The Super Exciting, Chimichanga-filled Interdimensional Story of Epic Proportions, starring Deadpool and Pinkie Pie!
By Awesomedude17
(A/N I noticed that people had a hard time reading Deadpool's lines, so here a suggestion, change from light to dark. Enjoy!)
Dell Conagher, better known by his teammates as the RED engineer, was just sitting by his sentry nest. He was keeping a watchful eye on his Sentry gun and his Dispenser. They were built into the intelligence room in 2fort. One of the worst things to see was a spy come in and ruin one's work, so he brought a Frontier Justice, a Lugermorph, and a Jag to help with his buildings. A RED demoman, known as Tavish Degroot, already laid out a few traps with a Scottish Resistance, and was staying in the room with the Texan. The two began to speak.
"So Engie, ya think we have a chance to win 'ere?"
"I hope so, it's not like a new guy is gonna appear out of nowhere and help us, right?"
Speak of the devil, a man appeared out of nowhere riding a pink pygmy horse and was holding a half eaten pizza slice in his hand, which made the two mercenaries look in confusion, but they had seen weirder. The man began to talk.
"Alright, where my second chapter at?"
"I dunno!" Said the horse.
Tavish looked at his bottle, then at the duo that just appeared, then back at his bottle. He then said, "I've got to drink less."
Engineer also expressed confusion. "What the hell is going... did that horse just talk?"
"First off, she's not a horse, she a pony. Second, we're hopping from dimension to dimension, and this our first stop. Deadpool started off.
"Yeah, what he said!" Pinkie said.
The two killers looked at the two travelers, before a soldier, whom dubbed himself as Jane Doe, walked in.
"What are you..."
"HOLY CRAP!" Deadpool then shot the soldier in the head, revealing the man as a BLU spy. The two killers were shocked, as was Pinkie Pie.
"How the bloody hell did ya know he was a spy?" Demoman asked in a surprised tone.
"He was a spy?"
"Yeah. He was..." Tavish said, before downing his entire bottle of moonshine in one go. Engineer then got a thoughtful look.
"Hey buddy, we could use you. What's your name?"
"Deadpool, I also go by the merc with the mouth! The guy who won't die! The badass of the..."
"Alright, alright, I get it! Who's your steed?"
Pinkie shook herself out of the shock of Deadpool killing a man and began to talk in nervous tone. "I'm Pinkie Pie, and I love to party!" Pinkie finished the last of the sentence with no lack of enthusiasm.
Dell just stared, and then said, "You know what, ya'll just stay here, and I'll call mah boss. Kay?"
"Alrighty!"
"Sure, why not?" Deadpool asked.
"Good, we'll go in 'bout 15 minutes, alright."
"Ahh, what! That long?"
"That's boring."
"Well, we're working."
"This is work?" Asked Pinkie Pie.
"Yep, we got to..."
We have got the intelligence.
A few seconds later...
We have dropped the intelligence.
"Dammit, I would have celebrated just getting it halfway through." Engineer said.
"Aye, me too laddie!" Demoman said.
"Umm, why?"
"Because Deadpool, here in 2fort, nothing ever gets done but killing. We try so hard but we can't get the intelligence here or lose the intelligence over there." Engineer said in exasperation.
"Hmmm..."
Wade, you're not really thinking...
Oh, yes he is!
Oh God, why?
'Cause we're under a contractual story written by the author.
"Right Yellow Caption Box! We are!"
"Who are ye talking to?" Demoman asked.
"My peeps in the comics up 'dere!"
Demoman looked confused, but decided that he might be as insane as Pyro. God was that guy... girl... person insane.
"I am going to kick all the ass!"
No, you're not Deadpool. You're an unauthorised personnel, and you have to be terminated.
"Helen, wait." Engineer wanted to see what the two could do.
Why should I?
"Cause, they might be the only ones that might end up breaking the stalemate here."
Really? I'll have to see for myself. Very well, you two, go to the spawn room so you can have check-ups.
"Alrighty, how do I get there? And also, you got yogurt?"
We have no yogurt, but the spawn room is up the staircase and you should see it. Now get out my face so I can see these morons kill each other. 'Helen' began to laugh a bit.
