The Saints hit Equestria

by Dubious

Alicornitis

Alicornitis

After taking a quick nap in an abandoned wagon, Boss started trudging off in a random direction, unknowingly being followed. After another three hour sprint, Boss decided to look around for something to sat her appetite. Spotting a dilapidated structure in the distance, she decided to walk there, instead of an all out sprint like she usually does to get around. After three minutes, she noticed several dozen shadows surrounding her.

"THE GODDESS DEMANDS YOUR HEAD!" thirty voices called out as one.

"Neat, I wonder if the Sonic Boom will affect you." Boss said as she pulled out the Sonic Boom.

"DO YOU THINK THE GODDESS TO BE SO WEAK AS TOO-" The voice was cut off as it was replaced b a startled gasp. Boss had just shot the alicorn in front of her with a fully charged Sonic Boom, managing to launch it back twenty meters and shatter its shield.

"Well that's one way to break a shield." She mused, when suddenly the unshielded alicorn's head exploded violently. "Huh. I wonder if someones got my back." Boss said, opening up on the nearby alicorns with the Sonic Boom, taking out their shields for the mysterious sniper.

"HAHA! LETS SEE HOW YOU HANDLE THIS!" The Goddess decried as Boss was launched into the air. After crashing into the ground at terminal velocity, Boss stood up and dusted herself off.

"What was that supposed to accomplish?" She asked as the alicorns stared in awe at her. Taking her opportunity, Boss shot the nearest alicorn with a Sonic Boom and then launched a mollusk at it. After receiving an Ethical the alicorn began attacking its companions.

"WHAT MANNER OF TRICKERY IS THIS?!" The Goddess cried out as Boss kept shooting mollusks at the alicorns.

"It's just something I picked up from Professor Genki." Boss told her, as only one alicorn remained. "Boom baby." Boss called out, detonating each mollusk which in turn caused the mollusked alicorns to explode violently and fall to the ground in pieces. After shooting the last alicorn until its shield gave out, Boss sat down.

"That's some high quality weapons you got yerself." A southern voice called out from behind her.

"Thanks. I spent like a couple hundred grand on the SMGs, Pistols, and shotgun." Boss told the voice as she turned around, coming face-to-face with a brown unicorn stallion.

"Wow, you must be swimmin' in caps!" He said in an excited voice.

"Nah, I just used actual money to get them upgraded at friendly fire." Boss said, wiping some blood off her stolen Deckers uniform.

"Wut?"

"I'm from another planet, possibly even another universe. Where I come from I'm the head of an all powerful gang that now owns a city state."

"So yer a raider?" The unicorn asked, leveling his sniper on Boss.

"No, we're a world renowned brand name. Ultor made sure that we were celebrities."

"Oh, sorry about pointin' mah gun at ya." the unicorn apologized.

"It's alright, it wouldn't have done anything anyway. I'm Boss by the way." She said, holding her hand out for him to shake.

"Ah'm Nettle Stalk, and ah'm a bounty hunter in these parts." He told her, accepting her handshake.

"Nice to meet you, don't supose you know who this 'Goddess' is, do you?"

"You don't know who tha Goddess is?"

"Not from around here, remember?"

"Oh, right. Well tha Goddess is supposedly out to help better ponykind by turnin' us all inta alicorns, unfortunately, once you join 'em, yer gone, fer good." He told her.

"I've fought worse." She shrugged.

"She controls and army a flyin' unicorns, how've you fought worse?"

"I once had to fight off an entire horde of zombies with enough strength to toss a car."

"Are you a bigot?" Nettle asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Actual zombies, STAG made some sort of gas that turns people into zombies. Mayor Renalds asked asked me to clean it up for him."

"Must'a been hard."

"Not really, I mean once you get past the fact I nearly turned into a zombie. It was easy as pie, just had to shoot the containers into the river with my Sonic Boom here, and it was done. Of course I kept some so I could have my own friendly zombies, and I also have a zombification grenade." She told him, taking out a zombie grenade.

