• Published 18th Nov 2012
  • 2,367 Views, 126 Comments

The alicorns - skittlesth3pony



twilight and friends wake up with a surprise

  • ...
21
 126
 2,367

awoken

The Tale of Six Unicorns

Twilight sparkle woke up when the blazing sun spread across her purple skin feeling great on her wings. She slowly woke up with her head hurting and slowly moved out of bed she looked awful almost as bad as she felt. She used her magic on a light teal hairbrush which glowed purple at her magic touch and started brushing her indigo mane with a streak of purple in it after her mane was brushed she started preening her feathers and slowly walked out in a daze. Spike the purple dragon assistant was working on breakfast and turned around to say “hello to you twi whets up” and then he caught sight of her wings he started stammering as twilight said “hello to you to spike” in her usually cheery voice. “What’s up?” she asked quizzically starting to worry about her assistant.


He finely blurted out “you’ve got wings twilight” she laughed at him “no I don’t spike” and laughed some more.

She passed by the kitchen mirror she stared she did have wings huge ones in fact bigger than an Pegasus. She kept staring she noticed she was taller and looked stronger
she said quiet blankly “spike am I dreaming?
” she asked he said very bluntly “no Twi no you aren’t”. She jumped in her skin and said “spike take a note” spike grabbed a quill and paper and sat ready to write.

Twilight started “princess I have urgent news it seems I have sprouted wings and grown bigger than last we met I must ask for your help in this time of need”.

Spike then shot his fire over the letter its ashes heading in the direction of canterlot. Then an earsplitting scream spread across pony ville one that sounded suspiciously like Rainbow Dash suddenly a cyan colored Pegasus came crashing through her roof a
despite look in rainbow dashes eyes as she screamed “TWILIGHT I’VE GOT A HORN”!
Twilight jumped in alarm rainbow had too grown big and her wings were much bigger than normal and a small horn one you might see on a filly was producing from her forehead.
Twilight said quite calmly “don’t worry I have sent a letter to the princess as you can tell I’ve sprouted wings I am positive she will reply with a reasonable answer”.
Just then a letter produced from midair with only a couple of sentences unusual for a letter from Celestia it said

“Twilight I have had a feeling something like this was bound to happen I believe the elements of harmony have changed you. Gather your friends and meet me at Canterlot”.


Twilight was worried but said to rainbow dash “I need you to go and find flutter shy ill go find Pinkie Pie” rainbow dash still confused did as ordered and went to fluttershy's house while Twilight ran to Sugar Cube Corner and spotted Pinkie Pie trotting along the outside gesturing toward the store with a smile on her face twilight was relieved to see she hadn’t noticed her wings or horn.
Twilight rushed forward and said “pinkie pie I don’t know if you noticed but you have wings and a horn and are a lot taller”.

Pinkie just smiled back saying “I know aren’t they pretty” said pinkie pie “yes” implored twilight cautishly and said “anr’t you a bit alarmed by that” “very much so but I don’t think its bad “ “well any way I need you to help me find rarity and applejack”.

Pinkie pie said no problem and pushed twilight into the market and pointed her hoof at applejacks market both apple jack and flutter shy were staring at each other with fear in their eyes flutter shy was the first to scream and nearly bolted off but twilight used her magic to keep her there until she could explain. She slowly placed flutter shy down and applejack walked up very confused look on her face. Very carefully she explained that they had to go see princess celistia to talk what had happened to them now all they needed to find is rarity they found her in her boutique rushing around fixing her outfits.
“Only rarity would worry more about her clothes line than her sudden appearance”
stated twilight

they all walked up to Rarity causally trying to explain what happened Rarity quickly nodded then said
“so all we have to find is RD”

just then rainbow dash soared through her door looking worried then her expression softened as she saw all her friends gathered.


