Chapter 1: Opening Formalities
“Time to go, Applejack. Are you ready?”
The palomino alicorn opened one of her eyes, half-glaring at the abrupt interruption. She’d spent the last hour or so meditating to clear her mind of thoughts, because at the moment, not thinking at all was vastly preferable to thinking about what lay ahead of her. “No,” she replied brusquely. Even though twelve years had passed since the farmpony’s ascension and subsequent coronation as the Lady of the Soil, Her Serene Immortal Highness Princess Mara of Equestria, in many ways Applejack was first and foremost the Bearer of Honesty.
Fortunately, Merry May had been serving as the captain of the guard for the Princess since before her coronation—before she’d even wanted anypony to serve her, in fact. “Is something wrong, or is it just that y’all don’t wanna do it?” Even though Mara had long ago canceled her order for Merry May to imitate her native accent, the chartreuse pegasus still occasionally used it, usually when she felt the need to be as blunt as her Princess.
Applejack responded by opening her other eye and increasing the intensity of her glare. “Can’t imagine why anypony would wanna deal with those pieces of work. In fact, I’m pretty sure that that’s the reason I gotta do the heavy liftin’ on this stupid lawsuit!” This was true; the only reason that this particular case had reached the Ducal Court was because the previous trials had resulted in hung juries and appellate judges passing the buck on to higher courts due to their unwillingness to make any sort of decision. Princess Mara would have liked to take a similar tactic, except that the only court higher than Equestria’s three Ducal Courts was the Royal Court, and she sat on that bench as well. Besides, the Royal Court only convened when all three of Equestria’s Princesses unanimously decided that a case needed further review, and while there was certainly something to be said for allowing friends to help her through the difficulties of life, Celestia and Luna were unlikely to agree to this before she had reached an initial verdict on her own, and she was in no mood to hear this case twice.
The alicorn sighed as she rose from her favorite cushion; it had been intricately embroidered with a pattern of tessellated apple leaves by Granny Smith—one of the last things the lovable old jade had done for her granddaughter before passing away. She shook her head back and forth, allowing her mane to flow and billow outward, waving in an imperceptible, ethereal wind and allowing the occasional streak of brown, maroon, or gold to catch the light. “Mara’s Apples, this is going to suck,” the Princess said out loud to nopony in particular. Ponies who only knew her in formal contexts were often surprised at how often she took her own name in vain when there weren’t any foals or dignitaries in earshot. She particularly liked “Mara’s Apples,” since it took most ponies quite some time to figure out that the apples in question didn’t come from an orchard.
A bronze-rimmed Stetson slowly floated on top of Applejack’s head as she racked her brain for any excuse to continue procrastinating. Finding none, she reluctantly headed out of her chambers and began walking through its halls to the throne room of her Ponyville estate, where she normally held her Ducal Court. The Princess hated presiding over civil trials. With criminal trials, everything was so simple: the prosecution laid out the evidence, and the defense tried to poke holes in it. If the evidence held up, the defendant was deemed to be guilty and sentenced accordingly.
Civil trials, on the other hoof, were a huge pain in the neck. Unlike criminal trials, they were separated into two stages: accusation, where each party would attempt to demonstrate their “moral character,” after which the party deemed less moral would be saddled with the burden of proof, and inquisition, where the pertinent evidence would be examined in order to reach a final verdict.
“Um, Princess? You forgot your judicial robes,” Merry May called out as Applejack opened the door to a long hallway. Arguably, the most prominent way that her ascension had changed her sleepy hometown was the addition of the Harvest Palace to the landscape. This imposing structure was known to the locals (and any other pony who could see it from a distance) as the “World Tree,” which was quite apt, since it was built in, around, and from a massive, living apple tree, originally crafted from a large circle of smaller trees which eventually melded into a single organism whose growth showed no signs of stopping. It was inside this domed pseudo-trunk that she normally held her court, hosted dignitaries, and threw the occasional Royal Hoedown with Pinkie Pie’s assistance. Jutting out from the sides of this tree were four long barns which provided living space for guests, permanent staff, and Mara’s personal guard. The Princess was currently wandering down a flight of stairs from the boughs of the the tree, where the royal apartments were located.
