Mixing Drinks
Mixing Drinks
"Ugh. What happened?" Boss said as she grabbed her head, so this is what a hangover was? No wonder Kinzie rarely drinks.
"Hey! I heard something over here!" Boss heard a voice call out from somewhere. The sound of a dozen people approaching reached her ears. As the footsteps got closer she heard a series of startled gasps. "HELLHOUND!!" One of the voices shrieked as all the people who came to investigate her fled in terror.
"I've been called a lot of things, but hellhound is not one of them." Boss said, shaking her head to get rid of her headache.
"Actually, they were talking about me." A voice from behind her called out. Turning around she found herself face-to-face with a cross between a human and a wolf.
"I've had stranger adventures." Boss shrugged, remembering the time she had to dispose of a zombie gas which she ended up keeping.
"What do mean 'I've had stranger adventures'?" The Hellhound asked.
"As in one time I had to single handedly take down a paramilitary organizations airship."
"Maybe you could help us. If you're telling the truth and aren't just lying to make yourself look better to an obviously superior warrior."
"I'm immune to bullets." Was Boss' response.
"Sure you are. So if I was to shot you point blank in the chest, you wouldn't die?" The Hellhound asked.
"Yep. Fire away." At this, the Hellhound put a pistol to her chest and pulled the trigger. After spending several minutes gaping at the fact that Boss hadn't even flinched in the slightest as he shot her in the chest.
"Okay, I guess you aren't a liar. But how do you fare against grenades?" He said as he grabbed a frag grenade from his pack.
"I'm only able to be damaged by melee, and even then if I don't take any damage for a second I fully heal. Oh and I can sprint indefinitely."
"... If even half of that is true... you scare me." The Hellhound said.
"Well I generally wipe out the Steelport National Guard at least once a week out of boredom. I'm Boss by the way." She said, holding her hand out for the Hellhound to shake.
"I'm Frank." The Hellhound told her, accepting her handshake.
"Huh, I thought you'd have a more... Well wolfish sounding name."
"Most ponies say that when they meet one of us, right before we behead them and eat their corpses with a tasty BBQ sauce. If you want some, you can have this spare leg I was saving for a snack later."
"Sure, Here's a Saints Flow as a trade." Boss said, handing Frank a Saints Flow she carried on her person.
"What's this?" Frank asked as he sniffed the energy drink.
"It's Saints Flow, it's an energy drink Ultor released under the Saints brand name."
"What?" Frank asked, completely confused as to what Boss just said.
"Don't worry, it took me three explanations and a web search to understand what any of those meant." Boss explained.
"I don't remember if that's the irradiated stuff or the normal stuff. I guess we'll find out if you suddenly start shooting fireballs." Boss told Frank, ignoring the look on his face.
"Huh?"
"Some nerd figured out how to make Saints Flow give you super powers if you drink it. Only lasts for an hour though." She explained.
"How many of these do you have?" Frank asked with wonder in his voice.
"Just the twenty three. Only one's non-irradiated, better hope that's it. I doubt you'd like spending ten minutes running into buildings." Boss cautioned.
"GAH! This tastes like ass!" Frank exclaimed.
"Then it's not irradiated!" Boss cheered, taking a bite out of the pony leg she was given. "Eugh! This tastes terrible!" She cringed, that was the second worse thing she'd ever tasted, right after that week old unrefrigerated bacon she once had, the thought of which sent a chill down her spine.
"Pony isn't that bad." Frank said as he saw Boss shudder.
"It wasn't the pony, I just remembered the time I ate one week old unrefrigerated bacon." She told him, shuddering again.
"What's bacon?" Frank asked.
"It's a cut of meat from a pig."
"Pig?"
"It's either extinct here or it never existed in the first place, now come on, I want to get somewhere less depressing." Boss said, gesturing Frank to lead the way.
"Huh, this place has quite a lot of gems in it." Boss observed.
