Pain Train and other painful things not associated with trains

A stallion with a smarmy grin walked along the perfectly cut lawn, enjoying a fine and beautiful day in the quaint town of Ponyville. He admired the trimmed trees, the carefully detailed flower arrangements, and the calm atmosphere surrounding its citizens. He hadn’t seen the delicate life of a small town until recently, an-

BLAM.

“Woo!” The muscular minotaur yelled in his face. “You know you can’t stand wherever you damn well please! If you see a sign, you gotta mind! This ain’t new baby!” As he stood over him, he saw the pony scramble off of the lawn in fear, leaving a small dirt trail. Taking a deep inhale matched by an exhale, he grabbed some incredibly small yard clippers and began to repair the damage. He waved to a small child who passed by, who in turn waved with glee, despite just seeing the event.

Some ponies have called us crazy for bringing the minotaur on board; however, we at the Office for a Better Ponyville have been astounded by Iron Will’s progress in the field, literally. Crime has decreased by a substantial margin, citizens are much friendlier, and retail sales are up. Generally, the economy is great thanks to his unique abilities and our residents have reported being much happier. Crazy? Yes. Does it work? Yes.

The mint unicorn sat on the bench, crumpling a ball of paper with her magic. She turned left and spotted an open-top trash can. Sticking her tongue out, she aimed the ball. With a flick of an imaginary wrist, the paper careened through the air and bounced off the rim, missing the garbage. Shrugging, she turned back to her original position.

Where the infamous minotaur was already charging at her. “OH CR-“

BLAM.

“Where do you think this is? The dump? If you don’t make the bucket, truck- it!”

“What does that even mean!?”

“It means if I see you littering again, I won’t be using the resettable benches!” He got up and then, as the name suggested, reset the bench back into place. “Oh,” he continued with a sudden happy tone, “and tell Bon- Bon I said happy birthday.”

~~~

Iron Will is an enforcer. Iron Will makes sure that his town his safe. Sure, I sometimes have to tackle a few ponies who forget the rules, but Iron Will knows that sometimes… he needs to play mind games.

~~~

A teenager pony eyed the balloon stall with that certain eye of greed. He paced slowly around it, taking careful hoofsteps. He raised an eyebrow as a filly came up to the vendor with a stray bit a parent had likely given her. Swerving towards the stall, he took a sudden lunge and snipped a string with his mouth. With a wicked teenager smile over his small victory, he paced away from the stall with a villainous pep in his step.

Then, he caught eyes of him.

“You better go put that balloon back!” he screamed furiously, running in place while pumping his fists.

“Ok! Ok!” the teen wailed in fear, working with his hooves to grab the string.

“Here comes the pain train! WOO WOO!”

“I’m getting it back on! I swear!” Through his terrified sniffles, he scrambled to finish the knot.

“I hope you’re ready! In FIVE! FOUR!”

“Ok! It’s on! It’s on!” He retreated into a fetal position. “Just please don’t hurt me-he-he…”

Iron Will formed a V with his fingers and pointed them at his eyes, then at the pony, all with a serious face. As he walked away, the crowd continued with their business, except for the vendor, which he high fived.

What surprised the community the most after the first week was just how well he assimilated into our peaceful town of Ponyville. After the initial reactions, citizens were more than happy to approach him. Even the children have taken a shining to him.

The muscular mammal smiled as the line passed along pots of flowers to him. The three flower cutie-marked mares in turn gave him a giggle.

“What, is my headband on wrong?”

“-and as you can see, if you subtract seven to the opposite side, you’ll notice that the answer is four. You can double check this by substituting four back into the original equation. Any questions?” He bounced the end of the pointer against his palm as he reviewed the problem on the projector.

“Mr. Will, why did they choose X to replace the numbers?”

“It could be any letter. It could be L, W, Q, B, or any letter of the alphabet. It could even be Iron Will’s face.”

“Your face is equal to four?”

“Only if that means four times the AWESOME!” he yelled enthusiastically with a trademark fist pump.

“YEAH!” the class enthusiastically responded.

“You’re the best substitute ever! We love you!"

“You know you can’t smoke in a non-smoke section, Spitfire! This ain’t new b-“

“Good morning, Iron Will,” Cheerilee greeted as she walked into the diner.

“Oh hello, Ms. Cheerilee, glad to see you’re feeling better,” he responded, standing upright. Then he bent back over to his most recent victim. “You’re lucky Iron Will is in the middle of eating his waffles…” He absconded the Wonderbolt’s syrup bottle while huffing a puff of smoke from his snout.

Of course, Ponyville is not always so bright and cheery as a warm sunny day. Sometimes there are drizzles in an afternoon of humid contentment.

The mail mare shoved more letters into the box. As she flapped to the next mail center across the way, she failed to see the town’s idol in front of her.

Bump.

“Noooo!”

“Ahhh! Iron Will’s leg!” he grunted in pain as he slowly rolled on the ground, making those hissing noises guys make when they try to cope with a fresh injury.

“I’m sorry…” the pegasus apologized.

~~~

Pain? Ha, pain does not move Iron Will; Iron Will moves himself with force in every step. They think they can go around and do whatever while Iron Will is away? They’re in for a surprise…

A rude, painful surprise!

~~~

The show mare stood on her hind legs as another flare bust into a wondrous design over the stage. She took haughty steps with self-invoked swagger as she prepared for her next move.

“Trixie will now per-“

BLAM.

As they tumbled through the back exit, the audience could hear the enforcer yell at the mare.

“You know you can’t perform with those kinds of fireworks, TRIXIE!”

“But Trixie i-“

“If you don’t read the law, I’ll shut the great and powerful jaw!”

For a moment, there was a bit of silence. Suddenly, Iron Will leisurely walked onto stage. “Do you all want to see some reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaal magic?” he called out, holding a hand to his ear. He smirked at the scoff from behind stage. Receiving the response he figured he’d get, he jumped off the front and flexed his arms. Turning around, still flexing, he readied himself and bent down. Using his legs, he picked up the stage with one strong heft.

“Hooooaaaah!” he exclaimed.

To be honest… I wish we had ten Iron Will’s.

Iron Will just does what his talents let him. After his motivational speaking career flopped, he has found his abrasive personality works well for keeping the squishier citizens in line. Iron Will does not mean squishy in a derogatory term, I have learned that some squishy ponies can come through in a pinch. A pegasus taught me that once.

Mr. Will, do you enjoy what you do?

Ha ha ha… yeah.

Author's Note:

I don't own MLP:FiM or Terry Tate, this is just a silly crossover.

I use the incomplete tag loosely as I may return to this. There is more than one episode of Terry Tate after all.

Cheers
~Cosmic

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