She said “well I guess we better go to celestia” maybe we don’t have time to take the train said Twilight” maybe I could teleport us there.
She then focused her mind on canterlot unlocking her inner hidden alicorn power then slowly spread her magic through her friends minds its purple glow lighting their faces and then the world exploded. They slushed through time and space minds whirling as they all thought of their past and future then the world exploded again. Celestia was in her bedroom at the time combing her mane thinking of what Twilight and her friends were doing then she heard an explosion. She whirled around and teleported to the library and saw twilight and her friends lying sprawled on top of each other in a ring of black. Slowly Celestia looked around and saw the entire collection of history books between 875 through 1000 destroyed she saw this as no great loss but looked back at twilight and said,
“What are you guys doing”? Then she paid some more attention and saw as they got up that each one had grown much bigger and had horns and wings she stared shocked at them and said quite angrily
“Twilight were you drunk again”?
“No” replied Twilight and then explained how each one of them had woken up at this morning and had seen their transformation. Celestia said “everypony gather around the table” said Celestia as she conjured one small wooden table. She told a tale of six alicorns the first one dawn who was an honest and a hard worker who had gone insane after discord had shown her friends each lying and talking about her for hours on end on ways to kill her each one worse than the last and she had finally snapped and had started trying to kill them all but she was defeated and they decided the best course of action was to put her in an amulet of golden red apple encased in gold which held her powers of honesty and hard work. Celestia took a second to breath then pinkie pie then said
“why an apple why not a pony maybe a Gem or maybe a balloon”
“stop calm down pinkie pie no questions right now please”.


Said Celistia a little exasperated then said
“next to fall to discord had been streeker who loyalty had betrayed her by making it seem as the ponies would do to her when they found out that she had talked to him it showed her ripping her apart limb by limb she had gone insane and had tried to kill them in a fury she almost killed hydro just before she had time to strike her hoof had been torn away by dawn and held it there then incased her best element in a gem made her element of loyalty"
she cast a knowing look at rainbow dash and continued the gem then formed into a lightning bolt shaded in with red. Next to go bonkers was hydro the nicest of all ponies she saw her herself betrayed by the animals she cared for and they murder her she went mad by this nightmare and this time tried to destroy the current elements of harmony we stopped her and incased her kindness in a gem of butterflies she cast a glance at fluttershy then continued her tale soon the rest followed leaving me and Luna to rule the kingdom now it seems they want you to have their powers and help us rule but first I must talk to Luna the rest of you please leave.
Twilight said “okay guys what do you think about that story”? Applejack said,
“I think we have a whole lot more responsibility huh” said twilight
“Yep” sighed rarity they all sat quietly each pony caught up in their own thoughts. Then Luna walked in and said
‘come with me I have to show you something” she walked slowly out and they all followed behind her pinkie pie whispered to fluttershy “wonder where we are going maybe it’s a party”.
Fluttershy talked normally but as you know she has such a gentle quite voice “I don’t think so” “more likely we are going to a throne room of some sort”.


Pinkie pie looked slightly sad but soon recovered “then maybe I can make it a party”.
She bounced in place for a bit then rushed to catch up to the group. They walked on in silence for a bit then they stopped in front of a massive bronze doors the massive one on the right was embrowned with beautiful stars and the shining moon then on the left there was embossed with a beautiful sun that seemed to light up the entire room with its beauty. Celestia flew up and stuck her horn in the center of the suns core then Luna flew up and inserted her horn in the center of the moon and the doors glowed as they pushed their magic into the door and it slowly crept open until it slammed into the castles interior walls celestia landed beside the group as Luna followed suit. They gestured the group into a room simply furnished with just eight beds and antiqueness every where then they looked closer and noticed sitting on seven of the mannequins was armor of sorts the first one was celestas it was golden and looked very heavy and glowed with magic next was a purple armor of some sort and it glowed with magic twilight felt compelled to stare at it slowly came into focus it was made of dragon scale and covered the most vital parts of a unicorns body because in the head piece was a large socket in which to insert a horn and there was large slits in which to put ones wings inside twilight walked up to it compelled by its beauty and celestia said quite calmly
“I see I was correct twilight you have been drawn to the armor of magic once used by thgiliwt”
and scanned the room and saw each pony being drawn to their armor pinkie pie an exact replica like twilights but in hot pink and rainbows was blue like her fur but had spots for her mane and tail to show and rarity was a deep purple and a diamond in the middle and finely fluttershys was a green forest color with a bunny painted on her chest piece.