"Yes, we steal them from pony caravans. They make a good profit when we sell them at the bazaar." Frank explained.
"Cool, also I'm sure those raiders we encountered on the way here will get those mollusks off their heads eventually." BOss said with a slight chuckle, remembering how the raiders she shot with the Mollusk Launcher broke their pelvis' in order to do the splits that the mollusks make everything they're shot at do.
"Yes, that is an interesting weapon you have there, though nowhere near as interesting as that, what did you call it?"
"The Penetrator? Yeah, I picked it up after my crew took control of a brothel. I'm not going back there anytime soon."
"Well obviously, you aren't on the same planet as you were before."
"Even if I wasn't, that place was disgusting."
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Frank dismissed.
"It was weird fetish central in Steelport."
"Oh... Yeah okay it seems pretty disgusting now."
"HALT! Who goes there?" A Hellhound in leather armor said.
"Shut up chuck, I've brought this creature here to help us defeat the goddess." Frank told the guard.
"I find it hard to believe that something... So, weak looking could defeat the goddess. It isn't even wearing armor!"
"HEY! I'll have you know, I wore this jacket throughout my gangs domination of Steelport!" Boss defended.
"HA! What gang could possibly take over a city?" The guard belittled, letting out a bellowous laugh.
"The Saints, we took down an international crime organization call the Syndicate. I'm pretty sure I can take on anything you can throw at me." Boss boasted.
"The Goddess controls an army of magical beings that can tear you apart without a second glance. She can also read minds." The guard told her.
"I took down a paramilitary organization with access to infinitely more advanced technology than me, that gun stores happened to sell upgrades and ammo for."
"Sure." The guard said in a disbelieving tone.
"Take a look, then!" Boss said, drawing a level 4 S3x Hammer out of her pocket.
"How did you?" The guard and Frank both said in bewilderment.
"Deep pockets." Was all the explanation they would get.
"That does look pretty advanced." Frank stated as the guard nodded in agreement.
"Yea, I also brought my sniper, .45 shepards, D4th Blossoms, Viper laser rifle, and several different grenade types." Boss told the two, pulling the items in question out of her pockets, including a fart in a jar. "You can go ahead and keep those grenades, I have infinitely more where those came from." Boss told them.
"You may pass." The guard told Boss, who merely shrugged and moved past the guard accompanied by Frank.
"Now remember, don't do anything stupid, I'd really like for my pack to live."
"What the Tartarus is that!" A Hellhound exclaimed.
"Please don't piss her off! She could easily slaughter us all without breaking a sweat." Frank warned as boss did some strange dance, which made Frank want to cheer for some reason.
"How could something like that possibly be a threat to us?" A Hellhound asked.
"Like this." Boss replied, pulling the pin on a grenade and letting it explode in her hand.
"HAHA-OLY SHIT!" The Hellhound yelled as Boss stood there perfectly fine, not even a burn mark or hair out of place.
"Told you. I actually think she's a god."
"I doubt it, if I was that section on my phone labelled cheats would work instead of all the codes calling me a hacking noob."
"Oh, okay then. She's just really, really, really, really, really, really, really fucking hard to kill."
"Yeah, about that hard to kill." Boss concurred.
"Very well, I'm sure that the Elder will be very lenient with your task." The Hellhound said, silently taking bets on how long Boss would survive before the Goddess would beat her into a fine red paste.
After several minutes of walking and an equal number of displays of invincibility, Frank and Boss arrived at the Elders room, a train car with all but one entrance boarded up. After deciding to actually take a look around, Boss discovered the Hellhounds lived in an abandoned metro station, something Steelport was sorely lacking in.
"How quaint." Boss sarcasmed.
"Don't insult the Elders residence." Frank Warned.
"Sorry, it's just I'm used to living it up in luxurious penthouses in massive towering monuments to the saints."
"What?" Frank asked with a confused look on his face, again.
