Blood, hatred, fear and hope. Before Equestria this was all there was in the world. A bloody war between the three pony races is destroying the beautiful realm from the inside, with nopony to stop it... unless a new race interferes.
This a head cannon story, describing the events during heart's warming eve and after. A very detailed view into this ancient world and it's culture and warfare is of course a big part. There will be blood, but I don't know if I consider it real gore, if you know what I mean?
I have tried to make it as 'realistic' and logical as I could, given what we've seen in the show. A lot of what I'm using in this was originally going to become an encyclopedia on the world MLP.
Just so nopony gets the wrong idea. Yes there is an alicorn OC in this, but he isn't the main character (And he will not be OP, we have seen what alicorns can do and frankly besides a few perks, they're hardly god-like). Also Starswirl the bearded is a major character, but I cannot pin a pic of him to the story, since it doesn't exist.
Please say if you have any problems and I'll try to better them.
And don't worry. It's not a Song of ice and fire rip off.
Please enjoy.
Awesome!
>in a cannon instead of existing in current canon
>pony creator cover art
>bad grammar in the TITLE
Insta-downvote, not going to bother.
3787435
Well... Thanks for giving a reason anyway
Pffffft! Hahaha! Oh god, wow!
...
This got past the mods?
3787442
Well yes it did. What is the problem?
Is the story not written good enough?
Is there bad grammar? Or is it the cover art, please tell me what is wrong?
3787474 Well to tell you the truth, it's everything that Starlight Shadow had said prior. It's an Alicorn OC, it's got capitalization errors in the title, and these kinds of stories are not really...welcomed in this site.
You must be new here
3787486
I just tried to make an action adventure story. Why is that frowned upon?
And if the art and title is such a big problem, then I can just fix that.
I mean, no pony knows what's even gonna happen and they're killing it already?
If I throw boobs into it, do you think people would read it then?
3787486 if you dont put a pic of a alicorn OC then you can at least get away with it ...
3787503
Like I said, people will instantly downvote these kinds of stories. It's not just the art and the title, it's the main character. He's an alicorn. That doesn't fly well with fanfiction writers in the Brony community because alicorns are generally OP and people post stories about their own OC alicorns being OP and they do it in such a way that it makes everybody else angry at their incompetence in the writing field.
At least you have some kind of competence.
3787509 I'll have to agree with that.
3787503 look sir... you have to be very careful about putting a story with such a character such as a alicorn...
this site is very critical about it
3787520
3787523
Indeed, This site is very critical about Alicorn OC's because as said they are very OP, unless written correctly the story can fall to pieces, thus unintentionally giving the author more stress. Written correctly though... It can make an amazing story, like many others on the site.
3787528
But they haven't even really seen him. He's gotten glanced over so far. I try to do my best in this make a story that others can enjoy. I wouldn't be a dick and make an OP bastard that just fucks around in the story. Besides, the TV series has showed them to be strong, but nothing near invincible.
3787554 And you know what, that I can see happening. The author here actually has the ability to write.
3787569
Yes, indeed, I'm glad we agree their,
Now it's just up to the author to make up for the Alicorn by mind boggling us.
3787568 oh you think I dont know what it is to have a alicorn OC then read my story...
there is a difference with what you are suppose to do in such a situation...
I am not here to hurt feelings... but they're ways of doing such stories and get away with it.
well mostly...
All I can say is that people in this site are disgusted of Alicorn Ocs because there are done usually bad...
But if you do your reserch you can also find ways of doing such stories and not have a problem...
Just be aware of people who don't like cliche stuff and want good original stories....
3787440
Some grammatical errors here and there, but I think you have something good here regardless after some time and careful editing. I look forward to see more.
I must argue the mention of this being in canon though. Stories of other alicorns doing things alongside the likes of Luna and Celestia and then being either forgotten or never mentioned in the show can still be allowed the 'what if' clearance as long as the story is engaging. The catch is convincing the readers of that perspective. If nothing else, the AU tag could be considered. Just a thought.
3787435
So you didn't even READ any the story before giving the downvote? You know, the most important and relevant reason to give a vote here in the first place?
3787569
This story just got started. There is hardly enough about it to legitimately criticize the contents. What should be frowned upon is not giving stories a chance to develop... Though I recognize your point nonetheless.
3787496
And you must not have been here long enough. This writer might appreciate help, and that's all you have to say?
3787612
Even a clichéd story can be good if it follows the right steps. Plus, originality is really hard to come by depending on where you look.
3787496
I've been on here since the summer 2012...
3787894
Then you haven't learned anything.
3787789 i do agree with that...
3787942
Age before beauty bub
3787942
I am against convention. Just because boobs gives views, doesn't mean everyone should write about that. And the thing I haven't learned... is it about the alicorn?
Because if it is, then tell me about his character and what's wrong with him. I'd love to know.
Besides I already have another pretty successful story going, but I thought I would do more than only one thing.
Either you're referring to her casually: "goddess of the sun", or it's a title: "Goddess of the Sun". Either capitalize both words or neither.
Needs a comma after darkness, and there is absolutely no reason to capitalize "the" in the middle of the sentence.
There's a difference between "tale" and "tail"; learn it. And don't even get me started on the color scheme that resembles absolutely no character in the show.
Again, an unnecessary capitalization.
This should be one sentence instead of two, with the clauses separated by a colon.
You need a comma in front of this.
"Millennia" is plural, "millenium" is singular.
You forgot to put a period at the end of this sentence.
How about some consistency? Either go with "five thousand" or "5000", but mixing like this just makes you look sloppy.
It's far, far more common to use the phrase "in symbiosis".
It's not the worst I've seen, not by a long shot. But there are enough issues to keep me from wanting to read more...
3788403
Hey thanks a lot for the help
I'm Danish so I don't really know all the rules. Sad you won't be a fan, but I'm certainly glad that you have a fair reason for not sticking to it.
Sorry Dean, no real fave so far from me. I want to see if the story improves.
I don't know what kind of writing style you want to go for, but the Prepude is very "distant" from the reader. That might change with the second chapter, as the first one was to introduce the races and give some backstory, I guess.
Another thing is ask a proofreader to look over your story. There are still quite a few errors in there.
As for the Alicorn? I guess you mean Aurum, right? I don't really see so far what the problem with him is.
What you could do it change the describtion of the story, because right now it focuses on the alicorn and it being "canon".... Which always brings up problems (in other words people). For the canon thing, just give it a Alternate Universe tag.
3787496 for a person without stories, I'd be quiet.
3821804
Thanks so much for the feedback man
The best way I can explain the first chapter, would be the first scenes in The fellowship of the ring.
This is so people know the back story and you see the beginning of the end... at the beginning. I think I might have tried to be too cinematic, for my current writing abilities.