"Wow, I'd better watch you, don't want nopony getting ahold'a yer weapons." Nettle told her, motioning for her to follow him.

"So, where are we going?" Boss asked.

"To New Apploosa. Its where I'm stayin' at the moment. Cozy little place, once ya get past the fact everypony is packin'."

"Funny, everyone I know at least has a .45 shepard on them at all times."

"What's that?"

"It's only the greatest handgun one can buy, I've upgraded mine with explosive rounds." Boss said, nuzzling one of her .45 Shepard's.

"Yer quite attached to yer pistols, aint ya?"

"Very, I can take down a helicopter with these babies."

"Helicopter?"

"Flying machine."

"Like a sky carriage?"

"Sure, though I'm pretty sure it can actually fly, unlike these sky wagons I've been seeing around. They don't even have an engine."

"Engine? You mean like they have on trains?"

"You're joking, right? How can you not have the internal combustion engine? It's, like, the pinnacle of modern society."

"Well, ah guess didn't need it with all the pegasi to fly us around."

"If I can get my hands on a VTOL, I'm so taking you on a joy ride."

"Why?"

"It shoots energy missiles and has a laser."

"Ooh, it must be pretty expensive to buy one'a those."

"How should I know? I usually just steal 'em from STAG."

"What's STAG?" Nettle asked as they neared the halfway mark to New Apploosa.

"Special Tactical Anti-Gang unit."

"Lemme guess, they were brought in to deal with your gang?"

"As well as the syndicate."

"Ah see, so yer gang was so dangerous, that a special government agency was made to take it down?"

"More like they contracted a paramilitary organization with better everything than us to take down all gangs."

"Ah see, so how're you still here?"

"You can't beat the saints."

"Gonna elaborate on that?"

"Nope."

"Fine, we're three minutes away from New Apploosa anyway."

"H-how did you know that?" Boss asked, taking a step away from Nettle, thinking he was a witch.

"Ah've got me a Pip-buck, fancy little machine."

"I see, I still think my phones better." Boss told him, holding up her touch screen smart phone, that still somehow had internet access.

"Wow, that's pretty small, you sure it'll hold up against some of the deadlier weapons?"

"It's survived me taking over an entire city. I'm sure it can take a missile or two." At that moment Boss' phone was hit by a sniper bullet, completely destroying it. "Fuck."

"Get down!" Nettle called from behind a wall.

"Why?" Boss asked as a sniper bullet impacted her leg, ripping through it completely. "... DIE MOTHER FUCKER!!" She yelled out, opening fire in the direction of the shooter.

"Aren't yah gonna pass out from the pain?" Nettle asked from his hiding spot.

"After I kill this fucker." Boss replied, hearing a disappointing click come from her SMGs. "That's not good." She stated, completely confused as to why her guns stopped working, until she took another bullet to the leg, causing her to stumble and nearly drop her SMGs.

"Get behind cover!" Nettle called out, scanning the area with his snipers scope. Boss replied with a nod of her head, stumbling over to Nettle.

"What's happening to me? I feel... I feel weak." Boss told Nettle, before passing out from blood loss.

"Ah shit!" Nettle swore, this just was not going well. Then a burst of light emanated from Boss's unconscious form. "What now." Nettle sighed, taking the days events in stride, the mental breakdown could wait until he had alcohol. Once the light faded, he looked upon the prone form of a unicorn, a unicorn with a dark cyan mane and, of all the oddities, a chrome blue coat. Her cutie mark was two pistols crossed over a fluer de lis. Nettle noted that they appeared to be the same type as Boss' prized .45 Shepard's.

"Sigh." Nettle said as he zeroed in on the sniper and shot them through the eye. "This had better not turn out to be something bad." He mumbled to himself, hoisting Boss up onto his back so he could carry her back to New Apploosa.

---

"Ugh, what happened?" Boss asked, rubbing her head with her hooves.

"Uh, you got shot in the legs and then passed out. Ah had ta drag ya here."

