You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on!

A New Dimension

What would happen if Twilight Sparkle never existed? What would happen if Applejack wasn't in the apple family? What if all the animals didn't have Fluttershy? What if the Sonic Rainboom was never performed? What if Rarity wasn't the dressmaker in town? What if parties weren't created by Pinkie pie? What if, what if what if!?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Munchkana

Munchkana #1 · Jan 17th, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

This story doesn't make a lot of sense. It needs explnation and it could use some revising.

hawthornbunny

hawthornbunny #2 · Jan 17th, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

It seems like you have some good ideas, but you're making the classic beginner mistake: the Wall of Text. It's almost impossible to follow what's going on in your story because every sentence is jammed together. Any emotional or dramatic impact your words might have are lost in the mess.

At the very least, you must begin a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. If you don't do this, then it's very difficult to follow who's saying what in the dialogue.

I'd say your pacing is a too quick as well, especially for a story which is an introduction to a new universe. One chapter in, and we've already met the entire mane six. Now obviously the circumstances of their meeting is entirely up to you as the author - there's nothing that says you have to introduce them one at a time like the show did. But throwing all the ponies in at once has little significance at this point in the story, because we don't know anything about them other than their names and appearances.

I think your story has potential however, so keep trying! I am at least interested to see more, which is always a good trick to be able to pull off. :)

GetJinxed