Prelude
Prelude
Poised on the Canterlonian mountain were 3 alicorns. One was the Goddess of the Sun, the radiant and loving ruler Celestia. One was the mysterious Mistress of Darkness. The ruler of the night, Princess Luna. The third and last was a green stallion covered in sapphire blue, swirling tattoos, with a gray and dark purple mane and tale.
Underneath them stood a massive assembly of ponies; Ponies of all races. Earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns, lunar ponies and even crystal ponies had gathered. 30’000 strong was this gathering, but it had been made for a reason. This was an army, an army with one purpose. To drive back the forces of “The Pure”. With shimmering armors, spears, swords, crossbows and axes they looked to what lay ahead.
In front of the mountain and army stood “The Pure”; a unicorn army bent on ruling over all races of ponies. But they were not alone, for their allies had gathered as well. Diamond dogs, wielding massive clubs and spears, had raised from the very earth to fight. The minotaurs from the north-eastern mountains had traveled far to see the blood of the princesses, who had stopped many invasions over the last three millennia. Filling the entire valley, these three factions had grown into one and were ready to tear Equestria apart and throw the world into darkness.
Utilizing the royal Canterlot voice, the green alicorn shouted out his speech, for all to hear, for all who would soon bear witness to the largest battle in millenia.
“I say to all of you, what will come to pass this day. You will see death. You will see suffering. YOU WILL SEE TERROR. You will witness the very darkness that ruled Equestria before Celestia and Luna. But do not fear. For what will come with this is hope. Hope for peace. Let us all drive back the enemy so that we may live in equality. Let the enemy be purged from the planes of freedom. FOR GLORY! FOR HONOUR! FOR EQUESTRIA! ATTACK!!!”
This was the beginning of the most important conflict in millennia, though the origins of this conflict are ancient.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
About five thousand years ago there were three pony nations: Pegasus Prima, The land of cloud fortresses; Opalitian, The land of mines; And The DRUE, The Democratic Republic of United Earth ponies.
These three nations lived in a symbiose. The earth ponies made food, the pegasi controlled the weather and the unicorns raised the sun and moon. This was their cycle. They lived in relative peace and calm, but some ponies began to question which was the superior race. Unicorns had their magic and vast mines filled with gems and metals, they were artisans as well. The pegasi were elite fighters, with superior speed and agility. Earth ponies were born farmers, smiths, crafts in general and all in all the sturdiest and strongest physically. Ponies began discriminating each others. This brought forth the spirits of cold hearts, the Wendigos. These spirits of wind and ice froze the entire land, making it a uninhabitable waste. All ponies suffered and all ponies put the blame on others. This culminated in a meeting of Commander Hurricane, leader of the pegasi. Princess Platinum, daughter of the diamond king and Chancellor Puddinghead, newly chosen prime minister of the earth pony congress. They all had their respective personal thralls along with them. Everypony knows the story concerning them, but very few if any knows of what had happened right after the meetings, but before the immigration.
The unicorn princess’ thrall was Clover the clever, who also was the apprentice of Starswirl the bearded. He was Platinum’s advisor during the politic meetings and eventually developed a short lived romance with Commander Hurricane which ended the second that the two weeks of meetings were over.
After a couple of months the immigrations were done and the discrimination was largely over.
Some time later a pegasus came to Star Swirl’s hut with a foal and a note. It was his and Commander Hurricanes foal, but not a normal one. He was green, had a grey/ purple mane and tail and he was graced with a horn and wings. Star Swirl knew that this foal was special, but also in danger. Star Swirl was the diamond king’s brother and such only allowed to marry and copulate with unicorns. He had to keep this foal secret. In the end he gave the foal to his apprentice Clover so that she could take care of him and educate him. She took the foal with her to the great forest in the middle of the pony realm. In there he would be safe and she could improve her magical prowess and get her own student. She named the foal Emerald Storm as a unification of the two royal houses that the foal unknowingly was a member of.
Here she began to educate the young foal in magic and scholarship as well as teaching him about the wonders of friendship, which had saved the entire race not even a year ago.
Outside the forest, the lords were having a better time than before, except the pegasi. They wanted to get more revenue as well as knocking ‘the arrogant unicorns’ down a nodge by getting hold of their metals. The pegasi were dependant on metal mined by unicorns and earth pony smiths to forge it. They wanted to get around this fact by getting dominion over earth ponies and capturing unicorn mines. Their lack of metal and money stopped them though. That was until they found a mountain in the north which peak often overflowed with molten metals that were absorbed by the surrounding clouds. The clouds somehow took the metal’s properties without getting heavier. They called it iron cloud and this light, yet strong metal was mined, forging became a viable trade in pegasi cities and soon, they attacked the earth ponies who lived in valleys and by the sea with ruthless efficiency.
