• Member Since 17th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen February 6th

Zelda Spectrum


"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal has dared to dream before." - Edgar Allen Poe

T
Source

To Bronze Plate, life is a bore. He is down on his luck and any unfortunate event that comes to mind has probably happened to him. He receives an invitation to his sister’s wedding located in Fillydelphia, a two day trip on hoof from Manehattan. On the way there, he stops in an old abandoned town to look for a place to rest. However, he soon discovers that he may not be the only pony in town and that stopping in this village might have been a grave mistake.
- Special thanks to CaramelSwirls for editing!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 11 )

Soundtrack I used:
Bronze Plate Intro
The invitation
Village of the Damned
Uada Village (Day)
Uada Village (Night)
Black Creature
Schoolhouse
Stone Giant
Crowd
Crowd chase

Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of this music. Copyrights of Amnesia: The Dark Descent and Penumbra belong to Frictional Games. Copyrights of Cry of Fear belong to Team Psykskallar

Nice story, the music adds a nice touch but it's annoying to scroll down and then back up. Perhaps you could make a playlist? Of course everyone's reading speed differs, so it could be difficult.
I found some typos I would like to point out
"I work as a cook in a crummy three-star restaurant; pay is not that good, but it keeps bread on the table." You forgot the 'a'
“Ok Glimmering, you win; I’ll come for to your wedding first thing tomorrow morning.” At first I thought the character was speaking like this (with an odd choosing of for) but I figured it's a typo.
I wonder where this story is headed, from what I know of Amnesia, (and for some reason I infer Silent Hill in this too) (I don't know much about Amnesia, so feel free to correct me) I think this might be heading in a sort of lone adventure where the main character slowly uncover the secrets of the town.Or I could be completely wrong and he gets gobbled up by the 'stone' creatures.:pinkiehappy:

1837598 Fixed. Thanks for pointing those out

1838047
No problem, I'm glad to help out.

This story is pretty fun! I especially like the whole "welcome to the herd" and "een von ons" bits. If that language were real, I'd learn it!! good write, btw. :pinkiehappy:

I had trouble sympathizing with the protagonist. I don't know if you intended to do this, but by describing his life from the first person, you made it seem like he had a real defeatist mentality. I didn't really care what happened to him because he didn't seem to care. He just wanted to complain about things rather than fixing them. You can run a down on his luck character, but if they don't try improve their own situation the story gets boring.

It particularly struck me how apathetic he was to losing his own wife right when he was about to start a family. It seemed like he should have been more broken up about that, and less about his declined living conditions. I have trouble believing anyone who was thinking of starting a family with someone else would prioritise it so low.

The other significant problem the story has is that it breaks a major rule of plot coherence. The conclusion of the story should be the result of the premise. There is not enough logic connecting the ending to the rest of the story. You gave the reason that he was unlucky as the sole reason he ended up in the ghost town. You had him read a book describing the ghost town, which is a very unlikely coincidence, but not a cause for him actually finding the town. Unless the book is cursed, but that doesn't really make sense either.

You can get away with having coincidence be the reason for stepping into a ghost story, but not when 2/3 of the story before that happens is working on a different logical arc. You could have solved this with some explanation like 'the town looks for ponies who have lost everything to absorb them'

Also, here's some things you aren't expected to fix, but are illogical. Why would a town who hates outsiders need an inn? Why would the unicorn curse them to kill everyone who enters the town? If nopony ever leaves the town, who wrote the book?

If the book actually is magic, you should have explained it better.

The basic structure of the story is here, and I like it. But, if you ever want to do a rewrite of it, the best improvement that I would think would be to do more showing and less telling. That, and I would imagine writing a story such as this in the third person instead of first would be more appropriate. If the ending assumes that a main character dies or disappears, then the first person narrative contradicts that. The reader thinks, "Wait, if the storyteller died, then how is he telling me the story?"

Not bad.... Not bad at all. Have a like and a fave:twilightsmile:

jmj

I'm going to review this fairly and tell you what I think because, once again, I think you deserve it. It's not meant to offend or offer biased praise. So, my thoughts:

It's very Robert Bloch. There's a lot of build up before the pay off and that adds to the story.

No gore. Good work. Gore is very useful in many ways but is often turned into a self-destructive force. I like the complete lack of it and how you still put together a good fic. Your ability to weave something without shredded limbs and hacked meat is worthy of applause because most just couldn't have waited to misguidedly show abdomens torn apart or skin flayed.

The language is still very easy to comprehend and succinct. I do like this but I also think that an improved diction could help distinguish your fics. The grammar is still pretty good and I only noticed a few misspellings and a semicolon misuse. I take this to mean that you understand how to effectively write a sentence. (A skill many do not have. Many. Like, 9/10 fail to write clearly or accurately.)

I thought the book was a good way of foreshadowing what was going to happen. It was heavy handed and pretty much "HEY! LOOK! RIGHT HERE! YOU SEE ME? YEAH! REMEMBER ME!" but it served its purpose and brings up some questions that subtly hinting may not have brought out.

The ending is pretty good but kind of predictable. This doesn't make it bad, but we know the village is the same one from the book and setting up more questions about whether or not the village is the same one would enhance suspense. There's also very little of a twist because we knew what was going to happen.

All and all, I liked it. I liked the overly long beginning because it helps us see that this character isn't just a cutout of a person. It's a little tedious but it has some realism that adheres us to him, or at least makes us realize he's not just a nameless nobody.

I think you have a lot of good ideas but the executions are either spot-on or blurry. I enjoyed reading this story and I look forward to reading more of them and seeing what else you come out with.
6/10.

Keep in mind that I'm being honest with these opinions. I'm not saying "Greatest thing ever" when I don't mean it or offering hollow praise. Also keep in mind that most fics I read are 2/10 at best and I don't bother even commenting on the drivel. 6/10 may sound harsh because so many will skew the ratings to be 5 is absolute garbage and 10 the best thing ever and not remember that 1 is the rating for garbage. This story was written better than most and had thought put into it. It pulls itself off well in several instances but also becomes bleary now and again.

I absolutely loved this and was sad when it ended.
amazing.

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