Luna walked in the middle of the room and inserted her horn into a small hole in the ground out came swords embodied with gems but the handle each gad the gems colored of their armor and
Luna said “come my ponies take your swords”. Each pony donned their armor and walked up and took their swords resting them on their scabbards that had melted out of their armor and celestia stood before them donning her armor and said
“we are giving you the armor of old alicorns it will protect you from harm and these weapons were the swords of dragons and were unstoppable these are for enemies of the hold but I don’t think we will be attacked any time soon but here is what we are going to do we will let you live normal lives and stop by to help you understand alicorn ways”.




Two Weeks Later
Things had thankfully gone back to normal well sort of twilight was mastering her new powers and had gotten quite good while applejack used her new powers to help out the farm rarity was using hers to create magical dresses that cleaned them selves fluttershy used her to care for woodland creators and rainbow dash had honed her wings so she could create sonic rainbooms just by flying sideways and as always pnkie pie was using hers for parties. Twilight decided that she should pay the princess a visit she teleported right in front of celestias bedroom door she knocked. Loud booming echoes shattered the silence of the room celestia upon hearing this walked to the door and opened it there was her favorite student twilight sparkle her mouth turned into a warm motherly smile and said
“hello twilight what brings you here”? Twilight then replied, “Celestia are me and my friends now able to move the suns and the stars”?


Celestia was a bit taken back by this but replied,
“I believe so twilight why do you ask”? Twilight then said “because I wanted to test if I could move it but I wanted your permission” celestia smiled at this she replied
“follow me I know the perfect spot to practice its where Luna regained her powers”. You will take what you learn what you have to do to move the suns and the stars and to master your powers for good and to not lose your grip on sanity like our poor friends”. She cast a sad glance across the landscape staring into the sun then she regained her composure and continued
“first you must learn a couple of different abilities like to master your inner demons to do this I must make you go to sleep you will not wake up until you have killed the demon inside you are you sure you want to do this”? She asked warning her she would have to die to do this.
Twilight looked scared for a second than determined “yes I would like to do it” quite quickly twilight felt her chest receive a horn in it and fell to the ground crumbled celestia turned around and as a tear fell across her face then started the healing process. Twilight awoke in a feebly furnished room with nothing but a sink she walked over and washed her face she looked up in the mirror felling an irresistible reason to do so. it was her face but rotten and torn like it had decayed for a year and it said
“hi twilight” in its raspy voice twilight reared back slamming into the back wall feeling a shiver run down her spine “What are you” she said in a horrified voice


“I’m you just after I kill you I am your inner demon the murderer you suppressed and hated who you shunned and feared but alas I am no alicorn but I can still kill you”
she said each word as her sick smile grew bigger and bigger. Twilight ran like a timber wolf from fire she looked back once and saw the thing moving closer walking as if it knew she had her trapped twilight grabbed the handle on the door and yanked it didn’t budge she turned around and awaited her fait a million thoughts racing through her mind then on brave hopeful thought came up she was an alicorn the strongest breed of pony why should she be scared of this thing she looked the thing in the eye her eyes bright with determination. It reared back surprised then regained its thoughts and charged its legs making sickening crunches at each hoof drop twilight slightly flinched at the sound then flared her horn with magic its strong purple glow lit the room with warmth and happiness she summoned a cage of pure magic and it swallowed the very surprised thing and crunched in on its self teleporting far away. Twilight woke with a startle she was in a soft bed made of wool and wood she looked around the walls were cobblestone and on the left she saw a wall of white and just stared what is this she thought to her self and looked slightly and saw wings and a body formed in her mind eyes it was princess celestia and she hurried to bow princess celestia looked down and said a slight smile on her lips good job twilight you defeated you and now you are truly an immortal and you can now learn to move the sun and moon and learn the magic of this world.