"She seems to be a grade S bitch, ehh."
"Even S-rank's too low for her pardner. Head on out, and watch out for our medic."
"Why?"
"Yeah, why?" Pinkie asked.
"He can be... a little eccentric."
"So can I!"
"Ditto."
"Just go."
Deadpool fired his weapon again, killing a cloaked spy who was just at the intelligence.
"Nice shot."
"Thanks. To the Deadpool Cave!"
"Heck yes!" Pinkie said as the two rushed out the room. Tavish began to speak again.
"Why are we helping those two?"
"Because..." Dell started off, "they may help us win in 2fort for once."
Tavish got a skeptical look, but decided there was little point anyway for arguing.
-15 minutes later-
"I cannot believe it was another bloody tie!" Demoman groaned.
"I know Demo, the spies were a bit less predictable for once, so that's good." Engineer said.
The two packed their stuff and the two went over to the spawn. They saw the rest of the gang looking at both newcomers when then came in.
"Vhat is vith zat mask?" Medic inquired.
"Lemme show ya." Deadpool took off his mask, showing his hideously disfigured face. Most of the crew got a little sick, Pinkie got very sick, and medic...
"Oh wow! Zat is such beautiful scars."
"Yeah, it is cr... wait what?"
"Umm, Medic." Engie said.
"Vhat is it?"
"Let me introduce you to Deadpool..."
"Check me out."
"...and Pinkie Pie."
"Hello!"
"They are dimensional travelers."
"Really!" Medic started off. "Zat is very interesting! Tell me, how did you do it?"
"A guy named Tony Stark gave me the ability to travel between dimensions for a year, today."
"Tony Stark... I'd like to exchange notes from him one day. In the meantime, I'd like to know how Pinkie looks like... on ze inside. Mhh hh hh ha."
"Deadpool, he's kinda creeping me out."
Spy decided to speak up. "Well, he also has a head of an enemy spy in his refrigerator."
"Really?"
"Yes, and he is still alive."
"How?"
I wanna know! I wanna know!
Me too.
"He uses a contraption zat keeps it alive."
Deadpool deadpanned. "Seriously, boring!"
Spy got a amusing confused look. I thought zat would make him seem... "You done quite a lot, haven't you?"
"Yep, I traveled through space and killed a lot of assholes and pedophiles."
"Pedophiles?" Pinkie asked.
"Yeah, don't ask. I wonder if my game's out yet though."
"Whoa man..." Scout said, scooting closer to Deadpool to whisper in his ear. "don't be breaking the wall like that."
"Fuck you, I do what I want! And no, this is not a 60's Spiderman reference."
"Whatever, put your mask back on, you're creepin' me out, brotha."
"But I'm pretty."
"Just do it, moron!"
"Fine." Deadpool put his mask back on, Soldier had a thoughtful look.
"Maggot! Tell me how you got those scars."
"Cancer. It's been altered so it heals, rather than kills. Makes me butt ugly, but I can do crazy, shit-your-pants action more often as a result." Medic perked up at the fact that Deadpool's cancer was ironically keeping him alive, rather than killing him.
"Really, no 'loss at the hand of a really big asshat.' Soldier started off. "or 'lost a limb, sew it back on.'?"
"Both actually happened a lot of times actually."
Soldier just stood there. "Are you American?"
"Canadian."
-23 seconds later-
"Jesus, I say Canadian and he tries to strangle me." Deadpool just dislocated Soldier's shoulder, and was talking to Pinkie Pie.
"I know! He's a meany, mean, meany-pants!"
"Yeah! He is a..."
Attention! Deadpool, against my better judgement, you are hired on a half billion dollar a year salary. You're pink friend however is not. But I'll let her live if she keeps quiet.
"What year is this?" Deadpool asked the Heavy.
"It is 1969."
"I'M FUCKING RICH!"
Not yet, you must get a check up from the medic, and you'll only get paid if you work for a certain amount of time, 8 hours.
"Fine, check me up doc."
"Oh ja, ja. I vill. Oh I vill."
"How can you heal so quickly?" Medic said, confused about how Deadpool healed from the Medic's internal organ check almost instantly.
"Just help me doc. I don't mind you checking my prostate or anything though."
