Her Story (Part II)
Jaq and Distorted make their way down the long flight of steps into her laboratory. The walls around them are made of roughly cut stone. Due to the chill, Distorted Truth could tel that they were far underground. He follows his employer down the stairs, and, though she is still wearing her trademark lab coat, he is enjoying the view immensely. When they reach the bottom of the steps, the first thing he notices is the loud noise that was completely absent a moment before, as if them landing at the bottom of the steps had triggered some form of spell. Distorted follows Jaq to another unicorn in a lab coat. He has a ruddy coat with a green, spiked mane and tail. Over his eyes he is wearing a pair of tinted green goggles. On his left hoof he is wearing an old watch, probably an heirloom. The scientist turns as he hears Jaq and Distorted approaching.
“Dr. Circuit,” Jaq says flatly. “Have you found it yet?”
The stallion swallows loudly before answering. The room had gone deathly quiet at Jaq's words, as if everypony in the room was afraid of what she might do if given the wrong answer. Dr. Circuit to out a hoofkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. “N-not yet, M-master. Howe-”
“Not yet,” Jaq says with barely controlled rage. “You've had your entire team working on this project nonstop for the last week. Why the buck have you not found it. I WANT THAT GATE FOUND!” She calms down as she feels Distorted's hoof on her shoulder. She turns to the black earth pony and smiles. She looks back at the doctor. “I am sorry for shouting, Simple Circuit. Please go about your business as usual. I know you are trying your hardest.”
“Y-yes, Master. We actually have identified a fifty mile radius that the gate should be in.”
Jaq's ears perk up in interest. She raises an eyebrow. “Oh? Do tell.”
Circuit shifted his weight from hoof to hoof nervously. “Well we have found that the signal coming of this thing you call a Rift Gate is strongest in a circle that is fifty miles from Canterlot in any direction. We believe that the gate will be found somewhere in this area.”
Jaq raises a hoof to her chin. “Hmm.” She looks back up to the scientist. “Do you think you can have it found by the Gala?”
“I do not see why not, Master.”
“Very well. Let it be so or it will be on your head.” She turns around and starts walking back to the stairs. “Come on, Distorted. There is somepony else I want you to meet.”
Distorted looks back to the scientist and tries to give an apologetic look, but then realizes his face is covered. In the end, he just turns around and follows Jaq. “What was that all about?” He asks.
Jaq opens the door at the top of the staircase, and the two emerge into her apartment in Fillydelphia. She turns and bolts the metal door so none of the scientists can bother her. “As I have told you, I am not from this world. I was brought here by a thing called a Rift Gate. I know there is one on this world. However, so does my enemy. He plans on using it to get back to his world. I plan on preventing that.”
“Why?”
“Because I just love this world. Also for my plans for him in the next story.”
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. Don't worry about it, darling.” Jaq uses her magic to take off both her goggles and her lab coat and rested them on the coat rack.
Distorted is currently distracted by the view he is getting, forgetting his next question. As Jaq turns back around, Distorted quickly moves his eyes to her face. “So, uh, what are you going to do?”
Jaq puts a hoof to his lips. “Silly, that would be telling. Now come sit on the couch with me. Sing me a song with that beautiful voice of yours.”
“Yes, ma'am.” He sits back on the couch and slowly begins to sing a slow, sad song.
Little by little I've come to this point
On my own I've been searching my way
I lost so early
The days went so fast
You don't know how I prayed every day
A song to remember
A song to forget
You'll never know how I tried
To make you proud and to honor your name
But you never told me good bye
Now that you are done cast shadows from the past
You and all the memories will last.
As Distorted continued singing, Jaq leaned closer to him. As the last note faded, Jaq turned to Distorted and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “That was beautiful. Was that Kanterlot again?”
Distorted nods once.
“I really need to check them out. But now, we must pay our dear hero a visit.” She grabs her coat and googles and puts them on. “Come, put your hoof on me. It is high time you meat the one we are fighting.”
Distorted reaches a hoof out, wondering what this Jak character is like. As soon as he makes contact with Jaq's coat he is swallowed into darkness as the two teleport.
