Uada Village

by Zelda Spectrum

Uada Village

A/N: To fully enjoy this story, read this in the dark and listen to the soundtrack in the comments below with headphones.

Uada Village

My name is Bronze Plate, and my life is filled with misfortune. Out of all the ponies in Equestria, I am probably the unluckiest of them all. I am a bronze earth pony stallion with a black, messy mane and my cutie mark is a blue shield. Judging by my name and cutie mark, you’d probably think I was a stallion in the army; well, you’d be sadly mistaken.

I did try to join the army some time back; I don’t remember how long, but I don’t care. They said I was too scrawny and weak to enlist and I wouldn’t last five minutes on the battlefield. They were right of course; I can’t even lift a sword without pulling a muscle. I’m not as buff as those other soldiers, but I thought I could still be a war hero in the Equestrian Army; such a foalish dream.

So what am I doing now you might ask? I work as a cook in a crummy three-star restaurant; pay is not that good, but it keeps bread on the table. I live in a two-star apartment in the middle of Manehattan. My room is a dump, my neighbors are very unfriendly, but it’s the cheapest place in this blasted city. My wife, excuse me, my ex-wife left me a few months ago and now resides in Canterlot.

We had been married for about three years when I worked happily as a blacksmith assistant. We lived in a four-star hotel on the other side of Manehattan and we had everything going our way. To think all this happiness disappeared as we decided to try and start a family. We knew the blacksmith was having a bit of financial trouble and I tried to help him out. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough; the blacksmith went out of business soon after and I was unemployed.

I tried to join the army soon after, but like I said before; I was too scrawny and too weak to be a soldier. We were forced to move into that crummy apartment and I was forced to work in that pigsty they call a restaurant. She left me a few days after and honestly, I don’t blame her. We did not have the money to support a foal, let alone ourselves in the same cramped room.

So, this is my life; crummy job, crummy apartment, little money, and on top of it all, I get yelled at seventeen plus times in a single day. I am just on my way back to my apartment where I will most likely get yelled at some more. I walk into the building to be greeted with the same bland, worn green walls and dirty white tiles. The wallpaper is peeling in multiple places and many of the tiles are chipped. I walk to the mailbox hanging on the left wall near the front desk and grab my mail in the slot that reads 7-09 and stuff it in my trench coat.

I turn right to be greeted by an elevator shaft and stairs on my left and a short hall with a few rooms on both sides. The elevator has been out of order for quite some time, so I am forced to take the stairs. Now, I wouldn’t mind this so much if my room wasn’t on the seventh blasted floor! After an exhausted climb up the stairs, my aching legs carry me to my room on the right marked 7-09. I pull my room key out of my trench coat and unlock the door. I struggle with the door handle as it too is broken and I have to lift it a certain way. I hear the door behind me open followed by the voice of an older gruff stallion.

“Rent!”

I do not turn around, but I do not have to as I already know who it is. It is Mr. Big Bucks; a grey, overweight stallion who owns this sorry excuse for an apartment. He has a small moustache, a brown mane, and a money six bits for his cutie mark. He mooches money off of me claiming it’s my rent fee, but I know he really just uses it to stuff his face with munchies from the local sweet shop.

‘Oh Celestia, not today please.’ I think to myself, ‘I’ve had a long last day at work, I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I hate this door!’ I start to get aggravated as I continue to struggle with the door. Finally, the door pops open and I walk into my room.

“Hey Bronze Plate,” he practically yells to me, “You missed your pay this morning; I need you to pay me the rent now!”

“I WILL ONCE YOU FIX THIS BLASTED DUMP!!” I snap back as I slam the door and lock it back. I turn around to view my room. It is a small room with very little furniture and a balcony. The bathroom that is to my right is covered in brown tile, chipped in some areas. The sink and toilet are both on the left wall and the bathtub/shower occupies the back space. The faucet has several rust patches on it and the mirror above is cracked. The shower curtain is torn in many places and the faucet to the tub has a bad habit of popping off when I turn the water on and spraying my chest with cold water.

I throw my trench coat off and step into the tub. I hold the faucet to the tub in place as I turn the water on and wait for it to warm up. I want to hurry and get a warm shower before Mr. Big Bucks takes all the hot water, which he has done multiple times. Once the water is warm enough, I push in a small button and the shower head sputters to life.

After I clean all the grease and dust of the city off my coat, I step out of the shower and dry myself of with the same towel I have been using for the past two weeks. I would have washed it sooner, but to no surprise, the washing machine on the lobby floor is also broken. After I am dry, I take my trench coat into the main area of my room.