They came in great swarms of hundreds from the skies, wearing and wielding their new metal. They enslaved every town and farm they came across and stood unopposed until they reached the Canterlot valley where the local earth ponies were an important food source for the unicorn capital of Canterlot. The unicorn army destroyed a bigger pegasus raid party in ‘the battle of the valley’ and so the civil war began. A war that determined which faction would take claim of the earth pony labour force.
Week after week, month after month... Year after year the war raged on without anypony to put an end it.
The pegasi, safe in their clouds could attack without fear of losing homes and loved ones and did so with vicious abandon towards both unicorn and earth pony.
The unicorns however needed to use some strategy to ensure victory. They moved from the mountains down the coast and valleys to take control of the earth pony cities. Their idea being that if they could hold and take all the earth pony settlements the pegasi would be forced back to their save clouds and then could be forced into submission through starvation.
The wars were bloody, especially after the earth ponies amassed their forces, armed with bows and armored in simple cloth, the brave stallions held towns and villages so that the mares and foals could escape onslaught. Most who fled would go to either the occupied towns close to unicorn's original territory or to the bigger, safer cities, but some by the shores chose to leave it all behind and escape with boat to the icy regions in the north.
The next 16 years left many thousands of dead in their wake and the land divided. Unicornia ruling west to the sea, controlling mountains, valleys and coasts. Pegasopholis holding dominion of the great planes spreading to the eastern mountains of minotaurs and griffins. Earth holding but three cities and the surrounding land. Baltimare, Coltenhagen and Trotterdam. These three cities was all that separated pegasi and unicorns... But this border was not built to last.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In a small hut in the canterlonian valley a purple unicorn with black and grey mane, tail and beard, sat in a chair, reading peacefully. Finally a chance to get back to studies he thought. His train of thought was broken however, when he heard heavy knocking on his door.
" ... Two weeks was all the vacation I asked for..." The purple unicorn said followed by a weary sigh. He stood up and walked to the door, opening it slowly, trying to get a few seconds of calm before being dragged into duties again.
As he opened he looked at a young unicorn stallion. The stallion was covered from head to tail in a royal blue enamelled plate armor made of real steel. The clear sign of a truly rich pony, since only the richest of rich could afford steel, let alone enamelled pieces. The only things beside the armor that were visible were a longsword with a gold handle and his clear red eyes.
As he saw the purple unicorn he immediately saluted.
" Starswirl, Lord of Diamond grove manor and Field marshal of Legio Uno. You have been summoned to heed the word of King Aurum in his own hall." The young stallion said with a proud and powerful voice.
Starswirl smirked slightly. " And what is so important, that my brother would send one of his priced gemstone guard? And do give me a good reason Sir Bright I am officially on vacation."
Sir Bright looked at him with a wide grin. " We will soon be one trot closer to victory. We are going to conquer Coltenhagen..."
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Awesome!
>in a cannon instead of existing in current canon
>pony creator cover art
>bad grammar in the TITLE
Insta-downvote, not going to bother.
3787435
Well... Thanks for giving a reason anyway
Pffffft! Hahaha! Oh god, wow!
...
This got past the mods?
3787442
Well yes it did. What is the problem?
Is the story not written good enough?
Is there bad grammar? Or is it the cover art, please tell me what is wrong?
3787474 Well to tell you the truth, it's everything that Starlight Shadow had said prior. It's an Alicorn OC, it's got capitalization errors in the title, and these kinds of stories are not really...welcomed in this site.
You must be new here
3787486
I just tried to make an action adventure story. Why is that frowned upon?
And if the art and title is such a big problem, then I can just fix that.
I mean, no pony knows what's even gonna happen and they're killing it already?
If I throw boobs into it, do you think people would read it then?
3787486 if you dont put a pic of a alicorn OC then you can at least get away with it ...
3787503
Like I said, people will instantly downvote these kinds of stories. It's not just the art and the title, it's the main character. He's an alicorn. That doesn't fly well with fanfiction writers in the Brony community because alicorns are generally OP and people post stories about their own OC alicorns being OP and they do it in such a way that it makes everybody else angry at their incompetence in the writing field.
At least you have some kind of competence.
