Derpy's muffin Necklace

rainbowdash0301

rainbowdash0301 #1 · Nov 13th, 2012 · · ·

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this is my first published story. please post only good things in the comments. I will add more chapters soon.

Pen Brush

Pen Brush #2 · Nov 14th, 2012 · · ·

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1609343
a good writer who hopes to get better would welcome some critizism even if it isnt nice.

Pixels

Pixels #3 · Nov 14th, 2012 · · 1 ·

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please post only good things in the comments.

fim.413chan.net/oatmeal/src/132130433394-3881_-_angel_image_m.png

An A10 Warthog

An A10 Warthog #4 · Nov 14th, 2012 · · 1 ·

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1609343
Not. Today.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #5 · Nov 15th, 2012 · · ·

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Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here!

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

this is my first published story. please post only good things in the comments.

You must be new here.

One day, Derpy, a fifteen year old girl with messed up eyes and wearing a grey shirt that had a muffin dancing with another muffin and jean shorts,

Why is the muffin dancing with jean shorts?

was walking down Main Street when suddenly she passed out.

cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/30187999.jpg

She awoke to find out she was in the middle of a field of tall barley.

"Holy crap, where the hell am I?" Derpy said, like any normal person would upon waking up in a totally alien place.

She looked around and saw a shimmer of light. She walked towards the shiny item to find it was a necklace. The necklace was a shiny silver with a muffin-shaped pendant at the bottom.
“Hey it’s a muffin necklace. I love it!” Derpy said with enthusiasm as she put the necklace on, “and it goes great with my top.”

"It's a good thing I have no normal human emotions, or I'd be freaking out right now!"

“Hello? Anyone out there?” Derpy yelled, “I’m lost.” Just as she said those two words, her necklace got a little warmer. As she turned to the right, it got cold again, but as she turned left, it got unmistakably warmer. Derpy thought what could it hurt to go the warmer way?

"Why was a magic necklace lying in the middle of a random barley field?" Derpy didn't bother to wonder.

Her necklace got warmer as she walked, and she had to frequently move it away from her skin in fear of burning herself.

"Whoever designed this necklace was an idiot," Derpy mused to herself.

She looked at her watch, which also looked like a muffin, and realized she had been walking for at least three hours.

"Hm, I've been walking through this endless barley field for two hours now, with no change of scenery and no sign of progress except an inexplicable muffin necklace that keeps leaving painful burn on my skin. ONWARD!"

“What have I done? I should have stayed in place. Dang necklace. It got me more lost than I already was.

"Instead of being lost in a barley field, now I'm lost in a barley field!"

Looking around, she couldn’t see a single thing other than barley, and a cave like thing about one hundred yards away from her.

"Funny, I would have thought I'd have noticed that cave-like thing before I went to sleep. And what the heck is a cave-like thing? Is it in the side of a hill? Is it just a black portal floating in midair? This setting is so bland and nondescript!"

She spun around in fear, and saw a muffin, just floating there. She pounced on it and ate the muffin quickly, waiting for another one to appear. When none came, she laid down and slept.

"Welp, I've been up for three hours. Time to sleep!"

When Derpy woke up, she instantly started crying because she didn’t know where she was and she shouldn’t have moved.

"Holy delayed reaction, Batman!" she said to herself.

I can't go on. This is utterly nonsensical, and not in a good way. Scenes are not described, characters react randomly and inexplicably, and nothing really makes sense. The "Random" tag is not an excuse to abandon narrative structure.

Your grammar is okay, but you really need to double-space your paragraphs.

Final verdict: needs serious work. It's not unsalvageable, but it's pretty rough.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak

bahatumay

bahatumay #6 · Nov 15th, 2012 · · ·

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"only good things"
Careful what you ask for.

It felt rushed, especially towards the end. I was not quite sure what was happening. Derpy's lost, Luna and Kayne are lost, and bt (that's me) is lost as well.

rainbowdash0301

rainbowdash0301 #7 · Nov 15th, 2012 · · ·

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MUST REPHRASE!!!! Thank all of you and only post CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIZM (I think thats how you spell it ) extra thanks to the train wreck guy person for all the help. thanks deep pond!:)

asmcint

asmcint #8 · Nov 15th, 2012 · · ·

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I'm going to pick up where our beloved knight of Gak left off.

