The Doctor has some unfinished business on a distant planet from Earth. But what happens if the TARDIS malfunctions and brings him to a dark alley? What will he find there?
Since the story does not stay consistent to ponies, I will skip a few chapters to the part where the ponies are in! :)
I will provide a link to the whole story when possible
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Oooo mystery my favorite time to read and then like
Good description and word usage I suppose, but this needs to be proofread. Some hidden mistakes that catch the eye of the viewer can easily make it a lower level than what you're hitting at.
Also, the storyline -- it seems as if there are some, or one, Mary Sue/s in this. Especially since the ever-so popular Doctor Whooves has the assistant of Derpy, nonetheless you replace that loveable character with your own OC, hoping most likely to make it the same popularity level.
Thirdly, in some places confusion takes place. You seem to rush the fic a little too much. Also, things are a bit off. For one, 'the horror' is not a correct usage in the part. It seems as if it was rehearsed, since nopony actually says 'the horror' any more. Something an actual pony would say in a place like that would hold actual, not false, emotion. At the ending, too -- it needs a more sophisticated ending which makes the reader want to read more. This is not so now, because of the three exclamation marks, which are not proper.
Fourth, you need to actually -- I think I have said this before -- give more and actual emotion. Make this not rehearsed. For example...
Repetition, eh? Try using more variety of words and such. Light brown? Try a more specific color name, or get some more words to side with it to make it seem...colorful. You also need to press enter and not put a sentence every time before somepony says something. Here is an example of what I fixed of it:
The Doctor could feel the tears running down his faded, grayish amber muzzle, but the moisture of it felt oddly dry. He was taken aback at Kami's words, while a wave of emotions drowned him into his thoughts.
"You don't...you don't really think that...." he sputtered, refusing any urge to give into his faithful assistant.
Prologues for me tend to be a little faded, kind of unspecific, but fantasy-like dream/memory. Try to take that from here and make the real chapters more clearer. If you'd like, I am open for proofreading. If not, try on your own to fix your writing~ You're doing well, you just need a few touch-ups to the chapters.
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1.Terribly sorry but I am not good I making stories flow correctly. It's something I can't do and I have no one to help me learn. Everyone that I ask to proofread it says its perfect so I just leave it as is.
2. Not actually trying to make my Oc the popular assistant. Throughout the story, he often has other people/ponies joining him in the TARDIS. Including Derpy :D
3. I updated the second chapter a while ago but forgot to edit it. I am not on the correct computer at the moment so I cannot do that.
4. I would love it if you would proof read it. You seem to have a trained eye for this kind of stuff.
Hehehehe I don't :(
Anyways....
Have a Doctor- filled day.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Exactly