She seemed quite willing to brush off her captain’s concerns. “Believe me, Merry, this circus ain’t gonna be worthy of that kinda respect. If things turn out the way I think they will, I’ll have my hooves full just tryin’ ta keep from goin’ nuts.”
“Why?”
“I take it y’all haven’t kept up with current events,” Applejack replied as she levitated the morning newspaper off of a nearby coffee table and floated it over to her captain. “Read this.”
It didn’t take long for Merry May to realize why her Princess was so agitated: “Diamond Tiara v. FlimFlam?!”
—————
“All rise.”
Even though news of this trial had made the front page of the Ponyville Express, Applejack had been stunned to see her cavernous throne room crammed with spectators; that sort of public attention was usually reserved for the most sordid of criminal trials, not the internecine squabbles of public nuisances.
Merry May, meanwhile, continued with her duties as the Court’s marshall. “The High Court of the Duchy of Ponyville is now in session. Her Serene Immortal Highness Princess Mara, Duchess of Ponyville, Appleloosa, and the Southern Expanse, presiding.”
Applejack slowly strolled out of a side room and up to an elevated oak throne decorated with applewood inlays. She rapped a hoof on one of the throne’s armrests (as the hoof of a Goddess was considered to be more than sufficient for use as a gavel) and, in the Manehattan accent she affected for formal proceedings, said, “Be seated. The issue before Our Court today concerns a grievance brought by Diamond Tiara against FlimFlam Brothers, Inc.” Normally, the Princess disliked the rote formalities that accompanied her role as a jurist, but today was different. Today, they were comforting in their predictability, and she wanted to relish this calmness as long as possible.
Unfortunately, though, only Goddesses were eternal. “Is the plaintiff present?” Applejack reluctantly asked.
“I am,” responded a haughty voice to the Princess’ left. It had been several years since Applejack had spoken to Diamond Tiara. The last time she’d been in the room with the mare, it was to inform her that Sweet Apple Acres would no longer be supplying Zap Apple Jam to Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. Since then, she’d traded in her tiara for a cravat, ostensibly to look more professional as the CEO of her family’s company, but Applejack suspected that it was meant to be a backhanded insult at Apple Bloom; if she was a princess, then clearly becoming a princess wasn’t special enough to be worth pursuing as a goal.
“Have you employed the services of an advocate to present your argument?”
“I have, Your Majesty.” Somehow, Diamond Tiara managed to make this sound like an insult without using any sarcasm. “Silver Spoon.”
Unlike her client, Silver Spoon didn’t show any emotion as she made eye contact with the Princess and silently nodded. She was a relatively recent graduate of Neightre Dam Law School, but had already acquired a reputation as a skilled attorney. She’d already managed to settle quite a few disputes that had arisen from Diamond Tiara’s abrasive personality after Filthy Rich’s sudden passing, which was the likely origin of persistent rumors that she was the major reason why Rich’s Barnyard Bargains had managed to stay in business.
Princess Mara now turned her attention to the other side of her courtroom. “Are the defendants present?”
“Indeed we are, Your Majesty,” replied a mustachioed unicorn stallion—the Princess couldn’t quite remember if he was Flim or Flam, but at the moment, she didn’t really care. The twins’ appearances hadn’t changed very much since their ill-fated attempt to take over Sweet Apple Acres; both were still quite trim, and neither appeared to have gained any wrinkles over the years, which the Princess attributed to some form of plastic surgery. In fact, the only indication that either of them had aged a day were the white hairs that seemed to be creeping into this twin’s mustache.