"All saints cribs that I took over are either massive skyscrapers or a heavily modified nuclear power plant." Boss clarified.
"Wow, you must be exceedingly wealthy." Frank said in awe.
"Yeah, though I'm not sure I can use any of it here." Boss sighed, so much money and it was all going to go to waste.
"How much money do you have?" Frank asked as they paused outside of the Elders train car.
"Lemme check." Boss said as she held up her phone. "Twenty six billion dollars. Rounded up to the nearest whole."
"*Incomprehensible gibberish*" Was Frank's answer to the exceedingly high amount of funds Boss had.
"Quit yer gibberin' and come in, damnit!" An old crotchy voice called out from inside the train car.
"Y-yes Elder." Frank stammered.
"Hehe. You're just as scared of him as I am of Oleg." Boss chortled.
"I can't imagine you being afraid of anything." Frank said as he reached for the door handle.
"Take me, then double the height, quadruple the muscle and intelligence, and deduct the nigh invincibility, and you have Oleg." Boss surmised.
"That terrifies me more than it should."
Turning the handle, Frank and Boss entered what could only be described as a mix between a witch doctors hut and a mad scientists laboratory. Weird shamanistic totems and fetishes were strewn around the walls and shelves, whereas mechanical body parts and organs dominated an entire portion of the train car. A small bed was in one corner, with a barely working fridge next to it.
"What terrifies you more than it should?" Elder asked, catching Frank off guard.
"One of this creatures friends." Frank explained.
"Can't be that bad." Elder said, waving his mechanical hand.
"Twice my height, quadruple the muscle and intelligence, enough to throw cars, and you have Oleg."
"That does sound particularly dangerous, but nothing a Hellhound can't handle. Now then, I assume you've been brought here in regards to our plight against the Goddess and her twice damned alicorn army?"
"Yeah, I've got nothing better to do." Boss shrugged, killing a god didn't seem that far out of her normal routine.
"Good, I'll give you a thousand caps to get you started, the rest is up to you." Elder said, handing over a sack of bottle caps, and a weird Hellhound head carved out of diamond. "Show that to any Hellhounds you meet and they'll leave you alone." Elder explained.
"Thanks, shame this place doesn't have any image as designed's. It would just hilarious if I would turn into a giant chrome pink dude with a green Mohawk." Boss reminisced.
"That would probably cause your enemies to break out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter leaving them open for attack." Elder strategically deduced.
"Probably, last time I did it I went zombie hunting." Boss laughing, getting a shocked gasp from Elder.
"How DARE you talk about ghouls that way!" Elder fumed.
"Ghouls? I have no idea what those are, I just go kill zombies for the hell of it."
"You don't have ghouls where you come from?" Elder asked.
"Nah, just those zombies that were created when some gas from a STAG radar plane I took down spilled into the open, I kept some and Oleg analyzed it and turned it into a grenade." Boss said, holding the grenade in question up for all to see.
"That's one way to clear an enemy base, throw one of those in and watch them tear each other to pieces." Frank surmised.
"Yeah, but I usually use it to mess with the SNG."
"Okay, clearly a psychopath, but we can make use of that." Elder said.
"Well, I'd better get going." Boss said, exiting the train car and back tracking through the metro station to the surface.
After walking in a random direction for three hours, Boss was getting confused. Usually she only had to walk for several minutes in any direction before she came across something interesting to kill, but here? There was absolutely nothing for miles around. It was kinda boring actually. Write your name in explosive mollusks boring. Ten minutes of work later, and boss had written out her full real name in mollusks. Without further pause, she detonated each and everyone in a concussive wave of awesomeness that was seen for miles around. Now all she had to do was wait and kill whatever came to investigate.
Boss awoke to the sounds of anguish and moans of pain. She hoped to god she didn't end up in the pony barn. After observing the rape dungeon she was being kept in, Boss tried to break out of the cage she was being held in, with little success. After strategically firing her Mollusk Launcher at every surface she could find, she heard a door open and a group of people enter the room.