But first you must go home and rest
“princess what would happen if that thing had touched me” she said her voice quivering the princess slowly said “it would have killed you and torn you apart and made you look like it”.
Twilight nodded then slowly stood and walked out saying goodbye to the princess twilight walked the whole way to ponyville lost in her own thoughts then she brightened up just ahead she saw ponyville her home her sanctuary her friends in her minds eye she pictured each one she smiled as she ran into ponyville her wings fluttering and she saw her other immortal friend rainbow dash lying in one of her famous white clouds and her rainbow mane slipping over the side of the cloud “rainbow how you doing” twilight said quite happily
“sup twi what’s up” she said as she turned over on her cloud to look at her friend her eyes light up with happiness at seeing twilight. And jumped off the cloud her wings catching her
“what’s going on“ she said haply. Twilight said, “Oh I am learning to move the sun and moon like Luna and celestia”. Rainbows mouth dropped in surprise she stammered
“Rreally” Twilight simply nodded in response before walking off to her favorite spot the library. She opened the small wooden door to a scream of surprise from pinkie and more than half the town she looked up to see a banner saying
“happy learning to move the planets day” pinkie walked up and said
“you like it huh huh” twilight said a little overwhelmed “yeah its really cool but I have to go to sleep I’m really tired if that’s okay” Pinkie pie nodded then said
“okie dokie lokie”. Twilight slept that night with no nightmares no nothing. The next day twilight woke up to the smell of cinnamon bons and bacon she sniffed again and slowly got up and went over to the mirror and brushed her mane using her purple hairbrush pruning her wings afterwards. She walked down her hard wooden stairs and stepped into her kitchen spike her dragon was cooking her favorite breakfast they ate in silence before spike said “what was it like learning to move the planets” twilight thought for a moment then said
“horrible it was a nightmare a a” she fell into silence than said “I don’t wanna talk about it”

Comments ( 103 )

Guys, we're on the precipice of a literary breakthrough here.

...
...
...
...
Nope.

docter o mally i am only 14 and this is my first story ive ever written i finily figured out how to create an acount and im sorry im not good on grammer i just dont care for it and the original vilion is in the next chapter and im sorry you didnt like it.:fluttershysad:

and whats wrong with six new alicorns

1639611
I'm not sure if you're trolling or haven't even picked up a book.

regider im glad you liked it:scootangel:

thorlol no i dont like trolling sorry you feel that way:facehoof:

i have no intention of becoming a great author

Wow, this reminds me of when I started writing fanfictions:twilightsheepish:, but don't worry, you will get better, you just have to practice your writing and grammer, than you will get better :twilightsmile:

1639378 Stop right there, you astronomical wanker!

and whats wrong with six new alicorns

My god... where's an Exterminatus when you need one?

sierra_seven_ thats a bit rude dont you think arn't we all bronys and arnt we all supposed to love and tolerate.:applejackunsure:

Well, atleast you attempted a Alicorn Story. I wouldn't dare try that one, only ever in my thoughts will those stories exist. I should share my idea with you at some point in time. Then you could wite it because I'm totally not bothered writing. My fics are bad anyways.

EDIT: Also, can I proof read and edit this when I'm done with my studies? Like later this afternoon or something? I need something to do.

thanks Shadikal12345 i would like that very much:derpytongue2:

1639611 Excuse me, I'm 14, and I can pull out better stories then this. Please don't use that as an excuse ever again.
1639710 :rainbowkiss:
1639681 I wouldn't be me if I weren't.
1639720 Welcome to the site: where the ideas of love and tolerance are thrown out the window, and then you get gang-raped by the TWE.

1639748 i have read many a fanfiction and also im an avid reader in my soical life again im sorry you didnt like it and thanks for the button thing:pinkiehappy:

1639765

Welcome to the site: where the ideas of love and tolerance are thrown out the window, and then you get gang-raped by the TWE.

:rainbowkiss:

1639777 Not always. I've yet to put one here.

1639787 Your avatar makes everything better.

1639790 well i had no idea that alicorn OC were frowned opun and if you read a most books you will see that they are uasuly broken into a paragraphs and form wall of texts besides i like storys more like this than the ones with a space between every line

1639790 well i had no idea that alicorn OC were frowned opun and if you read a most books you will see that they are uasuly broken into a paragraphs and form wall of texts besides i like storys more like this than the ones with a space between every line 1639765 i just dont like to write much this was more of a competition between me and my friend i won and had to post this on fim fiction thats why the acount is new.

1639833 compared to the classics like gone with the wind and lord of the rings.

1639856 well thats new ill read about it now:rainbowhuh:

1639777
We have arrived.

Well, this is... Interesting. I'll just get to pointing out whatever is blatant or repeated enough to be worth correction.

Alicorns. No. Just no. I don't mean to crush your dreams of empowering the mane six beyond their already incredibly abilities, but nopony. No. Pony. Except incredibly skilled authors have pulled off a proper use of alicorns. Most end in Gary Stu/Mary Sue nightmares.