"Okay, I already knew that, I just meant, WHY THE FUCK AM I A PONY!!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs, easily being heard all the way to the hoof.

"Uh, yer phone thingy got destroyed and after you passed out you sorta turned inta a unicorn." Nettle explained, rubbing his ears in a hope to get the ringing out.

"Oh... Well this sucks." Boss stated, calmly.

"Yer not made that yer a pony?"

"Not really, I've probably had worse happen."

"Really?" Nettle asked.

"Yeah, I just can't remember them since they happened on drug trips."

"Ah don't know what a drug trip is, but it must be something bad if worse things than this have happened ta ya."

"I got high and did some random shit. The only one I remember was me getting drugged by a rival gang and ending up killing my way back to my gangs main case of operations and saving Shaundi."

"Who's Shaundi?"

"An old friend, she was killed by STAG whilst I was hunting down Killbane."

"That must'a been terrible."

"Well when STAG brought in the Daedalus and started destroying the city, I had to cut the mourning short and go single handedly take out an airship with enough firepower to level a small country."

"You've taken down airships?"

"Just the one." Boss clarified as she stumbled around the room trying to learn how to walk again.

"Ah see."

"Getting around this place would be so easy if I had a helicopter or plane." Boss said to no one in particular, letting out a little cheer when she managed to walk in a straight line.

"Wow, now ya just need ta learn ta use yer magic and then ya can go scavenging with me."

"Magic? I can do magic?! AWESOME!" Boss cheered, accidentally exploding a bed on the opposite side of the room. "Whops." She sheepishly replied.

"Ah'll be back with some rudimentary magic tomes fer ya. Just stay here and don't explode anything."

"I won't." After Nettle left Boss heard another pony enter the room.

"Ah, you're awake. I'd just like to run some tests on you, nopony I know of could be shot in the legs and have them heal in less than a day." A unicorn with an orange mane and chestnut brown coat explained.

"I guess so, I mean it's not like you're gonna try and rape me, right?" Boss said to the stallion.

"Sure... I'm not going to rape you." He said, looking around.

"You're not the actual doctor, are you?" Boss deadpanned.

"Correct, I was hired to take you to Redeye."

"Well I'm fine right here, thank you very much." Boss stated, sitting down and becoming an immovable object.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice." The stallion explained.

"I still have my guns you know."

"You mean these guns?" He asked, holding up all of Boss' guns.

"YOU DIE NOW!" Boss yelled, suddenly charging the unicorn in front of her with impossible speed. The unicorn barely had enough time to dodge her attack, let alone have enough time to recover before her second charge. Boss stood over the mystery unicorn with a triumphant look on her face. "Any last words?" She asked with a smirk.

"Hope you enjoy the slave pits." He smiled, right before everything became white.

---

Once Boss could see again, she found herself in a cage with a strange collar around her neck. She could hear screams of agony coming from around her, there were cages stuffed with ponies hanging from the cieling around her. She also noticed there was several raiders torturing and raping ponies.

"Ah, the fresh meat's awake. BOYS! It's time to break in the newbie! HAHAHA!" One of the raiders called out, approaching Boss' cage.

"I don't think so." She said, narrowing her eyes. Just as the raider was about to open her cage, Boss busked with all her strength, removing the cage door with enough force to send it, and the raider, across the room with enough force to crack the wall.

"Hohoho! We got us a fighter." Another one of the raiders called out, before getting smacked in the head.

"You see this?" A posh sounding unicorn mare asked her, levitating a detonator. "This will trigger the explosives in your collar, all I have to do is press this button and pop, your head is gone. Now be a good little pony and let my boys here have their fun." She explained.

"Or, I could disarm the collar and beat you all to death." She smartly retorted.

"I doubt it... I really shouldn't taunt ponies with chrome coats." The posh unicorn deadpanned.

"Yeah." Boss told her, before launching out of her cage and smashing the closest raiders head together. "Now, how do I get out of here?" She asked politely, throwing the deceased raiders corpses in either direction. The unicorn hesitated, before finally sighing.