"Where'd all these things come from!" One of the people demanded.
"I-I don't know sir, we made sure to chuck the creature in here unarmed. I'm not sure how it did this, but I'll make it." The person threatened.
"Hey boys! Likes my exploding mollusks?" Boss called out, taking a good look at three... ponies? In front of her.
"It can speak? All the more fun we'll have when we rape it to death." One of the ponies cheered, the one in slightly more bloody armor than the other two.
"Clearly you didn't hear the exploding part." Boss reiterated for them.
"If you detonated them, you'd die as well." The obvious leader cockily stated.
"Not really." Boss said, detonating all the mollusks in the room, which then caused a sizable area to be disintegrated. Taking a look around t he massive crater she created, Boss was completely confused. Usually when she exploded things nothing happened to the environment, but here? She could apparently make the landscape her bitch.
"QUICK! KILL IT!" A voice called out from the lip of the crater, as a hail storm of bullets started impacting the area around her, none of them even coming within' a foot of hitting her.
"If you're done shooting at me with your appalling aim, I'd you to allow me to get out of this hole so I can beat you too death with your own spines." Boss told them as she scaled the slope of the crater. Once she reached the top the raiders opened fire on her, this time hitting her at least ten percent of the time. After patiently waiting for them to run out of ammo, Boss yawned. "Okay, my turn." She grinned devilishly, pulling out her .45 Shepards and gunning down each and every raider she saw.
"Surely it's got to run out of ammo soon." Knight Evening Shine said, watching as Boss gunned down a raider encampment populated by eighty or so of the blights, seeming without a pause to reload.
"Uh, I don't think it will." Initiate Redskies pointed out, watching as Boss drew out a large floppy purple dildo and began whacking all the nearby raiders with it, causing them to fly into building or have their spines shattered by the impact.
"That thing may be more deadly than anything short of the Goddess." Evening Shine commented.
"SHIT! It's got a sniper!" Redskies called out, taking cover along with the other six members of her squad.
"Where did it get it from?" Evening shouted as s bullet impacted with the other side of her cover, leaving a gaping hole next to her head. "Retreat! That things sniper could probably pierce Power Armor!" Evening called out, only running away when the rest of her squad was clear. The Elders would want to hear about this threat.
Boss was having a blast, she'd just killed off around eighty raider ponies and had scared off some form of heavily armed squad of ponies watching her from the hill. All-in-all, this was a great day to be a Saint. Or at least it was until three ponies with both a horn and wings showed up.
"THE GODDESS DEMANDS YOUR PRESENCE, CREATURE!" They called at the same time.
"I'm good." Boss told them, shooting them repeatedly with her .45 Shepards, the rounds of which merely bounced off of an invisible shield surrounding the alicorns.
"YOUR PUN WEAPONS CAN"T HARM US, CREATURE!" They bellowed again. Getting a little pissed, Boss equipped her D4th Blossoms and opened fire on the purple alicorn, the rounds easily passing through her shield as it was counted as armor.
"HOW DARE YOU!!!" The other two alicorns screeched. Shrugging, Boss shot them as well. After three minutes of continuously shooting them, Boss lathered the three bodies in Mollusks and exploded them, just to be safe and because she hadn't gibbed anything in awhile. Turning around she came groin-to-face with a captured pony. After stepping back and crouching down Boss greeted it. "Sup?"
"Th-thank you for saving me." She said, leaning forward and giving Boss a kiss on the cheek before running off to join a group of ponies who's scavenged the fallen raiders weapons. Leaving Boss stumped as to what just happened. Seeing their chance, the Steel Rangers closed in for the kill, fully expecting the creature to go down in the hail of missiles and bullets they shot at it. Once the smoke cleared, the Steel Rangers gasped at the perfectly unharmed form of Boss standing in front of them with a strange gun pointed at them shaking her head, then everything became a right light before going black for ever.