It has the same bland green wallpaper as the rest of the apartment that is also beginning to peel. There is a lime green couch up against the right wall with a tall lamp to its left and a small coffee table in front of it. There is a sliding glass door at the end that leads off onto the balcony, just in case I feel like subject myself to the foul smells of the city. In the right corner, there is a very uncomfortable murphy bed that is responsible for multiple sleepless nights and mornings of back pain. Up against the left wall are a refrigerator and a miniature pantry pushed together.

I drop my trench coat onto the coffee table and open up the pantry. Inside are three shelves of standard kitchen supplies. On the bottom shelf are paper plates, paper bowls, and a small measuring cup. On the second shelf are plastic spoons, forks, knives, and a few napkins. On the top shelf are some sunflowers, daffodils, and some bread, all in separate plastic bags.

‘Well, I guess I’m having a sunflower and daffodil sandwich…again.’ Normally, I like having this kind of sandwich, but after eating one every night for dinner, it begins to lose its flavor. After I prepare my sandwich, I set it down on the coffee table and take the mail out of my trench coat. I toss the bills I have received in the mail as I know I will not be able to pay them. As if to add to my list of misfortunes, everyone in the restaurant where I worked was fired thanks to the Health Department.

Apparently, one of the customers found a bug in her soup and called the Health Department after giving the chef a piece of her mind. When the Health Department came over, they found lots of roaches in the walk-in pantry which no pony bothered to take care of. They shut us down and now, I am once again unemployed. I toss aside all the bills and junk mail when a special envelope catches my attention.

It is a white, square envelope sealed with a magenta sticker addressed to me. I toss the other envelopes on the coffee table and open the envelope. Inside is a letter; I begin to read it as I start eating my sandwich.

You’re invited!

What: The wedding of Glimmering Plate and Sure Shot
When: March 28, 1628
Where: Grand Green Park in Fillydelphia

Glimmering Plate and Sure Shot invite you to their upcoming wedding in Fillydelphia. Come celebrate as the lucky couple will be united by Princess Celestia herself. We hope you come to attend this happy day for the bride and the groom.

I nearly drop my sandwich as I finish reading. ‘My sister is getting married; but why now of all times?!’ I bury my face in my free hoof. “Of all the times those two had to plan a wedding, they had to pick the worst possible one. I don’t have enough money for a train ride and Filldelphia is a two day trip on foot!” I turn to my left and look up to see a calendar hanging on the wall. ‘March 28; that’s four days from now.’ I sit and ponder what to do.

“If I don’t go,” I think aloud to no pony, “I miss the wedding of my sister; not to mention I will never hear the end of that big mistake. If I go, I will have to sleep on the streets for at least two nights. If I can’t afford a train ride how will I be able to afford a room? Then again,” I ponder, “being as generous as she is, I could see if she has a place I could stay until I get back on my hooves.” I let out a deep sigh. “Ok Glimmering, you win; I’ll come to your wedding first thing tomorrow morning.”

I finish my sandwich and start to pack for the trip. I take my saddlebags sitting beside my murphy bed and put them near the coffee table. I prepare four sandwiches for the trip and place them in my saddlebag, each sealed in a different plastic bag. Inside, I already have a map, compass, and fog lamp. I reach under my pillow and pull out all the bits from underneath. Five bits, plus the fifteen I have in my coat…yeah, definitely not enough for a train.

I place the bits in the pocket of my trench coat and sit back on the couch. I see a brown book at my hooves. I pick it up and look at the front. “Creepy Legends and Haunted Locations”. I remember borrowing this book from the local library three days ago. It is the only place I can go for entertainment that does not cost money, as long as I have a library card and ensure the books are not damaged. 'I guess I should finish reading this to pass the time; I have nothing better to do anyways.' I open the book to a bookmarked location towards the back of the book and start reading.

---

The Village of the Damned

Somewhere along the eastern border of Equestria, there is an abandoned village that has seen its better days. In the days of Equestria’s youth, it was a lively town with various types of ponies. However, these ponies where not known to be very friendly to outsiders; one single unicorn found this out a thousand years ago.

One day a unicorn appeared in the town looking for a place to stay for the night. While he was in town, he received nasty looks from the locals who glared at him all throughout the town. Finally, he stopped at the local Inn and asked for a room. The innkeeper refused to give him a place to stay and told him to leave.

