The Power of Hatred

King Sombra Fan Fiction1,388 stories ·1,695 members

Source

For every friend, there is an enemy, for every smile a frown, and for love, there must always be hate. The power of hatred dates back to before Equestria even existed. The control of this magic is bestowed upon Star Swirl's trustworthy apprentice, but will she make the right choice when the time comes, or will she unintentionally create one of Equestria's most diabolical villains in the process?
=======
First story! So excited to be here and I hope you enjoy! This story is a little hard to categorize, as it sort of explains some of (what I like to think) are the origins of some characters, as well as filling out Star Swirl the Bearded and Clover the Clever. Please feel free to say whatever you like and dislike about this so that I may improve it!
Thank you!
Azure Crucis

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 9 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 9
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #1 · Nov 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Interesting concept here. I shall see where this is going. You've got my interest, which is always a good thing.

A few small suggestions for you:

Double-space your paragraphs. Indenting is good, but double-spacing is easier on the eyes.

Thoughts are usually indicated with italics. This makes it a lot easier to tell what is part of, say, Star Swirl's thoughts, and what is the (presumably objective) narrator describing things to us.

A very large percentage of your sentences, especially toward the beginning, start with "He [did something]." This gives a very dry, list-like quality. Consider mixing it up a bit.

Example:

Snow was coming down in dense sheets, blanketing the ground in white in a never ending blizzard that divided the already segregated ponies further and further. He watched the earth ponies in their huts shiver in the cold with anguish in his eye.
He had told Clover to alert Princess Platinum that this might be the work of Windigos, but her majesty was never big on listening to “peasants” such as him.
He had heard Chancellor Puddinghead and Commander Hurricane could be just as stubborn.
He turned from the window, running a hoof through his long, flowing, sparkling white beard as he moved down onto a lower level of his library home. His house was lined with scrolls and books of all shapes, sizes and lengths, all written by himself, of course. There was a shelf for other ponies’ works, but that particular section gathered a bit more dust than the others.
He busied himself by pulling a scroll off of his shelf in a burst of white telekinetic magic. His dull, grey eyes scanned over his words, judging everything from sentence structure to how the penmanship looked. He pointed his horn at the fireplace in the far corner of the room, which burst with life and heat even without any logs or kindling. The spell wouldn’t last long, but he was getting old, and it was getting harder and harder to weather the wintry hatred between the tribes.

That's eight sentences out of 11 beginning with "he" or "his.

Now look at this:

Snow was coming down in dense sheets, blanketing the ground in white in a never ending blizzard that divided the already segregated ponies further and further. The old magician watched the earth ponies in their huts shiver in the cold with anguish in his eye.
He had told Clover to alert Princess Platinum that this might be the work of Windigos, but her majesty was never big on listening to “peasants” such as him. Rumor had it, Chancellor Puddinghead and Commander Hurricane could be just as stubborn.
Turning from the window, he ran a hoof through his long, flowing, sparkling white beard as he moved down onto a lower level of his library home. The house was lined with scrolls and books of all shapes, sizes and lengths, all written by himself, of course. There was a shelf for other ponies’ works, but that particular section gathered a bit more dust than the others.
Star Swirl busied himself by pulling a scroll off of his shelf in a burst of white telekinetic magic. Dull grey eyes scanned over his words, judging everything from sentence structure to how the penmanship looked. He pointed his horn at the fireplace in the far corner of the room, which burst with life and heat even without any logs or kindling. The spell wouldn’t last long, but he was getting old, and it was getting harder and harder to weather the wintry hatred between the tribes.

You don't have to attribute everything to Star Swirl. If you start a paragraph with him, the reader can assume whatever else happens is about him/from his perspective, unless something changes dramatically.

Finally, you have a small case of show-don't-tell. Instead of just telling us his Star Swirl feels about the pony breeds, let us hear his thoughts. Instead of telling us "it was cold," have Clover shiver and pull her cloak tighter (not something you did, just an example). Show by description, rather than simply telling us.

You truly have been a great apprentice, and you shall make an amazing unicorn

Minor point: Sombra is already a unicorn. Unicorns are unicorns from birth. I think what Clover means is "you shall make an amazing magician."

These are minor issues, really, as you've got the basics down, but there's always room for improvement.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

CrimsonWriter7777

CrimsonWriter7777 #2 · Nov 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Great story man! An interesting take on why sombra has his unique power over darkness and hate. Personally, if I had been Starswirl, I would've let the knowledge of that magic die with me, but I can see why he passed it on: so that a pony like Clover can keep that power from taking over his race. Awesome story! Hope you continue it!

Azure Crucis

Azure Crucis #3 · Nov 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

1563625
Ah, thank you so much for that! I'll focus on editing this right away!

Scootaloser

Scootaloser #4 · Nov 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Impressive. You said this was your first story, correct? It was very interesting and I look forward to reading more. It's nice to get away from the big stories every now and again. I think Deep Pond's comment covered most of the issues. Keep up the good work! Liked and Favorited. (Possibly a watch if you keep it up. )