Stats
Page generated in 0.017 seconds
Total duration
1,026 users online
1,929,838 hits today, 2,167,270 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I see a Jak and Daxter crossover
I see i'ts tagged Romance
I'll guess i'll read it first before judging it.
2174218 slight romance. heavier in the current chapters but More on the action side for most of it
2174243
sweat its out and its great and plaese keep this at a teen rating I have know problems with clop but when intergrated with a story like this it should be posted as a seperate story and keep the main one readale to all ages
Is this what I think it is? Is this a hint that there is going to be another story?
Anyway. Enjoyed this chapter immensly. It had as you said good plot developement. Keep it up.
Signed,
Ambro
MOAR!
2174479 don't worry. this will forever be teen
2174635 i actually plan on making this a trilogy, just like the original JaD games. no spin offs
2175095 Sweetness!!!
2175111 yep yep
The mad doctor aproves of his status
2183794 sorry if that insulted you. some people didnt notice
Super-critical reader here, ready to upset you with my negative comments.
Before you go all "best I could do, stfu you know nothing, I'd like you to see you try do better, Why you hatin?" I'll tell you why. The Lost Frontier soiled the name of Jak and Daxter and I can't stand to see it tarnished anymore. But on a more positive note, I'm a fellow author who wants to help others improve their work in any way possible. You can't become better if nobody tells you what you're doing wrong so you can do it the right way. Criticism is required is everything, be it good or bad. I'm not trying to insult you, just point out the flaws. Now, lets begin shall we?
I like the story, it has a decent plot. But it is just to damn sudden! Jak, who has been introduced to multiple societies who have almost immediately attempted to maim and/or imprision him, just accepts it like that. He's not a least bit wary of anyone, disipite being back stabbed and betrayed on numerous occasions. Not to mention that key scenes, (IE: Traveling through the Rift, confront foes) lack details of any sort. Like many wise entities have said before- Quality before quantity. Every chapter see a rushed, lacking details or scenes that could make the story infinitely better. Character development is aweful, the new villians (I can barely call them that) seem like they serve no real obstical, the fight scenes are horrifically written, and don't even get me started on the transformations. Thy could be SO MUCH BETTER had you taken. Few moments to actually discribe what he looked like in either form. As for the sudden introduction of Eco, its just out of place. Maybe care to explain its appearence through magic being awakened in Jak, or perhaps that he has become a conduit due to his new form? The Darkk Twilight scene was aweful, seeing that you just said that blood got on her and she somehow absorbed the Dark Eco within it. It would've made more sense had it been injected via broken glass or wound. Everything is to sudden, making it appear to be a train wreck of shit that is happening at warp speed. The romance, however, is decent enough and is acceptable to a certain point.
So to recap: Awful execution of story, everything is rushed and unorginaized, almost no real character devolpment of any kind, terrible villains, lame OC insert, decent plot, an acceptable romance, and no real explanation about Eco/no details on Jak's transformation.
2247498 While most writers would usually see a comment like that and insta-delete, Imma respond. Though it does hurt a little to get a harsh review, it builds one up as a writer.I would also like to agree with most of what you said. The story is rushed. As of now the villains are in the background, and my shameless self insert was in bad taste. However, I would like to contradict something. Twilight did not absorb the eco through her skin. The glass broke and cut her and the blood got in that way. There has been no eco up to this point except light and dark, and i have made those basically one with Jak. the others will be explained in a future chapter. As I said thank you for the comment and I will strive to be better because of it.
Love,
Distorted
2247498 Perhaps a little harsh but it does actually get the point across. I agree sir, and sorry Distorted, but this really needs to be longer in a lot of aspects. Detailing is key events to make them be a lot more. Not going to lie it's very hard to trudge through this story trying to keep u with everything. No complaints about characters, no real complaints about the plot even, just needs a little work is all. /)
2248438 exactly. i do agree
I'm back again, but this time just positive stuff.
May I recommend rebooting (or rewriting) this once its finished?
You could post a link leading to the original chapters once you redo each one. They could be, like I said before, infinity better if you had taken your time. Besides, it be neat to see what interesting plot development would take place once you got it together.
Also, thanks for taking the critic like an Alicorn. Have a mustache.
2249041 that actually has been on the agenda for some time