The Legend of the Wyvern Cult

Sixty years before Celestia and Luna became the joint rulers of Equestria, a tribe of creatures terrorized other creatures in the name of the Winged Terror, the Wyvern.

Fast-forward to the present day. An earth pony historian by the name of Golden Plate is visiting Fillydelphia for some information, when he is crashed into by Dream Chaser, a pegasus archaeologist. Dream Chaser invites him to her expedition for the Griffon Emperor. But what will Golden Plate and Dream Chaser find on this trip?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 2 )

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TwilightFox

TwilightFox #1 · Nov 12th, 2012 · · · Border Raid ·

It was a small village on the border of the Griffin Empire, of about ten families, with all three types of ponies represented.

-- Unneccesary commas; the phrase denotes *which* village you're talking about, so it is "essential." Thus, no commas are needed.

...repel the occasional dragon or minotaur or changeling...

--list; should use commas to separate, only one "or"

Other than that, this chapter looks pretty solid. I didn't find any glaring errors in grammar or punctuation. I'll admit though, hyphens are not my strong point, so the part early on where you used so many may or may not be proper. I'm not sure.

On to chapter 2!

TwilightFox

TwilightFox #2 · Nov 12th, 2012 · · · A Gap In The Story ·

Add to that the daily task of keeping the sun moving, keeping the administrative arm of Equestria from grinding to a halt from constant strife between nobles... he smiled when he realized that he did not envy Princess Celestia one whit.

-- The list started, but never finished. You might want to change it from a comma to the word "and." Not sure if it's wrong, but it seems like it would help the flow.
-- I'm not familiar with the word "whit." Did you mean "bit", or is this just a sign of my regional vocabulary coming into play?

He fished some more bits out of his purse, with the intention of ordering some water to offset the alcohol in his system.

-- Unnecessary comma.

...just trying to find that decrepit old fool, and he realized that he had spent...

--Might consider phrasing it "...and realized..." This would be proper, as it creates a compound sentence, but removes the comma and clears things up. Again, not sure if it's wrong. Just looks like an attractive alternative.

...and his mane brown mane...

--Repetition? Sounds like an extra word in there.

He sighed when he realized that he didn't look like himself, and took a slow drink from his cider.

--Unecessary comma. You only need a comma if the phrase after it includes a new subject. Good rule of thumb: If it could stand alone as its own sentence, add a comma. If not, then don't.

He wondered just how long he would be able to draw out this cider for.

-- Awkward wording. I recommend deleting the word "for."

It certainly couldn't last forever. At least he had some thinking room.

--Seems awkward. Might consider "...forever, but at least he had..."

It was about this time that the barkeeper shoved a bowl of water towards Golden, saying "Ya look like you could use it".

--Your comma is in the wrong place. Should be "... towards Golden saying, "Ya look like..."
--Your punctuation is in the wrong place. Should be "...you could use it." "
--Rule of thumb, Punctuation always comes next to the quotation marks: outside at the beginning, inside at the end.

At which point, he remembered that he was going to be very thirsty in the morning unless he started drinking water at this very moment.

--Unecessary comma.

As he drank, his mind cleared, and his situation began to really sink in.

--First comma is unecessary.

As he finished with his water, he realized that there were still three bits sitting on the counter, right where he had put them.

--First comma is uncessary.

The barkeeper shrugged and said "Water's on the house, pal. Stay safe."

--Needs a comma: "...said, "Water's..."

The empty cider bottles - two of them - were a testament to that.

--I know commas work, but I'm not sure about hyphens.

He paid for another night's stay, and set out for the address marked on the note.

--Unnecessary comma.

As Golden worked his way down the hall, he had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

--Unnecessary comma.

"Dream Chaser, but you can call me dream."

--"...call me Dream..." Proper noun.

Golden caught a glimpse of her cutie mark as she did so, it was of the kind of brush that you'd see at an archaeological dig.

--Comma splice. Needs either a semicolon, or a new sentence.

Golden nodded. "I do remember seeing you last night, thought not much beyond that."

--"...though..."

Last night, I was coming home from a party celebrating that we'd gotten approval from the Griffon Emperor to assist with a dig in his lands.

--Awkward wording. Specifically "Celebrating that..." Maybe "celebrating the Griffon Emperor's approval of our dig..." Could just be me though.

but if I can be of any assistance to you then I would be glad to help you." Golden said with a smile.

--When closing a quotation with a statement and following it with the speaker, you use a comma, not a period. Like this: "...I would be glad to help you," Golden said with a smile."

Again.. not bad overall. Looks like commas are your weak point. Don't worry, I know a lot of folks who hate commas too.