“And, might I add that you’re looking quite regal today?” his clean-shaven brother added. Apparently, their usual tactic of “turning on the charm” was so deeply etched into their psyches that they didn’t even think about whether or not the context was appropriate. Although she was sorely tempted to point out that, as part of Equestria’s ruling triumvirate, she always looked regal by definition, the Princess knew better than to engage the twins in anything other than the standard legally structured conversation and chose to ignore the rather transparent attempt at flattery.
“Which one are you again?”
“Flim, Your Majesty, and my hirsute brother is none other than Flam!” he replied in a voice that sounded far too enthusiastic for Applejack’s taste.
“And have you employed an advocate to present your defense?” Mara asked, her voice already taking on a hint of weariness.
“Indeed, we have, Your Majesty,” Flam replied.
Flim continued, “To defend our honor from the despicable, shameful, odious and hateful accusations of the craven and cowardly mare seated to your right...”
“...we have employed the services of the sharpest, wittiest, and most superlative legal mind in all of Equestria...”
“...our beautiful...”
“...talented...”
“...incomparably engaging sister, Slim!” the twins ended in chorus.
Princess Mara hadn’t expected to learn that the unicorn mare sitting beside the defendants was actually related to them. She thought that the cream-colored pony with a set of unbalanced scales for a cutie mark was simply being paid extra to wear a red version of the brothers’ blue striped vest, particularly since most mares with her body frame were either supermodels or Goddesses. She ran a hoof through her wavy, lavender mane (which, like her brothers’, contained occasional streaks of white). “May it please the court, I would like to say that it will be my pleasure to argue this case before you, Your Most Royal Majesty, and the gathered residents of this fine village, and I look forward to this opportunity to very definitively demonstrate the baselessness of the plaintiff’s positively preposterous claims.”
Mara of the Soil, she’s as bad as her brothers, Applejack thought to herself. She pushed this aside, knowing that the best way to get through this as quickly as possible was to do things by the book. “Silver Spoon, will you please relate the nature of your client’s grievance and the circumstances behind it for the benefit of the court?”
The grey mare briefly glowered at her counterpart before complying with the Princess’ request. “Your Majesty, my client is suing the defendants for the sum of 350,000 bits which are owed to her due to their breach of the contract held between them. After my client’s business lost their supplier for Zap Apple Jam, the defendants came to my client and proposed to begin research into the feasibility of creating a commercially viable substitute for zap apples using unicorn magic. My client agreed to fund their research, investing the 275,000 bits of her personal fortune in the defendants’ venture. Six months passed, with no communication between the two parties. When my client personally visited the defendants, she found that all of her money was missing, and that there was no evidence that any of the agreed-upon research had been undertaken. She asks that this Court award her the original sum of her investment, with additional punitive damages of 75,000 bits.”
“Ha!” Slim cried out derisively as Silver Spoon sat down.
Princess Mara raised an eyebrow at this unexpected outburst. “I assume the defense has prepared a response?”
Slim stood up and began pacing in front of the throne as she answered: “Your Most Royal Majesty, I am quite frankly shocked and insulted that the plaintiff would think to spin such a web of slander around my clients! First of all, the partnership between my clients and the plaintiff was her brainchild, as she was the one who sought them out, convincing them to tear their attention from other, equally ambitious projects. Secondly, I can prove, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that my clients regularly sent correspondence, signed, sealed, and sent directly through the Equestrian Postal System, to the plaintiff, who subsequently signed documentation undeniably demonstrating their delivery. Had Miss Tiara bothered to read this correspondence, she would doubtless have learned that her wisely spent bits were spent on scientific instruments—instruments that would be used to methodically test each of my clients’ theories as they worked their way towards the desired solution, and which she herself witnessed being used in their private laboratory during the same visit her attorney mentioned. They ask that this Court, in its infinite wisdom, find them without fault in this matter, that they be refunded their legal fees, and that Miss Tiara publicly apologize for her egregious waste of their extremely valuable time.”
