thank you for pointing those out to me good sir. I tip my top hat to you.
Say uh, you wouldn't happen to read Piers Anthony's Xanth series do you?
First off, Vega approves. Second off, if Prince is going to be the "annoying guy" that points errors out, I'm going to be the annoying Eevee to point Pokémon related errors out.
Those sir, would be moves. If they were talking about Abilities then Drex would've talked about Flash Fire, Intimidate, or the hidden ability Justified. Also, when typing the E in Pokémon or any Poké part, try Holding Alt then typing in the Numpad 130. It should come up as é. Though you wouldn't have to, I just thought of putting that out there.
Not exactly sure how he saw his face without a mirror
I think that is supposed to be plank
Pretty hilarious!
My only complaint is that you misspelled "Ninetales." It's T-A-L-E-S, not T-A-I-L-S.
Umm, how does one go about face plaming themselves?
Holy shit, the tense changes are every where, how did this get so popular?
It flip flops between present and past tense and make me want to kick Appleblooms.
2066344denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7728-pinkie_pie_fuck_you_i_do_what_i_want.png
All seriousness though, yeah I seem to have that problem where I can't keep to one tense when writing third person.
And yet, here we are... reading about it
"Thankfully her prayers were answered as Drex pulled the bushes back so she cold see."
"pulled the bushes back so she cold see."
"so she cold see."
Nice editing, editor.
Is that narrative? Because you say third person, but it feels like the script to a play. But don't get me wrong, it's still good, and I love Pokémon, so this will probably end well. Liked, if you have to know. If not, too bad.
What do I have to smoke for that to happen to me next, I'm all for it!
lol my name is allison
Nice begining, I hope they'll be able to use their pokémon moves.
To start with this is certainly an interesting premise, though I wonder how you'll use their transformation to put an interesting twist on an otherwise traditional HIE.
Aside from that though ... this story has some problems. Yes everything following is criticism, but keep in mind that I wouldn't offer it if I didn't think you had the potential to improve. Right now, your technique is rough, but if I thought you didn't have talent I wouldn't bother.
So onto the criticism. The tense changing has already been noted, but what annoys me more is that you either suffer from stilted phrasing, or telling instead of showing. The first case occurs only occasionally, but here is an example.
"Hey, what's that?" Drex asks seeing something bright.
"Must be the end of the forest, or clearing. All the trees are obstructing the sunlight." Drex looks up, the trees were so close together that barely any sunlight shone through. Drex jogs over more hastely than Allison.
Try reading that out loud, and you should see what I mean. It sounds awkward. Also, the second speaker (Allison? or is it Drex again?) is never mentioned, and these sentences introduce information in a strange order. Why do we only find out the trees are obstructing the sunlight after they've seen a way out? Keep in mind you can't just envision a scene and write the basics, you need to flesh it out so the reader can see what you see.
The day had been bright and sunny when they left the castle, but inside the forest it was much darker. The trees had formed a thick canopy overhead, trying to claim every beam of sunlight they could. It didn't help to dismiss the ominous vibe the woods were giving off, but thankfully there was still enough light to see the path ahead. Eyes adjusted to the dimness, Drex easily spotted the bright gap in the distance.
"Hey, what's that?" Drex asked.
Allison peered forward. "Must be the end of the forest, or maybe a clearing."
Curious, Drex bounded ahead without waiting for Allison to catch up.
As for the telling instead of showing, it's less a matter of re-writing and more getting rid of certain sentences. Never flat out tell the reader something when you can show it instead. For example,
Drex had a humor that involved him being an idiot. But he wasn't stupid, he just knew how to make light of a bad situation.
Don't tell us what Drex's humor is like, let us see it in action, or if you are going to describe it, do so with an example.
Drex may have acted stupid, but that was just his sense of humor. She still remembered, with more than a small measure of regret, the things he'd done to keep himself and the group entertained when their luggage was delayed over the last spring break trip. It took three hours, but he kept everyone busy and upbeat the whole time. He was the kind of guy who, no matter what the situation, just had to laugh at it. [color]
Just a couple examples, but if you have any questions feel free to PM me.
I can see the end of this story with them both on drugs.
umg that pic X3
Edit:Also this story is liek a one of a kind X3
I came into this with pretty low expectations, but you'll be pleased to know you've far surpassed that.
As noted above, one of the biggest issues was the tense. It kept switching back and for the between present and past, like this:
To cover my other issues would really just be repeating what 2068959 said, and he covered it pretty well.
It's not really my kind of story, but I think I'm going watch this out of curiosity.
This is good so far, but make sure to watch which tense you are writing in. You keep switching between present and past tense.
"But it wasn't uncomfortable so he didn't mind so much. He puts his hand over his face to block the brightness from his eyes. His arm felt heavy for some reason, and different."