"Very well, follow me." She said in a resigned voice.

"Good, now lead on my pony guide." Boss giggled, severely creeping out anyone who heard.

After a good twenty minutes walk, Boss' captive stopped at a door. "This is the exit, once you go past it, you're on your own." The mare explained, slowly backing away.

"Thanks." Boss told her, right before snapping her neck and bucking the door off its hinges. "Surprise, Cockmunchers!" She called out, only to be met with silence from the six ponies in the room she'd been led to.

"Ah, so you're the mysterious pony Highhoof brought in a little while ago. Welcome, I am Redeye."

"I'm out." Boss said, turning around and heading towards the door, which promptly slammed shut.

"But you haven't heard my business proposal. You join me, and I left you live. Otherwise I have my friends here kill you."

"Fuck off." Boss taunted, raising both her forelegs before remembering she didn't have hands anymore. All at once, the five guards in the room charged towards Boss, who expertly popped a tab on a Saints Flow she kept for emergencies. Downing the whole thing in one go, she let out a small burp, before becoming enveloped in light. Once the light faded, Redeye and his five guards felt their jaws impact the ground. Standing in front of them was a massive chrome blue alicorn with enough visible muscle to tear through a stable door.

"... Open fire!" One of the Guards shouted, opening fire on Boss, being followed shortly afterwards by the other four guards. After a full two minutes of continuous shooting, Boss finally spoke up.

"That all you got?" She asked with a smirk, causing at least one guard to drop their weapons, before tearing them to shreds with telekinesis. "I'll let you live, but only because I want to build up my resources before going on an all-out campaign against you." She told him, before disappearing in a flash of blue.

"... She has a drink that can turn her into an alicorn. I must have it." Redeye thought to himself, calling for more guards to some and clean up the mess in his office.

Comments

[An Apathetic Hero]

This is so hilarious! LOVE IT! Keep them coming!

[Dubious]

3697910 Uh, I thought I changed this stories status from incomplete to cancelled. I have no writing mojo left, just so you know.

[An Apathetic Hero]

3698509 Wait? It's cancelled? That's sucks...

[Dubious]

3700997 Yeeaaaah, I kinda suck at writing things, anything really, it takes me about three weeks to write a three page essay...

[An Apathetic Hero]

3702366 Well, I still think its good.

[Dubious]

3702385 If you can get me a litre of good ideas and a litre of creative expression, I might be able to get writing again.

[An Apathetic Hero]

3702469 How would you measure words? Pinkie knows...

As for ideas, Alicorn boss maybe running around being crazy, Saints Row 4 style, and generally being a badass allround.

[Dubious]

3702489 Silly internet goer, I have all the saints rows. I also have all the Command and Conquers, but that's besides the point. I could just make a saints row IV in Fo:E fic, that'd probably end with the Boss ruling Equestria.

[An Apathetic Hero]

3702587 Here's an idea. After taking over the Empire and killing Zinyak, the Boss is over seeing the time travel to rescue people from the past, but, something goes wrong, and the Boss is transported to Equestria, with nothing but his/her powers (Fully Upgraded) and a Gun of your choice.

[Dubious]

3702609 Three hours later everything is dubstep and the Boss is back home. I'm actually wondering if XCOM should arrive in Equestria.

[An Apathetic Hero]

3702750 Dubstep... The music of the gods...As for XCOM, never played it. So I can't help you there...

[Dubious]

3702754 MECs with particle rifles and grenade launchers, seems like a winning combo, and lets not forget the plasma machinegun, and a guided fusion lance, so basically, three heavies and three Paladin MECs all with the best gear would reduce the Equestrian wasteland to molten slang in a week.

[An Apathetic Hero]

3703915 How would they fare against Celestia

[Dubious]

3710532 One of my vets took out a heavily fortified alien base singlehandedly, with a laser pistol, that's how well they'd fare.

[An Apathetic Hero]

3713852 Hot damn! I think they would fare just fine....