Medic just got a exasperated look. This man vill make me insane!
Poor guy.
Thinks he can help Deadpool.
He's more like checking his health.
Medic took out an uber-device. "Now then, I'll put zis device in your heart. Okay?"
"Sure, my chest is ready!"
"Lay down."
"Kay." Deadpool laid down on the table, while Medic prepared to bring out a tool.
"Hey doc, how are you gonna open my chest?"
Medic took out a chainsaw, and reved it up.
"Oh, that's how."
Heavy, Sniper and Pinkie Pie were outside when they heard a noise.
"What's that?" Pinkie asked.
"Bloody hell, if the doc's actually using the chainsaw, Deadpool wasn't lying about his healing factor then." Sniper said.
"I remember feeling of chainsaw, it was same day I first felt ubercharge."
"Ugg, you guys are crazy." Pinkie remarked.
"We've been told." Sniper then put on a hat, the Master's Yellow Belt.
"Hey, nice headband!"
"Thanks sheila. Hats are amazing, right Heavy?"
"Hats are credit to team!"
Pinkie Pie had no idea why they liked hats so much, but hey, they like it.
"I want hats!"
The two mercenaries looked at the pink pony and had shocked looks.
"You do not have hat?" Heavy said.
"But without hats, you're... you're..."
"Poor and Irish!" The two RED members unisoned. Pinkie assumed poor and Irish wasn't good, not good at all.
"Oh no. I need a hat!"
"Here, take shower hat as token of being comrades." Heavy put a 'Pink as Hell' Hard Counter hat on Pinkie's head.
Pinkie took one long look at a nearby mirror and said, "Awesome."
"Now, most hearts couldn't vithstand this much voltage, but I'm fairly certain..." Medic stopped when as he put the heart to the Medigun, it exploded. Deadpool gave an unimpressed look.
Seriously! Your heart blew up, again!
"Yeah, are you really a doctor?"
"I, at least, used to be."
Oh lord.
"Used to be, I am not really worried anyhow."
"Don't worry, I've got it." Medic walked over to the refrigerator and opened it. He looked through its contents and came across the Mega Baboon heart.
"Ah, perfect." Medic picked up the heart, revealing a BLU spy head.
"Kill me." He said.
"Later." Medic closed the fridge. He then put the uber device in the heart. "Now, come on. Come on!" Medic began to laugh maniacally, Deadpool joined in and somehow managed to outlaugh the doctor in evilness. Medic looked confused, but he nonetheless saw the heart was okay. "Oh, that looks good." Medic dropped the heart in Deadpool's chest.
"You want me to hold the ribcage open?"
"Well, um, yes. Do it!"
Deadpool did so and Medic pushed the heart in, and Deadpool...
"YEOUCH!"
Deadpool looked at the rib he pulled out.
"Oh don't be such a baby," Medic took the rib and tossed it aside. "ribs grow back."
"Not usually, but mine can."
Medic activated the Medigun, healing Deadpool in 3 seconds. Really, it was that fast. Deadpool took a deep breath and said, "This hurts a lot more than I expected."
"Don't worry, we can practice medicine now."
"Well that's over. Author, you can end this chapter now."
Bring some tacos for us.
Alright then Wade.
-What will happen next time in TF2? Hell, if I know! I hope ya enjoyed this.-
This was good, very very good. Also, deadpool with ubercharge ability's?
We are doomed
1438005 Oh shit, what was I thinking?
Y U DO DIS?
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Who r u? WUT DID U DO WITH AWESOMEDUDE17?
1438055
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next scene pinkie pie and medic making cupcakes
damn changelings
taking control of ma friends and loved ones
1438063
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DEADPOOL: OOOBACHAARGE ME MEDIC!!!!!!
i give you kisses!!!!
Hmmm... To read or not to read, 'tis a difficult decision indeed.
NO MORE YELLOW TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
never mind, i switched to dark and now it's fine.
1438112
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I wonder what would happen if all stories got featured with a 15:10 like to dislike ratio. (Like what happened last night)
Anyway, I see deadpool everywhere, but I never knew where he came from.