He asked once again willing to add a tip for a single night. The innkeeper once again turned him away and threatened him with violence. His words were translated to say: “You are not welcome here outsider; what will it take to get that through your thick skull?! Get out of our town before we force you out!”

Outraged by this show of hatred, the unicorn cursed the town and its citizens. The spell was said to turn all of the residents of this town into monsters to show off their hatred for visitors. This would serve as a warning to those who passed by that these creatures were dangerous and should be shunned by every pony.

Through the years, the village has been long since forgotten. Those who have set hoof into this village have never come out alive. The village was given the name…

---

I turn the page of the book only to find the final page has been torn out. All that is left is the card in the back of the book, indicating it is indeed a library book, and a few shards of paper marking where the page had been torn. By this time, it is now dark outside and I have been reading under the light of a candle. I place the book back on the table, lie down on my bed, and blow out the candle. I need to get some rest so I will have some strength for tomorrow’s journey.

o.O.o

It is now mid-afternoon and my legs are killing me. I snuck out of my apartment early to make sure Mr. Big Bucks does not mooch off any of the money I need for this trip. I have taken my trench coat with me to keep me warm against the wind chill. It may be the end of March, but there is still a bit of a chill left over from winter.

The weather today has been scheduled to be cloudy once again, but luckily, there is no rain. I have been hiking over plains and through small forests not bothering to stop and look at the scenery. I have only stopped in my hike to Fillydelphia to get a sip of water from a nearby stream, or to eat lunch.

As Celestia’s sun starts to set in the west, I come upon an old town that seems to be in the middle of nowhere. The town looks like a historical landmark as the buildings are made of colorless wood that has deteriorated from age. The sign in front reads: “Welcome to XXXXX Village”. The word before “Village” looks like it has hastily been marked out and “Uada” is written beside it.

“Uada Village,” I read aloud, “Looks like this is where I will be staying for the night.” As I walk into the town, I do not see any ponies walking around outside; I do not care as I would prefer to avoid conversation. I do, however, pick up a faint voice in the air that sounds like some pony is yelling in fear. “Go back! Go back! Go back!” I cannot trace the location of the voice and continue further into the town.

The road in town is only made of dirt and any form of vegetation seems to be decaying. On my left, I see a medium sized building with the word “Inn” worn on the sign above the door. I proceed to open the door and enter the…I quickly look to my left as something is caught out of the corner of my eye.

“Hello?” I call out, “Any pony there?”

No response.

I shake it off as a mind trick and enter through the door. Inside, I find the Inn covered in dust. There is a desk in front of me with a card and six keys on it. I walk over to the desk and begin to read the card.

Please leave two bits on the table and take a room key. Be back in a while.

I reach into my trench coat an pull out two bits to lay on the desk. I look to the right to see six keys hanging on the side of the desk labeled from “Room 1” to “Room 6”. I take the key labeled “Room 3” and proceed behind the desk. The floor creaks as I walk to the back to see a small hallway on the left.

The hall is also covered in dust from top to bottom and the only light is coming from the window at the end that is letting what is left of the sunshine into the hall. There are three doors on both sides of the hall and each one has a different number on it. I walk down the creaking hall until I see the door with the number “3” on it. I use the key on the door and the lock opens with a click.

I open the door to see a small, dust covered room with a bed in the top left corner, a closet in the right corner, and a window in the middle of the two. I walk in throwing off my saddlebags and coat next to the bed as I shake the dust off the sheets and pillow. I cough a few times as I accidently inhale the dust in the air. When the dust settles, I place the sheets and pillow back on the bed and proceed to get comfortable.

‘Wow, this feels softer than the mattress back at the apartment.’ I pull the covers over myself and close my eyes as I slowly start to drift off to sleep.

o.O.o

*BAM!*

My eyes shoot open as I am awoken by a strange bang. Getting out of the bed, I take my fog lamp out of my saddlebags, turn it on, and peek outside to investigate the source of the noise. I turn my fog lamp the direction of the entrances to see a growling black figure leaving the area. Its back side looked like it belonged to a pony and its back right leg was missing a chunk of flesh revealing a pitch black bone.

I turn off the fog lamp and close the door to hide myself. I perk up my ears to listen out for the intruder in the lobby. Whatever it was, it sounds like it is gone for now. Fearing for my safety, I decide that I should leave town and continue traveling. ‘If I leave now, maybe I can make it to Fillydelpia by sunrise.’ I throw on my trench coat and saddlebags and proceed to leave.