3787509 I'll have to agree with that.
3787503 look sir... you have to be very careful about putting a story with such a character such as a alicorn...
this site is very critical about it
3787520
3787523
Indeed, This site is very critical about Alicorn OC's because as said they are very OP, unless written correctly the story can fall to pieces, thus unintentionally giving the author more stress. Written correctly though... It can make an amazing story, like many others on the site.
3787528
But they haven't even really seen him. He's gotten glanced over so far. I try to do my best in this make a story that others can enjoy. I wouldn't be a dick and make an OP bastard that just fucks around in the story. Besides, the TV series has showed them to be strong, but nothing near invincible.
3787554 And you know what, that I can see happening. The author here actually has the ability to write.
3787569
Yes, indeed, I'm glad we agree their,
Now it's just up to the author to make up for the Alicorn by mind boggling us.
3787568 oh you think I dont know what it is to have a alicorn OC then read my story...
there is a difference with what you are suppose to do in such a situation...
I am not here to hurt feelings... but they're ways of doing such stories and get away with it.
well mostly...
All I can say is that people in this site are disgusted of Alicorn Ocs because there are done usually bad...
But if you do your reserch you can also find ways of doing such stories and not have a problem...
Just be aware of people who don't like cliche stuff and want good original stories....
3787440
Some grammatical errors here and there, but I think you have something good here regardless after some time and careful editing. I look forward to see more.
I must argue the mention of this being in canon though. Stories of other alicorns doing things alongside the likes of Luna and Celestia and then being either forgotten or never mentioned in the show can still be allowed the 'what if' clearance as long as the story is engaging. The catch is convincing the readers of that perspective. If nothing else, the AU tag could be considered. Just a thought.
3787435
So you didn't even READ any the story before giving the downvote? You know, the most important and relevant reason to give a vote here in the first place?
3787569
This story just got started. There is hardly enough about it to legitimately criticize the contents. What should be frowned upon is not giving stories a chance to develop... Though I recognize your point nonetheless.
3787496
And you must not have been here long enough. This writer might appreciate help, and that's all you have to say?
3787612
Even a clichéd story can be good if it follows the right steps. Plus, originality is really hard to come by depending on where you look.
3787496
I've been on here since the summer 2012...
3787894
Then you haven't learned anything.
3787789 i do agree with that...
3787942
Age before beauty bub
3787942
I am against convention. Just because boobs gives views, doesn't mean everyone should write about that. And the thing I haven't learned... is it about the alicorn?
Because if it is, then tell me about his character and what's wrong with him. I'd love to know.
Besides I already have another pretty successful story going, but I thought I would do more than only one thing.
Either you're referring to her casually: "goddess of the sun", or it's a title: "Goddess of the Sun". Either capitalize both words or neither.
Needs a comma after darkness, and there is absolutely no reason to capitalize "the" in the middle of the sentence.
There's a difference between "tale" and "tail"; learn it. And don't even get me started on the color scheme that resembles absolutely no character in the show.
Again, an unnecessary capitalization.
This should be one sentence instead of two, with the clauses separated by a colon.
You need a comma in front of this.
"Millennia" is plural, "millenium" is singular.
You forgot to put a period at the end of this sentence.
How about some consistency? Either go with "five thousand" or "5000", but mixing like this just makes you look sloppy.
It's far, far more common to use the phrase "in symbiosis".
It's not the worst I've seen, not by a long shot. But there are enough issues to keep me from wanting to read more...
3788403
Hey thanks a lot for the help
I'm Danish so I don't really know all the rules. Sad you won't be a fan, but I'm certainly glad that you have a fair reason for not sticking to it.
Sorry Dean, no real fave so far from me. I want to see if the story improves.
I don't know what kind of writing style you want to go for, but the Prepude is very "distant" from the reader. That might change with the second chapter, as the first one was to introduce the races and give some backstory, I guess.
Another thing is ask a proofreader to look over your story. There are still quite a few errors in there.
As for the Alicorn? I guess you mean Aurum, right? I don't really see so far what the problem with him is.
What you could do it change the describtion of the story, because right now it focuses on the alicorn and it being "canon".... Which always brings up problems (in other words people). For the canon thing, just give it a Alternate Universe tag.
3787496 for a person without stories, I'd be quiet.
3821804
Thanks so much for the feedback man
The best way I can explain the first chapter, would be the first scenes in The fellowship of the ring.
This is so people know the back story and you see the beginning of the end... at the beginning. I think I might have tried to be too cinematic, for my current writing abilities.