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Purgatory

Rainbow Dash finds herself fighting to escape purgatory. Will she break free, or was she damned from the start, to wander its streets endlessly? Or will she be caught in a much worse fate?

Disclaimer: I'm not a religious person. If you take offense to my story and its themes, please don't flame me for it. Just click to another page.
Criticism is always welcome.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Lucien Chance

Lucien Chance #1 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

Hey, not bad. But, not that good either.

Your mechanics and spelling are both fine, except for one uncapitalized "i" near the beginning. As for the story, a good premise, and I like how it was modeled after a video game. Only problem was your pacing. It happened too fast, and there were some repetitive details. i.e. you said "black" as a descriptive word about 5 times in two sentences.

You just need to work on how you pace your stories, that's all. More deets! Good luck in future endeavors!

I Suplex Sharks

I Suplex Sharks #2 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

1404763
Did it to see how i'd fare, thanks for the criticism. You place my story exactly how i would have guessed. Average/ slightly above average, exactly how everything else I've done is. Probably not going to see any more stories for a while, as a mixture of my school work, mild ADHD, and boredom made this take 5 days to get done.

Lucien Chance