Applejack glanced over at the plaintiff’s table and saw Diamond Tiara literally shaking with rage as Slim finished her opening statement. Given that the mare’s lack of self-restraint was a major part of what had led to her company’s inability to supply Zap Apple Jam in the first place (at least in the Princess’ admittedly biased opinion), it seemed likely that she’d have to take action to maintain an orderly Court. “Very well,” Mara said to nopony in particular. “As none of the lower courts were able to complete the accusation process in this matter, this Court will adjourn so that your advocates can prepare their arguments.” Of course, neither Silver Spoon nor Slim actually needed more prep time, but it would have been rude to imply that the courtroom needed to be emptied before the plaintiff blew a gasket. “We will reconvene tomorrow, and the plaintiff shall be granted the liberty to demonstrate her moral character. Our Court is adjourned.” The Princess rapped her hoof against the wooden armrest, and slinked back into the side chamber before anypony could make eye contact with her.
—————
Five minutes later, Merry May entered the chamber, holding a large glass bottle with Granny Smith’s smiling face on the label. “Something told me you needed something a bit stronger than hard cider today.”
The alicorn smiled as she levitated the bottle of applejack out of her captain’s grasp. She didn’t normally drink the liquor that she’d been named after, but these were most definitely not normal circumstances. She poured herself a glass, which she downed in a single gulp. “Merry May, have I ever told y’all that you’re the best pony I’ve ever met?”
“You have, but then again, you tend to exaggerate whenever you’re drinking,” the pegasus replied with a smirk. For the first time all day, Applejack laughed.
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Looks interesting. Will have to read the other first though.
What if I want an illegal comedy?
1918964
Or an illegal danish?
I'll have to put this on my "read later" list, but I look forward to seeing how someone else handles Applejackicorn.
I'm Blue Print and I approve this message.
1919006
1919019 I'm iloveportalz0r, and Gak is back!
1919019
Good, because if you didn't I'd have to call in reverse-werepony Lyra. And nobody wants that, now.
1919058
Exactly.
1919066 Indeedility
All of my yes. This is fun, and I desire more.
1919082 Fun!
not sure which side i am on
1919166 Why not both?
1919193 cant do that not a politician
1919198 You are now. Congratulations
Well this looks fun, good opener. Just out of curiosity, do you work in the legal field yourself Kwakerjak?
I am reminded of Pegasus Brigades' story by reading this, only to the mere fact that he was the first to touch down on flim and flam and pony lawsuits.
Seems interesting
Huh. Turns out I dislike Diamond Tiara way more than I dislike the FlimFlams. I think I will be rooting for them for the time being. And a sister named Slim? Headcanon tentatively acquired.
1919379 Diamond Tiara is best filly
Y'know, I'm actually more interested in why Applejack dropped her contract for the distribution of Zap Apple Jam. I doubt it 's simply because Diamond Tiara is a vicious little nag with a personality as abrasive as an emery board. Applejack is loyal to family but she also is very pragmatic. I strongly suspect that Diamond tried to do something underhand to get a better deal and learnt that attempting to fool a goddess is the act of a fool.
This case, on the other hand, strikes me as being a case of "he said" verses "she said". Everything depends on who can prove what was the agreed usage of the disputed amount. If Diamond and Silver Spoon can prove that Flim and Flam understated their likely costs, then she'll win. If Flim, Flam and Slim can show Diamond just didn't ask enough questions and assumed things about what would be done with her bits then... Well, AJ and the law can't protect her from her stupidity.
Poor AJ will need a lot of AJ to get through this.
Huh?
There's either something missing or something extra (of)
Shouldn't that be a question mark.
I guess AJ could serve as an impartial judge in this case, since she dislikes both parties almost equally.
Still, is there any way we could have both sides lose the case? Because I just can't bring myself to root for either the Flim Flam Fibbers or Diamond Tiara the Shrew. Poor Applejack.