Syntax. Might want a proof-reader. -reads slightly more- Need a proof-reader.

Dialogue. There is little emotion behind what is said, the only reason I even partially understand the context is because it is built in by using canon characters. The reaction to suddenly growing wings is.... Nonexistent. Say you woke up with four arms tomorrow, how would you feel? What would you do? Would you scream and have a small/large panic attack? Or would you calmly tell your teacher about your new appendages?

Wall of text. They are very unappealing to a reader, they turn away those without a stomach for such things. Space them out. make additional paragraphs. If you cannot fit at least three paragraphs on your screen at any one time, you are probably suffering wall of text.

Dialogue. You should create a new paragraph for each speaker, it simply makes it more manageable and easier to read. Probably more reasons for that, but I am not an English professor.



I would continue, but I think that is enough for now. Best of luck with your career as a writer of fan fiction, but try to fix, or at least consider, the above before your next work is published.

Strike the Earth!
-Onyx

1639827 The fun has been doubled!

1639777 Yup. He's unlocked the gates of hell.

1639884 i personaly consider twilight to be the calmest of the group thats why i went with her reaction.

1639884 i personaly consider twilight to be the calmest of the group thats why i went with her reaction.1639893fixed it

1639720
Oh for god's sake. This story was bad. OK? It was bad as literature, it was a bad concept. OK? It. Was. Bad.

1639660
If this isn't trolling then please look at how published writers do it.

Let me show you what you did wrong.

One speaker a paragraph. Always.

Proper nouns (I.E Names) have to be capitalzed. Same with the first letter of a sentence and first letter in a quotation mark.

Run on sentences. When a new thought starts put a period or some form of punctuation (AKA comma) but don't over use the comma. Nor don't ignore him.

You claim to be an avid reader. Then why doesn't this look like a book you've read? Because I've never seen a book like this.

Next: if you want to make OC names then don't be a dumbo and just use the reverse names of the Mane 6. Think of something else!

Rainbows mouth dropped in surprise she stammered

One of many examples of plural vs possessive errors.
Rainbows means that it belongs to many Rainbows.

Rainbow's means that it belongs to one Rainbow.

Now. Onto names:
Twilight Sparkle
Applejack
Pinkie Pie
Rainbow Dash
Fluttershy
Rarity
Celestia

Capitalized.

875 through 1000

Write out those numbers. Please. It makes it look better.

Whoosh!
thorlol.deviantart.com/art/TWE-Reviewer-328831366
Thorlol: TWE Resident Scarf Knitter.

1639975 thanks for the tips and ill try to make it better in aspects.

1639833 what book is that? i read a page it looks cool.

1639611
Grammar is important for one reason and one reason alone: It's the difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

Basically if you don't know the difference and can't be bothered to learn it then you're the latter instead of the former.

And as for "love and tolerate" that's another bastardisation that has totally lost it's meaning from it's original intent. People have used it without knowing the context and what it actually stood for. This started back on 4chan, people liked to post ponies in threads. This got to be so bad that the mods banned any pony threads which led to the classic meme:
imgderp.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/mods-are-asleep-POST-PONIES-500x380.jpg
When finally the backlash occurred the term "love and tollerate" was created, not for bronies but for the people that didn't like them posting ponies. In other words, "you might hate me posting ponies but I'm going to love and tollerate the shit out of you". What this effectively meant was, you might have stopped me from doing what I want, but I will still smile and won't throw a hissy fit because of it. However, people don't know this and have taken it to mean, "let's all be nice to each other" which is not the original meaning.

That's enough history lesson for today. It's dinner time now so I don't have time to actually do a review of your fic but trust me when I say it's on it's way and 14 years old or not, I'm not going to be kind.

>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke

Alright, bud, I can sum up what your experience with this site is going to be in one picture:
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/30433799.jpg

Dat description.

Grammar, man! It needs to be used!

1640027 no love and tolerance was not started for non bronys it started so we the bronies would not be offened by parasprites and i know about hte four chan war and why is this getting so many comments ive had it up for less than a day

second why not read other stories many other great writers me exculeded are writing and posting in hopes of having a good and wholsem experiance on this site why do we have to hate dont like it leave a dislike and constructive critism not insults and rudeness thats not what being a brony is about.