Screaming, Derpy woke up from her nightmare of evil giant muffins that ate people. She wiped the frightened tears from her eyes and stood up. Looking around, she couldn’t see a single thing other than barley, and a cave like thing about one hundred yards away from her. Derpy started slowly walking towards it. She looked at her watch and saw that it had been several hours since she had last eaten. She grabbed some barley and tried to eat it, but ended up just spitting it put from the unpalatable taste it left in her mouth. She grabbed at her necklace for an idea, when she heard a POOF behind her. She spun around in fear, and saw a muffin, just floating there. She pounced on it and ate the muffin quickly, waiting for another one to appear. When none came, she laid down and slept.
When Derpy woke up, she instantly started crying because she didn’t know where she was and she shouldn’t have moved. She was still hungry, and looked around for a muffin. When none came, she started walking away. Right at that moment, she saw a flash of light before her, and stopped to see what it was. It was the muffin necklace. It fell off while she was sleeping. She picked it up, brushed it off and started walking, but stopped when she heard a low growl from behind her.
“Kayne, stop that. Be nice,” Said a girl from behind the dog.” Sorry about him. He’s a little nervous about being out here. Not to mention we’re lost and it keeps getting colder every day. I’m Luna, and you’ve already met Kayne.”
Luna was a taller girl than Derpy, only fifteen years old too. She was wearing an obviously too-big hoodie, jeans and a pretty red bow in her hair. She also had deep, dark blue eyes. Kayne, on the other hand, was a German Sheppard with a black studded collar, a red baseball cap and great brown eyes.
“Hey, do you have anywhere to sleep?” asked Kayne,”We did just find a cave earlier today. We already have a fire going, and it won’t be a burden to us at all.”

Actually, buck that.
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/NOPE+NOPE+NOPE_22ac94_3622327.gif

I don't see how Deep can see this as salvageable in any way. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME TOO MANY MINDFUCKS! Become a trollfic writer instead. Your mindfuck capability would be put to far better use in that area instead.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

TWE's Advisory Artillery
asmcint

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #9 · Nov 16th, 2012 · · ·

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1620456

I don't see how Deep can see this as salvageable in any way.

Well, let's look at the basic ideas here:

>Human Derpy awakens in a strange place.
>Derpy finds a magical muffin necklace.
>Derpy meets Human Luna and . . . Kayne? Um, okay . . .
>Human Dash shows up
>Human Derpy, Human Dash and Human Luna discover they have inexplicable powers, as does Dog Kayne.

Nothing bad there; a little trippy, but it could prove interesting. It certainly creates a host of questions to answer.

Become a trollfic writer instead.

Sweet singing seaponies, no. There are far too many of that breed of troll already.

rainbowdash0301

rainbowdash0301 #10 · Nov 16th, 2012 · · ·

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deep pond thanks for teh help. if this doesn't work out, i might start writing trollfics or cloppers.

asmcint

asmcint #11 · Nov 16th, 2012 · · ·

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1625269
Clopfics? Hmm... with your current abilities...
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/423/untitle.JPG

Sorry, but with what you've got here, I can already see the bland, unexplained type of clop you'd be writing. Of course, I don't READ clop, so it's also not my problem if you do go that way.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #12 · Nov 16th, 2012 · · 1 ·

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1625269
I strongly recommend you practice your writing skills a bit no matter what you like writing. A good trollfic still requires knowledge of the rules of grammar (if only so you know how to break them to best effect). A clopfic, if it's going to be more than just "insert Tab M into Slot F, repeat," requires even more skill at description and conveying emotions, because it's an uphill battle.

Whatever you do, good luck!

rainbowdash0301

rainbowdash0301 #13 · Nov 30th, 2012 · · ·

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thanks

Apple Jaskymilton

Apple Jaskymilton #14 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · 1 ·

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1628337shut up. humor ain't bout' grammar

Apple Jaskymilton

Apple Jaskymilton #15 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · 1 ·

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1616867ppl like u are the scum

An A10 Warthog

An A10 Warthog #16 · Feb 23rd, 2013 · · 1 ·

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2162816>>2162802 When someone says "Don't judge me, it's my first fic, I can screw up" and not expect people to correct it, they deserve it. Also, grammar matters in terms of readability. And yelling at other people because you don't agree with them makes you a hypocrite.

Apple Jaskymilton

Apple Jaskymilton #17 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · 1 ·

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2164528 I am the hypocrite of justice, and you, mister are on my bad list. FUCK YOU!

An A10 Warthog

An A10 Warthog #18 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · 1 ·

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2206432
>replying to someone's statement a week later on a dead fic

I am the hypocrite of justice, and you, mister are on my bad list. FUCK YOU!

Not exactly sure what you're trying to say here. You quite clearly don't understand something- you never gave me a legitimate reason to listen to you or why what you are saying is 'justice' or why I should be scared about being on your badlist. I am sorry, kid, but I won't reply to your future crappy attempts at trolling.

FillyCheeseSteak