In the first sentence you were in past tense, the second sentence was in present, and the third was back in past tense.
Still, this is pretty entertaining and I want to read more. Just make sure to stick with either past or present tense, not both.
Great. On an unrelated note I have a nephew named Drex, That is all.
Dammit, Osmosis Jones was on the other day, so now I'll never be able to stop reading Drex as Drix.
P.S. I like where this is going so far.
Tracked with the force of a collective 10000 Megidolaons, 76 Ultimas, 842 Luminaires, 4444 Deaths, 294 um... Sunders (gah, I'm running out)..., 333 Roar of Time-s, and 999 Blast Burn-s!
I'll have to see where this story is going, it looks way too interesting to judge by the first chapter.
ANNOYING GUY SUGGESTIONS:
Dood srsly GO SLOWER, this chapter just escalated really quickly. They find out that they're pokemon then they leave the castle shortly afterwards without a second thought. Then suddenly bridge. Then forest. Hey look ponyville!!! Sorry if that was a annoying guy complaint, but I think this story would flow better if you take it slower. Try to keep track of what tense your in, it can be hard sometimes though when you're really excited about writing something.
I also like how you started the story with him being a pokemon, it's always refreshing to see a story start from an interesting point.
Dear god the tense changes!
Simple fix is just drop the -s and add an -ed to all verbs as required.
My expectations on technical execution were low, and you met but failed to exceed them. It's readable, but don't take that as a badge if honour. The pacing on this was Extreme Speed, but I think/hope that's to get them into Ponyville ASAP. If that's your goal though, why not just start them in Ponyville in the first place?
Your writing style promises me a mostly irreverent, enjoyable romp in Equestria, so if you are hoping to add some deep narrative and hidden plot twists to explain why they are Pokemon, don't have your characters go "cool we're Pokemon holy shit ponies." Your first chapter sets the tone for the rest of the story. Just a preemptive warning.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling. It's late. Hopefully chapter two improves.
And I only comment when I care!
2049127>>2049508
Best. Two. Lines. EVER
Wow. This is certainly a unique idea. One that I am most eager to keep tabs on. I won't be the first person to say that they are a crap load of errors, but you know what? I don't care. Not gonna care at all. I'm just gonna follow this wherever it goes for the hell of it. As long as it makes SOME sense, good enough for me.
I mean, come on. Pokemon and ponies? SUCH a good idea.
Well, he forgot to do something.
I think I am turning into That Gamer.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/186/8/a/8afc10f3c01255812784384cb8623b64-d562q7n.png
2073201
Dang it, I lost the game!
An interesting idea, yes, but the execution was exactly what I'd expect from a guy with a Dragonzball PP avatar writing a MLP-Pokémon crossover: poor grammar, little to no imagery, poor story flow, etc.
-1 from me, sorry.
I didn't see anyone else mention it, so I'll say that at one point you have "roles" when you meant "rolls."
I do think I'll follow this, though. It looks pretty cool so far.
They have no hats, therefore they must be poor and irish, i wouldn’t discard the possibilities of Ireland instantly.
The writing is adequate, but there are some mistakes that need to be fixed or deleted.
2083471 um i resent that. i've got a hat and i must say that i look fabulous with it
Look,Look. Bridge very sturdy okay.
whatsontianjin.com/news_images/405545d0fd3c0f57ef26_Jones-style-river-crossing_3.jpg
My god I feel bad for that loyalty bridge and all its mistrust
Okay, interesting concept, but I am having difficutly reading it. Have a free crash course in dialogue punctuation:
Okay, you got the new speaker, new paragraph rule down, thats fine. We can skip that.
Okay, here is the biggie:
You don't put a period at the end of a piece of dialogue unless you are moving to a new action, you use a comma instead. Example:
Take notice of the comma and the lower case "s" in "said". The lower case rule also applies for exclamation marks and question marks. Example:
Now, sometimes you won't follow dialogue with a he said/she said, but with a direct action. In this case, you do use a period and a capital letter. Example:
This implies that Pinkie spoke, then bounced around the room.
Now, lesson two: speaker attribution.
Because Twilight performs an action, it is impiled that Twilight is the speaker. In other words, Twilight said hello to herself as Pinkie came into the room. The correct way of writing it would be:
Also, notice how I put a comma before Twilight's name in each example. Consider that one a freebe (in your already free crash course).
Okay, now you have had some general feedback, I'm going to tear apart your first few paragraphs now. Corrections in green, incorrections in red, explanations in cornflower blue.
I'll leave it at that for the moment. If you want to learn more, I recomend this helpful document: http://derpy.me/EznGuide
If you have any questions over anything I've raised, feel free to ask.
2089391
I second this.
I am going to regret reading this later... so please post updates fast.
wow, this is actualy pretty good. keep it up, dude.