A very interesting idea. However, a few slight problems -
Don't judges need to be unbiased? How then did she get saddled with this case? Sure, she has good reason to hate both parties, however, that doesn't equate to a 'fair' trial' - simply one in which neither party receives justice.
And I'm afraid you completely confused me with that 'Mara's Apples' thing.
I like
1919379 Seconded n_n Though lavender mane? I can run with that.
This is gonna be good, if this starting chapter is any indication.
That was fun, too short, but fun! I hope to read more soon <3
Boy, reading Slim's line in a semi-singsong voice was quite delightful with how well her lines were written lol
Something tells me Silver Spoons is rather miffed at DT. Wonder what keeps those two bound so close.
Friendship is a weird thing sometimes. You may know a friend is a brat, yet you still end up doing what you can to help.
1919058 it's a gak attack, run!
1920160 - Blue Paint and I went through a lot of brainstorming about how the Equestrian legal system might be set up in order to keep AJ from recusing herself from the case. In this case, it's because there's no lower court opinion for her to let stand, and because none of the Princesses interfere with each other's Ducal Courts in order to maintain a separation of powers.
As for Mara's Apples...
For the first time ever, I am going to be cheering for Diamond Tiara.
1920723 - She's not really miffed. She just believes that an attorney should be stoic when arguing a case, so she's holding back her emotions.
1921957 hehe ok I thought it was foreshadowing or a hint that maybe she wasn't too pleased at DT for getting into this mess since she was glowering at DT.
EDIT: Silver Spoon super serious. In an attorney's suit? I'd like to see that drawn!
EDIT2: Actually I think I have already! XD I'll look!
EDIT3: nope... man there is a severe drought of FiM characters in attorney outfits :(
There's definitely a lot of potential for comedy here, but it's strange that you didn't include much, or any really, in this first chapter. Not a fan of starting with a bang?
I can already tell why Diamond Tiara lost the Zap Apple rights, because she is a bitch with a stick so far up her ass that it acts as her tongue.
1919592 Actually most likely it wasn't Applejack. There are lots of reasons why even if she's still working the farm she isn't the one really running the farm. And remember this is 12 years down the road so it's most likely Applebloom that dropped the contract. AJ did say she lost it because she lost her temper, and she seems way more likely do do that dealing with Applebloom.
Umm, you named her Princess Mara?
...
Look at this... but cover your eyes.
http://megamitensei.wikia.com/wiki/Mara
1922622 - First off, I didn't name her that, Blue Print did. Second, the Mara she's named after isn't the Hindu Goddess of death, it's the Latvian Goddess of the Earth.
1921123 I shall run into it!
1922773 Keep calm and Gak on?
1922916 Indeedility
Go Diamond Tiara! WOO!
It's a pity they can't both lose.
Most enjoyable thus far. I look forward to more, especially if plantiff and/or defendant attempts... extralegal means of swaying the outcome.
If this is true, then I would transfer ownership of the instruments to Diamond Tiara and be done with it.
"triumvirate" seems particularly inapropos here. 5 minutes of googling suggests the coinage "triumequaate" (trium "three" + equa "mare").
1945946 - Take it up with Blue Print.
1945966
fair enough
1945946>>1945966>>1945982 Sorry, nope! You are thinking of Triumhominate. Triumvirate, taken back to its roots, means three striplings or three heroic potentates. It refers to masculinity, in the antiquated sense of dominance and potency, not mankind, or even gender really. The feminine equivalent would probably be triummollitate, meaning three soft, effeminate things, or something. In any case, that isn't the message you'd want to send to a populace under oligarchic rule. (This being a term used under the first unified government of Equestria, and predating Celestia and Luna's rule by centuries)
tl;dr
I over-think things.
Gongrats on having this recognized as canon to the AoAJ-verse.
Shouldn't this be 'liked' or 'likes'?