I peek around the corner to see if that make sure the black figure is gone. Sure enough, no pony is there. I exit the Inn and begin a quick trot in the direction of the town entrance. However, after trotting for minutes, I come upon what looks like the town square instead. ‘How did I wind up here?’ I think, ‘I could have sworn the exit was this way!’

The town square is a big circle of dirt with a statue of a pony in armor with a sword on top of a pedestal in the middle. I do not know why, but the statue seems to emit a creepy aura. The circle is formed by a few wooden houses with three new paths opening to the left, right, and straight ahead. I decide to take the right path and pray that it leads to the exit.

I immediately pick up the pace as I hear wood creaking behind me. I do not dare to turn and look at whatever is behind me and I turn to hide in the nearest building I can find, closing the door behind me. After catching my breath, I place my ear up against the door to listen out for the creature. Hearing nothing but silence, I back away from the door and turn around to see myself in a library.

There are multiple rows of bookshelves evenly spaced out with a giant circular desk in the middle of the library. Just like the Inn, the interior of the building is completely covered in dust and even some cobwebs. The books are in Old Equestrian making them impossible to read; not that I have time to read any of them.

I hear scratching on the window and jump around to find the source. I am relieved to find it is just a tree branch scratching on the window outside. As the breeze outside picks up a bit, the door blows open, causing the same creak I heard earlier.
‘Hmm, so THAT’S what made that creaking sound’ I think to myself, ‘Perhaps that figure I saw at the Inn was just a shadow. My mind must be playing tricks on me; I’m getting myself worked up for nothing!’ I exit the library and head back the way I came thinking of nothing except getting some more sleep.

As I walk back into the town square, I notice something is off from the last time I crossed through here. Turning my fog lamp on, I find out what is amiss in the square. The armored pony statue is gone! Once again, I hear the sound of a door creaking behind me. Walking back to the right of the base, I shake it off as another door blowing open in the wind; however the thought is quickly drowned out by a growling sound from the direction of the creaking wood.

“Who goes there?!”

I break into a sprint as I hear the beating of hooves against the dirt starting to gain distance on me. As I run, I look out for the exit or the Inn to try and escape whatever is behind me. Instead, I come upon an old school building on the right that is only a single story tall and takes up quite a bit of land. I make a sharp turn into the building and slam the door behind me.

I hold the door closed as the creature starts banging on the door to try and get inside. After five or six bangs on the door, there is complete silence. I place my ear up to the door to hear a set of hooves getting quieter until the sound is completely gone. ‘I guess that thing must have given up.’ I sigh in relief. My heart is pounding like a drum in my chest as I catch my breath.

I turn around to see a short, dust covered hallway with two doors evenly spaced on each side. I walk down the hallway and walk through the first door on my right. My fog lamp emits the room to show an old classroom. The desks consist of five rows of four and miraculously hold themselves together despite the wood’s rotten state and hundreds of holes caused by termites.

‘Hmm, perhaps one of these classrooms will conveniently have a map of this town so I can find my way out of here.’ I think to myself. Scanning the room, I see nothing that resembles a map and decide to move into the room adjacent to this one. This room is in the same state as the previous aside from a loaf of bread in front of the first row of desks. It is completely covered in mold and is emitting a horrid stench in the room.

I decide to leave this room immediately and try to search the two rooms in the back. I start with the back room on the right; once again, I find the classroom to be exactly the same as the previous two, but my search for a map proves to be in vain. However, I do manage to find a message written in blood on the wall in front of the class.

Outsiders are not welcome,

Outsiders are not like us,

Those who walk in are trapped forever,

We will make them one of us.

At this point, my fog lamp finally goes out. I sit myself down on the floor and open my saddlebags to take out the jar of oil hoping to get the message out of my head.

As I fill the fog lamp with the oil, I suddenly hear something heavy smash down the front door. In fright, I drop the oil jar on the ground spilling the remaining quarter of its contents. I grab the fog lamp with my teeth and put my ear to the wall. I hear the sound of stone moving across the wooden floor.

‘Oh Celestia, what is that?! I gotta get out of this place now!’

I continue to listen out for the stone creature, ignoring the pounding of my heart in my chest. I then hear it smash down one of the classroom doors in the front. I slowly open the door and peek out to try and see what the monster destroyed. With the help of my eyes adjusting to the darkness, I can barely see the front door and the door to the room with the moldy bread have both been smashed in.

‘I guess this is my chance!’