1640067
fireden.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/bender_laugh.jpg

So please, why don't you inform us what being a brony is all about considering you know so much about it? I'm sure it will be illuminating to all.

TWE's Scribblestick here to make some sense of what's going on here.

So you mentioned you don't want to be a 'great writer.' That's fine. Some people just write for fun, and I respect that. However, it's still a good idea to constantly try to improve the way you write. That goes for every writer, even the greats. That's what this review is about—helping you be the best writer you can be.

So, let's get started, shall we? :pinkiehappy:

>Jackapple
>Dasher of Rainbows
>Shyflutters
>Thgiliwt
>Thgiliwt

How do you even say that?

I mean, turning the Mane Six into alicorns for no apparent reason is one thing, but at least you could have given their predecessors creative, pronouncable names.

While we're at it, capitalize proper nouns (Canterlot, Princess Celestia, Fluttershy), check your spelling (some can be fixed with spellcheck, others will require close proofreading, have only one speaker per paragraph, and put punctionation inside the quote marks when they come at the end of dialogue. Failure to do so makes it look like you have no clue what you're doing.

A little note on alicorns. People don't like them because there's rarely a reason for a character to be an alicorn. They're overpowered by their very nature, and they're very hard to write well, especially when they're OCs. I mentioned earlier that you made every one of the Mane Six an alicorn for no reason. Why no reason? Well, five of them never do anything important with their alicorn status. I know this is incomplete, but considering how much ground you've covered in this chapter, it seems odd that it's only affected Twilight so far. Yes, I know AJ and Rarity used their newfound powers in their work, but it's not relevant to the plot, and they were doing their jobs just fine as an earth pony and a unicorn, respectively. In other words, there's no reason for them to be alicorns.

Even Twilight barely has a reason to be an alicorn. The only thing it motivates her to do is ask Celestia to teach her to move the cosmos, and the only reason for that is so she can face her inner demon. This could have been achieved without making Twilight an alicorn, so once again, there was no reason to make her one in the first place. Everything you're doing with the characters could be achieved just as easily without changing their race, so the whole thing just comes off as pointless at best.

Then there's the sheer amount of stuff in this chapter. To put it simply, you're moving too fast, and we readers don't have time to get a sense of the characters, settings, or even plot. Slow down and describe things, especially characters and settings. Describe what the characters do and feel. That way, we'll be able to connect with them and care about what happens to them.

Okay, let's look at some details.

“Only rarity would worry more about her clothes line than her sudden appearance” stated twilight they all walked up to Rarity causally trying to explain what happened Rarity quickly nodded then said “so all we have to find is RD” just then rainbow dash soared through her door looking worried then her expression softened as she saw all her friends gathered.

There's way too much in this sentence. One sentence should contain one thought. Let's see what we have here:
1) Twilight mentions Rarity's priorities
2) They try to explain to Rarity what's going on
3) Rarity accepts it and proposes a course of action
4) Rainbow Dash arrives, looking worried
5) Dash relaxes

Five thoughts, five sentences:

“Only Rarity would worry more about her clothes line than her sudden appearance,” stated Twilight. They all walked up to Rarity, causally trying to explain what happened.

Rarity quickly nodded and said, “So all we have to find is RD.” Just then, Rainbow Dash soared through her door, looking worried. Then her expression softened as she saw all her friends gathered.

There's more work to be done here, but at least the sentences make sense now.

Finally, this:

What she saw would scar you for life that’s why I wont be to detailed

If you're not going to be detailed, don't be detailed. You don't have to break the narrative and the fourth wall to explain it.

Whelp, that's all from me. Hope it helps! :twilightsmile:

~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator

1640067 Okay, constructive criticism does not mean being polite and saying that your story is awesome. It means pointing out the flaws in your story, and suggesting ways to fix it. As you can see, 1639681, 1639975, and 1639884 have all given you plenty of constructive criticism. Sure, they were a little rude about it, but instead of complaining about how people aren't bronies, how about using the criticism that they gave you and improving this story so it becomes something that more people will like?

1640108 thanks a bunch i change those right now and slow down.

1640029
I love you.

TA:
I really think you should take everyone else's advice.
puu.sh/1rKSy.jpg

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