“Well, you'll be sleeping in my guest room, of course!” Twilight exclaimes.
Jak and Daxter had walked back to the library in comfortable silence. As Jak opened the door he had found the ponies holding marshmallows on sticks with Spike blowing fire at them. Jak had asked to speak to Twilight alone to ask where he would be sleeping. Thus, Twilight's previous words.
“You sure it won't be too much trouble?” Jak asks hesitantly.
“No. not at all. Spike and I would be more than happy to have a house guest.” Twilight turns around and heads back to the main room. “Come on. Let's rejoin the others.”
Jak awakens to the sound of screaming. He jumps out of bed, landing on Daxter's tail.
“Ow! Watch where you're stepping, Jak.” His ears perk up. “What's that sound?”
“Screaming. Come on, Dax. Let's go check it out.” Jak waits as Daxter climbs onto his back and gallops out of his bedroom. As he barrels down the stairs, he sees Twilight frantically flipping through the pages of a book. “Twilight, what's happening?”
Twilight looks up, fear in her eyes. “A dragon is attacking Ponyville. Half the town is already up in flames.”
Jak looks at her. “Don't worry. I'll help.”
“DON'T WORRY! HOW CAN YOU TELL ME NOT TO WORRY WHEN A CELESTIA DAMNED DRAGON IS ATTACKING THE TOWN?”
Jak takes her hoof in his and stares into her eyes. “Just trust me.” He gives her a cocky grin and rushes out the door...
And is greeted by a battle zone. The peaceful, rural town that he strolled through last night is gone. In its place are burning bodies strewn throughout the street. Fire is tearing through the straw roofed houses like kindling. Jak looks up and sees a giant red dragon soaring through the sky,flames streaming from its gaping mouth.
Jak instinctively reaches for his back, searching for his morph gun. “Damn, first my pants, now my gun. Oh, well. Dax, hold on.” Jak clenches his body. Suddenly, his blue coat turns a luminescent white, his eyes glowing with a blue-white aura. Out of his back sprout two angelic wings. Time slows around him as he flaps his wings and takes off toward the dragon.
He lands on the back of the dragon and retracts his wings, time returning to normal speed. Jak has to quickly grab one of the dragon's spikes to prevent himself from falling.
“What are we gonna do now, Jak?” Daxter asks in pure terror.
“We're gonna kill this thing,” he replies with a feral grin as his goat changes again, this time to gray with a purple tint. His mane turns completely white. His eyes go black as the midnight sea.
Jak struggles with the dragon in mid-air, trying to wear it out. As he punches it, he realizes that conventional means will not bring the dragon down. He clambers up to the base of the it's neck and steadies himself. After being sure of his footing, he jumps straight up, punching the dragon's back on his way down, creating a huge purple shock wave radiating from the point of contact.
The dragon roars in agony, its wings going limp. It starts plummeting to the ground, Jak, now reverted to his normal form, and Daxter still on its back.
“Jak, do something!”
“I'm thinking!”
The dragon's unconscious descent steepens into a headlong rush toward the ground, a spot of land dotted with apple trees.
“Dax,” Jak yells over the wind rushing past his face, “we're gonna have to bail!”
“Why can't you fly again?”
“I don't have enough light eco!”
“We're gonna die aren't we!”
Jak smiles back to Daxter. “Not today.”
Twenty feet from the ground, Jak jumps off the dragon. He rolls as he hits the ground, transferring his momentum forward. However, being surrounded by apple trees, his momentum carries him headlong into one. He crumples in a heap.
Daxter crawls out from under his friend. “Jak, we're alive!” When he gets no response, he turns to see the limp body of his companion. “JAK!” he notices the ragged breathing. “Stay here. I'll go get help.
“Daxter? Jak? Is that y'all?”
Daxter looks around and sees a familiar orange mare galloping toward him. He runs and meets her halfway. “Applesauce-”
“Applejack,” she corrects, not unkindly.
“Right. Applejack, Jak is hurt. I think he hit his head on one of the trees.” As he speaks, he hurries past the now dead dragon to the tree where Jak lies unconcious.
Applejack takes one look at Jak and lets out a gasp. “Ah'll go get Twilight. Y'all stay here.” With that, she gallops away toward the library.
Daxter looks back to his best friend. “Don't worry, Jak. You'll make it through this you always do.” Daxter looks up to the sky in time to see two large figures use magic to bring clouds above Ponyville, drenching the ground and extinguishing the fires.
Brilliant.
1888238 thanks
awesome chapter even if it was short
He could of jumped off at and used a spin attack at the last second.
That's a joke.
Again... this is so good I can't put it to words
DJ-Pon-3 approved
MOAR!
1888278 eh i like this plotline more
1888293 thank you
1888296 tomorrow
1888270 sorry about that
don't worry about it it was still awesome
1888438 thank you
Before i am going to give any criticism i would like to know if you would like to have a complete review of the story so far and the constructive criticism that goes with it.
Happy new year and happy writing.
Go for it>>1889492
1889532
Alright lets begin. (note: you don't have to take this all to serious, for i am just one person)
The story is moving fast, beginning with chapter one after Jak gets hurled in the throne room he is being moved towards Ponyville with minimal explanation and a bit having question and awnser with Princess Celestia, of course this could happen in Ponyville where Jak gets his fill of standard Equestrian knowledge, the princess also has the tendicy to drop problems or new things off at the elements of harmony for them to deal with it.
This is all good and fits with the characters being used, yet it feels a bit rushed and a bit shallow, for this i would like to ask if you have a stack of premade chapters or do you write this all on the spot and within the day.
So far this story is alright, but i have the feeling that there will be a lot of action being flung around to keep it intresting and the chapters flowing.
This is not a bad thing but i would advice to keep it in tone and to put more time and thought into the future chapters, i am sure that most of the people here would choose quality over quantity.
As for chapter 3 (i'm not going to mull over chapter 2 since it would be mostly repeating what i would say about chapter 1) Jak is very fast in telling that he's from a diffirent world, this would not be the smartest course of action since it would create a lot of confussion and questions that would be a lot of dull explanation, yet the ponies brush it off with an odd look and no second thought, i have the idea that it will return after what i've seen in chapter 4 so lets begin with chapter 4.
While reading chapter 4 i have to say that you got Jak and Daxter pretty realistic through their dialoge and actions, good job on that.
But there is something that bothers me, first day in Ponyville and a dragon attack? Alright this can be done and its no biggie but try to pace this sort of massive and dramatic action flinging, their's nothing wrong with it if its done from time to time, renember these are big events that can turn the story in a complete diffirent way, then again this could also be seen as everyday fighting but i am not sure if this story is going that way since its to soon for me to be sure.
Anyway the thing that i mostly want to say is that you should put a bit more time and thought into the chapters and try to keep the characters realistic and don't let them fall in plotholes, if you include them in the story, they should have a role.
And that would be it.
Good luck with the next chapter, the story is alright but i am sure you can make better.
Happy writing.
I think there are a few parts on this blog you would find very intresting.
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/91166/doctor-who-and-some-writing-tips
1889888 thank you. As for the dragon attack on the first day, that will be explained at length later on. And yes those questions will come up now
Jak is a pony and he can still kick more ass than KickAss. Go Jak.....and daxter.......GO JAK!!!!
1894290 lol that he can
His Goat... lol... coat
Nice chapter.
Now to keep reading...
the fuck? lol
Have a music
Hey, he CAN still roll.
Good chapter 😊