I immediately bolt out of the room and outside of the school. I make a sharp right and continue running as I hear the stone beast moving out of the room to investigate what has just run past it. I do not know if he managed to see me as I ignore my urge to look back and I keep on running. As I run, I take notice that I have arrived at the Inn once again.

‘What the hay is this place?!’ I scream in my head, ‘There’s no possible way I could’ve wound up back here! I should be out of the village by now!’ I continue to run past the Inn hoping that I can find a different path out of the village. Instead, I find myself at the school once again, only this time, the school is on my left and a massive figure is standing outside. I it takes notice of me as its deadly red eyes seem to stare into my soul.

Panicking, I come to an immediate stop, turn around, and dash away. I hear the stone giant give chase as its giant stone feet are audible behind me. As soon as the chase begins, however, it seems to end as I wind up back in the square with the empty pedestal still in the middle.

As I stop to try and catch my breath, I hear the sound of bells from a cathedral in the distance. At that moment, every door in the square immediately flies open. I jump into a row of barrels to my right and peek out to try and see what is going on. I can barely see anything, but it looks like a group of residents are gathering around the pedestal. There is a creature with glowing red eyes that is speaking to the crowd; however, he is speaking in a language I cannot understand.

“Merrievullens en ek sagtekalfies jy al hier vir 'n belangrike kennisgewing 'n buitestaander kloue in ons dorp! Ons moet hom dadelik vind en vernietig wat maak hom 'n buitestaander! Hy sal een van ons!"

“Een van ons! Een van ons!” the crowd chanted.

As the chanting continues, I suddenly hear the familiar sound of stone against the ground. I look up to see something big coming down on me. I jump out from my hiding place, barely dodging the weapon wielded by the stone beast. As I recover from the sudden shock, I realize I have jumped out from my hiding place and turn my head towards the center of the square.
The eyes! A sea of blood-red eyes, all staring at me!!

“Daar is die oortreder!Ontsondig hierdie roes van sy onheiligheid!” the creature in the middle screams as he stares at me.

Snapping back to reality, I quickly turn on my fog lamp and sprint past the stone giant with the crowd in pursuit. With the path now illuminated, I can see where I am going and hopefully find the exit to this Celestia-forsaken town. The crowd is not far behind me as I can hear the sound of their hooves behind me, like I am being chased by stampede of buffalo.

I begin to start passing many familiar landmarks during my chase such as the Library, and the Inn; but no matter where I go, I fail to find the exit. I start to feel my chest burning as the adrenaline enters my system, but I do not allow myself to slow down knowing if I do, I will fall victim to the fiends on my tail. The sound of multiple hooves against the ground starts to diminish until it is very faint.

Against my better judgment, I look behind me to see I am starting to lose the crowd. I turn my head back in front of me and immediately slide to a stop as I see a smaller group of black creatures waiting in front of me. The leader of the group, most likely the creature from the Inn, is six inches away from my face; his blood-red eyes boring into mine. Staring into his eyes, I find myself paralyzed in fear. The sound of the stampede behind me starts to get louder, but I find myself powerless to move. As the sounds begin to close in on me, the creature staring at me whispers four words translated into my language…

“Welcome to the herd.”

Comments

[Zelda Spectrum]

Soundtrack I used:
Bronze Plate Intro
The invitation
Village of the Damned
Uada Village (Day)
Uada Village (Night)
Black Creature
Schoolhouse
Stone Giant
Crowd
Crowd chase

Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of this music. Copyrights of Amnesia: The Dark Descent and Penumbra belong to Frictional Games. Copyrights of Cry of Fear belong to Team Psykskallar

[Sringer0]

Nice story, the music adds a nice touch but it's annoying to scroll down and then back up. Perhaps you could make a playlist? Of course everyone's reading speed differs, so it could be difficult.
I found some typos I would like to point out
"I work as a cook in a crummy three-star restaurant; pay is not that good, but it keeps bread on the table." You forgot the 'a'
“Ok Glimmering, you win; I’ll come for to your wedding first thing tomorrow morning.” At first I thought the character was speaking like this (with an odd choosing of for) but I figured it's a typo.
I wonder where this story is headed, from what I know of Amnesia, (and for some reason I infer Silent Hill in this too) (I don't know much about Amnesia, so feel free to correct me) I think this might be heading in a sort of lone adventure where the main character slowly uncover the secrets of the town.Or I could be completely wrong and he gets gobbled up by the 'stone' creatures.

