After weeks of studying, preparation, and experimentation, Twilight Sparkle fails to complete a spell. Ashamed of what she's done she runs away and is forced to come to terms with herself, and learns a secret that can help her cope with her problems.
Thank you to Sablestripe for saving me the embarrassment of trying to draw my own cover!
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Alright i have read both chapters. The second chapter the paragraphs are a bit too long and should be split up especially the first paragraph.
As for the story its self. So far i am liking the concept and execution.
A nice conte you have there.
I like and enjoyed it.
Though, there had been some things that could have been better...
Let me start with the things I liked:
First and most of all there is your unique way to describe!
I really enjoyed every sentence. Your treasury of words is just amazing!
The feelings and surroundings you described with them just felt so...real, to say so.
Second I liked your characterization of Twilight´s dissappointment of herself and Luna´s part as comforter.
The plot itself may was a little bit short, but your portrayal of the scenes and the character´s feelings completely made this up to me.
All in one, this is just how a short story has to be for me!
You have great writing skills and I am truly astonished that this is your first story and you even had barriers of sharing it with the world!
I am sure, many peoples out there, including myself, would be envious about your descriptive skills!
Still, I have to point out some things that could have been better.
Most of them were small issues, first of them all the famous 'wall of text'.
Try to structure the long paragraphs a little bit more. In a book, it´s acceptable, but here it is very hard to read such endless paragraphs.
Also I think the whole story could have been one single chapter. Maybe it´s just me, but I see no need to split the story into three chapters. At least the Epilogue could have easily been part of chapter 2. It was just an unnecessary complicated splitting of the story in my eyes.
The last thing I noticed were only a few typos...
...and one thing you might want to change:
In the fourth paragraph of the first chapter:
You might want to change that 'hand' into a 'hoof'...
Otherwise...Lyra would approve it...
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Thank you so much for the constructive criticism! As you can see, my proofreader did warn me about the long paragraphs! I honestly don't know why I didn't just make it all one long chapter. Chapter two was getting a little long, but the idea for the setting wouldn't leave me alone. If only it had suggested enough for a real chapter! Thanks for the hand/hoof, have to fix that! Typos? Eeep! Thought I squished them all...
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In the end, it is your decision how to structure your story.
It´s just my point of view that the story would be more effective lined up as one single chapter.
Anyhow, the setting idea was good, I liked the dream scene and the magical hideaway.
It just fit in very well.
As for the typos...yeah, they are very tricky sometimes.
You try to avoid them, but a few of them always slip through, unfortunately.
It is mostly rather easy to see them in another story than in your own ones.
I loved every sentence, this is how all "Slice of Life" stories should be
I loved it!! I can strongly relate to cases like this!!
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I enjoyed helping you by proof reading such a nice story.
Keep writing and I await your next story.
I agree that these chapters read like one.
I enjoyed it, but I really do wonder how Twilight's contrition turned out. It would have been nice to see something about that.
This story feels a bit raw, which is both a hindrance and a boon at times. A hindrance because it makes the narration, which has a tendency toward telling, to ramble (thus, eliminating the advantage of speed that telling provides). In spots where you do want to slow down, I would suggest more showing (hinting via implication), as telling often has weaker emotional impact. As for the boon, the rambling gives a certain authenticity to a mind in turmoil, so whenever the story steps deeper into Twilight's thoughts, the emotional impact is improved.
I love this story always love TwiLuna
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Well thank you. I like Luna in general, but it makes sense that the Princess of the Night would also like Twilight Sparkle. She's between day and night, after all.