1438160
First Appearance
New Mutants #98 (1990)
1438128
Ooooh nooo! Please don't judge me sir, I'm just your friendly neighborhood reader!
1438188 Okay, just read, then comment. Then...
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Okay, as soon as I saw this title, I KNEW I had to read it. I'm gonna read it right now.
1438043
Are u doing a Borderlands 2 one
1438307 I don't have the game, so no.
This. Is. GLORIOUS. Please make more.
Ooh.
Second chapter.
*reads*
...
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This may be the most random story to ever be written.
I love it.
1438392 It's Deadpool, why not?
1438396
True enough.
He would be the sort of guy to play football with a detached head, so there's no telling what he could do!
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1438403 Especially with the ability to receive an ubercharge now.
1438408
ALL the murder.
ALL the funny lines.
NONE of the fourth wall.
ALL of the time.
1436175 You talk about this dark thing, but I have no idea how to switch to it. How do you do such a thing?
On topic of this fic, I haven't read it yet, but I will do so shortly. (Heh, yea right, just like I read all those other 100-something stories shortly after favouriting them.)
1438440 There is a bunch of settings in the upper right, lighting is one of 'em.
This story has all the wut and a ton of teh also some !@#!
IT'S TOO EPIC
*Brain Explodes*
1438298 I nailed you on Chimichanga, didn't I?
1437556 I know I can change the color of the background. But really, readers should not have to change color preferences just because one writer decided to use an unreadable color combination.
You had me at Deadpool.
1438530 What! It seems fine to me, it's not funnyjunk. What the hell is wrong with the internet?
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IT FEELS LIKE SATAN IS LICKING MY BRAIN!
Just looking at the title and the picture is enough. instant track and fav.
1438043
I know that feel bro. October 21st, 2011. The day I started watching MLP.
1435526 OH GOD YES!
1438448
A near word-for-word transcript of Meet the Medic? If that's what you came up with, perhaps the scene would be funnier if we heard muffled screaming while waiting outside the lab.
Helen would not want to break the stalemate she has been maintaining for a century. Watch out for Bluepool!
Also, Kablooie Pie.
were doing this man
where making this happen
1438005 oh no, (DeadpoolXMegababoonheart+Uberdevice)-ubercharge=we are fucked in the anushole.
1438308 i do, so if you want you can ask me for stoof on the story. i think it'd be the most stupidly funny thing in the history of tacoes
Sir? Will this be going through all of the Valve productions ( more specifically shenanigans involving the GLaDOS personality cores) or will it hop all around major and obscure modern culture idolatries?
1438043 I think I found your mind... It was in a garbage dispenser. You want it back?
Maybe Pinkie'll point out personalities in the TF2niverse similar to her friends.
Whats with the underline and bold stuff?
Aww man you would not BELIEVE, how much this hurts.
Wade Wilson is an American born mercenary, when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer in the mid eighties a high ranking American military contact of Wade's got him in touch with the Canadian weapon-X project which was trying to duplicate Wolverine's mutant healing factor in mutant and non-mutants alike as well as other super soldier experiments.
While the Weapon-X project scientists were able to give him somewhat of a regenerative ability all it did was create a stalemate between the healing factor and the Cancer which had been accelerated by the much higher rate of cell mitosis. This left Wade in a painful disfigured tumor ridden body. Which was dumped into a secret Canadian prison where all the failed weapon-X subjects were kept here various Scientists and guards created a 'Dead Pool' betting on how long Wade would live as they did for all the failed subjects. Wade eventually went nuts after several other prisoners who had befriended him were killed in cruel tests and or murdered, this kicked his healing factor into overdrive (DeadPool's healing factor is linked to his willpower and state of mind to a large extent.) He then fucked up a bunch of people and escaped and began using Deadpool as his new mercenary identity.
TLDR:
Deadpool is American, he got his powers from the Canadian military's weapon-X project.
Deadpool's Healing factor is only linked to his Cancer in that if he didn't have it his healing factor would kill him. (As it did to the Cancer free Skrulls which duplicated his powers)
Sources: Deadpool Vols 2: various issues,and 4: the issue where Deadpool retrieves the info on how to kill the Skrull Queen, which Norman Osbourne steals as Deadpool transmits it to Nick Fury.