[Zelda Spectrum]

1837598 Fixed. Thanks for pointing those out

[Sringer0]

1838047
No problem, I'm glad to help out.

[Black Wolf]

This story is pretty fun! I especially like the whole "welcome to the herd" and "een von ons" bits. If that language were real, I'd learn it!! good write, btw.

[FakeScienceMonthly]

I had trouble sympathizing with the protagonist. I don't know if you intended to do this, but by describing his life from the first person, you made it seem like he had a real defeatist mentality. I didn't really care what happened to him because he didn't seem to care. He just wanted to complain about things rather than fixing them. You can run a down on his luck character, but if they don't try improve their own situation the story gets boring.

It particularly struck me how apathetic he was to losing his own wife right when he was about to start a family. It seemed like he should have been more broken up about that, and less about his declined living conditions. I have trouble believing anyone who was thinking of starting a family with someone else would prioritise it so low.

The other significant problem the story has is that it breaks a major rule of plot coherence. The conclusion of the story should be the result of the premise. There is not enough logic connecting the ending to the rest of the story. You gave the reason that he was unlucky as the sole reason he ended up in the ghost town. You had him read a book describing the ghost town, which is a very unlikely coincidence, but not a cause for him actually finding the town. Unless the book is cursed, but that doesn't really make sense either.

You can get away with having coincidence be the reason for stepping into a ghost story, but not when 2/3 of the story before that happens is working on a different logical arc. You could have solved this with some explanation like 'the town looks for ponies who have lost everything to absorb them'

Also, here's some things you aren't expected to fix, but are illogical. Why would a town who hates outsiders need an inn? Why would the unicorn curse them to kill everyone who enters the town? If nopony ever leaves the town, who wrote the book?

If the book actually is magic, you should have explained it better.

[mr lovecolt]

The basic structure of the story is here, and I like it. But, if you ever want to do a rewrite of it, the best improvement that I would think would be to do more showing and less telling. That, and I would imagine writing a story such as this in the third person instead of first would be more appropriate. If the ending assumes that a main character dies or disappears, then the first person narrative contradicts that. The reader thinks, "Wait, if the storyteller died, then how is he telling me the story?"

[bluemoon1996]

Not bad.... Not bad at all. Have a like and a fave

[jmj]

I'm going to review this fairly and tell you what I think because, once again, I think you deserve it. It's not meant to offend or offer biased praise. So, my thoughts:

It's very Robert Bloch. There's a lot of build up before the pay off and that adds to the story.

No gore. Good work. Gore is very useful in many ways but is often turned into a self-destructive force. I like the complete lack of it and how you still put together a good fic. Your ability to weave something without shredded limbs and hacked meat is worthy of applause because most just couldn't have waited to misguidedly show abdomens torn apart or skin flayed.

The language is still very easy to comprehend and succinct. I do like this but I also think that an improved diction could help distinguish your fics. The grammar is still pretty good and I only noticed a few misspellings and a semicolon misuse. I take this to mean that you understand how to effectively write a sentence. (A skill many do not have. Many. Like, 9/10 fail to write clearly or accurately.)

I thought the book was a good way of foreshadowing what was going to happen. It was heavy handed and pretty much "HEY! LOOK! RIGHT HERE! YOU SEE ME? YEAH! REMEMBER ME!" but it served its purpose and brings up some questions that subtly hinting may not have brought out.

The ending is pretty good but kind of predictable. This doesn't make it bad, but we know the village is the same one from the book and setting up more questions about whether or not the village is the same one would enhance suspense. There's also very little of a twist because we knew what was going to happen.

All and all, I liked it. I liked the overly long beginning because it helps us see that this character isn't just a cutout of a person. It's a little tedious but it has some realism that adheres us to him, or at least makes us realize he's not just a nameless nobody.

I think you have a lot of good ideas but the executions are either spot-on or blurry. I enjoyed reading this story and I look forward to reading more of them and seeing what else you come out with.
6/10.

Keep in mind that I'm being honest with these opinions. I'm not saying "Greatest thing ever" when I don't mean it or offering hollow praise. Also keep in mind that most fics I read are 2/10 at best and I don't bother even commenting on the drivel. 6/10 may sound harsh because so many will skew the ratings to be 5 is absolute garbage and 10 the best thing ever and not remember that 1 is the rating for garbage. This story was written better than most and had thought put into it. It pulls itself off well in several instances but also becomes bleary now and again.

[David downpour]

I absolutely loved this and was sad when it ended.
amazing.